


To Pursuit a God

by seademons



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Drinking, Explicit Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Recreational Drug Use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-13
Updated: 2017-09-08
Packaged: 2018-11-13 18:14:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 95,717
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11190597
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seademons/pseuds/seademons
Summary: Ashes to ashes, funk to funkyWe know Major Tom's a junkieStrung out in heaven's highHitting an all-time lowAxel might just be the biggest mystery that Roxas has ever known, and in an attempt to reach his pedestal, Roxas finds himself engulfed in the unknown.





	1. Memories of a first encounter

**Author's Note:**

> This work runs over the course of eight years, depicting the casual interlacing of their lives, to the point where it becomes a running line. 
> 
> The song in the summary is Ashes to Ashes by David Bowie.
> 
> Edit: Now with playlists! Recommended for this chapter: [Him, him, him](https://open.spotify.com/user/oliviazanini/playlist/1YssFtLwTzx5rEGQfpC4rR).

R12.A20

Axel was someone that he wouldn’t understand for the longest time. At first glance, so long ago, Axel looked to be the biggest, and most interesting mystery that he ever had the fortune to come across, and would continue that way for many more years. It really didn’t help his case that he was twelve when they first met, and his exposure to the world was compromised of his everyday life in middle school, plus whatever dumb ideas he and his brother had at home afterwards, executed before Aurora arrived from work. His little brain wouldn’t understand the track marks and scars on the arms of the boy who was treasure in his eyes until much, much later, when Axel became less of a mystery, and more of a person.

It was a cold night in the dead of winter when Axel simply appeared on his doorstep, and had his undivided attention ever since.

Aurora was a chemist at a University laboratory that researched subjects far too intricate for a twelve year old to relate to, and on a whim of benevolence one day, she took on the opportunity of tutoring students who were majoring in Chemistry, and currently developing their undergraduate thesis. Axel turned out to be one of them, and an interesting one at that. He was intelligent, ridiculously so, to the point of catching Aurora’s attention upon first glance of his ongoing work. She had taken on five students to tutor at the time when she had first met him, and tried to be unbiased about them, but couldn’t help marveling at the sheer splendor that was his genius, and subconsciously favoring him over the others. 

Her tutoring was done past working hours, due to the nature of her job and the schedules of the students, and depending on their needs, she’d adapt their meetings at the campus accordingly. Some students would rather have tutoring encounters once a month, others proposed to her that it be once every other week, and Axel asked whether or not she could see him every single Thursday. She found that to be curious, but agreed to it anyway. 

She kept to her new schedule very consistently for two years until Sora caught something one day that slowly started to turn her life into a disastrous mess, even if a temporary one. At the age of twelve, the twins didn’t really need, or want, much babying from her part, claiming that they weren’t children anymore and could well take care of themselves, but what Sora caught had him bedridden for half a week, quarantined in his room like a prisoner. The time spent caring for him postponed all of the housework, and had her kitchen in a mess, the kids’ rooms in even bigger messes, and all of them dissatisfied. Sora didn’t like aching and being unable to see his brother, Roxas didn’t like spending his afternoons by himself, and Aurora was damn near having a stress-induced breakdown from all of it. 

To her luck, only Axel was scheduled to meet her that week, but when the day came, she realized that she wouldn’t be able to make it. Sora’s doctor didn’t recommend him going to school in fear of him infecting other children, and Aurora blamed herself for having to leave him alone at home in such high fever and aching throat all day, and above all that, forsaking him at night as well would just be too cruel. She called Axel’s number that evening, ready to apologize to him, when the idea of having him over instead of at the University catered much better to her, and pushed her to propose it. He found it to be agreeable as well, and brought his studies. 

Roxas was in the living room when the doorbell rang. Before straight up answering it, though, he peeked from behind the drapes like his mother had taught him to, and immediately met with a pair of green eyes, sharp enough to cut the glass panel between them. They stared each other down for a second, long enough for Roxas to contemplate this guy’s incredible height that put well over two feet between them, and his striking appearance, which was so fascinatingly different from everybody that he knew in school. He drew the drapes and opened the door, but instead of letting the boy in, he stepped outside himself, holding the knob just about closed behind him. 

“Who are you?” He sounded wary, and looked so, too, taking up the role of a club bouncer barring someone’s passage. Aurora shouted from inside to let their visitor in, so Roxas closed the last of the gap between the door and the frame. The redhead grinned at that, and it was the handsomest thing that he had ever seen. 

“Axel Aulicus, your mother’s tutee.” His voice was smooth and low and brought butterflies to Roxas’ stomach. This stranger had an impact on him so intense that it almost scared him, if it didn’t captivate him so much instead. He wondered why that was.

Roxas finally reopened the door and let his mother’s guest in, showing him to the drawing room, as Aurora had requested from upstairs. She shouted that she’d be down in a moment, and it was for Axel to make himself at home on the meanwhile. He glanced at Roxas before dropping his backpack on a chair, then sort of just wandered around for a while, contemplating his surroundings. 

Roxas watched their guest quietly, the way that he didn’t touch anything, or get too close to the paintings, or stepped on the rug. He looked pretty roughed up, too; his pants had tears in them, his boots were very worn and ruined, his jacket looked to have survived through a war, and even his backpack was kind of falling apart, with pieces sewn back together in a way highly reminiscent of Frankenstein’s monster. Roxas almost expected Axel’s face to be busted or his knuckles to be split open, but no. It was rather the contrary; how clean his skin was felt out of place, even if the under eye tattoos and the vertical barbell broke that a little bit. He briefly wondered if Axel had more of the same on the rest of his body. 

“How old are you?” 

The redhead glanced over to him with the pierced brow slightly raised, which brought him to start liking it somehow. “Twenty.” Back then, this answer had been outrageous. He had thought that Axel was such an  _ adult _ . He was so old and looked so wise, street smart, someone who had seen so much and had been through Hell in that jacket and had walked the Earth in those boots and made piercings look good. Axel wasn’t a kid like him and his friends from school; Axel was a man that could drive and (almost) buy beer and go out without curfew. He could pay for tattoos and party at clubs. He lived in an entirely different world from Roxas’ and that  _ fascinated _ him. His eyes shone at the prospects of Axel’s cool adult life.

Eight years in the future he’d still think the same. 

\--

Axel wasn’t at his place very much, because he wasn’t supposed to be, and Roxas resented that, even if he couldn’t personally change it. He thought about him a lot, and told Sora of him once he was well enough to leave quarantine. The amazement in his brother’s face and how enthralled he was at the guy resonated with Roxas’ own sentiment, and they often spoke of him between themselves, extensively speculating about his life and what he had been up to. 

The only person who saw him regularly and could confirm or deny their theories was Aurora, but her approach to him was far too professional to humor them. A week after Axel’s appearance at home, they asked her of him, and when he’d come over again, because Sora wanted to meet him, but Aurora cut their enthusiasm right away, telling them that Axel was her student, and an integral part of her job that wasn’t to be confused with her personal life. He wouldn’t come over again for that reason, which quite broke their hearts, so they kept the subject mostly to themselves, in hopes that she wasn’t being serious. 

To get her to speak of him every once in a while, though, and satiate their curiosity about him, they would ask her about his thesis, and whether or not he was improving, trying to keep it as professional as possible, for her sake. The plan worked every time, and got her talking of his genius, even if she couldn’t well tell the details of his research, being it private information between tutor and tutee, which was a plus on the twins’ side, because neither of them had any interest in Chemistry to begin with. They listened to how incredibly intelligent Axel was, and the discoveries that he had been making, which weren’t a surprise to their mother, a successful chemist with a PhD and all, but to an undergraduate such as him, it was next level knowledge learnt at the laboratory after months of experimentation and observation. His genius was mind-boggling to her, and kept her fresh with new content to tell them every other week, until her tone about Axel started to change. As months passed, his graduation date got closer, and about a semester before the deadline, she stopped speaking of him. The twins would ask after him, but she’d only say that progress in his thesis was being made, and that was all to it. It was as if something else, something  _ bad _ , was obscuring his brilliance. 

Then, one day out of the blue, she brought him home from the University, with no explanation other than hey, kids, he’s sleeping over on the couch tonight. The twins were shocked. Aurora simply introduced him to the living room, asked if he’d have pot pie for dinner, and went upstairs, leaving him with two stunned, wide-eyed boys staring at him. 

Sora had never seen this infamous man, and was the first to break the silence. “ _ You’re _ Axel Aulicus?” He sounded incredulous, which didn’t help their guest feel very welcome, but not that anyone could blame him. He had heard so much about this guy, and for so long, too. It must’ve been relieving to see that he wasn’t made up. 

Axel just nodded in reply, standing awkwardly by the living room door frame, with a hand on the strap of his backpack and the other stuffed in a pocket. His clothes looked to be the literal same ones that he wore six months ago, and Roxas started to doubt whether or not he was homeless. He looked too clean for that, though, so it didn’t really add up. 

“Yeah, but whatever you heard about me is probably not true.”

“How can you know?” 

Axel shrugged. “I don’t, I’m just judging by your tone.” 

Sora looked a bit thrown off by that answer, so Roxas decided to take the attention off of his brother, and onto himself instead. He moved to the other end of the couch, making some space in between them for Axel to have a seat. “C’mere, we’re watching Cutthroat Kitchen.” He tried to coax Axel over with a tilt of the head and a pointed look, which apparently worked, because the redhead placed his backpack on the ground by the door frame and joined them right after. Incidentally, he smelled really good. It was yet another proof that he, most likely, wasn’t homeless, so why was he sleeping over? Also, was he wearing Tom Ford? Maybe dressing punk was cool, or whatever. Trendy, and not a sign of homelessness. He looked good, admittedly, but Roxas believed that he’d also look good wearing something with far less holes in it, as well. 

“Why are you here? I mean, I’m sorry if it’s rude to ask, and I’m glad that I can finally put a face to the name, but, you know?” 

“Yeah, it’s cool. I just didn’t feel like sleeping at my place, so Aurora let me stay here for the night. Slumber party, anyone?” Axel glanced from one twin to the other mock expectantly, wearing a dumb smile that got the two of them grinning in response. 

“ _ Yes! _ ” Sora interjected loudly, and hopped off of the couch in a sudden ball of energy. He was always the more upbeat of the three, and this kind of behavior didn’t strike Roxas as odd anymore, not at this point in life, but it got a pleasant surprise out of Axel. 

“I’ll hang your jacket and get a mattress. Roxas, bring the covers.” Sora stuck a hand in the redhead’s direction while pointing at the stairway out in the next room; his eyes moving from one target to the other as they were addressed. Axel handed him the jacket, and Roxas followed him upstairs, but not before noticing the plentiful artwork decorating both of the guy’s arms. 

With a single mattress on the floor beside the couch, and covers for all of them, the three boys got comfortable. The twins shared the mattress while Axel got the couch, since he was to sleep there anyway. It was very clear to them that this was the golden opportunity to get to know him better, or at all, honestly, and neither of them would pass it up. Roxas was the first to get some of his curiosity satisfied, pointing at Axel’s arms, which were tucked under the covers draped across his shoulders, falling around him like a little tent. “Can I see your tattoos?” He glanced up at the redhead, and watched him nod before reaching the closest arm to him. Sora joined in on the request and demanded for an arm himself, which granted him Axel’s right one. 

The left wasn’t quite a sleeve yet, because the designs were pretty far away from one another, and didn’t cover every inch of his skin, or really connect in anyway, but they were aplenty, and very interesting, too. Half of his upper arm was covered under the short sleeve of a black t-shirt, but Roxas didn’t need to peek under it to know that there were more tattoos on the rest of Axel’s body where he couldn’t see, so he simply kept to the forearm offered to him. It had very intricate designs on the outside, and some on the inside, as well as a few scars and some strange markings on his skin; a few dark dots littering his inner elbow, that Roxas wasn’t sure what they were. He rotated Axel’s arm with his hands, and tentatively touched the curious dots. They piqued his interest more than the collection of new and old, fresh and healed cuts from the wrists up. No tattoos there, and he’d rather not ask what happened. It looked tragic enough.

Instead, he asked something else. “What are these?” Pointing to the dark dots, he looked up at the redhead, and his response was the end of design appreciation time. Axel pulled his arms back under the covers and closed it around himself like a theater curtain. 

“Tattoos.” His answer felt like a lie, because the dots looked more like needle pokings than a whimsical tattoo design, but Roxas wouldn’t question it. He kept silent, so Sora decided to redirect the attention over to himself. 

“I like the angry dog one, that’s pretty cool.” 

“It’s a wolf.”

“Wolves are dogs.”

Axel grinned wide, the kind that made an extremely handsome man look even more ridiculously handsome, just on the brink of outright laughing. “Shit, I guess they are.” 

The night was spent more like a long interrogation than a slumber party. The twins bombarded their guest with questions, and follow up questions, with more follow up questions after them, never ending, to quench their infinite curiosity about this man. It wasn’t their fault that Axel was singlehandedly the most interesting person that they knew, and didn’t mind answering the longest questionnaire of his life. He seemed to be having fun, even, which was the sole reason that the two didn’t take it easy on him, and kept asking him very random things to get to know him better, up until Aurora called them all for supper. On the meanwhile, they learned that:

Axel did have a family. Two parents, who were still alive and well, and one older brother, who had passed away a long time ago. So long, in fact, that Axel barely remembered him at all. He didn’t miss him. 

Axel was majoring in Chemistry because he liked it. It was simple as that. He even had a tattoo of a few chemicals somewhere on his back; his word, but no proof. 

He had a grand total of twenty-five designs, and the first one was a quote in Latin that Roxas had previously seen on his left arm. He didn’t say what it meant. 

The number eight was his lucky one, because it was his birthday, and his favorite color was red. He was a Leo, but that didn’t surprise either of them. 

His best friend was Demyx Fidelis, who he had met in elementary school, and had been living in his house without his parents’ knowledge ever since the orphanage couldn’t legally house him anymore. He climbed in through Axel’s window at night and slept on the mattress by his bed. 

Aurora took Axel away with her back to the University in the next morning, and the twins didn’t see him again for the next eight months. 


	2. Axel visits the hospital

R13.A21

By pure chance, they happened to be awake when Aurora got the call. It was the middle of the night, or more accurately, far too early in the morning, not long before sunrise, when it happened. 

Aurora jolted awake from the ringtone, which cut through the silence of the house far too loudly for secrecy, and answered it, still caught in the haze of sleep. The boys were in Roxas’ room with the door open, and wondered who she could possibly know that would call her at such an odd hour, and what the Hell for. They pricked their ears to listen in, but didn’t have to try very hard to notice how quickly her sleepy voice became dead serious and alert, as if something worrying had happened.  _ Very _ worrying. They heard the fast shuffle of feet on carpet and the words, firm and distinct,  _ Stay put, I’m coming _ , before the call ended. The two left Roxas’ room at once, and met with their mother rushing out of hers, wearing a robe over her pajamas and a pair of sneakers to drive with. Her mind was too busy filled with more pressing matters for her to argue whether or not they should be in bed instead, so she didn’t complain when they put a jacket on and followed her out to the car. 

“What’s happening?” Sora asked her as she backed out onto the street, and promptly drove off toward downtown. It was obvious that she was distressed, on the brink of breaking down, from the way that her knuckles were white gripping the wheel and her arms were stiff as a mannequin’s, but still she tried to show some composure, maybe as not to worry her children too much. It ended up having the opposite effect. 

“Your friend Axel, he’s going to be okay, but right now he needs us to pick him up from a party.” Her voice was just about shaking, and the twins were mortified. 

“What happened to him?” Roxas was on the edge of his seat, literally, holding onto the stuffing of Sora’s backrest to keep himself steady. He felt fear cool the blood that pumped in his veins and sink his heart to the bottom of his rib cage. 

“I’m not sure, but he’ll be alright. We’ll get him and, and, it’ll be fine. Just don’t worry, boys.” 

The car ride to the club was short, especially from how fast Aurora was driving, but it still felt like an eternity, like these few minutes counted the difference between finding Axel dead rather than otherwise, so when they saw him meandering down the sidewalk alive, a collective, and very audible sigh of relief instantly left the three of them. Aurora pulled up to the curb, and Roxas pushed the back door open for him. 

It was almost funny, the confused look on Axel’s face when he saw some random car pull over like this. He seemed to be very out of it, too, tripping over himself and unsure of what to do next, but when Roxas stuck his face out into the streetlight, it all made sense to him, and he got in the car. When he pulled the door shut, Aurora damn near shouted at him, in the voice that she used with the kids when grounding them. She might not have been able to ground him, but it didn’t mean that she wouldn’t express her anger about it. 

“Oh my God, Axel, you almost gave me a heartattack. What did you  _ take _ ?” 

“I don’t know. A lot.” He sounded far off, as if his mind wasn’t inside of his body, and instead floating somewhere high up in space. His eyes threatened to close, and if it wasn’t for the head rest, Roxas was sure that his head would be lolling left and right on his shoulders. 

“A  _ lot _ ?” Aurora had started to drive away, but not back home. Somewhere else, deeper into the heart of town. “A lot like  _ what _ ?” 

“Like X… Blow… But that wasn’t it. It was something else, man. There was something else in the coke. It wasn’t normal. It didn’t… Feel… Normal… Maybe it was the absinthe? The fire. Might’ve been the fire.” He slurred bad, and kept furrowing his brows, looking to be having trouble concentrating on his speech. The worry from before slowly came back to Roxas the longer they spent in the car, with Axel just about dissociating right beside him. He sincerely wondered if, should Axel close his eyes for good, would he ever open them again? He reached over and grabbed Axel’s hand, more as something for himself to hold onto than to keep Axel up and alert. His fingers were cold, so Roxas held them tightly, occasionally squeezing. Axel glanced at him once, in passing, but didn’t seem to mind, or barely even take notice of it. He wasn’t in good shape at all. 

Aurora angrily lectured him all the way over to the hospital, but he didn’t look to have registered any of it. His blinks began to last longer and his eyes stayed open less and Roxas was so anxious that he could’ve thrown up all over the leather upholstery. 

Axel was admitted at the hospital at a quarter to six. The nurses spoke with Aurora alone, while the boys sat in the waiting room, anything but patiently. The whole process took about an hour overall, and when Aurora finally came back, she said that they were going home, and Axel would be alright. She never told them what had actually happened to him, what his state was or the real reason of his admission, if it was truly the drugs or something else, despite how much they had asked and implored. The only thing that she did say, back inside the car, was for them to promise her never to be like him. Promise her to take care of themselves, so that she would never have to see them admitted for poor impulse control. 

The boys were dead silent the whole drive back. 


	3. Namine is lovely and Axel isn't straight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Mentions of homophobic slurs.

R15.A23

High school provided Roxas with a group of fresh, new and interesting friends who soon grew very close to him, but not as close as four people in particular, who shared classes with him pretty much every day of the week: two boys named Hayner and Pence and two girls named Olette and Namine. It was true that he still hung out with Sora, and had lunch with him every once in a while, but Sora had also made friends of his own, with nothing less than the entire school year, and ended up being the one who deviated from his twin a little bit. It wasn’t really a bad thing, because they were still fatefully bonded to each other, and spent time together at home, and in the bus, and in a few classes, so Roxas wasn’t bothered by it. Sora had lunch with him and his little group sometimes, and sometimes he didn’t, and that was fine. 

His friends hung out in Hayner’s backyard a whole lot, almost everyday after class, to either do homework together or just sit around and chat, climb up the treehouse, swing on the tire swings, waste time getting to know each other, the whole package. Both of Hayner’s parents worked day shifts, and he didn’t have any siblings, which was why they could be in his backyard all the time. He was always making up something different to challenge everyone with; whether it was playing truth or dare in the treehouse or sneaking alcohol from his parents’ cabinet, he was the one pushing the rest of them into unknown territory for comedic effect, and they could tell that he loved it. Olette liked most of his ideas, except the ones that were too dumb or just not funny, but she usually sided by him, and didn’t make for a good judicator at all. Pence and Namine, on the other hand, were strongly wary of everything that came from Hayner’s mind, but with a little coaxing and some incentive, they ended up going along with it, and played their part, as well.

Roxas would’ve loved to say that he stood his ground and didn’t let his friends push him into doing things that he didn’t want to do, but he was a softie who didn’t know how deal with confrontation, and ended up doing most of what they told him to, anyway. Nothing was too terribly embarrassing or bad, so he wasn’t very worried about it. Those guys had  _ some _ limit, at least. Lines that shouldn’t be crossed.

New friends didn’t mean that Roxas had forgotten all about Axel, though. It was true that they had spent a good long while without seeing each other, and Roxas had grown to think of him less frequently, but not enough to forget him entirely. He still caught himself occasionally wondering whether or not Axel still walked this Earth, but thoughts like those became overshadowed by some others. Quite different ones. After nearly two years, someone else finally started to populate Roxas’ thoughts, in almost the same curious way as Axel did, but with a slight nuance. 

Axel seemed like an entity far beyond him, who had taken the dark and mysterious path of life, the one that adults didn’t dare speak of, but incessantly warned their children to stay away from. He continued to fascinate Roxas, however long they’d ever spend apart, and if it wasn’t for Aurora, Roxas was sure that he’d never hear of Axel again. The last time that she spoke of him was to answer Roxas’ question, wondering if he had graduated at all. Apparently, he had, and was currently engrossed in acquiring a Master’s, which Aurora was tutoring, too. Roxas found that to be crazy. How could someone so intelligent and academically successful still be such a disappointment in his mother’s eyes? 

For as much as Axel would be eternally interesting, his lack of physical presence allowed room for Roxas to focus on other people instead. Maybe less impactful people, but ones who he saw everyday, that sat in front of him in Maths, and whose locker was just across the hall from his. 

When he first met her alongside Hayner, she had barely said a word. Namine was extensively shy, and kept to herself more often than not. At least, she used to, but the more they hung out, and the crazier Hayner’s ideas started to become, the more she began to come out of her shell, little by little, until she felt safe enough to be herself around all of her new friends. Her sweet, and adorable, giggly self, who loved to draw and make dirty jokes when not many people were around to listen. Roxas grew very attached to her as the year passed, and the closer they became, the more nervous he started to feel around her. She was so beautiful, and so smart, that he felt like a giant dork in her presence, but that didn’t stop him from seeking her company and being her close friend anyway. They usually walked each other to class in between periods, and were very often seen together, which made people start to notice, and talk, and speculate. One of them being Hayner himself. 

“You like her, don’t you?” Hayner whispered to him one day, when everybody had gone home, but Roxas didn’t feel like leaving yet. Hayner’s parents wouldn’t show for another hour, so he thought about making his friend some company on the meanwhile. That soon showed itself to be a mistake. 

He blushed right on the spot, whipping around to look at Hayner with wide eyes. “What?” His shock stopped him from outright denying the accusation, which was an accidental confirmation in itself. 

Hayner grinned brilliantly. “You kissed her yet?” 

“No, I don’t even know who you’re talking about.” 

“Namine. You two kissed yet?”

“I don’t like her that way.”

“Sure you do. Look at you, all red in the face. You’re in love with her, and I’ll help you kiss her.”

“No, Hayner, just…” Roxas sighed, running a hand through his hair. There was no amount of denial in the world that would make Hayner believe him at this point. He had already blown it by the first question, so further denial would be fruitless. He’d save himself the time. “... Well, do you think she likes me, too?”

“Yeah, I think so. She’s always laughing at your dumb jokes, and I don’t think it’s for charity.”

“Shut up, they’re funny.”

“Sure, buddy. Can you come over tomorrow?”

“Yes.”

He knew that Hayner was up to bad ideas, and poor planning, to get the two blondes together, but he didn’t try to stop the inevitable. When the time came, he just braced himself for a lifetime worth of embarrassment in front of the girl that he liked. 

Everybody climbed up to Hayner’s treehouse the next day and sat around in a circle with a bottle of tequila in the center, unaware of how terribly wrong everything would go once the game began. The “Kissing Game.” What was this, fifth grade? Roxas was mortified. He had never kissed anyone before, much less his crush, so this felt like the gates of Hell presenting themselves to him. He’d much rather lay dead than play the game, but he couldn’t leave now. Everyone had already agreed to it, and both Hayner and Olette looked very excited about it, so he stayed, and waited for the unavoidable. 

In the end, though, it wasn’t so bad. His first kiss ended up not being with Namine, but with Olette, as luck would have it. He also had the misfortune of kissing Hayner, as  _ bad _ luck would have it, but when it was finally turn to kiss Namine, it hit him just how genius this game was. He absolutely loved it, it was such a great idea. The  _ best _ idea. He leaned over to meet with Namine’s lips halfway and, honestly, it was the highlight of his entire life so far. The kiss was sweet and chaste and her chapstick tasted of cherry and he realized that cherry was his favorite fruit or berry or whatever, obviously. He was way into it, and into the way that she smiled and giggled afterwards, and for once, this treehouse resembled a piece of Heaven. For some reason, though, the game continued after that? And he got to kiss Olette again, which he didn’t mind, but it didn’t have nearly as big an impact on his soul as Namine’s lips had. 

When he got home that night, all wide grins and light steps, very excited to tell Sora about it, his cheerful mood promptly died the moment that he opened the door, as his eyes fell on Axel, right there in the drawing room. The sight of him, alive and well, after over a year of not seeing his face, and never getting a satisfactory conclusion to his hospital admission, got Roxas’ heart pumping ice. Axel’s sharp greens glanced up to his face as he closed the front door, venturing shyly into his own home, as if in the presence of a ghost. The ghost of someone who might as well have died in a hospital bed at twenty-one. 

When their eyes met, Axel grinned in that way that got Roxas’ stomach swarming with butterflies. “Hey, Roxas. Long time no see.” He sounded just as nonchalant as Roxas remembered him being, cool and detached with the low voice of a growling God, and did he get even more good-looking since the last time they talked? It seemed preposterous for a man already so handsome to grow even more so in such a small amount of time, and it left Roxas quite in a dizzy. Axel always had a strange effect on him, one that he wasn’t sure where it came from. He approached the table to put his school bag down. 

“Yeah, I’m surprised to see you around. What gives?” 

“I’m just taking some notes.” Axel motioned to the paperwork strewn about the table, covering a good portion of it, beside a thick hardcover book. Roxas leaned closer to look at the sheets, but for as much as he feigned interest in his guest’s research, he couldn’t help how his eyes kept glancing up at the man instead, to study his face and the color of his eye and the ink on his skin. Over a whole year later, and Axel was still just as fascinating now as he was in the first day that they met. Astonishing. 

“Look at you, though. All grown up. You almost sound like a man, too.” Axel grinned through the mockery, clearly teasing him, and getting an eyeroll in reply. Roxas just hoped that the blush coloring his cheeks wasn’t all that visible from under the excruciating overhead light. 

“Fuck off.” It wasn’t creative, but it was all that he had at the moment, given the circumstances, and how jittery Axel’s bare presence made him feel. He knew that this wasn’t right, that there was something about this guy that just got to him easier than a knife cutting through butter, but he couldn’t put his finger on it. It was frustrating, but also part of the reason that made Axel so mysteriously interesting. He listened to Axel’s curt laugh as the front door opened a few feet from them. 

“Oh, Axel.” Sora spoke from the doorway, shutting it closed behind himself. He sounded genuinely surprised to see the guy, so the tears in his eyes seemed a little out of place in this scenario. From the looks of it, though, he had been crying for a good while, probably during the whole walk home. Roxas frowned in concern, and didn’t miss worry creasing Axel’s brow as well. 

“How are you? I haven’t seen you in so long that I thought you were dead.” Sora wiped his face with a clumsy hand, as if to hide the evidence, and went over to the redhead for a greeting. Axel got up from his seat, reaching for a handshake, but finding himself in a hug instead. He deftly avoided the awkwardness by hugging Sora right back, his body language smooth enough to make it seem like a hug was his intention from the start. 

“I’m good, but what about you? What happened?” Axel asked the brunette as they parted, clearly concerned over him, although Sora just brushed it off as nothing. He waved noncommittally, shaking his head. 

“It’s dumb, don’t worry about it.” 

“Are you sure?” Roxas asked from across the table.

“You don’t have to tell us, but if you do, I might just be able to help you, somehow.” Axel shrugged through the offer, playing it simple, as it was. 

Sora shook his head at the words, dismissing them at first, but then seemed to change his mind right after, slowly turning to look at the tall, and broad, muscular redhead. He very pointedly glanced Axel down before a mischievous smirk curled his lips. “You know what, maybe you can... Yeah. Come on, follow me. I’ll explain on the way.”

The three of them grabbed their jackets and quickly left the house, striding down the street toward the more upscale portion of the neighborhood, behind Sora’s lead. He was the one in a hurry for whatever reason, which put the other two in step. 

“Look, I hope you’re not like him, not one of them, or I  _ will _ turn right around and never speak to you again. I mean, I don’t think you are, and it’d be a shame to lose you, but I wouldn’t be very brokenhearted about it. Just…” Sora glanced Axel down again, briefer this time. “Scared.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I picked a fight with Seifer because he called me a faggot, and wouldn’t stop, even after I repeatedly told him to. So, if you have a problem with that, I guess you better leave. Now.” Sora’s eyes pierced through Axel’s greens with the kind of coldness that Roxas had never seen projected from his sweet brother before. He was shocked at this hostility, but it wasn’t just that. His heart beat much faster at the implications of Sora’s words. 

Axel shook his head. Roxas didn’t have a very good view of his face from this angle, being so much shorter than him and all, plus the lack of quality lighting provided by the lampposts that they were passing under didn’t really help him figure out in which side Axel stood. But the guy was still in step with Sora, which probably meant that he wasn’t going to back out now, not this far in. 

“Are you kidding me? Do I really look straight to you?” Axel’s rhetorical questions sent both twins reeling. He shook his head again, snorting this time. “I’m gonna fucking kill this Seifer kid.”

“No!” Sora reached for Axel’s arm and took it, holding onto it firmly to get the redhead’s attention. “Don’t hurt him. Promise me that you won’t hurt him. Just scare him, alright? Just give him a good scare so he won’t say this kind of shit to me again, but  _ don’t _ hurt him. Please.” He slowed down their rapid walking for emphasis, making Axel come to a complete halt as they shared a very pointed look. Sora was being serious, and Axel understood him perfectly. 

“Alright, I won’t. I’ll just shake him a bit.”

“Okay, but nothing that’d bruise or break, you know.”

“Yeah, I got you.”

\--

Seifer and his friends were hanging out on the sidewalk, in front of his beautifully large house, in the most expensive block of the neighborhood. He was the one who saw the three intruders first, right when they rounded the corner, and his snarky smirk was visible from miles away. Roxas could feel the tension growing already, from the intense look in Sora’s face to the predatory way that Axel was approaching the rich kids. 

Seifer seemed amused at this, as his tone clearly showed. “So you went get your boyfriend?”

Axel was fast to grab the blonde by the lapels of his jacket and yank him up to meet with his face, nearly ripping the dude off the ground entirely. It alarmed everyone, blowing their eyes wide with surprise and something that flashed close to fear. Seifer interjected with something small, from being the victim of the startle, but nothing that made a big impact on anyone. It was more involuntary than anything, and passed by mostly unnoticed. 

Axel brought their faces up close. “Never fuck with Sora again, do you understand?”

There was a second of utter stillness, heavy and hanging low in the air, right before all Hell broke loose. Seifer tried to shove Axel right off, getting increasingly louder and more violent, but Axel’s grip on his jacket only became firmer as he pulled Seifer back close each time, pretty much shaking him to death. Seifer’s friends approached them to break it off and team up against Axel, so the twins went over as well to even out the score, and keep the other two from attempting a first punch. They knew that, if anyone threw it, Axel would be far too willing to retaliate right back. 

Raijin was the one who managed to break the two boys apart, and place himself in between them as buffer. He was relatively tall and bore broad shoulders, and out of anyone here, was the best bet at taking Axel on, should it be necessary. Which it wasn’t, because once Axel’s hands were forcefully ripped away from Seifer’s hundred-dollar jacket, he moved on to verbal confrontation instead of physical. He shouted some threatening things at the bully, watching the guy try to lounge for him, but being held back by three people. Seifer’s mouth was dirty, and by all means it angried Axel, but he was mature enough to not break his promise with Sora over something so petty. 

What truly put a stop to all of it was a sort of recognition that flashed through Raijin’s eyes as he looked at Axel, pushing him to voice it. “Hey, I know you, man. Wonderland?”

Axel looked down at him as if he had just been shot. His green eyes were wide and he looked absolutely mortified. Pale, even. He was too shocked to say a single thing, so Raijin continued. “Last Saturday night, at Wonderland. You sold me a reefer.” 

“Oh, fuck.” Axel exhaled, visibly relieved from the shock, then grinned a bit. “Yeah, I remember you. Shit, man, I didn’t know you were underage. Don’t tell anyone I dealt you, yeah? God, you scared me.” 

“Of course, man. I’m not dumb.” Raijin turned to face Seifer, still being held back by the others, even though, at this point, he was so confused that he wasn’t even fighting for freedom anymore. He simply stood there, dumbfounded. “You know that reefer you said was banging, Seifer? This is the guy.” 

“Axel, you’re a drug dealer?” The perplexity in Sora’s voice spoke for everyone. Roxas could feel his heart going off, running a marathon against his chest at this point.

Axel shook his head, far more relaxed now. “No, but this kid told me some sob story that really moved me, so I sold him something. I was drunk, evidently. Don’t even remember what he said.”

“You’re cool, man. Salvaged my weekend.” Raijin nodded in a sort of thoughtful way, then swiveled back to reality. “What’s your beef with my boy Seifer, huh?”

“What, weren’t you there when he made Sora cry? He’s a goddamn coward, is what he is. Yeah, Seifer, fucking come at me and I’ll break your twiggy arm.” 

Seifer tried to lounge at Axel again at the first insult, but was unsuccessful due to the three people holding him back in place. It didn’t stop him from getting angrier, though, and fighting harder. He probably knew that he wouldn’t escape them, but strong emotions weren’t rational. Axel only snorted out a laugh at the sight, but his attention was soon redirected back to Raijin when the boy spoke again.

“Fuu and I weren’t really paying attention when it started, we just broke it off after it had already gotten out of hand, but, hey, Sora’s our buddy, and we’ll try to make these two get along. It’s just… Tough, you know. Seifer’s lack of control, I mean.” 

“Yeah, that’s not my problem. He better stop running his mouth or I  _ will _ make him.” 

“No, no, it’s cool. It’s under control.” Raijin glanced back at his friend, giving him a pointed look that made him slowly stop fighting, and instead resign in everyone’s constraints, despite how mad he still was about all of it. He rolled his eyes at the situation, which made Raijin glance back at Axel. “So we’re cool, right?”

Axel glanced at the twins, vaguely motioning at the guy in front of him. “Are we cool, Sora?”

“Yeah, it’s fine. Let’s just go home.” Sora let go of Seifer, uncaring whether or not that would grant him an immediate uppercut to the jaw, and left to join Axel’s side. Seifer didn’t retaliate, though, looking to be much more self-contained now, so the other two slowly let go of him as well, and Roxas followed after his brother. 

\--

“I can’t believe what happened.” 

“I know. Sorry I butchered it.”

“No, Axel, you made it happen. I’m just stunned at how you did it. It’s so weird that you know Rai.”

“Well, I don’t, really. We just talked for maybe fifteen minutes.”

“What’s Wonderland?” Roxas interrupted their conversation, as the three of them walked back home under the yellow of the lampposts and the silver of the moonlight. Axel glanced down at him at the question, and he couldn’t help the skip of his heartbeat when their eyes met. It made him feel pretty dumb for getting excited so fast over essentially nothing. A look  _ was _ nothing.

“It’s a shitty nightclub. Admission is a dollar after midnight, that’s how shitty it is.” 

“Why do you go there?”

Axel shrugged. “Maybe one day you’ll find out.”

“Hey, so.” Sora cut in, wearing a crease in his brow. “If you’re not straight, then what are you?”

“Bisexual.”

“Sounds made up.”

“Yeah, but it’s not. I guarantee you.”

“So you’ve been with a guy before?”

“That doesn’t validate my sexuality, you know.”

Sora frowned. “What do you mean?”

“Your partners don’t  _ make _ your sexuality, they’re only a result of it.”

“So you’ve been with a guy, then?”

Axel sighed, clearly not fighting him anymore. “Yes, I have.”

“How was it?”

“Pretty bad.” Axel turned to Sora, placing a friendly hand on his shoulder, and offering him a matching look to go with it. “Look, Sora, if anyone decides to fuck with you again, either of you, just remember that I’m on your side, alright? If you need a guy, you can call me. We gotta stick together, you know. Fight for our own.” 

“Does this mean you’ll give me your number?” Sora bounced his brows once, smirking up at him like a dork. 

Axel grinned. “Yeah, sure.” 

The three of them approached the closest lamppost and stood right under it for a while, as long as it took Axel to scribble his phone number on Sora’s forearm. He had a pen at the ready in his jacket, said it was because of his ongoing thesis. Whenever he happened to be thinking about it, and needed to take quick notes or jot down a reminder of sorts, he could do it before the idea left him. He let go of Sora’s arm, and put the pen back in the leather jacket that looked to be much newer and sturdier than the battered one that Roxas had seen him wear twice before. His style was improving, and he looked good in it. 

“I’m a bad texter, so if it’s something important, you’re better off calling.”

“Can I call to know how you’re doing?” Despite how silly he sounded, Sora truly meant the question seriously. Last time he and Roxas had seen this guy, he had been wandering the streets, and later was admitted to a hospital, with very little explanation from their mother as to what had happened to him. It was clear that Sora cared for him as much as Roxas did, and every now and again worried for their friend’s well being. 

Axel didn’t look like he saw where Sora was coming from, but decided to humor him anyway. “Sure, but you’ll probably get a quicker answer if you ask Aurora instead.” 

Sora rolled his eyes and took a step forward to pull the redhead into a hug. “Thanks for being on my side.”


	4. The Frat Party

R15.A23

It was strange how, at the moment of the kiss, Roxas sincerely thought that his life had just peaked, but when he got home a few hours later, Namine was the last thing on his mind. Axel had completely outshined everything leading up to that point, so successfully that Roxas had pretty much forgotten all about the kiss when he went to bed. In its place, his brain was burning with the amount of new information about Axel that had been dumped on him all at once, not to mention the bomb with Sora. Was he really gay? He hadn’t actually said it, rather heavily hinted at it, which left Roxas lost at a crossroads. More importantly than that, though, it left him thinking about his own sexuality, something that he had never considered before. He was pretty sure what his feelings for Namine were, so that was crystal clear, but since he had never paid boys any attention, he didn’t know where they stood to him. He hadn’t felt anything when he kissed Hayner, but he hadn’t felt anything for Olette, either, so it didn’t really make sense. Did he even like anyone besides Namine? He didn’t know. 

Going to school after the kiss shared between them probably should’ve changed something, anything, about their friendship, but it seemed as if it hadn’t even happened. Namine treated him exactly as well as she had always done, nothing more and nothing less, which seemed strange to him. He wasn’t sure why, but he thought that things would be awkward now. Maybe that wasn’t how it was supposed to be, and everything was just fine. He was notorious for overthinking small things anyway. 

“So? Are you two dating yet?” Hayner whispered to him a few days later, trying out secrecy but not being very good at it, given that they were standing in the middle of the school hallway. Roxas shook his head. 

“No, why would we?”

“Because of the game, remember? Don’t tell me my efforts were in vain.”

“Everyone kissed everyone. Should we all be dating each other now?”

Hayner rolled his eyes. “No, dumbass. You’re supposed to talk to her about it, ask her how she felt. Tell her how  _ you _ feel. You know, all of that mushy stuff.” 

“Do I have to?” He could feel dread crawling up his skin and speeding up his heart. Confessing to her had never crossed his mind before, and he really didn’t like the idea of it. 

“If you want a shot at dating her, then yeah, you absolutely have to.” 

He thought about it. He thought about it  _ a lot _ . How and when he was going to ask her, and what to do depending on her answer. He was pretty sure that, if it was a no, they’d just outright stop speaking to each other. It’d be too embarrassing to even look at her after a rejection, but what truly got him in an impasse was how to proceed in case of a yes. Hug? Kiss? Hold hands at school? Maybe he could ask her what came next, or maybe he could just be at the ready in case that she went for any of those. He wasn’t a professional when it came to relationships, since he had never dated before, but maybe confessing wouldn’t be too bad. Maybe he could tell her over a poem instead of winging it in the heat of the moment. For some reason, that idea felt the most comfortable to him. An original poem over a song or anything else. 

He spent a long time making it. Finding the rhymes, staying into the metrics, coming up with cool metaphors and interesting symbolism. By the time it was ready, he couldn’t wait to proclaim it to her. He wasn’t even scared that his feelings could get hurt. Of course that wouldn’t be ideal, and it’d upset him, but sharing this thing with her that he had spent so long on would surely be cathartic, and make it all worth it. So, one day during recess, he took her aside and read her the poem. He felt pretty nervous overall, but managed to keep it together enough to not fuck up the reading. 

When he was done, he looked up at her, and it was incredibly relieving to see her beautiful smile. It filled him with the hope that maybe, just maybe, she liked him, too. He wasn’t even embarrassed at how hard he was blushing from it. 

“That’s really good, Roxas. Did you make it from scratch?”

“Yeah, I made it just for you.” He handed her the sheet of paper, watching the gratitude and amazement dance over her face, making her even prettier. “Did you like it?”

“I love it! It’s so sweet, thank you. You’re the best.”

He grinned wide, so wide that his cheeks hurt. “Thank you, um… That makes me really happy because, you know, I’ve been wondering if, um, if we could, maybe… Get together, you know?” 

“Oh?” Her brows lifted a bit in her surprise, but it didn’t look to be a bad reaction just yet. Still, he held his breath. “Together, like, as a couple?” 

“Uh, yeah. Like that. If you want to, I mean.”

“Right… Roxas, don’t take this the wrong way, but I thought you liked boys.”

“Huh?” Her words felt like a stab in the gut. He felt cold all over, pale and barely present. Boys? 

“Yeah, you know. I thought our friendship was something special because I like girls, and, I don’t know. Maybe my gaydar is off.”

He didn’t know what to say about that. He was too utterly, and completely, shocked at what had reached his ears just now. Namine liked girls, and she thought that their friendship was a Queer Alliance of sorts, maybe. The community, sticking together and fighting for their own, right? So it was a real thing, then, what Axel had said. Roxas felt weak at the knees. 

The rest of the day was spent in a strange, almost out of body experience, where he didn’t feel present, and watched the world from above. It slowly dissipated as periods passed by, and around the time for the last bell to ring, he had pretty much come back to reality, his body possessed once again by himself. Why would Namine ever think that he didn’t like girls? She might’ve not been wrong about the boys thing, and Roxas had started to accept that himself, but  _ girls _ ? He had always liked girls. His first crush was the Yellow Power Ranger, when he was a little kid. How come Namine didn’t know him at all? 

He was crushed. Hanging out with Hayner and the gang after class felt joyless, and he couldn’t help but try to avoid interacting with Namine too much. Fortunately, nobody but her seemed to notice that, and she didn’t really mention it, which made everything far less messy than it could’ve been. He knew that a serious conversation with her awaited him by Monday morning, but it wasn’t exactly his problem tonight, so he didn’t think about it while going home. He’d worry about that later, when he should. 

Rounding the last corner on the way home, he crossed paths with Axel, nearly bumping face-first into his chest. They both quickly apologized out of instinct, before the situation fully dawned on them, painting a wide grin on the redhead’s face and a slight frown on the blonde’s. 

“Axel, what are you doing here?”

“What, can’t I hang around your neighborhood anymore? You don’t own the streets, you know.” Axel plucked the cigarette from his mouth to speak, then took a long drag out of it afterwards. Roxas had never seen him smoke before, but it sure explained the exuberant Tom Ford fragrance radiating off of him all the time. Designer cologne was the perfect mask. 

“No, I know. Where are you going?” 

“Home.”

“Are you going to a party?”

“No, I said I’m going home.”

Roxas squinted up at him suspiciously. To his knowledge, a guy like Axel would never spend a Friday night at home. “Really?”

“Yeah.”

“Because I was thinking, maybe it’d be cool to go somewhere fun tonight, but if you’re just staying home, then I’ll go by myself.”

Axel snorted. “Right, and where exactly will they let an underage in?”

“I don’t know, I’ll figure it out. I’ll walk around downtown until a bouncer lets me in.” 

“Don’t do that. That’s dangerous.”

“I’ll be fine.” He took a couple of steps past Axel, to emphasize just how serious he was being, and to his luck, Axel took the bait, seizing him by the arm, and keeping him from leaving. Of course he wouldn’t actually go out there on his own, meandering the streets without a fake ID or any real money, only a couple of dollar bills in his pocket, plus a school bag hanging off a shoulder. He’d have to be insane to be outside past curfew, and in unfriendly parts of town no less, but Axel didn’t really know him to read the bluff. For all Axel knew, he was capable of anything, and not at all a goody-two-shoes who had just been rejected by his best friend. That still stung, but maybe dancing would help him feel better. 

“Alright, look. There’s a frat party tonight, but…” Axel paused, and sighed, running a hand through his hair. He looked to be very hesitant about inviting him, seemingly guilty beforehand of something that he hadn’t even done yet. “I guess I can bring you with me, if you really want to come.” 

Roxas grinned wide, feeling the butterflies overpopulate his chest. He had never gone out with Axel before, and attending a University party with him sounded otherworldly. Truly surreal. It’d be the coolest thing that had ever happened to him, not to mention that he’d finally get a glimpse at what Axel’s life outside of studying at his place every once in a while was really like. The wider he grinned, the heavier Axel’s conscience weighted. Roxas could see it in the crease of his brow, so he grabbed the redhead’s arm for attention. “I won’t tell my mom, I promise. I’m not a snitch.”

“You won’t drink, either.” 

“Of course not.” 

Axel sighed, but it wasn’t out of relief. Rather, it was out of defeat. He looked terribly worried, guilty and anxious, but Roxas couldn’t emphasize with him. He was far too excited to think twice about any of this, nearly bouncing in place from how tough it was to stay still right now, through the overwhelming exhilaration pumping in his veins. Axel surely saw the rapture on his face, and must not have had the heart to kill it because of a bad idea. He took a much longer drag from the cigarette before tossing it onto the street. “C’mon, we’ll be late.”

As it turned out, Axel’s house wasn’t at all far away from his own. It was a ways further than Hayner’s, and in the opposite direction from it, but still well within walking distance. It didn’t feel good to know that Roxas had spent so long wondering about this guy and wanting to see him, when he could’ve just walked to his place for a visit all this time. It almost felt like a type of betrayal, somehow. Axel said that they should stop there first to drop off their bags, which they did, in the strangest way possible. He didn’t open the front door, but instead rounded to the back and slipped his bag in through the crack of an open window. They didn’t even go inside. Roxas did the same before following Axel to the bus stop. 

“Don’t leave my sight, you hear?”

“I won’t.”

“If something happens to you, I’m fucked.”

“We’re both fucked.”

“Yeah, but it’ll be on me. Just promise to stay close.”

“I promise.” 

\--

The party was bombing when they got there. The music was loud, the people were drunk, and Axel knew the bouncer, so getting in wasn’t a problem. They squeezed past the dancing crowd together, Axel keeping Roxas right in front of him from fear of losing the kid, and leading him toward the kitchen, where it was far less populated. Only a group of people was in there, standing around by the back door, while some individual others came and went for the keg refill, which made the room actually breathable. Axel took him to the group of people, some of which, he noticed, were already grinning at the two of them. 

“Hey, guys, this is Roxas. Roxas, these are my friends.” 

“Hi.”

They all loosely looked to be about Axel’s age, and greeted him very nonchalantly from behind their red cups.

“Don’t you think he’s a little young for you, Axel?” The blonde guy next to Roxas spoke with a brow raised, barely able to contain the grin that was threatening to show through his joke. The question made Roxas’ heart race.

“Fuck off, Demyx. I’m babysitting.”

“Only Axel would babysit at a frat party.” A man with a big ass scar down his face cut in, getting a few snorts of laughter in response, but Axel only rolled his eyes at him. 

“As long as he doesn’t get with the kid, I don’t think I mind. I’ve always wanted a baby brother, anyway.” Demyx grinned and reached for Roxas’ hair, ruffling it with a hand. Roxas pushed him off immediately, making him laugh. 

“No, we’re only here to have water and dance, right, Roxas?” Axel glanced down at him with both brows raised expectantly, which, for some reason, got his friends laughing some more. Roxas was starting to believe that they were all already too drunk to  _ not _ find everything funny.

“Right!”

Axel slung an arm around his shoulders and brought him over to the keg, where red party cups were stacked in tall columns and some water bottles were stored underneath the table. He snatched a bottle for Roxas, and got himself a cup filled with beer. “Look, I don’t think it’ll happen, but if you get lost, just go where my friends are right now. It’ll be our meeting point, alright?” 

“Okay.” 

Back over to Axel’s friends, they were already engaged in another conversation topic, which Roxas only sparingly paid attention to. They spoke of people that he didn’t know, and of things that he didn’t understand, and the longer he spent listening to them, the louder the dance floor called to him. The crowd looked to be having a great time swaying and moving and grooving together, in a big pack of sweaty people, which he desperately wanted to join. 

He took a sip of his water, and decided it was time to interrupt the conversation. There were multiple ones going on at the same time, so if he killed one of them, it wouldn’t be that big of a loss. 

“When are we going dancing?” He directed the question to Axel, but the redhead was in the middle of drinking something purple with lemons in it, which looked really disgusting, by the way, and that ended up getting someone else responding in his place. Demyx had just finished his own cup, and was throwing it in the trash. 

“Right now.” The blonde all but tackled Roxas with how he crashed onto him, in a grapple that hooked him out of the circle, and toward the dance floor. It couldn’t have been a messier exit, but the guy was obviously drunk as balls, so Roxas didn’t mind it. He was just glad to be where all the excitement was. 

They danced a  _ lot _ . The neon lights drew moving patterns on everyone’s skin and lit up the room with color, flashing white at points, like stills of a movie reel, always over the base blacklight that colored their hair purple. It was fun, and the closest that Roxas had ever gotten to feeling a part of something, of society, because when lyrics to a popular song came on, time and time again, he’d find himself joining the crowd in an off-tone hymn that sounded like a perfect choir lost under the booming music. It was poignant, to say the least. 

They danced until sweat prickled at their foreheads, and Demyx suddenly decided that it was time to leave. He looked to have seen something from above, or maybe through, the crowd, and promptly started to follow it, without second thought. If Roxas hadn’t been paying attention, he would’ve been left behind, but since he was quick to grab Demyx’s arm before the guy disappeared into the mass of moving bodies, was towed along instead. 

Demyx brought the two of them to a ridiculously overpopulated bathroom, where people couldn’t  _ possibly _ be relieving themselves, not locked at elbows with strangers on both sides like this. Roxas was pretty much squeezed against Demyx’s back, and with the outside music muffled by the walls, he could hear Demyx’s voice loud and clear among everybody else’s. He didn’t know why so many people had to be all squished up in this one bathroom, or why Demyx sounded so upset about something, but he barely had any time, or chance, to make sense of anything, before Axel showed up in front of him, and took him back outside to the dance floor. 

“Hey, Roxas, let’s dance.”

“What’s going on in there?”

“Nothing that matters, trust me.” 

Having Axel lean closer to shout into his ear above the loud music felt good, almost spiritual, but not nearly as good as it was to watch him dance. His jacket was nowhere to be seen, the black A-shirt that he wore clung nicely to every muscle of his stomach, and the black necklace around his neck, half-hidden under the shirt, probably shouldn’t look this nice. He was ridiculously attractive, and the movements that his body made were unspeakable. Dancing next to him was nothing short of a religious experience. He looked  _ hot _ , he danced like sex incarnate, and Roxas couldn’t tear his eyes away. He could feel the definite flush perfectly covering his cheeks, but under the bright neon lights, he probably looked just fine, which was great luck, because he’d rather be caught dead before embarrassing himself in front of Axel. He did his best to mind his own business, but every movement of Axel’s hips, and every brush of his hair back, and every frown on his face was like a magnet on Roxas’ eyes that had him watching Axel, and feeling something very, very weird. Weird because it wasn’t at all unfamiliar to him.

He was very obviously thirsting for the guy. 

It was beyond embarrassing, but he couldn’t help it. He lived for the sliver of skin, just above the waistband of Axel’s pants, that flashed every once in a while as the redhead danced, and his big, strong arms, that were mostly tattooed, and the occasional glance of green eyes cast down at him, as if to make sure that he hadn’t ran off to the unknown. Dancing next to him was enrapturing, even if they weren’t touching at all. 

Roxas considered touching his waist, but someone else ended up being faster than him. Some stranger, who wormed his way over to the two of them, and straight up hooked an arm around Axel’s waist, without introduction or anything. Roxas was shocked at this sort of forwardness, but a million times more shocked when Axel, out of nowhere, leaned over and kissed the guy. By all means, it should’ve been disgusting, with a lot of visible tongue and very little care, or interest, for the other person, but somehow, it wasn’t. Instead, it had Roxas enthralled. He watched the movement of Axel’s throat and the flashing of his tongue and he liked it far more than he should ever,  _ ever _ have. 

When the kiss broke, Axel immediately turned to Roxas, and pulled him to a different location of the dance floor. More to the side, rather than the dead center, where the stranger was left behind. Impersonal hookups were a mystery to Roxas, how they even happened, but he was pretty sure that running away from someone wasn’t of code, or strictly necessary. 

“What happened there?”

At the question, shouted into the void of booming music over a dancing crowd, Axel leaned down to hear him better. The closeness almost startled him. “Huh?”

“What was that?”

“What?”

“That guy.”

“Just an interested party.” Axel straightened back up with a wink down at him, and went back to his dancing as if they hadn’t just straight up fled from someone. Roxas couldn’t say that he cared for that very much, though; not with Axel’s swaying hips right in front of him.

At some point, well into the night, Demyx appeared out of nowhere, and approached Axel for a change of plans. He said something to him, that was completely muffled by the music, but somehow made its way into Axel’s brain, and had the two of them starting to leave the dance floor. Roxas had paid attention to this interaction from the beginning, and was ready to follow, but in case that he hadn’t, Axel turned to him and took his arm, pulling him to come along anyway. 

The three of them made their way outside, to the backyard of whoever’s house this was, far across to the back end, by the fence. At first, Roxas wasn’t sure what was happening, but when Demyx took out a joint, he had a pretty solid idea. His only concern was Axel’s lack of a jacket in this chilly weather.

“So, how was it with Zexion?” Axel asked as Demyx lit the joint, puffing on it a couple of times. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Demyx dragged in deeper before offering the joint to Roxas. Axel quickly snatched it away from him, though, giving Roxas no chance to deny it by himself. 

“No, man. He’s just a kid.”

“I wasn’t going to take it, you know.”

“He can make his own decisions, Axel. He’s a big boy, however old he is.”

“I’m fifteen.”

“Really?” Demyx grinned in faux emotional attachment, as if he were speaking to a far younger child than the teenager before him. Roxas rolled his eyes while Axel busied himself with the joint. “I remember when I was fifteen. I stole gum from Wal-Mart that year.”

“Did you crash a frat party without a fake ID, too?”

“No, but I hotwired a car one year later.”

“Well, I skipped French class once.”

“Get caught?”

“No.”

“Damn, you’re bad.” Demyx took the joint passed back to him and brought it to his lips. 

“For real, though, what happened with Zexion? Did you fight again?” 

Demyx shrugged, inhaling deeply. He didn’t look very concerned about answering Axel anytime soon, too involved with the joint to care for this topic, so Roxas decided to jump in with a question of his own. “Who’s Zexion?”

“The love of his life.” 

“As if.” Demyx exhaled the smoke through his words, and offered the joint back to Axel. “He’s just a guy that I used to sleep with.”

“You fucked last week.”

“Exactly.”

Axel frowned comically at Roxas, flipping a palm up to further his point, too funny for the blonde to keep a straight face at. His laughter got Axel laughing, too, and he soon realized that nobody here was entirely sober, not even himself. 

“So you’re in love with him?” He asked the blonde with a bounce of the brow.

“Yes.”

“No! And don’t answer  _ for _ me.”

Axel leaned closer to Roxas, speaking in a whisper intentionally loud enough for Demyx to hear, too. “He’s  _ really  _ in love, man. Like, excessively.”

“Oh, fuck you, Axel.” Demyx passed the joint back, which Axel took, expressing that he was actually good for the moment. Demyx agreed with him, so he placed a hand on Roxas’ shoulder for support, and bent over to put the butt out on the sole of his boot. It was supposed to be a simple, everyday thing, but it looked to be giving him a hard time. He couldn’t find his balance, and had to try it three times in vain, laughing harder each time, before succeeding. It wasn’t even that funny, but his laughter had Roxas in tears. 

“Look at that, Roxas. Decadent. It’s all downhill from here, I’m telling you.” 

“Honey, I hit rock-bottom a long time ago. This is  _ nothing. _ ” Axel snorted through his laughter, straightening up again but keeping Roxas under the weight of his arm. He stashed what was left of the joint away, and started back toward the party, pulling Roxas closely along. Demyx followed. 

“What’s rock-bottom for you, then?” Roxas asked him as nonchalantly as he could, trying not to let show just how much he was actually interested in the answer. 

“It’s when you wake up one night with road rash and a broken arm in a puddle of your own blood and vomit, in the middle of an intersection that you don’t recognize, because you were kicked out of someone’s moving car who knows how many hours ago.  _ That’s _ rock-bottom.” 

“Really, that’s what you’re telling him? I can think of a couple worse things that have happened to you before.” 

“Yeah, maybe, but nothing’s made me feel smaller than that.”

“How did you get kicked out of a moving car?” Roxas cut in.

“Anything’s possible when you shoot enough coke, baby.” 

“Anything’s possible when you’re Axel Aulicus, is what he means.” 

“I wish.”

“It’s true.” Demyx nodded once, opening the back door for the three of them to go in through. 

As the night progressed, the party became more and more of a mess. The dancing crowd had started to thin out, people were throwing up anywhere that they could, and Axel’s friends were mostly all reunited in the kitchen again, chatting about uninteresting things and drinking the last of the beer as if the world around them wasn’t collapsing on itself. They were all visibly altered, but not enough to act too weird. They were simply hanging out at far too early in the morning, and if Roxas didn’t get a constant adrenaline rush just from standing within radius of Axel’s presence, he would’ve been passed out dead at this point. Axel’s friends talked of things that only half made sense, but somehow managed to get the whole message across to the listening parties, entertaining themselves with drunken gibberish until one of them checked the time, and said that they were leaving. 

“Shit, isn’t your mom going to kill you, Roxas?” Demyx asked as everyone started to disperse, making their way out of the house and onto the sidewalk only vaguely aware of each other. 

“I texted my brother in the bus and said I was sleeping over at a friend’s house.” 

“Smart.” Axel commented airily, slipping his jacket back on. It was a sort of miraculous sight, because Roxas hadn’t seen his jacket for most of the night. He even thought that Axel had lost it at some point. “But you’re not sleeping at my place.” 

“I know, Axel. It’s called lying.” 

“Why not?” Demyx pitched in. “A slumber party would be cool.”

“No, that’s not part of the deal.” 

“Don’t you think it’d be a little suspicious if he says he’s sleeping over somewhere, but then he comes home at four in the morning?”

Axel squinted, not liking his friend’s line of logic, or how much sense he was making. Demyx noticed that, and continued. “If his mother wakes up from it, she’ll think it’s a break in, and he’ll get in trouble because of you.” 

“It’s not my fault if he wanted to come.” 

“Guys, it’ll be fine. I won’t make any noise.” Roxas reassured his friends despite himself. Sleeping over at Axel’s sounded like a dream, but if the host didn’t want him there, then he wouldn’t push it. Axel glanced down at him, just about to agree with him, but something made him hesitate, and drop his point entirely. Roxas wasn’t sure what the redhead saw on his face, but he was glad that it was there at all. 

Axel sighed in defeat. “No, it’s alright. You can come over.” 

“Really?”

“Yeah. I promised I’d take care of you, and I won’t let it blow over at this point. Come on.” Axel wrapped an arm around his shoulders and walked him to the bus stop, followed by a very happy Demyx cheering excitedly right behind them. 

\--

Axel’s room was pretty much what Roxas had expected it to be. It looked barren and desolate, despite clear indications that people lived here. The wallpaper was peeling off, the floor was of dull wood and the furniture was scarce. A double bed rested by the window, with Demyx’s bare mattress on the floor beside it, a chair stood across from it and a dresser covered the furthermost wall. It wasn’t well kept, because random clothing items were strewn about, but it wasn’t dirty, either. It just looked old and untended for, as if nobody here cared for it. The naked overhead light bulb wasn’t working, so Axel flicked on a  _ really cool _ floor lamp instead, that truly didn’t match the rest of the room at all. It seemed to have come from a night club downtown or the basement of a rave. 

“Sweet lamp.” Roxas commented in passing after jumping in through the window. 

Axel grinned wide, obviously proud of himself. “Thanks, I stole it from Golden Hour before it closed down.” 

“How? It’s almost bigger than you.” 

Axel shrugged and slipped his jacket off. “When the spirit is willing…” 

“Man, tonight sucked. Sorry you had to experience it, Roxas.” Demyx cut in, sliding the window closed behind him. He wasted no time in kicking his shoes off and plopping down onto the mattress. 

“I dunno, I thought it was fun.” 

“Yeah, I had a good time.”

“Of course you did, you kissed a guy.” Roxas smirked cheekily, enjoying the accusatory way that Axel glanced at him from across the room. 

Demyx snorted. “Who  _ hasn’t _ Axel gotten with, to be honest.” 

“Me.” 

“Yeah, well.” Axel motioned vaguely in the air while toeing off his boots. “You’re a kid. When you’re eighteen,  _ then _ we’ll talk.”

“You promise?” Roxas sat down on the double bed with a brow raised, and his previous smirk even more wicked now. He had never been this bold before, especially not with someone who he looked up to so much, but hanging out with Axel had proved him to be a very easygoing and laidback guy, which pushed Roxas’ shier side away, and made him quite comfortable around him. For as much as he still considered Axel to be an untouchable deity, high up on a pedestal, this night had showed that he wasn’t really all that untouchable after all. 

Axel passed Demyx a glance, which was answered with a noncommittal face and two palms up in the air, as if pleading not to get involved in the issue. Axel shook his head at it. “Sure, I guess.” 


	5. Social anxiety

R17.A25

Originally, Roxas would take the events of that fateful night at the frat party to the grave with him, behind tightly sealed lips, but everything that had happened had been so beyond amazing that, when he got home in the next day, Sora was the first to hear everything about it. Especially how hot Axel was. Sora agreed with him that the redhead, on regular occasions, was already far above average without even trying, so when he did put in an effort, Sora could only imagine the results of it. Roxas let him know, in as much detail as he could recall, just what he had missed, which rendered his brother shocked. He told of the kiss with the stranger, too, and the half-serious promise in Axel’s bedroom afterwards. Sora told him that the redhead was obviously kidding about it, but Roxas liked to hold out hope that one day he’d truly have a chance. 

He couldn’t keep his mouth shut to Sora, and when Monday rolled by, he couldn’t keep it shut to his friends, either. They were all completely blown away by his story, and Hayner wouldn’t have believed him if Sora hadn’t confirmed Axel’s existence to the lot of them. In retrospect, that moment was when the seed of chaos got planted in all of their little brains, since it opened them up to the idea that partying was cool, or what adults did, or whatever. It made them go out of their way to acquire fake IDs and just as fake, but popular, friends, who threw parties regularly. 

Roxas wasn’t very interested in any of that, though, and on the meanwhile, tended to his own little friendships instead, eventually going to Namine to settle that whole rejection thing. She looked fine about it, honestly, seemingly not hurt at all that he had been so weird around her after her coming out to him, but still he felt the need to apologize. He approached her at lunch one day, which he hadn’t done in a little while, and sat down next to her. 

“Is that a tuna club?” He asked tentatively. 

“Soy.” 

“Right, you’re vegetarian.”

“Are you alright, Roxas?”

“I just… I came here to say I’m sorry. You know, for asking you out and stuff, and then being all, I don’t know, awkward about it. I’ve been in a weird place lately.” 

“It’s okay, I didn’t mind that. I liked the poem. You write really well.” 

“Thanks… I put a lot of time into it.” 

“So does this mean we’re still friends?”

“God, I hope so.” 

Namine smiled sweetly, in the way that completely reassured Roxas that everything between them was just fine, and back to normal. She was still his adorably beautiful lesbian friend, who would support him through everything, and he’d do his best to give her back in kind. “I hope so, too. And I’m sorry about the whole assumption thing. That was uncool of me.” 

“No, it’s fine. You were right about that.” 

She quirked a brow. “Really?”

Roxas hesitated to answer. He honestly didn’t know why he said that, and was only now registering his own words. He felt like screaming, but held it in behind a perfect smile. “Yeah.”

\--

Over the course of a year and a half, through very arduous work and thinly veiled fake friendships, Hayner had managed to expand his net worth incredulously, in hopes of getting exclusive house party invitations. He made friends with older students and got in on some party dates, that they never went to, because he either never actually got invited, or his invitation was solo, not even plus one, so he’d have to go alone, which wasn’t what he had been looking for. In the end, the first real house party that they attended was hosted by a friend of Namine’s from her neighborhood. 

The house was big and it looked expensive, too, with mahogany furniture and shiny wooden floors, but that obviously wasn’t the focus of the event. What brought people over were the flickering neon lights and the cool electronic music that flowed overhead, coupled with expensive beer and hard liquor being distributed at the bar. This place wasn’t as packed as the frat party that Roxas had been to, so long ago now, since it was much larger, and able to accommodate a whole lot more people, which made it friendlier to anyone who wasn’t big on crowds. Roxas himself soon found out to be an example of that. 

He honestly thought that he’d have a good time here. He had been looking forward to it ever since Namine announced it, he really had, but something just didn’t feel right about it, now that they were actually in the thick of it. His friends, for one, disappeared the moment that they walked in. Sora was the first to leave Roxas’ side, while Namine was the last. She knew the place, and gave Roxas a small tour around the allowed rooms, then stopped by the bar to fix herself a drink. She offered him something that, by the sound of it, was probably strong, so he just grabbed a beer instead, and kind of carried it around for most of the night, not really drinking from it very much. It felt more like a lanyard hanging around his neck, letting everyone know that he was participating in this event like a regular person would, and fitting in with everybody else, when in truth, he didn’t feel like he belonged at all. Namine was his only haven, but even she excused herself to go meet with someone that Roxas didn’t know, rendering him all by himself in an unknown environment before the clock even hit eleven. 

It was terrible, the whole thing. He spent most of it alone, sipping on gross beer while sitting on the bottom of the stairs and trying desperately to find a familiar face to cling to. When he did find a friend or two, they were too engrossed in their own affairs to hang around, or dance, or anything, so Roxas soon found himself abandoned again. Only Namine would show up to make him company for a while at a time, before leaving to get with a girl or another. It was heartbreaking, but not quite as bad as when she brought someone over with her. A guy that she knew, a friend of hers, apparently the host of the party. She introduced him to Roxas, said a few nice words about him, and then left the two of them alone, saying that she’d be back in a moment. Roxas would much rather be by himself than have to stand around with someone who was essentially a stranger to him. The guy tried to make small talk with him while Namine was gone, but Roxas was more scared than willing to make a new friend, which caused for a good few, and long, stretches of awkward silences, until the guy decided to just cut to the chase, and ask to get with him. 

At that, Roxas wanted to fucking kill himself. Of  _ course _ this stranger had an agenda, and Namine was obviously in on it, as well. He felt absolutely dead inside, and couldn’t even formulate a good excuse to straight up leave, so he did just that without saying anything. He followed the path that Namine had taken, and sure enough, he saw her right at the far end of the room. Getting to her ended up being a lot easier when the care for elbowing past a crowd was thrown out the window. 

“Don’t play the wingman.” He said to her, grabbing on her arm to make her turn around. She had been talking to a redhead that looked a lot like her, but Roxas didn’t pay the girl any mind. He was too busy fuming. 

“Excuse me?”

“Don’t try to set me up with some fucking stranger. I don’t even know him.”

“Sure you do, I introduced the two of you. He’s really nice, you should give him a chance.” 

“No!”

“Why not? I thought you liked boys.” 

“Yeah, but I’m not looking to go on some blind date right now.” 

“It’s just a hookup, Roxas, not a marriage proposal. What, are you nervous?” 

“No, I’m pissed.”

“Because someone’s interested in you? Loosen up, dude. Don’t be so serious. Get drunk, kiss strangers and dance like nobody’s watching. Who cares? Have some fun for once.” 

That advice didn’t help him feel any better, or happier, to have attended, but it did make him angry enough to go back to the stranger and accept that kiss, out of spite more than anything else. If this was what fun meant to Namine, then he’d show her that not everybody felt the same. He fisted the shirtfront of the party host and pulled him into a hard-hitting kiss, that had the guy surprised, but not disinterested. In all honesty, he wasn’t sure how to proceed from here, but to his luck, the host did, and introduced some tongue and all of that, which Roxas didn’t absolutely love, but went along with anyway. It wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t great either, so he simply stayed in that sort of limbo until the dude broke the kiss for whatever reason, giving him a chance to escape. He took it without looking back. 

He finished his cup of beer by sheer force of livid will, because it really didn’t taste the best, or resembled any sort of good in the world at all. It was bitter and very, very cold, but he managed to swallow it all down with a disgusted face, then move on to something else. Something that hopefully tasted a little bit sweeter. He actually asked the bartender if they had anything that tasted good, so the girl prepared him something pretty with strawberries and some leaves in it that, surprisingly enough,  _ didn’t _ taste like strawberries. It tasted like peaches, fake peaches drenched in something strong, which was probably the alcohol, if he had to guess, but it was sweet enough to drink without much discipline needed. He didn’t have it all, though. Half of it made him dizzy already, so he supposed that that signified a good stopping point. He threw the rest in the trash and went over to the dance floor. 

It was the worst thing that he could possibly have done. The alcohol made him very disoriented and the dance floor was too packed to let him have a good time. All that he could focus on were the sweaty bodies squeezing against him and the elbows digging into his sides and how loud the music was and how fast the room spun around. It was awful, and too hot, and he really needed some space. He pushed through the mass of high school students for what seemed an eternity until finally emerging on the other side. 

\--

The next day, his friends all met up in the hallway between classes to talk about the party, and how awesome it had been, and how many new people they had met, and how drunk they had gotten, and how much they had danced. Everybody seemed to have had a great time, while Roxas went on feeling like an outcast in his own little group. They were all too excited talking about their own experiences to notice Roxas’ deafening silence, though, so he ended up not having to confront anyone about that, which was the only truly wonderful thing to have happened to him in the last forty-eight hours. 

That night, Sora invaded his room, announcing that they were to have a sleepover. Roxas wasn’t very surprised, because Sora did this uninvited at least once a week, so he didn’t care when his brother laid in the spot next to him on the mattress, and snuggled up beside him. He just kept to his phone screen, mindlessly scrolling through Facebook, until Sora decided to break some ice. 

“I kissed a boy last night, at the party.” 

“I did, too.” 

“Really?” Sora’s eyes shone, making Roxas grin for whatever reason. 

“Yeah.” 

“Was he your first? Because mine was, and I don’t even remember his name. Maybe I never even knew that.” 

“No, actually. He wasn’t. Olette was, but, I don’t know. That was kind of unofficial.” 

“What? When did you kiss Olette? What the fuck.” 

“Last year, at Hayner’s treehouse. I kissed her, him, and Namine.” 

“Wow, what a whore.” 

“Shut up, you made out with some stranger whose name you don’t even know.” 

“Point taken.”

“So…” He paused. He had been meaning to ask Sora about this for a while, and supposed that this was the best time to do it. He held his breath. “Are you, like… Legit gay or something?” 

“Yeah, pretty much. What about you?”

“Uh…” He breathed out. “I don’t know. Some time ago last year, Namine assumed that I was into guys, so I just agreed with her, because I was confused, and, honestly, I don’t even know if that’s true, but it must be, if I got with a guy yesterday… I just… I don’t know. She probably knows me better than I do, anyway.”

“How can’t you know? It’s so… Obvious to me. Like, I think about dick a lot.” 

“Yeah, okay, I don’t. Also, never say that to me again.” 

“Well, do you think about p--”

“Do not. I swear to God, don’t finish that sentence.”

“... Okay… But you like girls.”

He thought of Namine, and how strongly, however briefly, he had fallen for her. “Yes.” 

“And you also like boys.” 

He thought of Axel dancing next to him about two years ago, and how enamoured with the redhead’s form he had become that night. “... Yes? Yes. Fuck.” 

“Sounds like you’re a made up bisexual.” 

“Shit.”

\--

Their little group didn’t party again for a few months, mostly because there was nothing going on during finals, understandably so, but also because the hype of the last house party had lasted a good long time after it happened. It lived on as something cool that had satiated their desire to taste the adult life for a while, until, surely, they were ready to go at it again. No house parties would be thrown for another month, so on a whim, they all just decided to hit up a club downtown instead. Roxas could feel that this was a bad idea, but Namine promised to not ditch him this time, or try to set him up with anybody, successfully coaxing him to go. 

If he knew just how paranoid he would’ve become, he would never have taken the invitation. The place was small and filled up with strangers much older than them, in a particularly dangerous part of town, near the strip clubs and the shady bars. They should never have left Hayner in charge of picking the destination, since Olette would’ve done a much better job blind, but it mattered little now, once they were all already here and most of them had already lost themselves in the crowd, on purpose, as per usual. Namine had a couple of drinks and wanted to dance and meet some girls, but Roxas was feeling too anxious and paranoid to really let her enjoy herself, so he ended up telling her that he needed to pee, and would meet with her later, somewhere. He’d find her. 

He didn’t say it, but it just didn’t seem right to keep her from having fun only because he was freaking out over nothing. Besides, by himself, he could move around much faster, and explore the entirety of this club, in hopes of finding a less populated place to maybe sit down and breathe and gather some peace of mind. 

The biggest problem, though, that had him panicking the most, was the fact that nobody here knew each other, and were random people from the streets who just felt like partying tonight. At a house party, the host handpicked the guests, and at least had a sense of judgement over them while doing so, but in here, they were squeezed up dancing against anybody. Not to mention that, if he simply went out to the sidewalk, terrible things could happen to him, especially if he were by himself. It was a terrifying thought that had him hugging himself in hopes of staying calm, or faking it enough to not have some episode in the middle of a club. He saw an arrow on the wall pointing up to a staircase, with the words  _ Smoking Lounge _ right above it, and decided that this was probably his best bet at getting some air. 

Upstairs wasn’t a lounge at all, but rather just the open roof with half-walls for railings on every side. There wasn’t a single bench or chair to sit on, or any furniture at all besides a few trashcans here and there, giving it a feeling of careless desolation, if it weren’t for the well-dressed people here, kind of gentrifying the area. It seemed strange that they didn’t mind such a dirty and obviously improvised place like this to hang around, but then again, the breeze was perfect, and Roxas wouldn’t try to reason with what already was. He walked over to the cement railing, to have a look down at the street, but stopped short in his tracks when his eyes fell on Axel’s face, all the way across from him, at the back of the roof. He almost doubted himself, but was drawn to this vision regardless, and the closer he got to it, the more positively real the redhead was, standing right there. It felt surreal. 

“Roxas? Holy shit, I haven’t seen you in  _ years _ .” Demyx spoke first as the blonde approached the two of them, and greeted him with a warm, friendly hug. It was a very welcome one, given how freaked out Roxas had been feeling a mere minute ago, so he hugged back just as warmly before letting go. “How are you doing, man? You’re so grown up, just look at you!” 

Roxas laughed, not missing the shake of the head from Axel’s side, despite the smile on his lips. He had missed these two, and the fun that they had had at the frat party, which was nothing close to how awful he always seemed to feel when going out with his friends. He didn’t know why, but being close to these two made him feel safe, somehow sheltered. Maybe because they were proper adults, who knew what they were doing, or at least faked it pretty well. Roxas couldn’t have been more glad to have ran into them tonight. 

“I’m great, actually. I’m here with a few friends.” More like he felt better  _ now _ , and his friends couldn’t have been less important to his well being, but he didn’t want to rat them out when his rotten experiences were of his own making. 

“Really? How did y’all get in?” 

He shrugged. “With an ID, like everybody else.” He’d leave the fake part behind in order to play the grown up, just for tonight. Demyx looked stunned that he was, to his knowledge, of age, while Axel just looked suspicious, not at all sold on this. Roxas put on his best act of not minding that. 

“Is that so?” Axel had a skeptical brow raised, and took a drag of his cigarette as Roxas nodded.

“Yup.” 

“This is so crazy. I thought I’d never see you again after that weird party. God, that was weird, wasn’t it? Zexion was there.” Demyx reminisced briefly, frowning at the fading memories of two years while toking thoughtfully on a blunt. 

“Yeah, whatever happened between you two, anyway?” 

“They had a fight because Zexion was shooting coke in the bathroom.” Axel jumped in. 

“Really? How did you figure that out?”

“I lent him the tourniquet.” 

“No, it wasn’t just because of that. We argued about some other stuff, too, but I was, like, super out of line, because we weren’t even dating or anything. Anyway, it doesn’t matter. It was a shitty party. You should’ve come to the one that we went to last week. That one bombed.” Demyx passed the blunt over to Axel, who smoked it with his free hand. 

“Maybe if you had invited me…” 

“I’ll invite you next time, for real. Now that you’re all grown up.” 

“Last week didn’t bomb.” Axel cut in, sounding strange from actively holding the smoke in his lungs. 

“You jabbed a guy in the mouth, dude. You  _ made _ that night bomb.” 

Axel exhaled the smoke through his nostrils, passing the blunt back. “Well, that got me kicked out, didn’t it?” 

“Of course it did. Did you really expect to just do that and walk?”

“Why did you punch someone?” Roxas interrupted, casually taking the blunt from Axel’s fingers before Demyx could. He had never smoked weed before, but breathing it last time, at the frat party, had given him a pleasant feeling, so maybe actually smoking it for once would intensify that this time. He brought it to his lips, watching the other two fight to answer his question, successfully taking the bait, and failing to notice him break the law right before their eyes.

“Because he was being an asshole.”

“Because he thought that Raphael was the best Ninja Turtle.” The two of them spoke over each other, but Demyx had more passion in his answer than Axel did, and excelled in getting Roxas’ attention better, making the blonde laugh around the blunt. 

“Look, it’s not my fault that he got super defensive when I said he was wrong.” 

“No, but you didn’t have to shit on Raphael so much just to rile the guy up.” 

“I  _ just  _ said that Leonardo was the rightful leader for a reason, and then he came at me like a savage animal. I didn’t make it physical.” 

“You have a point.” Roxas spoke, handing the blunt back to Demyx. It didn’t taste good, but he supposed that it shouldn’t, since the taste wasn’t the real point of it all. At least he didn’t cough during the exhale, or that would’ve been a fate worse than death. In front of the people that he wanted to impress, that was. 

Axel looked to only have noticed this now. “Wait, since when do you smoke?” 

Roxas shrugged, keeping it nonchalant, for as much as he could. “I don’t know, a while. Why?”

Axel was squinting again, in the suspicious way that knew how to read Roxas perfectly well. He seemed to have a lie detector stuck to him because Axel could call him out on all of it if he wanted to, but he just let it pass every time, as if storing this information for later use, which Roxas really hoped wasn’t the case. He was just trying to make an impression. It wasn’t fun being “the kid” of the group, and he couldn’t wait to get over it. Axel would never take him seriously until he grew the fuck up into a real adult, so that was what he was trying to do. 

“No reason.”

They passed the joint around for one final round before putting it out and going back downstairs, to rejoin the dancing crowd. The tight spaces between sweaty bodies didn’t seem so frightening anymore, and the room didn’t feel claustrophobic with both Axel and Demyx by his side. That change made no sense, but Roxas didn’t care. He was just glad to be feeling better, under the haze of marijuana and with the two people who made him feel safe. They took each other’s hands and cut their way through the crowd to a small spot where they could dance close together and have some fun without losing sight of each other. Neither of the adults tried to leave Roxas’ side the whole time they were dancing, and he ended up having a great,  _ great _ time. Being high probably also helped. 

Axel still moved ridiculously sensually, which had Roxas’ fleeting attention on his body every now and again as he floated through the high, and maybe because of it, Roxas wasn’t shy around him tonight. He touched Axel’s waist, and they danced together for a good portion of it. Mostly, it was fun, but he couldn’t turn a blind eye to how sexual it quickly turned into. Their bodies met at the chest, Roxas had his face on Axel’s neck, and the redhead’s hands were on his sides as they moved and swayed in time with each other. It was a different kind of Heaven that Roxas had been wanting to experience for quite some time now, and couldn’t be giddier about. He was sure that Axel could feel his grin against his skin, but he didn’t mind it. It was only fair that Axel should know just how happy he made him. 

As the night dragged on and the crowd began to thin out, the three of them decided to leave and hang out on the sidewalk for a while. Roxas needed to contact his friends anyway, and trying to make a call while loud music blasted from above wasn’t ideal, so they took each other’s hands and arms and left together. 

It was a pleasant surprise to see Roxas’ friends already outside, chatting drunkenly while waiting for him to show. It spared him the call. He motioned to the little group, and brought both adults over, but didn’t need to get too close for Sora to spot them. They could hear his voice from the next state over, from how exaggerated he could be, so it wasn’t a surprise when Sora rushed over and jumped onto Axel. The redhead wobbled around from his weight, added to the speed of his running, yet managed to not drop him. Both Roxas and Demyx laughed at his impressive acrobatics check. 

“What are you  _ doing _ here?!” Sora asked as his feet met the ground again, and his weight lifted off of the redhead. 

“Marginally the same as you. This is Demyx, by the way. My best friend. Demyx, this is Roxas’ brother.” 

“Is this the guy who sleeps on a mattress on the floor?” 

“Yeah, how did you know?” Demyx tilted his head askew, giving Sora a look. 

“I think I told him once.” 

“You did. It was pretty heartbreaking.” 

“Well, I have a bed now. We’re sharing an apartment.” 

“Shit, for real?” Roxas jumped in. 

“Yeah! You should come over sometime, Roxas. Oh, I know. Show up for my birthday. It’s in two weeks.” 

“How old are you turning?” 

“Twenty-five.” 

“Can I go, too?” Sora interrupted. 

“Of course! Any friend of Roxas is a friend of mine.”

“Hey, guys. We’re all sleeping over at Pence’s, are you two coming?” Olette spoke from a few feet away, where the rest of the group was already leaning on each other and messily stumbling their way down the sidewalk. 

“Yes!” Sora replied for the two of them, turning to give both Axel and Demyx farewell hugs. “Nice to meet you, Demyx, and nice to see you again, Axel. I still have your number, by the way. The one that you wrote on my arm.” 

“Awesome. Call me for the party address sometime, and wear the makeup that you have on. It looks good on you.” 

“Are you flirting with me?” 

“C’mon, Sora.” Roxas pushed his twin toward their friends, waving the two adults goodbye. “We’ll see you guys at Demyx’s party.” 


	6. Maybe Axel isn't worth it

R17.A25

In truth, the apartment was small, but the lack of furniture made it look bigger than it really was, and allowed more guests inside, as well. A lot of the people that were there Roxas had seen before at the frat party, so many years ago, but there were quite a few more that were new to him, too. The front door had been left wide open, so he and Sora simply walked in with Demyx’s present in hand, looking around for him. It didn’t take long before the guy with the huge scar noticed them, and called the hosts over to greet them. From the way that he shouted that, it was clear that he remembered Roxas, despite the name having failed his memory. Roxas didn’t feel bad for never knowing his name, either.

Demyx soon sauntered over from the thick of the crowd wearing a big smile on his face, obviously glad to see the twins here. “Hey, guys! Thanks for coming!” He hugged the two of them, one at a time, and looked genuinely surprised to see Sora hand him his birthday gift. “What, is this for me?” 

“Yeah, duh. Happy birthday, dude.” Sora grinned, watching him take the small box with a tearful eye. It was kind of funny, actually. To Roxas, it was. Demyx thanked them, and beckoned the two for a little tour of the apartment. He showed them to the kitchen, where the alcohol was laid out onto the dinner table, but more importantly, where Axel was chatting with someone, and then to his own room, where he left the present on the bedside table. He said that he’d open it later, when sober, then walked out with the both of them. Across from his room was a closed door, that Demyx explained to be Axel’s bedroom, then finished by telling them to make themselves at home, drink some booze, and have some fun in his honor. Last time that Roxas heard this, he ended up not having a good time at all, but he supposed that this choice of words was incidental, not premonitional, and proceeded to rejoin the party. 

Sora paid the kitchen a visit first thing, so Roxas followed him, hoping for the redhead to still be in there. He was, of course, talking to some guy who had half of his hair draped over an eye, but not for long, because Sora soon tore his attention away from the man with a side-hug. Axel grinned, hugging him back with one arm, and introduced him to the person he had been talking to, Zexion.  _ Zexion _ ? 

Roxas frowned. “You’re Zexion?” 

“Hey, Roxas.” Axel greeted him easily, but was outspoken by the cryptid. 

“Yes, why? Heard much of me?” 

“A little. I just didn’t think you’d be here.” 

“Do you know him, Roxas?” His brother interrupted, raising a brow at him while helping himself to some beer. 

“Not really, I’ve just heard about him from Demyx.” 

“Of course you have.” Zexion’s voice was monotone, as if not at all impressed, but somehow, he could still feel a tinge of vexation in it. 

Axel, for some reason, took it upon himself to change the topic entirely, and very quickly. “So, Roxas, what are you having? I’ll serve you.” He stepped closer to the table, where dozens of distilled brands, different brews and some mysterious other bottles were laid out in a sort of makeshift bar, with plastic cups stacked on the side, and a big ice container underneath. Roxas glanced the multiple rows down, taking special interest in the juice cartons pushed to the corner. 

“Do you mean I can ask for any drink and you’ll make it for me?” 

“I mean I’ll do my best.” 

“Well, what are you having?”

“Beer.”

“Okay, I just want something good, which isn’t beer.” 

“Me too.” Sora cut in, hypocritically sipping on his Budweiser on the meanwhile, and getting a grin out of the redhead. 

“Alright, I’ll make something special just because it’s your first time in my place, and I’m legitimately the best host that you’ll ever meet. So, do you like raspberry?” 

“Yes.”

“No.”

Axel looked at the two of them, deathly silent, before glancing back at the bottles in front of him, and reaching over to read off some labels. “Okay, what about, uh… Strawberry? Cherry?” 

“Cherry.” 

He took two plastic cups and set them on the table, pouring something red and thick from a bottle into one of them, and pouring the other something just as thick but purple from a different one. Placing the two bottles back, he reached for a very big bottle of crystal clear vodka next, and glanced at the twins before pouring it. “How strong?” 

Sora shrugged. “As strong as you think it should be.” 

“Yeah… Sure. What he said.” 

Axel filled about a third of each cup with it, then completed one of them with raspberry juice for Sora, plus a handful of ice cubes and a straw before giving him the drink. He then looked over at Roxas, motioning at the table with a palm. “What do you want in yours? I recommend either cranberry or strawberry juice, but if you don’t like either, there’s soda.” 

“Cranberry is good.” 

“What’s that first thing that you put in?” Sora asked while twirling the contents of his cup with the straw. 

“Raspberry liqueur. It’s about the sweetest thing in existence.” 

“After you?” Sora grinned mischievously at the unimpressed look that Axel gave him in reply. The redhead just blinked at him once, wearing a straight face, before promptly turning around to finish Roxas’ drink, and making the twins burst out into laughter from it. 

He handed Roxas the cup, then grabbed his half-finished beer from the table. “Have fun, kids. That’s the only thing I’ll ever make you.” He raised his cup a bit, in cheers, then left for the living room, where the crowd danced. At some point during the last few minutes, Zexion must’ve left, because the twins were the only ones in the kitchen now. 

Sora sampled his drink, and raised his brows in surprise, immediately going for a second sip afterwards. “This is really good. Like, legit.” He paused in between sips to run his tongue over his lips, tasting them. “He was right about the liqueur.” 

Roxas sipped on his, and had to agree with Sora. It was really very sweet, with a tinge of bitter alcohol that mostly went by unnoticed, which was something that he could appreciate. He was a little afraid of it being too strong for him, but if he drank it slowly, then he’d be fine, right? He’d rely on that unconfirmed belief for the rest of the night. Sora finished his disgusting beer before pulling his brother onto the dance floor with cup in hand. 

Drinking slowly didn’t do a thing for him, and had the world spinning by the end of the cup as he danced his soul away. It gave him a feeling of freedom, quite different from the anxious one that he had gotten at the club last time, before running into his adult friends. This time, everything was alright, he felt good, and the music blasted overhead. He guessed that this was what he was supposed to feel like when out with his high school friends, but for some reason, their nights together never worked out well for him. He didn’t feel safe out on the street with a bunch of kids, who left him alone anyway, and did their own thing separately in a big room full of strangers. Here he knew half of the crowd, and even if the front door was permanently wide open, this apartment full of adults still felt safer than a public nightclub. He was able to get drunk and enjoy it while dancing next to his brother, the birthday boy and the hottest genius in town. 

It was true that Axel didn’t dance with them all night long; he came and went as he pleased, mostly to refill his cup and come back, but he spent a fair amount of the party next to them, and when not, then mostly closeby with some of his other friends. He looked  _ good _ in a tight button-up shirt with the sleeves rolled up to the elbows, where the side slits let his skin show as he raised his arms. It was a sight to see, and neither of the twins missed it. Except that Sora was ballsy enough to take it a step further than innocent glances. 

By the end of the party, when everyone was almost too wasted to keep on dancing, Sora hooked an arm around Axel’s neck, and pulled him down for a kiss. It took Roxas completely by surprise, near-literally shocking him in place as the mouths before him connected, and  _ actually _ kissed each other. Never, in all of his life, would he imagine that Axel would ever kiss Sora back, much less make out with him using that much tongue, but he had proved to be wrong before, and this party only reinforced that. He watched the kiss in disbelief for a whole two minutes before having to physically get away from it, by walking out the front door. 

The hallway of this building had about eight doors per floor, and two windows on each end of it, so Roxas meandered over to the closest one, and stuck his face out of it to feel the cold. He let the breeze cool his skin, and the veins underneath it, until he could feel one too many shivers running up his spine, all at once, indicating that he probably had his face out for a little too long, or just long enough. His fingers, grabbing onto the panel, also were starting to freeze, so he decided that it was time to step away from this window, and back over to some warmth. 

He was, honest to God, heartbroken, and couldn’t even understand why. The whole thing was dumb, made no sense whatsoever, and still he found himself having trouble to breathe through the heaviness of his chest. His eyes stung, but he refused to accept the tears, because they had no reason to be there in the first place. Roxas didn’t understand a single thing that was going on inside of himself right now, yet he knew that staying out here wasn’t the answer to anything, and resignedly going back inside would only make him feel worse, so he went back to the apartment, grabbed the first jacket that he saw hanging around, and left the building entirely. 

The jacket was oversized, made of fine leather, and carried a very strong scent of Tom Ford on it. Of all the coats in the hanger, of course he had to grab Axel’s leather jacket, which looked to be new, even. No holes in it at all, didn’t even look terribly worn like all the others that he had seen before, and much newer than the new one from a few years ago. Either Axel had been stepping up in life, or his sense of style had changed to something far less trashy. Regardless, Roxas put it on to protect himself from the cold, secretly enjoying the Tom Ford radiating from it, when he felt something in one of the pockets. He took it out to have a look, and unsurprisingly enough, it was half a pack of Luckies, with the lighter inside. 

Without thinking, or reasoning in any form, he took out a cigarette and lit it. He puffed on it once, then took a decent drag after, coughed, but kept on smoking it right to the end, out there on the sidewalk. He didn’t have the slightest idea why he did it, or kept smoking when it didn’t even taste good, but his lungs were warm, and his hands became steadier, and for as much as he was still severely upset about what he saw tonight, he felt calmer with a lit cigarette between his fingers and smoke in his lungs. Maybe that was why Axel had picked up smoking in the first place.

Two cigarettes later, he decided to put the pack away and rejoin the party. Not out of the goodness of his heart, but because he was starting to freeze outside. 

The music had been turned off when he walked in through the door, and everybody was chatting drunkenly with each other while on their collective way out. Roxas only slipped the jacket off, hung it somewhere without paying it much attention, and went look for his brother, who had never been the hardest to find. Sora was laughing obnoxiously at something that Demyx had said across the room, which led Roxas right to him. He took Sora’s arm, using the pretext of everybody leaving for them to do the same. “C’mon, we gotta go. The party’s over.” 

“Aw, I hate this part.” Demyx moaned, obviously drunk as all Hell. 

“We’ll have fun again soon, I promise.” Sora reassured him while on his way out, briefly hugging Demyx goodbye before turning to follow the crowd through the door. Roxas hadn’t been looking, but he didn’t see Axel as they left anyway, and didn’t feel like changing that, either. 

\--

“Sora.” 

“Yeah?” 

He sat down on the couch by his brother’s feet, visibly morose, but uncaring whether or not the brunette noticed that. For the entirety of the last week, he hadn’t been able to get the kiss out of his head, or feel any better about it. His mind kept replaying the events of that night over and over, until it was the only thing that he could think about, to the point where it gave him a headache. The only solace that he took from the whole thing was remembering the cigarettes that he had smoked outside, which had him wishing for his own pack. The Luckies had made him feel better that night, and would probably still work a week later, but he hadn’t had the chance to really go out and buy some yet. 

“Do you think you could, like… Not kiss Axel anymore?” 

Sora perked a brow. “Why?”

He shrugged noncommittally, trying not to make a big deal out of this  _ very _ big deal. “I don’t know, just… You know? Just because.” 

“Because you like him?”

He honestly couldn’t answer that. There wasn’t a single cell in his body willing to answer that, or even consider the answer to be positive in any way at all, which rendered him speechless for half a second. Sora smirked wickedly.

“I knew it. I  _ knew _ it! Why did you never tell me? I’ll help you get with him.” 

“What?”

“I’ll help you! I’m the best wingman there is, so don’t worry. Leave it to me.” 

“No, don’t do that. I’m not trying to get with anybody, I’m just asking you to stop kissing him.”

“Because you like him.” 

“Because… Whatever. Will you stop?”

“Kissing him or teasing you?”

“Both.”

Sora’s smirk grew. “I’ll think about it.” 

\--

It was by sheer misfortune that the twins happened to run into Axel, Demyx, and a few of their other friends at a club a few weeks later. It was a very low-income place, at the edge of town, but places like this seemed to be the only kind where they ran into these guys, anyway. It was well into the night by then, maybe an hour before they would eventually decide to leave, when Sora bumped into Demyx, and Roxas’ worst nightmare began. Seeing them wasn’t the problem at all, though. In fact, they had always saved Roxas’ nights out with his friends, so at a first glance, he was happy. He was glad to see these guys, and dance alongside them, even if they were all already piss drunk, and possibly also high on something cheap. 

  
They danced with little to no coordination, and for a good long while, too, until Sora decided to spoil their good time. He was  _ very _ drunk, and had no self-control whatsoever, when he grabbed Axel’s arm and shouted above the music for him to kiss Roxas. Luckily, only the three of them seemed to have heard him, but it was mortifying enough just as it was. Roxas felt like literally running away to go dig himself a grave and live in it forever, six feet under, but his legs wouldn’t move. They refused to bend and run, which ended up with Roxas just standing there, in front of the two of them, as Axel laughed at how drunk Sora was. Worst than that, though, was the fact that Sora didn’t just give it up and leave it at that. No, he kept insisting, in his drunken haze, for Axel to do it, which embarrassed Roxas to no end, and  _ finally _ had him pushing through the crowd to escape into the wind. 


	7. Nevermind, Axel's worth it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recommended playlist: [Sleeping Uneasy](https://open.spotify.com/user/oliviazanini/playlist/5vrAwOmDkwssHYhvkWhTOo).

R18.A26

After that fiasco at the club, Roxas stopped showing up at shitty, or even remotely suspicious, clubs, and only frequented the ones in the nicest parts of town, where admission was fifteen dollars and up. He finally managed to get himself a pack of cigarettes, too, which were ridiculously useful for almost every single outing with his friends that ditched him at the first opportunity. This didn’t mean that Sora had given up on the whole wingman thing, though, and since he had Axel’s number, he usually had a loose handful of knowledge about where those guys would be going two out of four weekends in a month, so he suggested those places to their little group of friends in specific dates. It worked most of the time, and those guys, being none the wiser, went anyway, but Roxas was onto him. When Sora suggested a suspicious club, Roxas faked a cough or homework or literally anything not to go, and he didn’t. On those weekends, he lounged on the couch watching TV and absently scribbling half-baked poems in his notebook.

They only went out maybe once every two months, which didn’t really give Sora a whole lot of opportunity to notice that Roxas had been trying very avidly to avoid Axel and his friends, and that was honestly fine with him. Not having to explain himself was always a plus to anything. 

He used this time to get more in tune with his writing, and practice some metrics and rhymes that were somewhat decent enough to compose something that wasn’t too terrible. The more he wrote and tried out new things and mixed and matched and created, the more he started to hate the first poem that he had ever made, the one for Namine. He had kept a copy of it, obviously, and as his writing slowly improved, he gradually started to fix and better what he had made for her, to the point where he couldn’t stand the sight of it anymore, and ripped that page off entirely. He threw it into the trash, more than ready to start over, and write her a new one. Except that, this time, his feelings were a lot more platonic than before, and far more homosexual undertones were slipped into it, for her enjoyment. If she had liked the last one, then she’d probably like this one better. 

It was a project that underwent development for a good long while, because he only wrote when feeling inspired enough for it, and at his leisure, meaning that he worked tons on it during vacations, but barely touched any of it during the semester. It was just something to keep himself successfully occupied through high school, so he didn’t notice the slow passage of time, until prom suddenly jumped in his face, and with a swift dodge, he missed it. Like a touch of black magic, he was free from the pits of Hell, better known as his school.

Skipping prom really wasn’t a big deal. All of his friends swore oath to do it together, and hit up an upscale club instead, in the richest part of town. Roxas went, of course, got shit-faced, evidently lost himself from his friends, as was scripted to happen, danced alongside some of the wealthiest kids in town, took a piss in an absurdly fancy bathroom, where the faucets were painted gold for some reason, and smoked outside for a while, until his friends, one by one, showed up ready to go home. All of this was standard procedure at this point, and Roxas couldn’t say that attending prom instead would’ve been any better or more rewarding than the waste of time that was tonight. 

The morning after hit him with quite the surprise, though. As he was having dry cereal for breakfast, Sora decided to drop a bomb on him. 

“I lost my virginity.” 

Roxas blinked. Once, twice. “For real?”

“For real, real. Guess with who.” 

“God, do I want to know?” 

“Seifer.” 

“ _ What _ ?”

“Yeah, I know. It fucked me up, too, but, you see, he was there, so I went to say hello, and he turned out to be wearing this really nice make up, right? And I’m like, bruh, he can’t be straight. Is this a joke? His eyeliner is  _ just _ like mine! So I compliment him on it, as you do, and he says that he’s been practicing for a while, thank you, and at this point, I’m completely thrown off, because what the Hell is Seifer doing being nice and also not straight? Okay, so, I’m drunk, and I’m pissed off, and I tell him, yeah, well, that’s pretty fucking gay, and he says, I know. And then, I don’t know, we just kind of end up kissing somehow, and for a long time, and he’s like, really fit, and I’m so horny, I keep feeling him up, and he feels  _ me _ up--”

“Oh my God, just cut to the chase, Sora.” 

“Alright, alright, we move to the bathroom, which looks really nice, by the way, and we just fuck right there. I don’t know. I’m utterly speechless.” 

“Did you use protection?” 

“Yes, he was suspiciously prepared, like he knew he’d fuck last night.” 

“Cool. Never get this detailed about your sexual encounters to me ever again, but cool. I’m happy your hate-love was solved organically.” 

“ _ Very _ organically.”

“Do not.” 

“It was nice. I mean, I literally hope to never see him again in my life, so that was a good closure to it.” 

“Sweet. Are you doing the whole thing where people leave high school behind, get on a new chapter of their lives, and keep no connections from the past?” 

“You bet your ass I am, but I’ll still talk to your friends because they know how to party.” 

“They’re your friends, too, you know.” 

“I’m not so sure I would say that? I’m more of a leech friend, who’s only there when the cool stuff is going on.” 

“I don’t think they care about that, so.” 

“Cool.” Sora glanced aside, then nodded at the few stacked boxes by the kitchen counter. “Do you know when we’re moving?” 

The poems that Roxas had been working on at his leisure  _ somehow _ ended up being good enough for the local University to accept him, when he used them for an application once, a little while ago, without telling anybody, because he hadn’t taken his own work seriously in the first place, and wouldn’t dream of getting accepted. Sora, on the other hand, had glued himself to Aurora for help with his application for some Engineering Major that Roxas honestly couldn’t feign enough interest in, and had successfully gotten in, as well. That rendered the two boys into University, and Aurora completely broke. 

When they both showed her their acceptance letters, Aurora started looking into their college fund, that she had been putting together ever since she had the means to, which hadn’t been too long ago, and had come to the disappointing conclusion that they had to cut some expenses for it, starting by moving somewhere smaller, where rent was cheaper. At first, the boys had been worried, because when Aurora mentioned the word apartment, they both immediately pictured somewhere cramped and shitty like Axel’s place, but once they actually started looking into it, their choices were much,  _ much _ nicer than that. She had been looking for a place close to campus, so they could all get to it on foot, or at a maximum of five minutes by car, and despite how small apartments could be, she had come across some very fancy ones within the price range that she wanted them to be. It put their big old house into perspective. 

“By the end of the summer. It’ll be weird sharing a room with you.” 

“It’ll be the best! Every night will be sleepover night.” 

“Yeah, but not with your one-night stands.” 

“Please, I’m better than that.”

Sora wasn’t better than that. He loved the idea of sharing a room with his brother when it was still a concept, and admittedly, after they moved, it was pretty alright during the day as well, but when nights rolled by and his drunk ass got with some random guy at a club, all of the sleepover fun flew out the window, and he was left an annoying mess, who didn’t  _ always _ want to fuck in  _ dirty _ bathrooms. He still did it, anyway, but had to complain about it in the bus every single time. Roxas honestly couldn’t bring himself to care about his brother’s exaggerated woes, and after long enough, going on  _ too _ long, he began to wonder when would be the next time that he’d actually enjoy himself at a club. 

As if an answer to his calling, a week before the first day of college, Sora announced the grand re-opening of some prime club called Golden Hour, which Roxas felt like he had heard of before, somewhere, very distantly so in the past. He couldn’t remember exactly where, or when, but this name resonated with some translucid memory in his brain, and pulled him into its opening night anyway. When they got there and he saw the huge floor lamps, he knew exactly what this place was. Surely enough, as legends of shitty clubs told, they showed up before midnight, and didn’t have to pay admission. This rocked Sora’s world, while Roxas only recalled some very fond memories of the hottest junkie that he had ever known, feeling like an ancient spirit roaming the gentrified ruins of a reborn land. 

They didn’t bump into Axel right away. Roxas was very painfully aware that they’d run into him tonight, undoubtedly, at some point, but it took way longer for it to happen than he honestly thought that it would. The night went on for a  _ good _ long while before he saw them. He partied without the interruption of any visions from the past until his body felt that it had danced enough for a lifetime, and drank enough to almost start criss-crossing his steps, pushing him outside to chill and smoke for a minute before going home, like he was used to do. That was when he saw them, by the furthermost wall, passing a blunt around. Did these guys do  _ anything _ besides getting high? Roxas was too drunk to vocally criticize them, or really care about that, but his legs took him over there anyway, on their own, his body unspeakably drawn on the two of them, as it had always been. He approached them with the cool aloofness of someone whose alcohol tolerance was low to the ground, and greeted with a loose wave. 

“Hey, fuckers.” 

“Hey, look what the cat dragged in.” 

“Roxas? Holy shit.” Demyx wrapped him in a friendly, however tight, hug for a greeting, before plucking the blunt from his mouth to speak. “How are you, man? Doing good?” 

“Doing great. I moved.” 

“Yeah, we know. You’re practically living inside the campus now.”

“How did you know that?”

“Aurora told me.” 

“Why didn’t you tell me? I didn’t know. You didn’t tell me.” Demyx shook his head at Axel, took a deeper drag out of the blunt, then passed it to Roxas. He accepted it with a raised brow directed at the redhead.

“You still talk to her?” 

“Of course I do.”

“I thought you finished your Master’s last year.” Roxas casually toked on the blunt, keeping it between his fingers afterwards. 

“I finished a year before that, and I’m about to start a Doctorate now, but whatever, it doesn’t matter. We fucking work together. I see her almost everyday.” 

“What?” 

“Don’t tell me you didn’t know.”

“No, I didn’t know. She never told me that.” 

“Why don’t Chemists tell people things? That’s fucked up.” Demyx scoffed. 

“We’ve worked together for four years, man. Where the Hell have you been?”

“Minding my damn business, I guess.” Roxas took a second, briefer drag, before passing him the blunt.

“Right.” Axel took it, brought it to his lips, and relit it with a lighter for more concentrated inhales. “You know.” He spoke around it, then paused to keep the smoke in his lungs for a minute longer, slowly breathing out after. “I don’t mean to dismember your family or anything, but considering how you don’t tell your mother everything, I don’t know why you’re so surprised that she doesn’t tell you everything either. Especially when it’s about me.” 

“I’m not surprised about that. I’m actually more surprised to know that you have a job in the first place. For the longest time, I thought you were a homeless person. Honest.” 

Both Axel and Demyx burst into laughter at that. Axel got roped into a coughing fit right in the middle of it, from the smoke in his lungs, and promptly passed the blunt over to Demyx later. 

“You prejudiced little bitch. I’m poor, not homeless.” 

“Yeah, you look  _ real _ poor in that Diesel jacket, those Levi’s jeans and--are you wearing Burberry?” 

“Yes.” Axel raised a brow. “You’re pretty good.” 

“Since when do you wear Burberry?” 

“Since that’s none of your damn business.” 

“Since I don’t work at Tom Ford anymore.” Demyx commented easily, seemingly more preoccupied with the blunt between his fingers than their conversation.

“So you work at Burberry now?” 

“No, Ralph Lauren.” 

Roxas made a confused face, so Axel jumped in to elaborate. “He had a discount working at Tom Ford, but that was also when we didn’t make a lot of money. Now we do, and I can afford to wear Mr. fucking Burberry if I want to. Also, I don’t think they have their own store.” 

“Correction.” Demyx cut in, nodding at the redhead. “ _ He _ makes a lot of money. I’m still poor as all fuck.” 

Axel scoffed. “Whatever. What’s mine is yours.” 

“Aw, you guys. When’s the wedding?” 

“It was ten years ago, and you missed it.” 

“We’ve known each other for longer than that.” Demyx finally passed the blunt back to Roxas. His terribly slurred speech a sure evidence that he had smoked on it for a little too long.

“Shit, really?”

“Yeah, I was twelve when I met you. We were the only ones who stayed in the library after class, like, everyday, and we had English together, too, in that same year. You sat next to me once, and we just… Started talking, man. It’s all history now.” 

“I only did that because I thought you were cute, you know.” 

“And I indulged you because I thought the same.” 

“Star-crossed lovers. What a beautiful story.” Roxas joked, wearing a big grin on his face, then glanced at Axel to address the next question to him, as well as offer him the blunt. “Can we go back inside now? I’d like to grind on you for the next hour, if your husband allows me.” 

“Is that so?” Axel slitted his eyes in that suspicious face that doubted the veracity of Roxas’ words, even though, this time, he wasn’t lying. He was far too high for that, and any carefully draped veil over his true intentions had been left quite untended ever since the alcohol in his stomach turned the world a blurry mess tonight. Axel took the blunt from him, and put it out. 

“I’ll allow it.” Demyx jumped in, absolutely baked. 

“Thank you. Also.” Roxas cut himself short, turning to look at Axel. He placed a hand on the redhead’s stomach for balance, and pushed himself onto his tiptoes. He figured that this would haunt his dreams for all eternity if he didn’t just up and do it already, so he grabbed Axel’s shirtfront and leaned up to put a kiss on his lips. It was chaste on purpose; a simple, but proper, peck that left the warmth of Axel’s skin on his own after they parted. He rolled back onto the heels of his feet then, letting go of Axel’s shirt. “Sorry, I’ve just been meaning to do that for the longest time.” He smiled up at the redhead, then turned to look at Demyx, beckoning him with a hand to follow. “C’mon, let’s go dance.” 

The two adults looked dumbfounded, but followed him back inside anyway. 

For someone who had been feeling partied out not ten minutes ago, Roxas danced a whole lot, with the other two accompanying him in earnest. Demyx, always the crazier one, moved like a kid high on sugar, while Axel danced with the upbeat sensuality that only he could channel this well. It seemed to naturally course through him, this ever-so-present hedonism that simply radiated off of his skin as he moved and swayed in time with the beat. Roxas watched him openly this time, without any of that concealed interest from the corner of his eye, either because of the alcohol or the high, but tonight he was unchained, and completely free. 

It didn’t take long before he found himself touching Axel’s hip, and getting gradually closer to him, until they were outright dancing with each other. Hands on sides, arms wrapped around thick torsos, bodies easily falling into the same rhythm together, his face on Axel’s neck, and Burberry on their sweat. They were close, so close that their chests eventually pressed onto each other, Roxas’ arms draped across Axel’s shoulders, and Axel’s hands warmed up his sides. They swayed and moved and danced together in such perfect synchrony with one another that Roxas wasn’t sure who reached for who, but before he could catch himself, their mouths had already met. 

Kissing Axel was messy, badly coordinated, drunk, and the best thing that Roxas had ever experienced. 

They made out for maybe ninety percent of the whole time that they spent dancing on the floor, keeping each other close with hands that refused to let go, and moving as if mentally connected. Axel leaned down when he leaned up, and he leaned up when Axel leaned down, meeting the other halfway pretty much every time, and when they didn’t, every miss of Axel’s lips was a hit on his neck and jaw instead, so Roxas didn’t consider that to be any kind of loss. For as much as he didn’t usually care for romantic affection, he could safely say that he had never enjoyed someone’s tongue so fervently before, and if given the chance, would advocate much,  _ much _ more of it. 

The three of them only decided to leave when the club started to look empty, and the songs felt about to run out. Nothing good had been playing for the last fifteen minutes, anyway, so they saw themselves out. To their surprise, Sora was already standing outside, hugging himself by the sidewalk while checking his phone. He was so engrossed in it that their approach was a surprise. 

“Hey, beautiful man.” Demyx bumped Sora lightly on the shoulder, getting his attention. The brunette grinned at the sight of the two. 

“Aw, hey, guys!” He hugged the blonde first, and Axel next, never letting his trademark grin die. To say he looked drunk would be an understatement. “I haven’t seen you in so long! And how do you always find Roxas in the weirdest of places, but not me?” 

“He’s the one who always finds us. I’m starting to think I have a magnet on my forehead or something.” Axel answered, passing the blonde twin a glance.

“You two are very predictable. You’re always getting high outside, and a tall redhead isn’t very hard to miss in a crowd.” Roxas defended himself.

“Are you two here with your friends?” Demyx changed the conversation topic entirely, seemingly too spaced out to have followed the last couple minutes of it. 

“Um, no. Most of them moved out for college, and Namine couldn’t make it tonight, so it’s just me and Roxas. Why?”

“No reason, you’re just always with them.” Demyx looked pensive for a moment, then, as an afterthought, added. “If you need somewhere to sleep tonight, you can come over. I think Roxas is going to, anyway."

Roxas frowned. “Why would I?”

“No, it’s cool. We told our mom we were coming here.” Sora cut in to answer the tall blonde. “We’re finally eighteen, and we thought, fuck it, you know? She had to know at some point, might as well just tell her now.” 

“How much did you tell her?” Axel raised a brow.

“We just said we wanted to go to a club for once in our lives.” 

Axel laughed, but Demyx still looked pensive, suddenly deciding to change the subject again. “Hey… Hey. You know. We’re your friends, too, you know, and we’re not going anywhere, guys. I’m never going off to college, and Axel’s never getting out of it, so, hey, if you wanna party with us, you’re always invited to, alright? We’ll always be here, wasting our lives at the edge of town and burning some dollar bills while we’re at it. We’ll be your buds forever.” 

“Aw, really?” Sora smiled, touched to the brink of tears.

“Yeah, yeah. Here, I’ll put you two in the group chat. We have a group chat for parties and stuff. What’s your number?” 

Sora told Demyx both his number and his brother’s, watching the blonde punch them into his phone, save them, then add the twins to the chat. He flipped the phone around to show them the screen. “See, it’s this one, with the Canadian flag for a name. Just one Canadian flag emoji.” 

“Why?”

“Because, sometimes, you don’t need words to express your feelings.” Demyx put a hand on top of Sora’s hair, smiling warmly down at him, before shoving his phone back into his jacket. “Okay, we’re going home. We’ll plan out something later, in the Canadian flag.” 


	8. A drop of self-awareness

R18.A26

In the next morning, while Sora had breakfast at half past noon, Roxas decided that it was payback time. He sat down at the counter across from his twin, who leisurely ate some apple slices while browsing Facebook on his phone, and cleared his throat for attention. 

“So… I made out with Axel last night.” 

Sora immediately looked up at him with wide eyes. “What? Really?”

“Yeah.”

His brother grinned, then stuck out a hand for him to shake, which he promptly did. “Good job, Roxas. Good fucking work. How was it?” 

“It was nice.” 

“Just… Nice?”

“Well, I mean. I don’t know. I thought it was nice.” 

“Um, it just seems to me that when you finally get with the guy of your dreams, your description of it would be a little more than just, you know, nice.” Sora paused. “Did he butcher it?” 

“No, he didn’t. And he’s not the guy of my dreams.”

“Roxas, you’ve had a crush on him since you were twelve.” 

“That’s not true.” 

“Oh, really? You barging into my room to tell me that I just missed the hottest guy ever wasn’t you having a crush on him?” 

“I didn’t call him that, I said that he looked cool. There’s a difference.”

“Roxas, when a twelve-year-old says that someone’s cool, it’s because they have a crush on them.” 

“Look, whatever, Sora. I came here to tell you something, and now that that’s done, I’m leaving.” 

“Wait, did you check the group chat?” 

He paused in mid-hoist off of the stool, so gravity pushed him to sit back down on it. “No, why?”

“Because the name isn’t a Canadian flag, it’s just a maple leaf emoji.” 

“... Alright.”

“There are twelve people in this chat besides us. How come we only ever run into those two guys?” 

“Maybe because we don’t really know anybody else by face?”

“I thought you did.”

“Not really.” 

“Someone here is inviting everyone to go to their place to, quote, unquote, smoke weed and chill. Do you think that includes us, too?” 

“I don’t know. Probably.” 

“Should we go?”

He shrugged. “Do you  _ want _ to go? Who’s even gonna be there?”

“I’ve no idea. No one answered him, they’re just talking about random shit now. I don’t know what any of this means, or what’s even happening. This was clearly a mistake. I can’t believe I let Demyx rope me into it.”

“You know, maybe this is a consultation-only group, just so we’re informed about what’s going on, when and where. We don’t necessarily have to accept every invitation.” 

“Yeah… I guess you’re right. I’ll just keep an eye out for anything that Demyx says.” 

Sora did a good job of that. He kept in contact with Demyx very regularly, or as regularly as the blonde would reply to him, and later found out that he and Axel had taken the guy’s invitation to hang out and smoke at whoever’s place the other day. They hadn’t mentioned it in the group, because rarely anyone confirmed attendance to last-minute invitations, they just showed up to them. What they did confirm attendance to, however, and planned rather thoroughly, were club outings, which they usually planned within twenty-four hours of the party, to get everyone’s names into the VIP list. Sora thought that that was  _ genius _ , and didn’t mind having missed the chill hangout at whoever’s at all. He just kept an eye out in the chat for these VIP lists. 

Classes started that week, and for as much as Roxas had been looking forward to a new beginning, all of the excitement died within the first few handful of days. The teachers, students and the location might’ve changed, but it didn’t take him too long to figure out how everything else had stayed the same. Homework, papers for grading, group projects, extracurriculars, and so on. It was true that he didn’t have Maths or Sciences anymore, which was relieving, but that didn’t change the fact that going to University only felt like going to High School 2.0, where he had been downgraded back to a freshman without any friends, and had to replay this whole game, only this time on a higher difficulty, because his best friend studied in a different building from him, and his dear brother was all the way across the campus, rendering him truly alone until his antisocial ass would ever decide to get out of its shell and make some new friends. 

The first week surely didn’t grant him or Sora any meaningful acquaintances, so when Friday rolled by, and the group chat started to stir up trouble about hitting Wonderland, they only had Namine to bring along. None of them had been to that club before, but Roxas remembered it being mentioned a few years back, when they decided to go shake Seifer around in front of his own million-dollar house, and Axel ripped on its admission fee. All Roxas could say to Namine was for her to bring a dollar bill, just in case the clock happened to run past twelve right under their noses. She didn’t even question it.

The group met up in front of the club, and about ten people in total showed, five of which the twins didn’t really know, but had met before at Demyx’s party, and in Roxas’ case, the frat party before that. The man with the face scar was there, Zexion was there, some guy with pink hair was there, and two other people who looked rather intimidating were also there. The twins introduced Namine to everyone, but mostly to their two closest friends, before the lot decided that the waiting was over, and it was time to go in. 

As Roxas followed the tall adults inside, he wondered if they were the type of friends who did the same bullshit that his friends used to do, and lose themselves in the crowd for the best portion of the party. He didn’t have to finish his line of thought before four of the five people mentioned above vanished past the doors of the club for the rest of the night. 

Wonderland looked like trash from the outside, and was further garbage on the inside. Everyone here had come in for free, since it wasn’t midnight yet, and somehow, most of them were already tripping over themselves. Roxas didn’t pay them a lot of attention, though, not while firmly grabbing onto Demyx’s arm to not get swallowed by the crowd as they made a beeline for the end of the bar. 

This club was honest to God so decadent that Zexion had smuggled two huge bottles of vodka in his bag without the bouncer checking it at all, with plastic cups for everyone and everything. For some reason, the sight of everybody passing the stack of cups around for each to take was really funny to Roxas, and he couldn’t help but grin dumbly the entire time. Zexion filled up everyone’s cups one to two times, depending on how fast they could drink it, and then Axel bought the equivalent of a beer case from the bar, which was more than enough for all of them to start it off blissfully drunk. 

By the time they were done hanging around getting shit-faced, the club had packed, and the dance floor looked more than just inviting. Roxas threw his empty cup in the trash, grabbed Axel’s wrist, and pulled him into the crowd, for the first time in his life uncaring whether or not he’d see any of his friends for the rest of the night. Everybody else chained their arms with each other and followed the two of them deep into the dance floor, though, but that hardly mattered. Roxas didn’t pay them any mind while keeping Axel all to himself. 

They danced and made out for the majority of it, with a few breaks here and there to either pee or smoke, but for the most part, the two of them were a mess of lips and tongues and hands on sweaty bodies, in each other’s hair, and up each other’s shirts. Axel tugged and licked and bruised his lips, while he nibbled and sucked and kissed him harder, holding him close and clinking their teeth together. It was ethereal, the burning warmth of Axel’s palms on his lower back, his fingers through the red mess that was Axel’s hair, and their bodies pressed up close together all the while their mouths were connected. It almost didn’t feel real. 

By the end of the night, when everyone gathered out onto the sidewalk to go home, Roxas unapologetically kissed Axel’s full mouth in parting, before taking Sora’s arm and leaving with him. 

\--

“Did you fuck last night?” Sora asked him the next day, coming to join him on the couch with a bag of Skittles in hand. He turned the sound down. 

“What?” 

“You and Axel, did you fuck?”

“No, of course not.” 

Sora made a face at him. 

He raised a brow in return. “... Why?”

“Did you notice how hard you two were getting at it? I mean, it got so bad that at one point I was  _ sure _ you had left together to go fuck somewhere. Like, dead sure.” 

Roxas scoffed. “As if I’d fuck him in some dirty ass club.” 

“What, are you better than that or something?”

“Yeah, actually. About a million times.” 

It was Sora’s turn to scoff. “Your virgin ass won’t know the difference between a dirty bathroom fuck and a romantic love-making session by the third time he’s balls deep into you.” 

“Can you shut up?”

Sora popped some Skittles into his mouth, looking offended. “I don’t know why you’re so defensive about this.” 

“Do you have  _ any _ self-awareness at all?” Roxas scoffed louder, then turned the TV off in Sora’s face before getting up from the couch and leaving the room. 

When, in a billion lifetimes, would he ever fuck Axel Aulicus in the bathroom of some unknown club, regardless if admission was one dollar past midnight or fifty bucks in a suit and tie? The thought sent shivers up his spine, it made his skin crawl. It was true that he liked the redhead, he liked him a lot, but sex wasn’t something that passed through his mind very often. His brain worked far more sentimentally than carnally, about ninety-nine percent of the time. That unfortunate one percent had him getting off under the covers or in the shower very quickly because he absolutely had to, and it felt like a chore, every single time. He didn’t enjoy touching himself, or watching porn, or speaking of or hearing of sex. It made him uncomfortable, and he knew that that probably wasn’t the norm with everyone else, but it had always been this way for him, and he had never thought it a problem until now. 

If Sora had been so certain that they had slept together last night, then… Had Axel thought about it, too? Considered it? Intended for it to happen? Roxas paled. He needed some sort of confirmation on this, before it drove him mad without purpose. He rushed back to the living room, where Sora had stayed behind. 

“Do you think Axel wants to fuck me, though?” 

Sora glanced up at him, completely ignoring the cooking show that he had put on the television on the meanwhile. “Yeah.” 

“You sure?”

“Yes.” Sora smirked, and then immediately dropped it. “Why do you look so horrified?”

His world collapsed. He wasn’t ready for it, he had never done it before, or even really thought about it, because the concept alone was terrifying to him. He never even thought that he’d be in such a position one day, where sex would be considered, let alone expected of him. It was truly worrying, that Axel should try to make a pass at him, and he’d completely flop it. He wanted to die. 

He ran a hand through his hair, trying to look cool in front of his brother, if only for a second. “Oh, no. I’m overjoyed.” He forced out a smile before turning and hauling ass back to their shared bedroom, where hopefully he could panic in privacy. 

What would he do? Surely, he couldn’t continue like this. He’d have to put in  _ some _ sort of effort to at least like the idea of sex. Maybe not every kind of sex, but if nothing else, then just sex with Axel. His face heated up at the mere mention of it. How embarrassing, to stand naked in front of him. To have Axel  _ look _ at him. Oh, God. He sat down on his bed, and pulled both knees up to his chest. He couldn’t do it, he’d never be able to do it. If Axel ever tried to feel him up, or pull him into a public bathroom stall, or even, in the most impossible of scenarios, take him to bed, Axel’s own bed, in his own private apartment, he was sure that he’d still have a heart attack. He’d freak the fuck out and run to the next state over. It’d be demolishing. He’d have to move states, find himself a new home, a new family to take him in, and start over, never to show face here ever again. 

He hugged his knees and breathed. 

Maybe he had been thinking too large, too focused on the bigger picture, when he should’ve been starting small instead. Very small, without bringing anyone else into it but himself. If he didn’t even enjoy touching himself, how would he ever like it if others did it for him? That wouldn’t do. Plus, if he didn’t enjoy hearing of it, and talking about it, then how would he ever be comfortable with it? He’d have to begin putting some effort into that, to change his perception of sex. To ease himself into it, and start a mental makeover. Or would that be an emotional makeover? Either way, he was going to grow the fuck up about it, starting right now. He got up from the bed, fueled by conviction and power of will, left the room and locked himself in the bathroom across the hallway. 

After stripping down to nothing, he stared at himself in the mirror. It was awkward, and surprisingly difficult to do, but he managed to get over himself. He didn’t know why he’d feel shy in front of  _ himself _ , by himself, otherwise completely alone. It didn’t make any sense, his body didn’t have anything that made him different from anybody else. He looked average, not too skinny, not too fat, not too tall, maybe a little short?, not muscular, but not wimpy either. He was honestly fine, and had to drill that into his tiny little brain, because if he wasn’t comfortable with himself, then he’d never find comfort in anybody else. He stared hard at his reflection, at his curves and his tummy, his thighs and his ass. He couldn’t say that he looked good, but he wasn’t abnormal, so that was a start. 

With clothes back on, Roxas left the bathroom, and reentered the living room, where Sora looked to be more focused on his Skittles than on the cooking show. He took a seat by his brother, and leaned back, attempting a casual look. Laid back and not too worried. Not absolutely dying inside. If he needed someone to talk sex to him, in order to get comfortable around it, and work himself into finding it an unimpressive topic, then Sora was the perfect candidate to help him.

“So, Sora…” 

His brother looked up at him. “Hm?”

“Did  _ you _ get laid last night?” 

“Hah, I wish. I met someone, but he disappeared halfway through the party.” 

“Really?”

“Yeah, what a shame. He was so pretty. I’m not surprised you didn’t notice, though; we were standing right next to you, but I guess you were too busy with your tongue down Axel’s throat.”

“Yeah, well… Um.” Maybe a different approach would do better. “When was your last time, can you remember?” 

“Yeah, duh. It was just last week.” 

“And how was it?” 

“It was good. I mean, we didn’t actually do it, I just sucked him off, but it counts, right?” 

“Sure, it counts.” He hadn’t considered that. Blowjobs were probably another example of starting small, even though the thought of gagging from one didn’t appease to him very much. 

“I don’t remember his name, but he was cute, and jerked me off later. Romantically, of course.” 

Roxas laughed. “Romantically, yeah.” 

“What about you? What holes haven’t you gotten filled yet?”

“Wow, I hate how you said that.” 

Sora grinned. “For real, though. Have you done anything that would still technically leave you a  virgin?” 

“Yeah. Yeah, sure.” He could feel the lie closing around his throat. 

“Yeah? So you got Axel off last night?” 

“No, but…” Sweat threatened to break on his hairline, but thankfully, a blessed save illuminated his mind just at the right time. “But, you know, maybe you could give me a tip or two on how to do it. I mean, you’ve been around some.” 

“Well, not that much, but yeah.” Sora looked to be considering this offer for a moment, before nodding his agreement. “Yeah, let’s see here… Uh, lesson number one. During oral, take your time to deep-throat. That’s a skill you acquire with practice, so don’t feel obligated to choke yourself to death. Um… During sex, don’t be afraid to tell him how you feel. Let him know when something feels good, and especially when it doesn’t. If it hurts, or you’re uncomfortable in anyway, remember that it’s okay to take it down a notch. If his dick is too big… All I can say is enjoy it, and good luck. Also, you don’t have to be into any of his kinks. Don’t do anything that you don’t wanna do. Be vanilla as fuck if you want to, and be proud of it. There’s no harm in that.” Sora paused to think, looking thoughtfully off to the side. 

Roxas was pretty surprised, given that he was expecting something far raunchier and a lot more unnecessary than this, but these were legitimately good tips. Sora was doing it from the heart, how touching. 

“Oh, super important. If you think that there’s even a small chance of getting laid, then don’t forget to enema before leaving. It’s crucial.” He nodded sharply. “I think that’s all I have for you.” 

And just like that, the moment was over. Roxas nodded back. “Okay, well… That’s a lot, but thank you.” 

“Sure. Also, remember that virginity is a social construct, and it literally doesn’t matter if your first time is in a club bathroom with your high school enemy, or on a million-dollar mattress with the love of your life, because at the end of the day, you cum, and that’s all that really matters.” 

“Thank you…” That was more alike what he had been expecting. He honestly shouldn’t be feeling this betrayed by it. “Do you remember how you felt? In your first time, I mean.” 

“How I felt? Like, if it hurt? Because it kinda did, but it always does a little. It doesn’t get easier.” 

“No, I mean, sure, but I also mean, you know, emotionally, and stuff.” 

“Emotionally?”

“Yeah.”

Sora knit his brows a bit, looking to be having trouble recalling the events of a few months ago. “Well, I felt horny. I felt good. I felt… Urgency? I don’t know. I’m not sure what you mean.” 

“You didn’t feel, like, anything for Seifer?” 

“I was glad he was pounding into me, that’s what I felt.” 

“Well… Okay.” Complete let down. “What about that whole falling in love thing, from the movies? Does none of that happen?” 

“That’s Hollywood bullshit, Roxas. I’m more in love with the Chipotle guy from last Thursday who wrapped my burrito perfectly than Seifer who fucked me before anybody else got the chance to.” 

“I see your point.” And it was disappointing. If sex was truly reduced to the pleasures of the flesh, then Roxas lost even more interest in it, if at all possible. If he absolutely had to do it, though, he would. It didn’t sound so scary when he considered what Sora had told him, about being comfortable and respecting one’s limits. Maybe liking the idea of it wasn’t unreachable, and he just had to work for that. 


	9. The Pool Party

R18.A26

During the following week, Roxas started to look at himself in the mirror for a bit longer. He began to spare a moment to glance at himself before a shower, and then glance some more after it. He tried to think of sex more, and watch porn when alone at home. It didn’t make him like porn more, or at all, but it showed him that standing around naked wasn’t such a bad thing. Having others look at someone’s body wasn’t shameful, and it shouldn’t be embarrassing, either; it should be alright, not a big deal. He was pretty sure that, given the chance, Axel would strip down without a single worry in the world. Sure, he always looked fine as Hell, but it wasn’t about that. It was about acceptance, and body positivity. He didn’t know why he had so much trouble with it, but he was glad to finally be addressing it to himself. Walking around the house shirtless slowly started to not feel so weird.

That weekend, neither he nor Sora had the energy to go out partying, and stayed home watching movies and gossiping about their friends and their Facebook posts instead. It was calm and nice and gave Roxas more time to work on himself before he saw Axel again.

He tried to move on from the passive staring of his own image in the mirror to actively engaging himself in front of it. No trouble, right? Who couldn’t jerk off in front of a mirror? Except that he found that to be far more difficult than it probably should’ve been. He couldn’t watch it, it was so embarrassing. His face was all red and he looked awkward. He didn’t even like to be doing it, but he had to get used to how his body looked, and how it felt, too. He had to get comfortable with himself. It was tough, really tough, but he managed to get past that stage and get it done before the next party. He hoped that, next time he did this, it wouldn’t be such a challenge.

It was a little worrying that he still didn’t feel ready to engage Axel in anything past the steamy make outs that they had been sharing at parties, but he wouldn’t let that faze him. He’d stand his ground on the meanwhile, should Axel ever try anything different. He’d be a vigilante with a steady hand, or at least that was what he told himself while in the bus to Golden Hour. Nothing had happened in the first two times, and nothing would be happening now, either, because he wouldn’t let it.

Admittedly, he was a little tense when they reached the club, and greeted everybody before going in, but once inside, and with alcohol warming up his bloodstream, he loosened up. He enjoyed himself. He danced with Axel and kissed him a whole lot without a single worry bothering his mind. He had a great time without touching Axel below the waist, even though he thought about it. For the first time, he openly thought about it, and realized that he wouldn’t be too terribly upset if he jerked Axel off against the bathroom wall tonight, or if Axel decided to strip down in front of him. He probably looked good, too, with firm abs and pectorals and… And biceps. Sure, biceps.

Roxas pushed himself against the redhead’s body as they danced, so he could try and get a preview of it, some sense of what awaited him in the future, and it was surprising. Surprising because he _enjoyed_ feeling Axel through his pants. Not with his hand, he could never be so bold, but just pressing his own body against Axel’s was enough. Maybe next time he could muster up the courage to slip a hand down, too, and feel the seasons change.

The following week, he tried to focus on how he’d feel in certain situations. He knew that seeing Axel naked, and touching him, wasn’t the problem, because he was a little more than just willing to do any of that, so he, himself, seemed to be the issue here. His infinite insecurity and self-consciousness. Why was he so scared of his own body? Axel looking at him naked was starting to not seem like something so dreadful anymore, if they did _just_ that, without doing anything else. Without touching each other. Axel getting him off, in any way, seeing him so vulnerable and exposed was what truly scared him. It was embarrassing to think about. He didn’t know how he could ever regain his composure after something like that.

To his luck, that upcoming weekend brought them a pool party, which was the perfect opportunity for him to get out of his little shell. Everybody would be shirtless, himself included, and he’d get the chance to feel normal like that, not overthinking his own form too much, but learning to accept it as it was. That was what he hoped would happen, anyway. If even a single person made fun of him, though, he knew that all of this arduous self-work would be sent out the window, but he really hoped that that wouldn’t be the case.

The pool belonged to two of the more serious-looking adults in the group of twelve, who lived together in a neighborhood close to Roxas’ old one, except that their house wasn’t quite as big. A couple of rooms in exchange for a pool, he supposed. It seemed like a fair trade.

Those guys weren’t the only ones who looked serious, though. At a first glance, most of Axel’s friends didn’t look very friendly or approachable at all, and after speaking with them, it was clear that their faces only reflected what they also offered on the inside, even though a few of them were actually pretty nice. Demyx, for one, was a lovely person, and as Roxas came to realize, so was the guy with the face scar. He quickly revealed himself to be the funny one, who had a knack for cracking everyone up without much effort, while Demyx was the sweet one, who was nice and kind to everybody. Zexion, despite looking to always be constipated, wasn’t so bad, either. He knew a whole lot about literature, was _very_ well-read, and when Roxas fleetingly commented on the book that he had brought to the party, an avalanche was unleashed. One that he didn’t mean to cause, and as a result, ended up getting swallowed by, because once Zexion learned that Roxas was majoring in English, something inside of the guy made his eyes burn.

It didn’t take much for Roxas to figure out that Zexion had a Master’s in English, and taught Literature at his University. He could be assigned to be Roxas’ teacher in any upcoming semester now, but Roxas fervently hoped that it wouldn’t come to that, because this guy… This guy. He was scary, and didn’t seem to like Roxas at all, ever since that encounter at Demyx’s party last year. In retrospect, he shouldn’t even have attended. Big mistake.

The rest of Axel’s friends didn’t hold much of Roxas’ interest, though. The hosts looked intimidating, and _were_ intimidating when spoken to, yet no one seemed intimidated by them, which stroke Roxas as a little strange, but he kept that to himself. Everyone here was in good shape, too, but two men were a little… Excessive about it. They could easily crush Roxas’ head in a hand, if they ever felt so inclined to. One of the twelve people in particular looked _really_ ugly, while Axel and another two were the best-looking ones, without mentioning the girl. The single only woman that frequently hung out with them. She was beautiful, in something of an intense way that scared Roxas, and had him avoiding her, as he did with most of everybody else. A blonde man with dozens of piercings all over his ears and a very tall, broad one with pink hair were pretty handsome, but to Roxas’ eyes, Axel still outshined them all.

The first half of the party was nice. It started in the middle of the afternoon, and stretched out long into the night. Everybody arrived there around the same time, just as the hosts were serving snacks and some cocktails that looked very pretty in a tall glass, with lemon slices and everything. The very first ones had been thought out, and had some effort put into, so the sober guests could appreciate them, but as the afternoon slowly turned into night, and the crowd only grew drunker, the cocktails soon became plastic cups filled with cheap beer. Not that Roxas was complaining, though. Anything to keep the buzz going.

The first thing that everyone did upon arrival was to take off their shirts, kick off their shoes, and jump into the pool, so when Roxas slipped his own shirt off, he didn’t feel very self-conscious at all. Mixed in the pool with a bunch of drunk people, he felt like one of them. Like he truly belonged, and it was nice. They bounced a big beach ball around, floated about, tanned on the beach chairs, and most of all, gossiped over spilled alcohol. Roxas felt as if he were in an exclusive episode of Desperate Housewives with how much tea he had been accidentally given, and nobody seemed to care when he happened to join a whispered conversation or two, so he came and went, leisurely listening, and inevitably, learning.

Everything that he accidentally overheard could be summed up in eleven topics, such as: Xemnas couldn’t get it up. Xigbar was found last Wednesday passed out drunk well before noon. Xaldin was doing steroids. Vexen’s project of one year flopped and he had been severely demoted. Lexaeus had lice, but not on his head. Zexion went out with a _much_ older woman last weekend. Saix had started taking pole-dancing classes. Axel was sleeping with his boss’ son for a promotion. Demyx was probably depressed. Luxord lost everything that he had gambling last week. Marluxia and Larxene had been secretly dating for two years.

Roxas didn’t know half of the people mentioned above, and yet he knew a little something of their lives.

He was sipping on a pink martini while meandering about the pool on a big floater when he heard about Zexion. That caught his attention first, because he had never actually been explained what went on between the guy and Demyx, so he zipped the floater over to Axel, who looked to be half-drunk already, chilling with an elbow out on the edge of the pool, for some answers. The redhead looked _fine_ without a shirt on, by the way. All inked up and buff with his big, strong arms and broad shoulders. It was a sweet sight to see, and even halfway through the party, Roxas still couldn’t get his eyes off of him.

“I just overheard something.” He spoke in a small voice, trying not to get into anyone’s earshot by accident.

Behind the Ray-Bans, Axel glanced down at him. “And what’s that?”

“Zexion’s dating an older woman.”

Axel frowned. “That’s not true. He’s not dating anybody.”

“Not even Demyx?”

“Not even Demyx. It’s a delicate situation.”

“To be fair, they didn’t actually say dating. They just said he went out with someone older the other day.”

“Oh. Then, yeah, that’s probably right.”

“They also said you’re nailing your boss’ kid?” Roxas tilted his head aside, receiving a raised brow from Axel.

“Well… We both know that’s a lie.”

“I don’t know a single thing.” He shrugged, sipping leisurely on his cocktail. He couldn’t see it, but he knew that Axel was slitting his emerald eyes at him from behind the shades.

“Don’t you, now.”

“They said you’re only nailing this kid to get a promotion at work.” He spoke around the straw.

“I don’t think they know how my life works.”

“And how does your life work?”

“It works as a series of bad decisions that could actually be the end of my career at literally any moment in time.”

Roxas changed the subject back to a few seconds ago, just to make sure that the two of them were on the same page. “They were talking about me, right? I’m the kid?”

“Yes, unless Aurora has another couple of underage twins that I don’t know about.”

“I’m not underage. I’m eighteen.”

“You said this exact thing to me two years ago, Roxas. I literally have no idea how old you are anymore.”

“Well, I was lying before.”

“Why wouldn’t you be lying now?”

“Because I don’t have to.”

Axel watched him in silence for a second, which he knew signified suspicion, so he leaned closer to break the concealed stare with a kiss. A chaste one, just long enough for him to feel the softness of Axel’s lips on his own before parting from them. He barely put in two inches between them before Axel brought him back for another one, though, harder-hitting this time. Axel had a hand on the back of his neck, holding him close, but it didn’t stop him from pulling back with a grin. “How drunk are you?”

A shrug. “Could be drunker.”

“Guys!” Demyx cut in from across the pool, splashing around something awful in order to get to them. They both naturally leaned away from each other, and watched as Demyx came over like a desperate slob. “Did you hear that… That…” He could barely bring himself to finish the sentence, but his hand pointed an accusatory finger at the cryptid turning pages in the shade, which gave them both a pretty good idea of what he meant.

Roxas decided to finish the thought for him. “Zexion’s sleeping with someone older?”

Demyx breathed out, looking devastated. His shoulders hunched and his brows creased. “Yes.”

“I thought you weren’t together.” Roxas frowned, passing a glance over to the redhead. Axel simply pretended not to notice.

“Well, not officially, but… You know, we’ve been an on-and-off thing for a while, and… I don’t know, I thought we were finally starting to be exclusive, but, fuck it. I guess the _fuck_ not.” Demyx started off speaking in his regular tone, which crescendoed pretty quickly, and by the time of the last sentence, he was shouting it directly at Zexion, not fifteen feet away from them. Zexion glanced up with a scowl, not enjoying the look in Demyx’s face, or how puffed out his chest was, as if imploring for a fight. Roxas quietly scooted closer to Axel, and was welcomed under the weight of his arm.

“Are you talking to me?” Zexion said from across the lawn. The other people at the party kind of glanced disinterestedly at the two of them, but only for a second, and soon went back to their own business, making this whole scene seem to be a lot more common than Roxas thought it was.

“I’m talking _about_ you.” Demyx shouted back.

“What about me?”

“About you sleeping with somebody _else?_ Somebody _older?_ What the fuck, Zexion? I thought we had agreed to not be seeing other people anymore.”

“We never agreed on that.”

“Who is she?”

“What?”

“The woman. Who is she?”

“I don’t think that knowledge would change anything.”

“Is she better than me? Does she have a _real_ job? Does she _know_ things, book things? Literature? Because I can learn that. I can read. I’ll get some books from the library and I’ll learn things. I can be better than her. I can steal her _real_ _job._ ”

“I don’t think you can. She has a PhD in Theoretical Chemistry.”

“Really?” Axel suddenly cut in with a raised brow, looking interested. “What’s her name?”

“Aurora Lacus, you probably know her. She works in your building.”

“What?” Both Axel and the twins spoke in unison, and utter surprise. Earth-shattering surprise.

“ _You_ ’re the guy that she went out with last week?” Sora jumped in, absolutely shocked. He had been helping himself to yet another drink when the news reached him, making him drop the plastic cup on the floor and splash beer all over himself. The shock was such, though, that he didn’t seem to have noticed the mess.

“You knew about this?” Axel asked Sora, turning to look at him, while lifting the shades to show his scowl.

“I didn’t know it was _him_!”

“Zexion, you can’t be sleeping with their mother!” Demyx shouted from the pool, with an arm out to indicate the three victims of this information. “That’s immoral!”

“Immoral? _He_ ’s the one sleeping with her kid!” Zexion screamed from the beach chair, pointing fingers.

“Watch yourself, man.” Axel warned.

“Um, we’re not actually sleeping together.” Roxas clarified in a small voice.

“I can’t believe you’re fucking my _mom_ .” Sora whined, bringing a hand up to his forehead. He looked devastated, just as Roxas felt inside. “I can’t believe you did that _knowing_ she’s my _mom_.”

“I didn’t know. I’m learning this terrible thing now.”

“You lying, cheating piece of shit.” Demyx stormed through the pool, cutting across it toward Zexion. “I’m gonna _kill_ you!” He shouted, but Axel quickly left Roxas’ side to hold him back.

Zexion slammed his book closed, and shot up from his seat across the lawn. “You know what, Demyx? I’m sick and tired of you always playing the victim, when _you_ were the one who broke our agreement first. We hadn’t even finished talking about the possibility of being exclusive the other night, and you were already throwing yourself into some random man’s arms. I’m sick of it, and this isn’t the first time, either. You always fuck up first, and then come crying to me later, begging for me to take you back. I’m so fucking tired of you. And Axel, what are you so livid about? You’re acting like she’s your mother, too, and not the coworker that she actually is. This kid.” He motioned to Sora. “Whatever your name is--”

“It’s Sora.” A small crowd mumbled, only partially interested.

“Sora.” Zexion continued. “Why are you so horrified? Your mother is a sexual woman. Just because she birthed two children doesn’t mean she’s in celibacy now.” Sora made a gagging noise at that, but Zexion chose to ignore it, and turned to address Roxas next. “Roxas, I hope you know exactly what you’re doing with Axel, because, sure, both you and your mother date men behind each other’s backs, but at least she’s faced with someone sane and rational, so keep that in mind. She knows exactly what she’s dealing with. Do you?” Zexion emphasized his point with a bounce of the brow, before bidding them all a silent goodbye and turning to leave.

Demyx shouted at him during the whole duration of his exit, and then a bit more after he couldn’t even be seen anymore, hidden behind the side of the house, which led out to the sidewalk. Axel said a few calming words to him, still grabbing onto his arms to keep him from following Zexion, until he broke down into tears, and the constraint ended up turning into a messy hug. He patted Demyx’s back while passing an unimpressive glance at Roxas, clearly confirming that this wasn’t a rare sight at all.

It was a sad thing to watch.


	10. A hard-working mind and a new friend

R18.A26

The rest of the pool party was spent overthinking. Roxas idly sipped on beer while floating on the water, anywhere the big blue floater would take him, and unfortunately had Zexion’s voice echoing around his skull, making him doubt everything that he knew about Axel. He thought that he knew him pretty well, given that they had known each other for six years, but then again, he didn’t know if Zexion knew the redhead for longer than that. Maybe better than he did. Zexion had called Axel insane and irrational, but Roxas wasn’t so sure that he actually had a point, and was instead just aiming a jab at them. Of course Axel wasn’t a role model, or even a good influence, but he had never given Roxas any reason to doubt his good intentions. If Roxas had something to doubt, then it should probably be Zexion’s own words.

As nighttime rolled in, and everybody got out of the pool to leave, he approached Axel. He knew that what Zexion had said probably hadn’t been based on any real evidence, but he couldn’t help overthink it, and let it worrying him, either way, so maybe hearing some sort of confirmation from the redhead would make him feel better.

“Hey, Axel. You know that thing Zexion said? Right before he left.”

“About me overreacting?”

“Um…”

“He doesn’t know a single thing about us, you know. Your mother and I, I mean. He doesn’t know how close we are to each other. He thinks she’s just my co-worker, but she’s far more than that. Remember when she took me to the hospital a few years back? She saved my life that day, man, and it wasn’t the only time, either. What kind of co-worker would do that?” Axel shook his head, clicking his tongue. This wasn’t the topic that Roxas wanted to discuss with him about, but then again, he _was_ interested to know of that fateful night, so instead of correcting the redhead, he let him continue. “She’s helped me through some really heavy stuff related to my family, and some tough breakups, too. Your mom, Roxas, she…” Axel shrugged. “I don’t even know how to put it into words, but she’s really special. She means a lot to me.”

“You know, what he said, about me acting as if she’s my mother, too? Well, that’s not very far from the truth. She’s singlehandedly done more for me than both of my parents ever have, so, yeah, of course I look up to her. Of course I go to her for advice, and care for her, and wish her well.” Axel talked while loosely throwing an arm around Roxas’ shoulders, and walking him out to the sidewalk after their friends. “I’m very lucky to have met her when I did. I don’t know what would’ve been of me without her.” He paused pensively, then knit his brows. “I should tell her about him. She deserves to know.”

“Huh? What do you mean?”

“Zexion’s a low-life, Roxas. He snorts coke, sleeps around, and parties every weekend. She needs to know that.”

“Don’t you think she already does? I mean, it’s kind of hard for someone to hide who they are like that.”

“No, she doesn’t know. If she did, they wouldn’t have gone out _once_ together. You know, when you’re at work, where people only see you at your best, it’s easy to pretend you’re someone else. Someone successful. She knows the academic Zexion, not the real deal.”

“But he said that she knew exactly what she was dealing with…”

“He’s a liar. She would never date the real him.”

“How can you know that?”

“Look, he’s a _lot_ like me, and I’m the embodiment of everything that she doesn’t want in her life. I’m the perfect example of what she watches out for, which is why she’d never let us be friends in the first place. If she ever knows that you, Sora and I go out dancing every now and then, she’d probably shoot me in the forehead.”

“Don’t say that. She cares for you.”

“Not anywhere near you, she doesn’t.”

\--

Roxas stared at the ceiling, as everything that happened earlier today looped before his eyes, and echoed around his head, keeping him from falling asleep. Speaking with Axel hadn’t solved his doubts, but instead, had only given him more to overthink, and overjudge, and overanalyze. Was his mother really that wary of Axel, like he said that she was? It seemed a little exaggerated, but then he remembered that night at the hospital, many years ago, when she made the twins promise to never be like him. That had scared Roxas back then, but now, it just cut deep instead. It was upsetting, because Axel loved her so much, and yet she only saw him as the low-life that he had described Zexion to be. A bad influence on her perfect, sheltered children and in her perfect, sheltered life. It made him angry, but at the same time, it had him worried. Worried because, if she was so wary of Axel, then there probably was a bigger reason for her to act that way, so very defensively. Maybe it was the same thing that Zexion had tried to warn him about. Something dangerous that roamed inside of Axel.

Roxas turned to lay on his side, facing Sora’s half of the bedroom. His brain was too scrambled and confused to create any coherent thoughts, and if he didn’t get this sorted out right now, he’d spend tonight without a blink of sleep.

“Sora? ...Are you awake?” He whispered.

Sora ruffled around in his covers, and flipped over to look at him. “Hm…?” He didn’t have his eyes open yet, still half-unconscious, so Roxas gave him a moment to fully wake up, rub at his eyes and all.

When Sora’s blues finally shone under the moonlight, he decided to explain himself. “I can’t sleep. I’m thinking too much… Again.”

“About what?” Sora’s voice was raspy with sleep.

“Axel. What Zexion said about him. What do you think he meant?”

“I don’t even remember what he said…”

“He told me to watch out or something. Said that Axel’s crazy, and I don’t know what I’m dealing with. Do you think any of that is true?”

Sora took a second to think. “I don’t know… Maybe he didn’t mean it like that, I mean, he was lashing out at everyone. He was angry.”

“But if he had a reason, you know, to say it like that, don’t you think it means something?”

“Well, I’m pretty sure I know what you’re dealing with, and it’s a hot chunk of a man who really knows how to party.”

“Do you think Axel’s dangerous?”

“What?” Sora frowned. “Where did that come from?”

“I don’t know. Mom’s scared of him, Zexion told me to be scared of him. Maybe there’s a reason why. Maybe I _should_ be scared.”

Sora paused. “Mom’s scared of him?”

“Yeah, don’t you remember when she took him to the hospital, and told us to not be like him?”

“That doesn’t mean she’s scared of him.”

“Well, he told me that she doesn’t like him, and I know that’s true, because she never speaks of him anymore.”

“So what? That doesn’t mean he’s some monster to be feared, it just means they don’t get along.” Sora sighed. “Look, Roxas, I think you’re trying to find a problem where there isn’t one. You’re self-sabotaging again. Axel’s a good person, and we both know that. He helped me with Seifer, he’s super smart, and he can dance like nobody else. What’s to be afraid of?”

\--

That week, Roxas looked at his mother differently. He didn’t just see her as the woman who had given him and his brother birth and had cared for them all of his life, but he tried to see her as Axel did, as a benevolent person who had met a lost kid, so long ago, with a brilliant genius and a wrecked life, and helped him overcome his demons. Helped him find his will to keep on going. She had saved Axel from demise time and time again, and made a loyal friend, yet it seemed that he hadn’t turned out the way that she had wanted him to. At some point along the way, he had disappointed her, and the worst part was that he knew it, too.

Roxas watched his mother cook them dinner and wondered if Axel had told her the truth about Zexion yet. He wondered what went through her mind, what she thought about it, if she even knew it. Did she really like Zexion? Did she know him like he said that she did? Roxas watched her take the chicken out of the oven and place it on the counter, oblivious to his soliloquy. Did she care for Axel as much as he thought that she did? In the end of the day, whatever she helped him get through, whatever they talked about, whatever she had said that shined a bit of hope to him, she left behind in the campus, and came home to care for her legitimate children. She had brought Axel home once, but it was clear that she had realized her mistake, and had never repeated it. What made her suddenly stop talking about him? Roxas could only guess. She knew about the drugs and the drinking very early on, so it must’ve been something else. To her standards, something worse. Something unspeakable.

He didn’t know Axel enough to know what that was.

That weekend, they decided to meet at a bar for dinner, before hitting up a closeby club. Neither of the twins would ever miss it, and this time, Namine managed to make it, too. Axel, Demyx and face scar went, as well, closing up a booth for the six of them. The adults were waiting for the three undergraduates outside, and upon arrival, Roxas finally learned that face scar’s name was Xigbar. If the dude had learned his name on the meanwhile, he wouldn’t know.

He hugged Axel for a greeting, but didn’t let him follow everyone else inside yet. He held the redhead back, turning the hug into a sweet grapple, and making Axel glance down at him inquisitively as they were left quite by themselves out on the sidewalk.

“Did you tell her?” He whispered.

Axel raised a brow. “What?”

“My mom. Did you tell her about Zexion?”

“Oh. No, we arranged something else.”

“Who’s we?”

Axel dropped an arm across Roxas’ shoulders, and started after everyone, pulling him inside the building. “I’ll tell you later.”

The dinner turned out to be a highly entertaining one. As previously noticed, Xigbar was a funny dude, and with Demyx adding to his jokes, there wasn’t a single person at that table whose face wasn’t hurting from how much fun they were having. It was criminal. They joked about everything, and hit everybody with a good time as they ate, even if not everything had a funny punchline. They also talked about their week, how that had gone, and what their friends had been up to, as far as they could tell. They kept it light, too. Nothing too upsetting was brought up, like Zexion’s loss of control last weekend, or how Demyx felt about it. The topics were conversational, since this wasn’t a therapy group, so no one tried to make it about themselves too much. They were respectful enough to steer clear from that.

As they left for the club, maybe a beer or two into blurring the lines between tipsy and drunk, Roxas took Axel’s hand and pulled him back from the group, allowing the two of them to fall behind a little bit. Axel didn’t mind that, he only passed Roxas a knowing glance and easily fell into step with him.

“What’s on your mind?” Axel asked without raising his voice into everyone else’s earshot.

“You.”

Axel smirked.

“No, not like that. I’m wondering… Should I be worried about something?”

Axel’s smirk faded as he lifted a pierced brow. “Like what?”

“I don’t know. Zexion just said that I should be.”

“You know better than to trust him.”

“Yeah, I know, but I can’t get his voice out of my head. It’s really starting to be a problem.”

Axel was quiet for a second, looking off at the street. He was trying to hold a smirk back, but failed to do so. “I’ll give you something else to think about, then.” He glanced down at Roxas, and the promise in his eyes made the blonde’s heart get caught up in his throat.

He had never felt himself blush so bad, or dread something as much as he also looked forward to it. Roxas was in no way, shape or form ready to lose his virginity yet, but he couldn’t help how tempting it was starting to sound to him. If that was even what Axel meant at all. He could totally be going off on the wrong tangent, but it really didn’t feel that way once they were actually in the club.

The neon lights danced above them, coloring their skin, only in passing, as they buried themselves into the moving crowd. All six of them stuck together for the most part, one or another leaving here and there to tend to their own affairs, but coming back not long after, to form an unspoken collective. Roxas had never seen that happen before, not with any of his friends, or any of Axel’s friends, so he supposed that this was what real friendship looked like. It really said something about everyone else who wasn’t Axel or Demyx. This time, he kept tabs on Sora, just because he had felt bad for getting called out last week, even if the tabs were very loosely held, and only happened in between breaks from Axel’s mouth. Still, he noticed when Sora was around and when he wasn’t, if he had a cup in his hand or a man in his arms, which was probably enough to make a point, should he need to.

Whatever happened between him and Axel that night didn’t get out of hand, or out of the small selection of things that they had done before. They kissed and danced together, ran hands on each other, and had their bodies very, very close to one another, mixing up their colognes, but none of it was out of the ordinary at this point. Axel kissed his neck, which he had done before, so Roxas wasn’t surprised at the touch of his lips or the feel of his tongue; what truly surprised him were the teeth. They didn’t hurt at all, and what actually got his attention was how nice they felt on his skin. Pulling, and tugging, and sinking just a tad bit. He liked that a lot, and how close their chests were pressed together, and how his entire body was warm from Axel’s presence. His touch, his mouth, his tongue on Roxas’ neck. It felt good, and had Roxas pressing closer to him, with both arms locked around his waist, enjoying the warmth in his own chest, and in his face, that spread all over his body.

He only pulled away when he realized that the warmth was scalding, and he was liking this a bit too much. It was embarrassing, but he destroyed any chance of Axel noticing that by pulling him away from his neck to meet with his mouth instead, into a surprisingly delicious kiss. Wet and deep and wanting and… He just couldn’t describe it, but it made him melt into Axel’s arms, and consider, for a split second, pulling him into the bathroom. He would never actually do it, but the thought was _very_ welcoming.

Well into the night, about the time that they would all be leaving, Axel decided to go outside to smoke, so Roxas took his arm and tagged along. They pushed through the crowd, over to the front doors, and left together, where some individual people were waiting around, smoking, on their phones, hugging themselves from the cold out on the sidewalk, etc. Axel walked quite a few paces away from the door and leaned on the walls of the club, to light himself a cigarette. Roxas rested the side of his face on Axel’s collar bone, and loosely hugged his waist on the meanwhile, not really in the mood for a smoke himself. He usually only did that when he felt nervous, or anxious, or simply jittery in any way. Tonight wasn’t the case.

“Do you miss your friends?” Axel asked him casually, wrapping an arm across his back.

“Kind of. Sometimes.” He paused. “We used to be close, but we just… Grew apart. I think we all knew, deep down, that we were temporary.”

“I guess you did.”

“I would’ve missed Namine the most. I’m really glad that she didn’t leave and I get to see her, like, everyday at lunch. At the campus.” He listened to Axel hum his acknowledgement, then continued. “I had a crush on her once, in freshman year. Did you know that?”

Axel laughed. “That’s adorable.”

“Yeah. I wrote her a poem and everything. She broke my heart real sweet.”

“How did that go?”

“She came out to me, which she didn’t have to do. I thought that was brave of her. Not right then, but later, when I thought about it. She thought I liked men.”

“I always thought that, too.”

For some reason, his heart skipped a beat at that. He wasn’t sure what it meant. “How come?”

“Remember when I slept over at your house, fucking… Six years ago? The TV was on, and you looked at me and you said, hey, come sit right next to me, some cooking show is on, and I just knew it. The way you said it was spot on.”

“I barely remember that, to be honest.”

“You were really young, like, twelve or something. We sat in your living room and you and Sora pretty much interviewed me for half an hour straight. It was crazy.”

“I remember that part, and that you smelled really good, and that you almost died one year later.”

“What?”

“When we dropped you off at the hospital, yeah? You were talking about it just last week.”

“Oh, that. I didn’t almost die; I was only admitted for two days.”

“What happened?”

“The cocaine was mixed.”

He remembered the track marks that he had seen on Axel’s arm, along with his tattoos, and not knowing what they were at the time, he had never put two and two together, even though, in recent years, he had started to suspect it. Especially as he started to get to know Axel better. “That must’ve been scary.”

“It was, but you know what was scarier than that? And I’m talking legit scary.”

“No, what?”

“When the police pulled me over one time, because one of the rear lights weren’t working.”

He frowned. “Why was that scary?”

“Because I don’t have a car. Demyx had hot-wired it, but he didn’t have a license, so I drove it.”

“Why did you steal a car?”

“For money.”

“And they didn’t arrest you?”

“No, I just got a warning, but after that, I never touched another car in my life.”

“Is there, like, you know… Anything weird that you haven’t done yet?”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know, it just feels like you’ve done a lot of dumb, crazy shit, you know?”

“That’s because I have.”

“What made you stop?”

Axel paused, looking thoughtful. He took one last drag of the cigarette before tossing it out on the street. “A collection of close calls and your mother.”

\--

Glancing at himself in the mirror the next morning, Roxas could scream. The hickeys that Axel had given him were anything but subtle, and had him actually considering to wear a scarf, when it was still too warm, and too early, into fall for it. Luckily, his mother was busy that weekend, and spent most of it out on the street, on business or whatever, so he only had to worry about dodging her during dinner. She didn’t give any indication of noticing discrepancies on his neck, not when his collar was disgustingly popped out high as it was, which was good, but didn’t mean that his brother was the same case. In truth, the hickeys were the only thing that Sora could talk about all weekend. It was embarrassing, but Roxas didn’t let it get to him too much.

He wore a stupid scarf that Monday, and ironically enough, it was the reason why he managed to make a friend in class. Maybe not the sole reason, but part of it. The teacher assigned the students into pairs, and gave them each a topic to research for the next day, so Roxas and his new friend decided to get it done during recess, rather than worrying about it at home later. Her name was Xion, and she was fucking adorable. Her hair was jet black, styled into a cute pixie cut, her sense of fashion and the clothes that she wore were what Roxas would probably be into if he had been born a girl with good fashion, and her eyes were as blue and round as Sora’s. She was nice, and observant, and when Roxas insisted with himself that he’d rather sweat it out than take the scarf off, she asked him if he had hickies on his neck.

The question felt as if a rug had been swiped from under his feet.

“How do you know?” He sounded perplexed, and honestly a bit scared at this witchcraft, making her laugh.

“It’s not really a scarf kind of weather today, is it? Do you want me to cover them up for you?” Xion shuffled around in her purse, then took out a tube of concealer, and held it up to him. “It’ll look like you never had them in the first place. Trust me, it works like a charm.”

Roxas hesitated, but took off the scarf anyway, and let her work her magic. In retrospect, he didn’t know why he hadn’t thought about stealing some of his mother’s concealer in the first place. It would’ve made his life much easier.

“Wow, they worked you good, huh?” Xion snickered, making Roxas’ face heat up. He kept his eyes off to the side, and turned his head to allow her to give it her best.

“Please, don’t… Just make it disappear.”

“Why? Don’t you like them?”

“I do, he’s great, but this is embarrassing.”

She snickered some more. “Pay him back in kind next time.”

“Yeah, I should.”

The two of them grew pretty close that week. They had a multitude of classes together, and managed to sit next to each other in most of them. They paired up together for projects, compared their homework in between periods, and talked about themselves in the hallways, getting to know one another better.

Roxas found out that Xion wasn’t from here, her family was actually from another town, a few hours away, and had rented a dorm for her here, that she shared with another four girls. She said that she missed her parents sometimes, but didn’t mind being away from them during the week. This distance gave her an opportunity to grow, and work on herself, into becoming a real adult, not to mention that the other four girls were walking distractions from the woes at home. She had chosen English because she wanted to be a writer, and was also taking an extracurricular on social studies just because she was interested in it, and would’ve been her second choice, in case that she hadn’t been accepted. As it turned out, there was a girl in her class who was, apparently, the most beautiful thing that she had ever seen, and had her hooked from day one. It was adorable to see her so enamoured, talking about this girl with shining eyes. It put a smile on Roxas’ face.

They didn’t spend many recesses together, because, as it turned out, Xion was closer to the social studies girl than she had led him to believe, and ended up spending lunch with her, and a few of her friends, instead. Roxas didn’t mind that, he saw it as an opportunity for romance to spark between the two girls, and interlace their destiny. It wasn’t as if he’d be spending lunch alone, anyway. He had both Namine and his brother to make him company, and tell him of their own social advances. Namine, apparently, had made a friend here and there, but no one too impactful yet, while Sora fell behind without a single acquaintance that he actually liked. Roxas accused him to be thinking with his crotch too much, but Sora reassured him that he only did that in the dark of a nightclub, while in class, he was as platonic as a gay man surrounded by straights could be. It sounded like a sad thing to be a part of.


	11. Drunk Uno

R18.A26

Laying in bed that week, Roxas thought about Axel. About last weekend. The hickeys, Axel’s tongue on his skin, Axel’s hands on his body, their closeness. He touched his neck where Axel had bitten into his flesh before, and let his mind wander, to Axel’s mouth, to Axel’s touch. Axel’s body. He closed his eyes, and imagined the redhead walking into his room, over to his bed, where he lay on his back. He imagined Axel kneeling on his bed, straddling the mattress, the very spot between his legs. His knees rested on each side of Axel’s hips, and the underside of his thighs touched the front of Axel’s, so firm, pushing his legs up. Axel’s hands ran down from his knees, to his hips, warming up his skin over his pajama pants. Maybe Axel wasn’t wearing a shirt. Maybe he wasn’t wearing anything at all. 

No, wait, maybe he was. Maybe he was in boxers or something. Yeah.

Axel touched his thighs, his hips, and slipped a hand under his shirt, running a palm over his flat stomach. He remembered how it felt to have Axel’s hands on his body, on the small of his back, and on his sides, right on his skin, with nothing in between. Axel was always so warm, somehow. He radiated it when they danced, and burned when they kissed, singeing Roxas’ lips with his touch long after they parted. It was addictive, and Roxas kind of loved it. He wondered how it would feel to have Axel’s lips on the inside of his thighs, his teeth sinking into the skin, leaving a purple trail behind, gradually closing in on his crotch. The thought made his cheeks heat up, but he didn’t let it stop him. He shamefully imagined Axel reaching his cock, running his tongue up the shaft, and closing his lips around the head. 

That was when he got out of bed and ran to the bathroom. 

It was the most degrading, most embarrassing jerk off of his life, but, for the first time ever, he  _ enjoyed _ it. He felt his skin drip with sin, but he couldn’t stop thinking of Axel sucking him off, right there on the tiles of the bathroom floor, with lips tight around his cock, and the warmth of his mouth surrounding it. It was overwhelming, it was so much, and he fucking loved it. He gasped and whimpered and tugged, so fast, so firmly, that there was no time to catch a breath before he came all over his own hand. 

Inexpiable shame burned through his face as he cleaned up the tiles before going back to bed. 

\--

That weekend, everyone decided to play drunk Uno at Axel and Demyx’s apartment. The twins, Xigbar, and a few other people from the pool party showed up, completing a total of eight players, so they all sat down in a big circle on the floor, put two Uno decks together, and dozens of beer cans all around to start the game. The rules were simple, anyone was free to drink whenever they wanted, but were obligated to do it every time they were to draw from the pile. It sounded friendly, but once the game actually began, friendship wasn’t dealt on the table, and every time a Draw 4 card was played, it was possible to hear years of fraternity breaking over beer cans. 

Not for real, though. They started off very competitively, but as the circle got drunker and the game became funnier, that rivalry was soon replaced by a bunch of laughing idiots who didn't know what they were doing. It was the most hilarious thing that Roxas had ever seen. 

“Uno!” Demyx shouted at one point, throwing a green seven above a red seven. He still held about four other cards in his hand, so everyone in the circle gave him a funny look. 

“No… No.” Axel shook his head. “That’s not how you play this game, man.” 

“You only say that when you have one card left.” Sora explained. 

“Yeah, I know! I know! I’m not fucking dumb, guys. I know, but I’m practicing, so when it’s Uno time, I won’t forget to say it.” Demyx flapped his remaining cards in order to make his point, then helped himself to some beer. He was clearly the more altered of them all. 

“I think doing that wrong… Doesn’t it, uh. Doesn’t it come with a penalty or something?” Xigbar jumped in, looking genuinely confused. 

“What? No way. You’re making that up.” Demyx defended himself. 

“No, I think he’s right. I think… Wait.” Axel fumbled around the dozens of empty beer cans strewn about him, looking for the instruction manual. It seemed to be an impossible task, so on the meanwhile, he added. “I think you draw.” 

“Fuck off, that’s not true.” Demyx retaliated. 

“Axel’s right, you draw two cards.” Roxas assisted. 

“No, that’s not a real thing! You’re cheating!”

“Uno.” One of the more serious-looking men interrupted, actually holding a single card in his hand. The game had continued on during the argument, of course, even if Demyx refused to pay the penalty. 

“See? That’s how you do it.” The other serious man commented. He played his card afterwards, with a smirk directed at Demyx. 

“Draw two, man.” Xigbar cut in before Demyx went unpunished for too long. 

“No, that’s a bullshit law. It’s not even real and I’m not falling for it.” 

“Look.” Axel reached his phone for Demyx to read off of the screen. “Roxas is right. If you shout it wrong, you draw two. So fucking. Draw. Two.” 

“No, wait a minute.” The blonde frowned, scrutinizing Axel’s phone screen with slitted eyes. He spent a second too long trying to stall his way out of it, so the redhead put the phone away in the middle of his pretending. 

“Draw it!” Sora shouted while Xigbar cordially drew two cards for Demyx and tossed them face-down in front of him. 

Demyx groaned, picking up his beer for a double swig. “This is a Goddamn mafia. I can’t believe it.” 

“If you weren’t such a dumbass, you wouldn’t be digging your own grave here.” One of the bigger guys commented in passing, not even looking up from his cards to acknowledge the daggers shooting out of Demyx’s eyes over the rim of his solo cup. 

“Whatever.” Demyx finished his drink and threw the empty cup in the center of the circle. “I’m tired of this game, anyway. I’m too drunk to hit any of you in the face, and this apartment is too fucking hot. I’m sweating, dudes. Sweating.” He dropped his cards on the floor and removed his shirt, tossing it carelessly aside before getting up to open a window. 

“Got the vapors?” Xigbar smirked, but the blonde only shot him a look over his shoulder, otherwise ignoring him completely. 

“Let’s get outta here, let’s go somewhere. Let’s go swimming. Saix, can we go swimming? Xemnas? Please?” Demyx begged, putting his hands together for emphasis. 

The serious-looking couple shared a serious glance between them, without a single spoken word, which seemed to be enough for an intellectual agreement to be reached, and had the two shrugging back at each other. They looked up at Demyx together, but only one of them answered. “Sure. Knock yourself out.” 

\--

Demyx’s idea surged out of the blue, hadn’t gone through a single filter before coming out of his mouth, and was executed as messily as it deserved to be. The eight of them made a ruckus in the backyard, speaking loudly and laughing like a group of terribly drunk people, while simultaneously trying to shush each other into not making any noise, to spare the neighborhood of calling the cops on them. None of them had brought bathing suits, clearly, and just jumped into the water as they deemed fit. A few cannon balled straight into the pool wearing all of their clothes, while most of everybody else stripped down to their boxers for it. Roxas was one of them, and as he dropped his clothes to the floor, none of that shameful feeling, or any embarrassment, reached him. He felt himself wrapped in a bubble, too numbed by alcohol to look at himself from a third person perspective. All he could see were idiots jumping into someone’s pool at three in the morning, and finding that to be hilarious. 

The water was surprisingly warm for the beginning of fall. Either that, or he was drunker than he originally thought, but not that it mattered very much. He swam over to Axel and grabbed onto his shoulders, locking the two of them together as they cut through the dancing water. Axel was grinning, and he looked absolutely gorgeous under the moonlight. He held all of Roxas’ attention, despite how much of a crazy mess of a water fight everyone else painted the background with. Their shouting and constant laughter became environmental sounds when Axel leaned over to kiss him. 

It felt nice to have Axel’s hands on his body, and their mouths pressed firmly together, as the waves from the water fight moved them around, knocking them closer to each other. His hands held onto Axel’s shoulders, and his legs, perhaps instinctively, raised up to the redhead’s sides, with knees softly digging into Axel’s waist, to serve as a sort of anchor. Their mouths kissed and licked and sucked, their tongues doing a good job of frequently meeting, and lapping at their lips and palates, turning their affection into a delicious mess. Axel’s hands found Roxas’ thighs, and softly ran along them, warming up his skin to the edge of his boxers. That felt nice, but what felt even better was when he firmly grabbed Roxas’ thighs to pull him closer, until his crotch met with Axel’s navel, and not an inch separated their chests. It was awfully dreamy to be this close to the redhead, all the while kissing him breathless, so Roxas thought nothing of it as they floated about the pool, emotionally existing within themselves. 

It was only when Axel moved from Roxas’ mouth to his jaw, then down to his neck, that he realized this was no good. But not right away, though. First, he reveled in the softness of Axel’s lips against his jaw, peppering warm kisses along the side of his face, then continuing the trail halfway down his neck. It felt so, so nice, that he allowed his eyes to flutter closed, and his head to tilt askew, in order to make room for more of Axel’s touch; his lips, his tongue, his teeth. He kissed Roxas’ skin, then bit into it, surely feeling the blonde’s pulse right under his tongue. It was just as last time, except, somehow, it felt better now, with their bodies so close, and Roxas practically sitting on his lap. He let Axel suck on his neck, and sink his round teeth into it, working his tongue around in such a way as to cause Roxas to vocalize his appreciation. He felt the moan bubble from the back of his throat, and nearly slip past his lips, if he weren’t so fast as to catch it before it escaped. 

That scared him. He was liking this  _ too _ much, and if a single moan made it to Axel’s ears, he’d never recover from it. He’d be mortified. His cheeks warmed up just at the mere thought of it, and only got worse once he realized just how badly his body was betraying him. Axel could feel everything against his stomach, the length of Roxas’ enjoyment, which made him shove Axel away, rudely unchain their bodies, and put some cold water between them. He was embarrassed beyond belief, which quickly turned into chagrin, when Axel made a face at him. 

“What’s wrong?” Axel sounded as confused as he looked to be. 

For as shamefaced as Roxas was, he couldn’t bear the thought of having angered Axel in any way, so it was a big relief to not find a single trace of that on the redhead’s brow. 

“Sorry, I…” His mind suddenly drew a blank as he ran a hand through his hair, and down his face, in hopes of calming himself down. Minding his breathing also proved to be somewhat resourceful. “I don’t know. I’m sorry.” 

Axel knit his brows in worry. “You okay, baby? Did I do something wrong?” 

“No…” He breathed. “Yes.” He paused, and immediately changed his mind. “No, I mean, no. No, you didn’t.” He breathed in just fine, but found trouble coordinating the exhale. His heart was hammering into his chest, threatening to split it open. He needed space. Air. He needed to leave. “Um. I’m sorry.” His mind was a messed up wreck, rendering him unable to think or even make sense of himself, but his body worked by reflex, and got him out of the pool without him even realizing it. 

Out on the front yard, Roxas sat down in the grass for a while. He allowed his body to calm down, breathe, and find its center. Realign itself with reason. He hated himself for freaking out like that, right in front of Axel, no less, and ruining such a nice moment shared between them. He was so fucking stupid. Axel didn’t care if he moaned his throat off, or if his dick was hard in his boxers. Axel just wanted him to feel good, but of course he had to go and fuck it up. He felt wretched. What was the big deal, anyway? There was no reason for him to have reacted that way at all. He was such an embarrassment, to himself more than to anyone. 

Roxas sighed, and his shoulders dropped. He owed the guy an apology. 

Walking sheepishly back to the pool, he watched as everyone had a good, drunken time punching the beach ball around, trying not to let it hit the water, which had them throwing themselves face-first into it in hopes of keeping the ball in the air. Everybody looked to be grossly involved in the game, except for Axel, who looked more like a distant spectator than anything, even if he was right there, where the ball was being passed around. He watched the game with disinterest, and when Roxas stepped into his field of vision, that was all he could see. Roxas dropped into the pool, and swam over to him. 

“Hey.” Axel greeted him lightly, almost cautiously, as if afraid to push him away again.

“Hey, I’m sorry about that; I don’t know what came over me. I don’t know what happened.” 

“No, it’s fine.” Axel paused to regard him. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. Don’t worry about it.” 

The redhead raised a skeptical brow. “You sure?” 

“Yes.” 

He knew that Axel still didn’t believe him, giving him a suspicious look and everything, but decided against pushing him any further. Instead, Axel just ran a hand through his hair, and nodded his understanding. 

\--

That following week, all he could think of was the fuck up at the pool. He felt bad, and would have to work much harder on himself to meet with some sort of comfort regarding intimacy, because that was the thing. He was terrified of intimacy; terrified of having Axel know how he felt, and what he thought, whenever they were together, kissing and being close to each other. He didn’t know why he couldn’t trust himself with being true to his feelings around Axel. He wasn’t so ashamed of his body anymore, and the idea of engaging into some steamier stuff with the redhead was finally starting to cater to him, but he supposed that he wasn’t entirely there yet. There was still some ground to cover before he could feel ready for it. For as much as he liked the idea of Axel sucking him off, for example, actually having that happen was a completely different story. Fantasy and reality didn’t correlate, even if thinking about it helped him overcome his issues with the topic. Maybe he was set back further than he had anticipated. 

That realization was upsetting, and, admittedly, it brought him down a bit, but it didn’t stop him from working on himself. It only slowed the arduous process. 

He felt three paces behind when the following weekend arrived, and honestly couldn’t manage to make it. The guys would be going to a shitty club somewhere, so he faked a cough to stay home instead, and have Sora go by himself with Namine, Axel, Demyx and the others. Roxas just climbed in bed with his notebook and scribbled down whatever came to mind all night, not putting any effort into making it look good, or fit into the metrics, or anything. It was more like a way for him to vent than a real, presentable work. 

Out of the blue, he remembered Axel’s scars from six years ago. He wondered what had hurt him so much back then, that had pushed him into making them repeatedly, one after the other, and if he still had any fresh ones today. Roxas honestly hadn’t stopped a moment to notice that, which was a shame, because he had so many opportunities to. Two pool parties and one dinner at a bar where he had arrived sober, and it was too warm outside to wear a jacket. What would’ve been a better time for an inconspicuous glance than that? It was a true shame to have missed it, but he’d keep that in mind, in case of another opportunity. Still, he didn’t know what gnawed at Axel so bad, and to such an extreme, as to need Aurora to prevent him from doing something worryingly stupid so long ago, and apparently, not just once. Axel had mentioned how she had helped him through rough patches multiple times before, so whatever it was that had tortured him must’ve been serious. Roxas wondered why his mother had never told him about any of this. 

He continued to improve himself during the following week, and the more days that passed, the better he started to feel. The shame from that pool fiasco began to fade from his heart, and allowed for some of his self-confidence to slowly come back to him, so by the time the next weekend rolled up, he attended the party alongside everybody else. 

\--

“I can’t believe Zexion’s here.” He commented in passing, watching Axel light up a cigarette. The orange glow of the flame flickered on his face, and bled into the green of his eyes, coloring them hazel as he glanced down at the blonde. 

“I can.” Axel spoke around the cigarette, putting the lighter away. 

“After what happened at the pool?”

An offered shrug. “So? That was a month ago.”

“So I thought he was dating my mother.” 

“Clearly, he isn’t anymore.”

“Clearly? He and Demyx have the most confusing relationship I’ve ever seen.  _ Nothing _ ’s clear when it comes to either of them.” 

“They’re not in a relationship. The debate about whether or not they should be is what’s fucking them up.” 

“Whatever, what about my mom?”

“What about her?”

“Where is she in all of this?” 

“Nowhere. She’s not with Zexion anymore. I literally just told you this, Roxas. Pay attention.” 

“No, I am, it’s just…” This didn’t make any sense. He ran a hand through his hair, trying to clear up the confusion in his brain, except he was far too drunk to succeed at it. It felt as if none of the pieces fit together, as if they were from different puzzles. “Didn’t you say you were gonna tell her about him?” 

“Yeah, but I didn’t. They broke up without my intervention.” 

“No… You spoke with someone. I know you did. You said you reached some, uh, some agreement or whatever. What’s that about?” 

“An agreement…?” Axel made a confused face at him, but only for a second, before his better-working head made sense of it. “Oh, that. No, I just talked to Zexion. I didn’t to go Aurora. It would’ve been too much.” 

“What did you tell him?” 

“Not to tell her that he knows her children. I mean, wouldn’t that be weird?” 

“I guess.” He paused. “But then why did they break up? God, I can’t believe she doesn’t tell me any of this shit. I don’t even know her.” 

“I don’t know, but if it’s any consolation, she doesn’t tell me about it, either. Demyx might have an answer for you, though.” 

“Do you think it’s a lie?”

“What?”

“Them dating in the first place. Do you think Zexion just made that up to get at him? I mean, we don’t have concrete proof that he knows my mom at all.”

“I don’t know. I hadn’t considered that before.” Axel raised a brow. “It’s kind of crazy.” 

“But is it past him?” 

“I don’t know, Roxas. None of this is our fucking business, man. Get over it.” 

He rolled his eyes. “Whatever.” 

The wind was beginning to pick up outside, giving the first indication that fall was just around the corner. It still wasn’t significant enough to have anyone wearing jackets and scarves for the time being, though, which reminded Roxas that he was running out of time to notice Axel’s arms. It wasn’t his fault that the sidewalk was too dimly lit for that and the inside of the club was even worse, not to mention that Axel didn’t walk around showing off his wrists, so his windows to take a gander were small. His best chances were at dinner somewhere bright, or during the day. Unless, of course, he straight up took Axel’s forearm and flipped it over, but that would probably be the same as a death wish. 

“You care too much.” Axel commented, pulling him out of his reverie. “Or you’re just nosey as Hell.” 

“What? I’m not nosey.”

“So you’re telling me that your obsession with everyone’s business is benevolence?” 

“Yes. Sorry for caring about what’s going on in your life.” 

“ _ My _ life?” 

Shit, he meant Zexion and Demyx. Of course he meant Zexion and Demyx and  _ their  _ possible relationship. God, Roxas felt like a dumbass. He was sure that he looked shaken from the question, too, but he did his best to play it off cool in order to save the slip-up. “Yeah, well. Isn’t your business included in everybody else’s, a.k.a., not mine?” 

Axel glanced off to the side in consideration. “I guess so, but I’d understand if you were on my case instead. It’d still be nosey, but I’d get it.” 

“Oh, really? So where were you last night?” Roxas joked, getting a playful snort out of the redhead. 

“At home, wondering if you’d make it tonight.” 

“How dare you doubt my presence?”

“You ditched us last time; I thought you’d do it again this week.”

He didn’t know what to say back to that. All he could do was look sheepish and guilty as Axel continued. 

“Hey, I’m not calling you out or anything. I mean, after what happened at the pool, I’m surprised you’re still talking to me at all.” Axel paused to breathe out some smoke, looking thoughtful. “I’m sorry about that, by the way. I was  _ very _ drunk.”

“No, please, it was my fault.” 

“How?”

“I don’t know, I just… I freaked out for no reason, and I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to, like, ruin everything.” 

“Please, Roxas. What would’ve been my evening without you?” 

Axel’s words were surprisingly affectionate, and brought a warm feeling to Roxas’ chest. For as much as he still blamed himself for having screwed up their nice time in the pool, what Axel said made him feel a little better about it. It made him think that, sure, maybe things didn’t turn out the way that they should’ve been, but they still had spent that time together, and enjoyed each other’s company. In the end, that was what actually mattered. 

Roxas closed the distance between them with a hug. 


	12. Floating and sinking

R18.A26

He couldn’t stop thinking about Axel. Generally, he always had the redhead at the ready in the back of his mind, but this week, Axel was in the foreground of every one of his thoughts. He couldn’t pay attention in class, or in his friends’ conversations, or on anything that he happened to be doing, without randomly thinking about him, and feeling… Something… In response to it. Not anything bad, or spicy, either, but something quite different. Something warm, and very nice, that always put a smile on his face. 

He kept thinking about the other weekend, and what Axel said. It hadn’t been impressive or anything, but it had touched him. It had resonated with him, and made him feel important. Wanted around. It made him realize something that was probably very obvious to everyone else, but that had never really made itself known to him before, perhaps due to his lack of self-confidence. Low self-esteem? Axel cared for him, and he only noticed that now. That their affection was mutual, requited, reciprocated, returned. A two-way street. 

Roxas felt as if he were walking on clouds all week, from how spaced out he was, and how utterly happy he felt. Knowing that Axel liked him back made all of the work that he had been putting into himself worth a damn. It also made him wonder how it’d feel to sleep with the redhead now. Not in a physical sense, but more on the emotional side of it. Sora hadn’t felt anything for the men that he had slept with in the past, but that was probably because he hadn’t felt anything for them even before their encounter. Roxas believed that, if nothing had been planted, then obviously nothing would grow out of it, but in his case, something  _ had _ been planted. He had feelings for Axel, and when they were close to each other, his feelings multiplied, so maybe, when they were to sleep together, his feelings would sky-rocket. Was that how people fell in love? He kind of hoped so. 

The only downside to all of this was that people were starting to notice his change of behavior, too. Xion noticed how spaced out he was in class, Namine noticed how inattentive he was at lunch, and Sora noticed how much of a klutz he had suddenly become at home, dropping things and hitting his head everywhere. It was always embarrassing to get called out for any of that, but Roxas honestly couldn’t help it. Focusing his thoughts on anything other than Axel for more than a minute was out of his jurisdiction. 

“What’s going on with you?” Xion asked him in between periods one day. She looked both amused, and a little worried, semi-prepared for either of the two outcomes of his answer. 

“Nothing. Why?”

“You just seem… Off. Kind of floating around, not really here. Not grounded at all. Are you in love?”

“What?” He was honestly shocked at her ability to always hit the nail on the head. It was starting to become concerning. 

“It’s a new boy, isn’t it? You have fresh love written all over you.” 

“Well… It’s not really fresh. I’ve known him for a while now.” 

Xion grinned knowingly. “You’re so cute.” 

“Oh, shut up.” 

“When can I meet him?”

He shrugged. “Whenever you want to. We go out, like, every weekend.”

“Thanks but I don’t want to third-wheel you guys.”

“No, don’t worry about that; we’re always in groups of four or more, so.” 

“Really?” Xion sounded pensive. “What’s going on this weekend?” 

He didn’t know at the time, and couldn’t give her a straight answer, but it ended up being dinner at Wendy’s before partying at some club a few blocks down from it. He invited her to come with them in the very moment that he was notified of it, and when the day arrived, she actually showed up. Roxas hadn’t put too much faith into it, because Xion usually traveled home to see her parents on the weekends, but this time she stayed in town to party with him, which was really sweet of her. He hoped that this meant their friendship was starting to grow, rather than she was just curious to know who he had been crushing on. 

Xion got along great with Roxas’ friends and brother. She was nice, and funny, and fit right in with the bunch of them. Roxas kind of knew that everything would go alright with her here, and she wouldn’t clash with anyone, but it was still nice to be reassured of it. It made him glad to have invited her in the first place. 

They all sat at a booth by the window, without much planning to see who would sit next to who, which ended up with Roxas sandwiched between Axel and Demyx, across from his brother and his friend. He hadn’t really been thinking about the redhead’s wrist, or how this was literally the ripest opportunity to have a glance at it, so when his eyes naturally found Axel’s forearm after a while, and followed it along to his hand, something in his mind snapped him back into reality. His heart jumped from the suddenness of it, but he managed to appear cool under the wing of Axel’s right arm, while sneaking a glance out of the corner of his eye. 

It was with a nice, warm feeling that he saw the pale, and fading, scars on the redhead’s arm, without a trace of anything new for what appeared to be a good long time. As fortunate as that was, though, he couldn’t say the same about the track marks. They didn’t look to be quite as much as the picture that Roxas had in his memory from six years ago, which was good, but they were very much present, and recurrent, to today. It made him wonder when Axel had time to do hard drugs, because he had never seen that happen with his own two eyes, when they went out together. He supposed it must’ve been done during the half of the weekend that he stayed home to sleep and rest, while these guys went out again anyway. For what he knew, Axel and Demyx went out on Fridays and Saturdays, and sometimes even on Sundays, but neither he nor Sora had that much energy in them, and could only make it once a week. 

Dinner with Xion was nice and pleasant, until she got up from her seat and announced that she needed to use the restroom, which wasn’t the problem. What made it weird was that, as soon as she moved to leave the booth, both Sora and Demyx suddenly agreed that they also had to visit the restroom together, as if in a badly rehearsed play. The three of them noticed their bad acting, and exchanged very strange looks between themselves before leaving the table, barely concealing their weak plan. It was such an odd thing to see that, as they all left, both Roxas and Axel glanced at each other. 

When they were out of earshot, Axel spoke. “What was that?”

“I don’t know, but it was weird, wasn’t it? Sora was this close to cracking a grin, I saw it on his face.” 

“Yeah, they all looked like that. Are they plotting against us or something?” 

“I don’t know.” He turned to glance over his shoulder, back at the restrooms, and had Axel do the same. The plotting three were whispering among themselves in front of the bathroom doors, but as soon as they noticed the two staring, they all scattered inside. It looked hilariously suspicious. “They’re bad at this.” 

“They sure are.” 

The two turned back around. 

“What do you think they were saying?” 

“I don’t know, but I don’t think we should worry about it.”

“You’re never worried about anything. How can you live a life like that?”

“It’s called staying in your lane, Roxas.” 

“Okay, but apparently, everyone is in the same lane now, and they’re working like a hivemind.” 

“So what do you wanna do about it?”

Roxas slitted his eyes up at him, bested, but not happy with it. “I don’t know.” 

“Great. I’ll be here when you think of something.” Axel reached for his lemonade, taking a sip from it with a very pointed look directed at the blonde. 

Roxas rolled his eyes. “Whatever.” 

Axel smirked behind the glass, put it back down on the table, then attacked the side of Roxas’ face with a multitude of exaggerated kisses. He had an arm around the blonde’s shoulders, and used that to keep him close, right under attack. For whatever reason, the whole thing made Roxas laugh. It might’ve been the exaggeration, or how the kisses started to tickle his face. 

“Stop it!” He said through the laughter, playfully shoving the redhead on the chest. Axel pulled back with a big, dumb grin on his face that, somehow, looked good on him. At this point, what didn’t, to be honest. 

“God, you’re the  _ worst _ .” He was still smiling, despite his own words, or how warm his cheeks felt by now. 

Axel looked at him with a glint of something in his eyes that Roxas couldn’t quite tell what it was, but it seemed to complement his grin. “You’re adorable.” His tone of voice, the way that he said that, fit perfectly with everything else about him, and made Roxas’ heart do a summersault. 

“Shut up.” It was half-hearted, and both of them knew it. “Quit trying to embarrass me.” 

“Oh, so I’m trying to embarrass you now?”

“Yes! Obviously.” 

“If I was, don’t you think I would’ve waited for those guys to come back?” 

Roxas took that into consideration, then turned to look at the restroom doors. In the back of his mind, he thought that their friends would’ve been watching through a crack, but apparently, he was wrong. The doors didn’t even seem to be moving at all, so he turned back around. Axel passed a disinterested glance at them before looking back at him. 

“You’re paranoid.”

“Tell me something I  _ don’t _ know.” 

“You look good in that shirt.” 

Roxas briefly glanced down at himself, at his black and pink Daft Punk merchandise. “Yeah, well, it was thirty five bucks, so I fucking better.” 

Axel laughed. 

There was something between them tonight that felt different. Nicer. It was kind of similar to how Roxas had felt in the last time that they went out, by the very end of the night, when it was only the two of them out on the sidewalk together. When it first dawned on him that Axel cared for him. It was a warm feeling similar to the one from before, and just as wholesome, but not accompanied by shock, or surprise, this time around, because it wasn’t very new anymore, and Roxas had had time to come to terms with that. By come to terms, it just meant that he had spent all of last week daydreaming of Axel, and of their closeness, and of how nice he felt around him. How nice he felt now. It was strange, to feel so good, so right, next to someone, so unbelievably important, and cared for, that the mere sight of Axel brought a smile to his face. 

He turned to the redhead and sealed a kiss on his lips. 

_ That _ was when their friends came back. 

\--

“Did you notice the way he looks at you?” Sora asked him the next day, taking a seat by him at the kitchen counter. 

“Who, Axel?” He spoke through a mouthful of mini toasts, before washing them down with big gulps of orange juice. Sora nodded in reply, so he continued. “Yeah, I noticed.” 

“It’s the same way you look back at him, you know. It’s kind of cute.” 

He raised a brow at his brother while helping himself to some more toast. “What’s your point?”

“My point is that I’m pretty sure you’re in love with each other.” 

He laughed at a very poorly planned moment, because there was still toast in his throat to be swallowed down right then, which made him cough through the laughter, and nearly spit it all out, or outright die. If this conversation continued down the same path for another second, he wouldn’t be too terribly upset if death paid him a visit this morning through asphyxiation. He finished off the orange juice in order to interrupt his coughing fit, and to his luck, it worked. 

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

Sora gave him a look. “You’re a mess, Roxas. I’m just saying your man loves you, and you’re here acting weird.” 

Roxas dramatically rolled his eyes, and went back to tend to his toasts. For whatever reason, his mind refused to believe in what Sora said. He supposed that he had been head over heels for the redhead for so long, that falling for a false trap now, this far in, would probably be his unforgiving end. To give him faux hope now, only for it to be ripped away later, would leave him ruined. To convince him that Axel loved him as intensely as he loved him back, only for that to turn out not to be true in the end… He couldn’t imagine a worse fate than this, and would much rather have the redhead disregard him than give him his life, only to take it back right after. 

Still, what Sora said stuck to him for the following week, and had him thinking back to their dinner, and the nightclub, and the down time smoking outside afterwards. He kept replaying, in his mind, the way Axel that had looked at him, and how that had made him feel, and how their chaste kisses had begun to hold a lot more sentimentality in them than ever before. They started to make him feel something, or be the result of this feeling, the expression of it, however mysterious it was to him still. If Sora had been right, and this was truly the start of a love between them, Roxas wouldn’t even know what to do, with how happy it would make him. It would completely remake happiness as he knew it. 

That supposition also made the idea of sex begin to cater more, and more, to him. 

The following weekend brought them nothing out of ordinary, just another night at a shitty club where the beer was cheaper than the ones at the supermarket across the street and the vodka had so much else mixed into it that one shot of it sent anyone reeling backwards into a world of fake visions and hospital check-ins. Both Roxas and Axel danced and kissed as they always did, which was quite of the norm at this point, until their feet refused to do another move and their body wanted nothing more than to slump against a wall and stay there for the next century, meaning it was time to chill outside. They took each other’s hands and cut their way through the dancing crowd for some fresh air. 

Once outside, they didn’t just encounter strangers waiting around for their rides or hugging themselves from the chilly wind, they also saw a familiar frame, bent over the curb while emptying his stomach on the asphalt. The two of them quickly rushed over to Sora at his sight, worried for him, even though he probably just had too much to drink. Roxas placed a hand on his back as Axel bent down to speak with him. 

“Hey, Sora, what happened? What did you take there?”

“Ugh.” The brunette spit something disgusting onto the street, that must’ve come from the raw bottom of his stomach. “Absinthe.” 

Axel snorted through a smile. “You can’t trust the absinthe of a place like this. They’ll scrape out the leftovers of everyone’s drinks, mix them into a shot glass and let you drink it thinking it’s something that it clearly isn’t.” He shook his head and straightened back up to pat Sora on the shoulder. “C’mon, you’ll be fine. I’ll call Demyx, so we can take you home.” 

“God, no, I can’t go home like this.” Sora heaved heavily, but at this point, it seemed that the vomiting had stopped. Nothing was left inside of his stomach to be thrown out, however much he still retched. “Mom would kill me.” 

Axel took that into consideration for a moment before palming himself for his phone. “You can sleep over, if you want. We have two double beds and a couch for you to choose from.” 

Sora dry heaved for a while longer as Axel got a hold of Demyx, and told him to show up on the sidewalk. It didn’t take five minutes for him to do so, and once he saw Sora’s state, pale, sweating, and bent over a huge trail of his own vomit, he immediately flagged them a cab. 

\--

Sora collapsed face-first onto the couch the moment they walked in through the door. Neither one of the hosts minded that, and set straight to make his stay as comfortable as possible. Demyx went fetch him some water from the kitchen, while Axel went bring down some covers from the top of his wardrobe. Since Roxas had already texted their mother on the way over, letting her know that they were spending the night at Namine’s, he didn’t really have what to do next. Everyone was hurrying to help while he stood around feeling like a fool, so to trick himself into thinking that he was doing something useful, he followed Axel into his room, and watched him grab the covers while looking for an extra pillow.

Roxas started to feel like a waste of space. “Uh, should I… Go home?”

“What?” Axel glanced at him in passing during his search. “Why?”

“I don’t know, I just…” He motioned vaguely in the air, not able to go through with his train of thought, and giving up on it instead. “I don’t know.” 

“Do you want to go home?” 

“No.” 

“Then pick a side and get comfortable.” Axel nodded at his own bed before leaving with the covers and a pillow for their sick guest. 

Pick a side? Roxas turned around to look at the bed, and couldn’t help the color of his cheeks from rising. Sharing a bed with Axel seemed both like a bad, but also the greatest idea that he had ever been told. He had never even been in Axel’s room before, so this felt like two steps into an embarrassing, but also thrilling, commitment. One that he had been meaning to get himself into for a while now.

Shooting a glance at the open door behind him, he walked over to the right side of the bed, and sat down on the edge of the mattress. It felt a little awkward for him to have to undress without the owner of the room around, even if that was what Axel had told him to do. It was a little off putting to be acting as if this were his very own room, but whatever. He’d have to get over himself if he ever wanted to sleep in this bed, so he took his shoes and pants off, discarded them on the floor, and quickly slipped under the covers. He buried his face into the pillow and enjoyed being surrounded by Axel’s scent, until the man in question walked back in. He heard the footsteps approaching, and sat up to look at the redhead, just because it felt like the appropriate thing to do. 

“So, Roxas.” Axel spoke while closing the door behind him, then pulled his shirt overhead. Roxas’ eyes widened at it; what a fucking sight. “Do you wanna have some fun tonight?” 

His heart flatlined for a good, long second before picking itself back up. He was so shocked that his entire body felt cold, his fingertips freezing. He couldn’t say a single thing in response to that as Axel dropped his shirt on the floor, and moved both of his hands down to the front of his pants. 

“Hm?” It sounded more like a hum than anything, Axel’s husky voice trying to coax a reaction out of him, but he was too petrified for it. All he could do was watch the zipper run down, and feel all of the blood in his body rush up to his face when the pants came down as well. To his luck, Axel had kept his boxers on, otherwise he would’ve fucking fainted. 

Axel climbed into bed on the spot next to him, knees on the mattress first, which gave him a full view of everything, but mostly of his strong thighs, before the redhead leaned down to take him by storm. 

Their mouths met in a hard kiss, of the likes that Roxas had experienced before, the kind that left him panting, breathless, and wanting more, but as they kissed, this time, he felt different. He felt like a prey in the jaws of something dangerous. Axel grabbed his face with a firm hand, to hold him close, and pushed him down with the other, all the while their mouths ate at each other. It was hungry, the way Axel was kissing him, and he couldn’t help how good it felt, how fast it rushed blood down to his crotch. He felt embarrassed, but there was no fight left inside of him by now. He let Axel lay above him, and press his back against the mattress as their bodies met on the front. 

Axel kissed hard, and squeezed him underneath his chest, handling his body with firm hands that almost hurt, and left him wishing that they actually had. He didn’t know where this had come from, this sudden desire to be grabbed and squeezed in such a raw way as to quite leave marks behind. It was an ethereal thought, to have his body marked by Axel’s hands where they had touched him, and to be able to see the damage on himself later. 

Axel tugged at his lips, pulling on them between his teeth, before letting go of his mouth entirely, and moving down to his neck. He felt Axel’s tongue on his warm skin, as the redhead’s hands roamed down his body, and finally slipped under his shirt. Soft palms ran up the flat of his stomach, to his chest, where they brushed his nipples. That made a small noise get caught in his throat, and lose itself behind his tongue. He was biting on his bottom lip hard, too embarrassed to let himself voice anything that the redhead made him feel. Axel’s warm hands ran down his sides, and found the waistband of his boxers just as his teeth unceremoniously sunk into the flesh of Roxas’ neck. He gasped from the surprise, and barely even noticed his own boxers being slipped off. That only came to him when his cock brushed the low of Axel’s stomach. 

Suddenly, everything was too much. His body felt too hot, his skin was too sensible, and his heart was beating so fast that he could’ve passed out. “Stop.” He mumbled breathlessly, before a weak attempt at pushing Axel off of himself. He could barely breathe, and had little to no strength to succeed at shoving Axel’s full weight away, but to his luck, he didn’t have to. Axel heard him, and moved to put some space between their chests, which made it easier to breathe, but it wasn’t in any way a solution. He still felt claustrophobic underneath those broad shoulders. 

Axel frowned down at him, worried, but he couldn’t bring himself to look back into the green of his eyes. He was too ashamed to do it, and his cheeks pumped enough color to prove that. 

“Are you alright?” Axel’s voice was soft, and soothing, but it didn’t stop him from feeling bad about everything. He reached down between them and pulled his boxers back up, bringing his shirt down in the process, to cover himself up as much as possible. He felt as if his chest were being compressed under a road roller, keeping him from breathing right as he turned to get away from underneath the redhead. Axel made it easy for him, and moved up to sit down next to him instead. 

“Roxas, please talk to me.” 

“I’m fine.” He managed to wheeze out through his erratic breathing, sitting up as well. He was finally starting to feel his body cool off and his brain clear up just as they sat there next to each other for a while, not touching at all. His eyes were still closed, unable to look Axel in the face, from how mortally embarrassed he felt. Not only that, but he also felt like a let-down. First he led Axel on, and now he couldn’t even get through with it. Again. Classic fuck-up him. 

“I’m sorry.” He whispered out after a moment, after the shock had passed and only guilt swallowed him now. “I’m so sorry, I’m so… I’m sorry.” He finally glanced up at Axel, meeting with his worried greens. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Axel. I’m so sorry.” 

“Hey, it’s fine. It’s alright.” Axel’s voice was so soft that he could almost touch it. “What’s going on with you?” 

“I don’t know.” He could feel his eyes well up, and his throat begin to close, but he refused to let that happen. He refused to let himself cry in front of Axel, so he just shook his head, repeating through a strangled voice, “I don’t know.” 

Axel was silent, clearly drawing a blank on what to say next, or how to proceed. They both just sat in the quiet of the room for a minute, with Roxas avoiding the redhead’s stare by keeping his gaze down, and Axel lost at a mental stop. The tears dripped down on the meanwhile, one or two, but Roxas quickly wiped them away as they did, not letting himself get caught up in it, should a waterfall follow. He glanced up, to make his eyes stop leaking, and sighed heavily in the space between them.

“Should I leave?” Axel asked him quietly, afraid to break the silence. 

Their eyes met. 

“No.” 

“You can have the room for yourself. I don’t mind staying with Demyx.” 

“No, I don’t want that.” 

Axel nodded in bewilderment, stayed put for a second, then got up from the bed. Roxas watched him go over to the wardrobe and put on some pajamas. “Can I get you anything?” He asked before pulling the door open. Roxas shook his head, so Axel walked out with a small promise to be back in a moment. 

He felt like fucking shit. 


	13. Encounters of a kind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NSFW
> 
> Playlist: [To Pursuit a God](https://open.spotify.com/user/oliviazanini/playlist/6lTLIi7WzcRpqRJ3gHFOE9).

R18.A26

The mood in the kitchen that morning was light and cheery, as if whatever that had happened last night hadn’t happened at all. Axel was making breakfast, Demyx was making him company, just sitting at the end of the table and chatting with him, while Sora remained in the living room, under the covers, watching TV. He looked terrible, pale with dark bags under his eyes, but not as bad as he had looked last night, which was an improvement. There was a bucket by the couch, next to where he laid his head, should he need it. He probably already had.

Walking into the kitchen, through the smell of bacon and eggs, Roxas went over to the redhead at the stove, who laughed at something that Demyx had just said, and hugged his side. Axel wrapped his free arm around the blonde in return, still wearing a gorgeous grin on his face.

“Good morning, sunshine. How are you feeling?” The way Axel looked at him was so warm and loving that he could’ve stayed under his wing forever.

“Good.” He smiled, feeling his insides flutter.

Axel raised a brow. “Hey, is that my shirt?”

“Yeah, I hope that’s okay.” He could absolutely have put on his own shirt from last night after the shower, but after having used Axel’s soap, and shampoo, and towel, it wouldn’t feel right to not also clothe himself with something of his. This shirt was only a couple of sizes too big for him, too, which really put into perspective just how tight Axel wore them.

“It’s fine.” Axel spoke with a smile, before leaning down to plant a kiss on the top of his head.

“You’re adorable.” Demyx decided to cut in from the table. He had been watching the two from the moment that Roxas had walked in.

“Roxas? Yeah, he is.”

“No, I mean, well, yes, he totally is, but I meant the two of you.”

Axel snorted out a laugh in response to that, while Roxas couldn’t help the wide grin that spread across his face. It always felt nice to be acknowledged alongside the redhead, for whatever reason. It helped him believe that what they had wasn’t just made up in his own head, and other people saw it, too.

Once breakfast was done, they all sat around the table to eat, including Sora, who looked more like a zombie than a living person at this point. He looked truly sick, but still managed to eat his eggs like a champ, which was the only reason that Roxas forgo his previous worry for his brother. No one treading the thin line between life and death would eat with this much fervor, so his brother should be good. Better than he seemed to be, anyway.

“Did you tell them about the camping trip yet?” Demyx asked the redhead over the sound of clinking silverware on glass plates.

“No, but go ahead.”

“Camping trip?” Sora’s eyes suddenly lit up, helping him look more like his usual, bright self than an undead right now.

“Yeah, a camping trip! There’s this really cool place not too far from here, about four to five hours North, where they have this really pretty forest that we can hike around, and go rock climbing, and there’s a cottage for us to stay at, and even these hot springs that in the winter are actually kinda warm. They also have a big lake where we can canoe and a couple of fields for sports, if you guys are into that. It’s pretty awesome, and we’re wondering if you two want to go with us in January.”

“Yes!” The twins replied in unison, grinning wide from the excitement. They had never gone camping before, so this sounded like a once in a lifetime opportunity for two people who didn’t drive and whose mother wasn’t very interested in communing with the forest spirits at her age.

\--

For as much as everything seemed normal that one morning, and everyone was in good terms with each other, Roxas still couldn’t shake off the feeling of having disappointed Axel the night before. He was still dreadfully ashamed of what had happened, especially because it hadn’t been the first time that he had freaked out in front of the redhead, and that really worried him. He _wanted_ it to happen, but his reaction to Axel’s advances both times had probably given off the wrong impression, which truly sucked. He only hoped that Axel hadn’t given up on him just yet.

It was almost infuriating that Sora hadn’t had a single problem with his first time, sleeping with a guy he absolutely despised as if it was something completely ordinary. Roxas could barely even believe it.

“How did you just up and fuck Seifer in a bathroom?” He asked his brother in the middle of the week, when he was through with trying to shake the thought of failure off and, ironically enough, failing at that, too. It bothered him more than he cared to admit it.

“I don’t know. We were both hammered and horny.”

“Weren’t you anxious at all?”

“Not anxious; more, like, excited. In the sexy, and the non-sexy way.”

“I guess you were too drunk to feel anxious…”

That sparked an idea in his mind. Something that was probably unorthodox, but that was his best chance at getting through his troubled mind, because that was the problem. How much his mind thought, and worked, and didn’t stop whirring in his brain. Getting absolutely hammered would be a sure way to sleep with Axel without any embarrassing anxiety outbursts interrupting the two of them. Yeah. He liked the thought of that already.

He kind of wanted to try it out on the upcoming weekend, but to his surprise, the only person that he had looked forward to seeing there hadn’t come. Demyx explained to him that Axel had been drowning in paperwork that week, and had to stay late at the laboratory tonight working overtime. Roxas thought that was a little weird, because his mother was definitely at home right now, but he refrained from saying anything about that. Demyx probably knew more than he did anyway.

He still had fun that night, no doubt, dancing with his friends and dumping alcohol down his throat like a professional, but it wasn’t the same as having Axel right beside him. It didn’t feel the same, it felt a little empty. Like someone had been left behind.

He kind of missed him.

When the following weekend arrived, and Axel didn’t make it _again_ , Roxas felt legitimately bad. He thought of his mother, arriving home an hour later than usual that night, and retiring to her room right after dinner, due to a splitting headache. He wondered if Axel felt the same sometimes, so swarmed up with work that he barely had any energy left in him to do anything else. Roxas had never quite understood where Axel got his energy from to party twice, sometimes thrice, every single weekend, after a full week of working from nine to five. It seemed superhuman, but then again, he didn’t know the redhead as well as he wanted to believe that he did. One easy proof of that was the track marks on his arm, still fresh, when Roxas had never seen him shoot anything up his veins.

Much to his relief, Axel showed up the weekend after, and he looked just fine. As good and charming as he had always been, without carrying a single trace of being overworked at all. He smiled at Roxas’ sight, and gave him a big, tight hug for a greeting. Roxas was glad about that, because he absolutely felt the same.

Their drinking and dancing hadn’t changed a lot during the time apart. Maybe they danced a little closer tonight, maybe their hands lingered on each other’s bodies for a second too long, and maybe their kisses went a little deeper this time, but nothing was extraordinary. If anything, all of that was only an indication that they had missed each other to some extent.

Outside, Axel lit a cigarette. It was always during their last smoke break of the night, an hour or two before going home, that Roxas felt closest to him, despite having just danced with him and kissed him for the last four and a half hours. This quiet moment allowed them to talk to each other quite frankly due to the alcohol in their bloodstream, and to be as affectionate as their altered brains would let them, which allowed for a few of the best, and most sincere memories that Roxas had registered.

He wrapped his arms around Axel’s waist, and stepped face-first into a hug, with his nose buried on Axel’s collarbone as the guy smoked above his head.

“I missed you.” His voice was small, but in the silence of the street, Axel had no problem hearing him.

“Sorry, I’ve been really busy. I know that sounds fake, but I’m honestly not bullshitting you right now.”

“No, I know. You’re a busier person than you seem to be.”

Axel snorted out a laugh, and he could picture the smile on his face. “Yeah, I guess so.”

Being this close to him again, after two whole weeks without seeing him, was comforting. Roxas enjoyed the warmth that always radiated off of him, and the scent of designer cologne mixed up with cigarette smoke that lingered on their skin at the end of every night. This was the most that they had together, and Roxas had missed it dearly. He squeezed Axel once before pulling his face away to look up at him, and meet with a pair of bright greens that watched him over the ring of see-through smoke that clouded them.

He liked this. He liked having Axel’s eyes on him, and he liked this closeness, too; Axel’s arm heavy around him and the way that it made him feel. Protected, important, taken into account. Like he wasn’t paper thin, or barely present, or easily ignored. He liked feeling valued, and every time Axel’s eyes found him in a crowd, or nonchalantly glanced at him through a circle of people, skipping everyone only to fall on him, and stay there, he felt like a twenty-four karat. It was addictive, and he was kind of in love with it.

“What are you thinking of?” Axel raised a brow down at him, and he didn’t have the heart to hide the loving smile that the redhead got out of him in return.

“You.”

His answer was true, and his tone was just sweet enough to convey the warmth of his feelings for Axel, the very ones that made his core light up with the attention, and validation, that gave him life. Still, that didn’t stop Axel from missing the point entirely, and smirking under that dirty look that made Roxas want to simultaneously roll his eyes, and kiss his mouth. He did neither of those things.

“What about me, huh?”

Sure, he could go for the obvious, and tell him to shut up, or just scoff and not answer, or whatever. He could do that, but he thought of something better. He thought about playing along, for once in his Goddamn life, and so smirked right back.

“You know, two weeks ago, when we were in your room…”

“Yeah.” Axel blew out smoke over his head. “I’m sorry about that.”

“No, that’s not what I’m talking about. I mean the good part, remember? When we were kissing, and you were half-naked above me. Like, that was good.”

Axel frowned. “Was it? Because all I remember was you getting weird and wanting nothing to do with any of that.”

“No, well. I mean.” He paused to collect his thoughts for a second. “I know I freaked out on you, and I’m sorry, but everything was still nice. Like, I really liked that.”

Axel looked at him suspiciously, shaking his head. “I don’t get you.”

That kind of broke his heart. It felt like a knot tied around his throat.

“Yeah, me neither.” A pause, and a fleeting thought about how this literally couldn’t get any worse. “Hey, do you have a joint on you?” He thought that, maybe, getting high would make this less awkward, or at least help him feel better, because right now he felt like trash. Almost as bad as he had felt that night, as if reliving the memories of it had emotionally brought him back to the start.

Axel took a stub from his wallet, and handed it to him before tossing the cigarette on the street. He lit it between his lips.

“You know, when you pushed me off, but didn’t want me to leave, I just… It didn’t make sense. I fucked up, and you still wanted me to stay?” Axel looked off to the side with his brows knit, trying to make sense of his thoughts but failing repeatedly. “I don’t understand. Why do you still talk to me?”

He puffed on the joint as Axel talked, then offered it to him afterwards. Their hands touched when Axel took the butt from between his fingers, and it felt like a shock on his skin, but neither of them reacted to it.

“I didn’t want to be alone.” He watched Axel take a drag with eyes trained down on him. “I know it seems contradictory, but wanting you around has nothing to do with, you know, what happened. Pushing you off and stuff.” He sighed. “I’m really sorry about that. I’m just fucked up.”

“Really?” Axel spoke before handing him the joint back.

“Yeah, I think so.” He had never admitted that out loud, or told it to anyone, so it was a little surprising just how easily it left him. It almost felt relieving.

“What happened to you?”

He shrugged in reply, toking on the joint between his fingers. He didn’t actually have what to answer to that, anyway, because nothing had happened to make him this way. He had always kind of been like this, so his lack of response would have been the same regardless.

Axel frowned. “Were you… You know.” His voice faltered; he visibly hesitated. “Did someone put their hands on you or something?”

“No, no, never.” He shook his head alongside his words, passing the blunt back. “Nothing’s ever happened to me, I’m just a big fucking pussy, I guess.”

Axel laughed. “I don’t think that’s true. I think you’re just shy.”

“Shy about what?” He knew that Axel was absolutely right about that, but he refused to publicly acknowledge it.

“Intimacy.”

Damn, right on the nail. That was impressive.

“Like, maybe you don’t feel comfortable with someone touching you. Maybe you’re just not ready for that.”

“No, I’m pretty sure I would love that.” He accepted the joint back and brought it to his lips.

“Yeah, that’s not the vibe I got from you last time. Good try, though.”

“Look, you caught me off guard, alright? You can’t just walk in on people, taking your clothes off like that, you know?” He puffed on the joint once, then immediately changed his mind. “I mean, well, actually, you can. You totally can, and should, and I advocate that. Nevermind what I said before, that was fucking dumb.”

Axel snorted. “So do you, or don’t you, want a leeway?”

“Yeah, that’d be nice.”

“Tell me, then. If I want to fuck you in that alleyway right there,” Axel pointed at it, a dark space between the side of the club and the building next to it, “how exactly do I tell you that without freaking you out?”

Roxas considered it for a second, before passing the joint back. He could feel the high pretty strongly by now. “Uh, maybe fucking there isn’t such a great idea? But I’d definitely suck you off instead.”

Axel hummed around the blunt, finishing off the last bit of it and tossing the rest of the filter on the street. He held the smoke in his lungs for a long second, seemingly taking the situation into account, and mulling it over in his head, before slowly breathing the smoke out through his nostrils. Roxas always liked when he did that.

“Do you want to?” His voice was level, as if asking a mundane question to his internet provider, and yet, it sent shivers up Roxas’ spine.

He could feel his face heat up, and his heart skip a beat, but where he’d be petrified in any other situation, and about to run off under any other sober circumstance, right now, this baked, he was all for it. He took Axel’s wrist with a wicked grin, and pulled him right into the alleyway.

“Absolutely.”

\--

Pushing Axel against the brick wall felt good, but believing to be the one in control felt better. It minimized his lethal anxiety over anything remotely sexual, and the high helped block everything else that dared stop him this time. He got up on his toes and pressed their mouths together as Axel’s hands gripped his hips, pulling him close. The amount of unnecessary force that he used for that alone gave Roxas a pretty solid idea of how sex usually went with him, and it felt very interesting. He would love nothing more than to have his body marked by Axel’s hands one of these days.

As their tongues met and the kissing only became messier, he slipped a clever hand under Axel’s shirt. His palm ran up the ripples of Axel’s stomach, softly touching the well-defined muscles, past his navel, and up to his firm pectorals. He could probably bounce a coin off of those, if he wanted to. Axel’s shirt rode up along with his hand, and he was glad that the redhead barely ever wore his jackets zipped up, making this easier. The weather cooled Axel’s exposed skin a bit, but he didn’t seem to mind it. Probably too mixed up drunk and high to feel nuances like that.

Roxas moved his hand back down, enjoying the perpetual warmth of Axel’s body as his palm felt his stomach up again, all the way down to the front of his skinny jeans. He tugged on the belt before unbuckling it, and went right ahead to work the zipper open, to allow himself a hand down Axel’s pants. The redhead breathed in sharp when he palmed him through the boxers, and he could feel his own stomach tense up in response to it. His hand closed around the length of Axel’s cock, and stroked, pulling a hum from the back of his throat that Roxas swallowed down with the rest of their kiss. It was empowering to take credit for that, and for the way Axel’s teeth sunk into his bottom lip, tugging hard on it as they kissed, and how much tighter Axel’s hands gripped his sides, bringing him closer, holding their bodies up against each other. He was way into all of it.

Before proceeding any further, though, he grabbed onto Axel’s naked hips and pulled away from their fervent kissing to look at his face. There was just something inside of himself that needed a sort of green light to let him continue on forward, and what he saw in Axel’s eyes was exactly what he had been looking for. Bright greens cast down at him clouded over with pure, unadulterated lust that managed to turn the already scalding heat of his stomach up to something searing hot through his veins. That made him drop to his knees on the spot, and pull Axel’s boxers down with it.

For as much as he had thought about this, and fantasized this very moment in his mind, over and over, for the last few days, nothing could have prepared him to how it would feel actually being an inch from Axel’s cock. Sober, he had been anxious at the mere thought of it, but this high, he wasn’t anxious at all. There was nothing coursing through his body that wasn’t absolutely scorching, making him want to take this in any way that Axel would give it to him already.

It was true, however, that he didn’t exactly know what he was doing down to a straight T, so he just kind of winged it for the most part. First, he touched his lips to the shaft, feeling the warmth of Axel’s skin, before parting them to lick at it. He tried to play out the things that he had seen through a screen, etched into his subconscious, and ran his flat tongue along the length of it, up to the tip. His eyes glanced up at Axel’s face out of instinct, looking for some sign to know how well he was doing so far.

Axel was grinning wide, on the brink of laughing, and he wasn’t sure if that was a particularly good thing right now. “You ever sucked cock before, Roxas?”

Even through his seventy-five different layers of emotional detachment caged behind drugs and alcohol tonight, this one still cut deep, and had his face tingling with color. Was it that obvious? He looked back down at his canvas and dragged his lips over the head, jabbing at a chance to throw Axel off his high horse. His tongue licked at it some, swiping over the slit, as his eyes naturally focused back on Axel’s face. He wasn’t grinning anymore, so Roxas took it both as a win, and also as one of the hottest things that he ever seen.

With lips tightly closed around the head of Axel’s cock, he took into his mouth as much of it as he could for a very first dive. He realized that, compared to what remained afterwards, the number of inches that he could swallow with comfort wasn’t much at all, so he’d have to put some soul into this, which he didn’t exactly mind. He bobbed his head up and down the shaft with as much focus as his foggy brain would allow him, trying to push himself closer to the base at every thrust. He worked through the inches very arduously, feeling them slide on the flat of his tongue, but not yet touch the back of his throat, as he pushed forward, and pulled back again, in a mesmerizing loop.

He was so focused on reaching the bottom that when Axel’s hand brushed some hair out of his face, he almost gagged from the surprise. Luckily for him, though, his coordination skills didn’t fail at such a crucial moment, and he could enjoy the feeling of Axel’s cold fingers touching his forehead, and brushing his cheek, before burying themselves into his blonde hair, cordially at first, then tugging on it later. It didn’t hurt, like he kind of expected it to, though; it was just a little uncomfortable, and threw off his methodical pacing. Now, some dives lasted a bit longer than others, and some went a bit further than he had gotten accustomed to, putting his face more at the mercy of Axel’s hand behind his neck, than at his own will. That scared him a bit, but Axel wasn’t hurting him, so he just closed his eyes and breathed through it.

At some point, Axel completely removed his hand from him, and curled it into a fist, letting it fall at his side. Roxas watched this with growing interest, then flicked his blues up at the redhead’s face, to see how gorgeous it looked. Eyebrows knit hard together, eyes perfectly fixed down on him, jaw set and a heavy breathing that was almost loud enough to hear. It was beautiful, all credited to himself, and he hadn’t even reached the base yet. He wondered if it was time to accept the fact that he wouldn’t deep-throat tonight, and start pumping with a hand what he couldn’t reach. He tried it a few more times before finally giving in. When his hand fit around the base with enough room to spare, though, he realized just how shallow he had been sucking. It was truly embarrassing. He almost stopped everything literally only to apologize for his lack of tact.

He only didn’t do that, and instead continued to give it his best, because Axel looked to be enjoying this. So he kept at it, meeting the side of his hand with his lips at every dive, since it was the most that he could offer at the moment, hoping it’d be enough to get him off. He tried to make up for it by hollowing his cheeks and doing his best to suck harder, but in his mind, that didn’t proportion too big a difference.

“You look fucking good.” Axel spoke breathlessly above him, bringing a hand to brush back his fringe. He watched the redhead pant heavily into the cold air of the night, and felt his fingers wrap very firmly around his hair, actually pulling on it this time. He winced at the sharp pain shooting through his scalp, but didn’t fight against it. He let Axel pull on his hair, and hold him down for a little longer, and push him an inch too far, as much as he wanted to. It was uncomfortable, and he didn’t personally like that a lot, but he let it happen anyway. It wasn’t so bad that he couldn’t take it. It did get him on the brink of gagging once or twice, though, but he didn’t let that shake him, either. He wasn’t scared.

After a few rounds of this, Axel suddenly let go of his hair. He felt an immediate relief on his scalp, and throat, and could open his eyes again, to see the redhead holding his fist even tighter this time around, enough to turn his knuckles white. He really didn’t understand what that was all about, or why Axel had done it twice already, so he decided to take a break from his cock for half a second to breathe, and ask after it.

He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand before speaking. “What’s with you?”

Axel frowned down at him. “Huh?” He sounded annoyed, and Roxas almost regretted the pit-stop, even if he actually needed it.

“You look like you’re holding back.”

“Yeah, because I am. You don’t want me fucking your virgin face when you can’t even deep-throat yet, do you?”

His cheeks colored instantly; this was fucking embarrassing. “Um, yeah, actually. I do.” Bad idea, immediately a terrible idea, but he wouldn’t take it back now. It had already been said, it was out there now, so he just set his jaw and watched how badly this would unfold.

Axel slit his eyes, doubting him. “Are you sure?”

No. “Yes.” His voice trembled.

A second went by in silence as a cold breeze swept past between them, making Axel shiver. He took a step back, closer to the wall, even though he was already leaning on it. “Can you actually take it?”

“God, just trust me.” He was insane.

Axel sighed in outward resignation, but Roxas knew that he was beaming on the inside. He shook his head. “Fine, whatever.”

Resuming what he had been doing before, Roxas bobbed his head with a small voice in the back of his mind telling him that he had fucked up, but there was still time to take it all back, and if he didn’t do that _right now_ , he’d regret it. He listened to the little voice with a mental laugh because he’d see this through tonight, no matter what happened. He had already backed out on Axel twice before, and the guy was probably getting sick of it by now, if he wasn’t already. Roxas couldn’t let that happen.

He half-expected to get yanked around at any moment now, but for as much as he preemptively flinched at the thought of it before it even happened, it took a bit longer for Axel to actually do it to him. First, Axel briefly mentioned that he was close, and while the words still rang in their ears, he pulled hard on Roxas’ hair, making his face suddenly meet with the base of his cock. He felt the head all the way on the back of his throat, and how uncomfortable it felt, and how he could barely fucking breathe, but at least he was glad that, somehow, he hadn’t gagged from this, even though he had a made a disgusting noise when it happened, from the surprise. Axel didn’t hold him down for long, but he did have a very tight, very painful grip on his hair, that kept pushing his face to meet with the low of the redhead’s stomach, as fast as he tried to pull away from it. Axel didn’t leave him any room between thrusts, which had him burying the cold tip of his nose on Axel’s body repeatedly, and very fast, keeping him from breathing for what seemed like forever, choking him slowly.

His face hurt, his head hurt, his throat hurt, and when Axel finally let go of his hair to cum, he had never felt so free. He immediately coughed something awful, loud and disgusting as Axel groaned above him. It was unbelievable just how much his throat ached, and how bad he was gagging now, for some reason, after everything was said and done. It didn’t really make sense, but he’d rather it happen now than while he still had a cock all the way down his throat.

He got up on his feet, all wobbly and trembling, and was welcomed with a kiss on the cheek as Axel fixed himself up. It didn’t help him feel any less empty, or any less used, but he supposed that these would slowly dissipate with time, and be replaced by better feelings. He just didn’t know that it’d happen so fast.

Once Axel was done, it was Roxas’ turn to be pushed against the wall. The dick in his pants twitched in desperate need to find release, and even though he didn’t feel like being touched right now, he let Axel pull his pants down anyway. It was a better alternative than going home with a raging hard on poking out, however much he wasn’t emotionally into it at the moment.

Axel kneeled down in front of him, and took all of it in one go, making him gasp at the suddenness of it all, and quickly change his mind about getting sucked off tonight. It felt _amazing_ , and he couldn’t be more glad that it was happening right now. Axel’s tongue was on his skin, with lips tight around his cock, and teeth just threatening to join in. The redhead knew exactly what he was doing; it was in his eyes every time he pulled back far enough to run his teeth carefully over the head, over the slit. It drove Roxas crazy, and he never even knew that he could get harder than he already was. His hands buried themselves in Axel’s hair out of instinct, desperately looking for something to hold onto, and perhaps grabbing on a little too tightly, but after how Axel had treated him just a minute ago, he honestly didn’t care to be nice now.

Axel worked fast, sucking him off with the practiced ease of a professional, which didn’t give him much chance to last long. All he could do was try not to be too loud, or too messy, as his body overheated, and his stomach tensed up. His throat still hurt, he could feel the sting every time he swallowed down a moan, and he was sure that his head still throbbed, but all of that was overshadowed by the warm feeling of Axel’s throat working around his cock. He gasped and panted and eventually brought a hand up to cover his own mouth from how embarrassing he sounded to his own ears.

The whole thing was simultaneously the best that he had ever felt, and also the most embarrassed that he had ever been, although that last one wasn’t quite a match to par with the first. He just couldn’t help how well Axel worked him, and had him shamefully coming under five minutes. His hands found Axel’s shoulders for support, and gripped them while he doubled over with a strangled sound escaping past his lips. He hadn’t even had a chance to warn him or anything; how mortifying.

His body felt like complete jelly afterwards. His legs threatened to give at any moment and his torso did nothing but slump back against the wall and pant very heavily. Axel got up from the floor and pulled his pants up for him, which made him embarrassed enough to force his jelly hands to finish clothing himself up without assistance. His eyes refused to meet with Axel’s face, but he knew that the redhead had a shit-eating grin splitting it in half, which made him want to stab the guy, and then kiss him better.


	14. It's not alright

R18.A26

Axel didn’t make it that weekend, and Roxas couldn’t say that he was very surprised about that, however much it still disappointed him. Since their messy encounter last time, he hadn’t been able to stop thinking about it, about Axel’s cock more specifically, and wondering how it’d be like to go a step further next time. If he couldn’t suck a cock all the way, there was no feasible reason for him to believe that he’d be able to take it anywhere else, either, but that didn’t stop him from wanting to try it, though. The romanticized idea of intercourse that his brain had formulated, and desperately held onto, was alluring enough to make him want it. He really hoped that the camping trip would give them an opportunity for that. 

As they stood around getting drunk that Friday, Sora asked Demyx when the trip was scheduled to be, and if they even had set a date yet. The blonde replied that it’d be sometime after the Holidays, but before classes resumed for the twins, which he had meant to ask when that would be. Sora told him that they had until the second week of January, so it should be fine. They were to spend a week at their grandparents’ for the Holidays, but that wouldn’t interfere with the camping trip plans. Demyx said that he’d talk to Axel later, and get the twins a precise date, so they didn’t have to worry about it. He and Axel would get a Friday off work, rent a car, pick the boys up, and hit the Northern mountains for a glorious weekend without trouble. 

It was in the middle of that one week spent at their grandparents’ that Sora realized something important. He sat up in his bed, and turned to face Roxas’ side of the guest room. 

“If Axel takes a day off work, and we tell mom that we’re going on a trip with Namine in the same day, don’t you think that’s a little suspicious? She might not put two and two together for sure, but she’ll suspect it, at least, and we can’t have her doing that. We can’t have her doubting us.” 

“Quiet down, she’s in the next room.” He whispered back. 

“Don’t you think I have a point, though? It’d be weird to have this specific coincidence, right?” 

“I mean, yeah, but what can we do about it? We can’t just change the date. It wouldn’t work.” 

“No, but we can make up an illusion. Just listen. If we tell her we’re leaving on Friday, she’ll be suspicious, but if we tell her we’re leaving on Monday, she won’t.” 

“So we lie about the departure, and then what?”

“We stay at Axel and Demyx’s apartment until Friday comes. She won’t know we’re there at all, thinking we’re on a road trip with Namine the whole time. It’s fool-proof.” 

“Do you think they’ll let us stay there for three days, though?” 

“I think so. I mean, why not?” 

Sora’s idea was solid, but they still had to make sure it’d work, with adult permission to go traveling with “Namine” and to stay three days at their friends’ apartment beforehand. Sora handled their mother’s side of the deal, while Roxas was in charge of talking to Axel about the illegal housing. He felt embarrassed to even ask, which was why it took him three days to muster up the face to do it, even if it was over the phone, because he wasn’t back in town yet. He was a coward and postponed simple tasks due to his crippling anxiety, yeah, but at least he managed to get things done sometimes. Most of the time. He locked himself in the guest bathroom to make the call. 

Axel picked up after the second ring. He sounded tired, and it wasn’t even midnight yet. “Hello?” 

“Hi, Axel. It’s Roxas. Is this a bad time?” 

“No, man, it’s fine. How are you?” 

“Um, I’m good. Sorry to be calling you so late, but I wanted to talk about the camping trip real quick. It’s because of something that Sora thought of.” 

“What is it?” 

“Well, we want to know if we can stay at your place for a few days before the trip, to, uh, trick our mom, so she won’t think that it’s all connected. You know, your day off and us leaving the house on the same day and stuff.” 

Axel was silent for a quick second on the other end, which increased Roxas’ heartbeats from the growing dread of a negative response. He almost didn’t want to hear it anymore. He almost hung up.

“Cool, yeah, that’s pretty smart. When are you coming over?” 

“I don’t know. I don’t even know when we’re going.” 

“Right, sorry, I forgot to tell you. We decided on two weeks from now. Is that okay?” 

“Yeah, that’s good. We’ll be there on the second Monday, then.”

“Alright. Can’t wait to see you.” 

His heart did a leap as he replied around a smile. “Me too.” 

\--

Neither one of them had a key to the apartment, so they left sometime in the afternoon, wasted some hours walking around town, mindlessly window-shopping and paying for iced coffee with cash, before Demyx finally texted them saying that he was home. They walked over to his building’s doorstep, rang the buzzer and were allowed in. 

It was a quarter past seven when Axel got home. The three had dined, played a round of invasive questions and answers, and watched an entire episode of House of Cards on the meanwhile, nearly forgetting that he also lived here alongside his best friend from how long it took him to show up. He closed the door behind himself and greeted them with a few tired words before walking over to his room. The twins shared a look, but Demyx seemed very used to this, which admittedly worried Roxas a bit. 

“Is he alright?” 

“Yeah, he’s just overworked. He’ll probably take a shower, eat the plate that we left for him in the microwave, and then go to bed. Don’t worry about him.” 

“Does this happen a lot?” 

“Well, it’s kind of a scheduled thing, really. It’s like this every time they’re close to a deadline. Last year’s Christmas was pretty bad as well.” 

“Did he work on Christmas  _ day _ ?” Sora jumped into their conversation through a mouthful of Mini Oreos. 

“Yeah, he usually does.” 

The sequence of events that Demyx predicted to happen was strikingly accurate. The twins watched Axel follow it mindlessly, dragging his body along the carpet to take him where he needed to go before it should pass out on the spot. It was kind of funny, but it still made Roxas a little sad. He didn’t know things got so bad at the workplace by the end of the year, because his mother always looked the same to him. She didn’t showcase this big change that Axel did. Roxas wondered if that was because she was already exhausted every single day of her life, and her stress levels were already too high to possibly get any higher. 

On his way out of the kitchen, Axel stopped just outside of the arch, facing the living room where the other three ate junk and watched television. His eyes skipped two people to meet with Roxas’ blues. 

“Are we sharing my bedroom tonight?” His voice was hoarse and low, and Roxas could see how tired he was, written all over his face and on the way that his body struggled to hold itself upright against the wall. 

He shrugged. “If you don’t mind.” 

Axel shook his head, and motioned for Roxas to follow him down the hallway. He didn’t care that it was only half past eight, and he wasn’t the least sleepy at all; he jumped off that couch and stalked after the redhead with the enthusiasm of someone whose hand had just been asked. 

They made small talk while getting ready for bed, speaking of stale subjects like how their day had been and who they had run into and how everything was perfectly set to go regarding the trip that upcoming weekend. Axel loosely explained to him that they’d pack on Friday morning, take a bus to the car rental that he liked, and drive far North for about four hours. He looked a little thoughtful while walking Roxas through the details of their trip, and sleepily mentioned something about meaning to buy a car soon, before placing his head on the pillow, and immediately blacking out. 

\--

“There’s a  _ hike _ to get there?” 

“What did you think when we said that the cottage is in the middle of the woods?” Axel shook his head, hoisting a big duffle bag over his shoulder, that looked heavy enough to be able to snap him in half. Sora pulled the trunk closed for him. 

“I don’t think you ever said that, but I also don’t know what I expected.” 

“How do you guys even know this place?” Roxas cut in with a glance back at the other two. 

“We met the owner of the cottage a few years ago. He came for the joint, and stayed for the talk. Told us about the mountains, how much he loved them, and the business that he built here. Said we should come check it out sometime, and we did.” 

“Yeah. It was really nice the first time around, so we kept coming back every year.” Demyx grinned. 

“Huh, so is this your Holiday tradition?” 

Axel shrugged. “You could say that.” 

\--

The lake was wide and beautiful, surrounded by tall pine trees that formed a dense forest in greenish hues. The deep blue water underneath rippled against the sides of the canoe, glistening unevenly under the warm sunlight as they paddled far away from shore. In the distance, a few mountains towered over the trees, coloring the skyline a fading green that almost blended with the clear blue of the sky. The air was cold, but out in the sun, Roxas felt warm. He held up his phone for a picture. 

“Will you take a selfie with me?” 

“Sure.” 

He leaned in closer and grinned for a pose, watching Axel’s dashing smile on the screen between his fingers. He pushed the button twice before leaning back on his end of the canoe. The picture was stunning.

“Do you know why I brought you here, Roxas?” 

He glanced up at the redhead, and put his phone away. “Because you’re going to kill me?”

“No.” Axel grinned briefly, then let it drop. “I wanted to talk to you in private.” 

His heart skipped a beat. “About what?” 

Axel glanced off at the beautiful scenery around them, knitting his brows together as his thoughts sorted themselves out in his head. “Me. What’s been going on…” His eyes found Roxas’ blues again. “You. Did you know I’ve been working on a project with your mother for the last few months?” 

He shook his head; he didn’t know the first thing when it came to that.

“She and I used to work at different levels of the building, you know. She had her own lab, her own office, her own team and developments to attend to, while I was just a pawn in somebody else’s game. We didn’t see each other a lot unless we needed something from one another. We both had deadlines set by the corporations above us, but our separate work wasn’t connected. We were from different areas. Recently, though, she revoked one of the scientists from her team, a month before their presentation was due, and invited me to take his place, in the most prestigious group of the industry. Do you know how honored I was? There were far better skilled scientists for her to choose from, but she gave  _ me _ the privilege. I asked her why, and she said it was because she could trust me with her eyes closed.” 

Axel looked off into the distance again, as if reliving the memories, replaying them out in his head. He still seemed thoughtful; brooding, even, and Roxas couldn’t help feeling that the point that he was slowly driving home wouldn’t be a particularly good one. This felt like something that he should dread, but he didn’t really have what to say to stop it, or interrupt it in any way. All he did was sit in silence and listen in for the inevitable trainwreck to come. 

“We see each other every day now, and last month worked together very closely. I fell behind on the project that I was conducting by myself, duty from my old position, to help her and her team with their deadline, because I knew that we wouldn’t make it if I split my time in two, and I was more than ready to take the fall for the other one, after our goal was met, but Aurora didn’t let me. She sneaked into my old lab and helped make up for the lost time.” He paused. “I don’t know why I’m telling you all of this, but I hope you know where I’m coming from.” 

“I really can’t say that I do.” 

Axel leaned closer, resting both elbows on his knees. “Don’t you feel any remorse lying to her face and tiptoeing behind her back all the time?” There was a change to his tone that cooled Roxas’ blood into ice. He couldn’t move for a whole second, staring straight into those piercing greens with wide eyes and a racing heart. He blinked, his brain whirred, and shame finally began to color his cheeks red. 

He had to cast his eyes down at their legs, speechless.

“Doesn’t that affect you at all?” Axel continued, making him shut his eyes, wishing that he hadn’t. “Don’t you feel any guilt? Not even a tinge of remorse, Roxas?”

“Yeah.” His voice was small, as small as he felt inside, under the condemnatory tone of Axel’s voice. This canoe felt like the bench of a trial, or the stool of a confessional. “Yeah, of course I do.” 

Axel’s towering body cast a long shadow over him. 

“But I don’t do it for myself, you know.” He glanced up to meet with two sharp greens that admonished him, nearly causing him to submit into silence. Yet, he pushed through. “I don’t care if she knows that I hang out with you. I mean, sure, she’d be mad. Yeah, she’d be super mad, but that wouldn’t stop me from sneaking out and seeing you anyway. It wouldn’t change my life if she knew, but it would change yours. Axel, I only lie about it because of you. Because I know how much she means to you, and I know that telling her this would destroy your life. I’m not dumb, man. I know that this isn’t about me.” 

Axel slitted his eyes. “Yes, it is, Roxas. You’ve been lying to her ever since you snuck out with me for the first time, and didn’t stop there, either, so don’t play the innocent. And don’t even try to tell me that you’re some martyr who’s saving my life or whatever, because that’s some bullshit. We’re  _ both _ screwing around, just trying to cover it up for each other, so our lives will be easier.”

“What the fuck, no.” He shook his head, frowning. “No, I’m doing a good thing for you. I’m keeping  _ your _ secret.” 

“Our secret.”

He scoffed, having his eyes well up despite himself. His chest felt heavy all of a sudden. “No, I won’t let you make me feel bad about this. I’m helping you, and you want to demonize me for it. Well, fuck you.” His voice strained at the end, as his throat closed. “Fuck you.” 

“I’m not demonizing you, Roxas, I’m just telling you that what we’re doing is wrong. I’m supposed to be on her side, you know? I’m supposed to stay  _ out _ of your life, like she told me to. You, and me, and all of this? Not supposed to happen.” 

“Whatever.” A tear spilled down his face, but he didn’t care to wipe it. His eyes kept themselves on the scenery over the side of the canoe. “Just take me back to shore.” 

Axel sighed, and slipped one end of the row into the water. “Look, sorry--” 

“Go fuck yourself.” 

\--

He hugged his knees to his chest. Out on the back porch, the cold winter wind swept past, shaking some branches and chilling his face. The moon overhead cast dim shadows on the ground, and darkened the pine trees into eerie forms that swayed from side to side, spellbinding to his eyes. He watched their enchanting movement in crestfallen solitude as his friends chatted inside, loud enough for their laughter to muffle through the wooden door shut behind him. The night welcomed his gloom, and the quietness of the forest was soothing, but he still felt abandoned, and every time Axel’s voice bled into his solitude, needle-sharp twinges into his heart made him feel worse. 

He wondered if it was at times like this that Axel hurt himself.

\--

The door opened just a crack, and light from the hallway seeped in from behind the redhead, coating him in the dark. Roxas saw his silhouette from the bed, standing by the door frame, as if waiting for an invitation to come in. As if this weren’t his room, too, shared between the two of them from the start. Roxas watched him stand around for a minute, probably wondering whether or not the bundle under the covers was asleep by now, all cocooned like that. He concealed a smile to himself.

“Should I take the couch?” Axel whispered from the door, taking a blind shot at Roxas being awake to hear it. He could’ve pretended otherwise. 

“No, I want you in here.” 

Axel watched his side of the bed for a while before coming in, and closing the door behind himself. He went over to their bags and stripped down under the silky moonlight that lit up a good portion of the room, filtering in through the drapes over the windows. Roxas watched him leisurely, grabbing the covers a little bit tighter, as the razor-sharp needles pierced his heart again. How was Axel such an idiot? Such a blind fool? This wasn’t the first time that he thought that some distance between them would actually fix anything. The argued once, and Axel thought that he wasn’t welcome into their bed anymore. They had a bad experience fumbling around under the covers, mostly on Roxas’ fault, and Axel thought that he should leave again. They had an awkward time at the pool, again on Roxas, and Axel thought that Roxas didn’t want to see him anymore. How was he so blind to the fact that Roxas liked him, and cared for him, and wanted nothing more than to just have him close? Nothing about that should be so fucking hard to understand. 

“You’re such a dumbass.” It slipped past his lips in a whisper that sounded loud within the silent confines of the room. He could see a smile form on Axel’s face from that. 

“I know.” 

“I don’t  _ want _ to stay away from you. I like you, Axel, what the fuck. Do you want me to go away or something? Is that it?” 

“No, of course not.” Axel let his arms drop while circling the bed, then climbed into his empty side. “I’m just trying to quiet down my conscience but I don’t know how to. I thought I did.” 

“Is it telling you to get rid of me?”

“No, please, don’t even say that.” A pause. “I’ve just been thinking, and, well… Can we make a compromise?” 

“What kind?”

“We keep doing what we do, we just take it down a notch. Keep it friendly, you and me.” 

“Friendly? Was I  _ that  _ bad at sucking you off last time?”

Axel grinned. “You know that’s not it.” 

He smiled, a heartbeat passed. The frustration inside of him mellowed out into something far more harmless that put a weight on his chest. His voice was small now. “Can I kiss you one last time?”

In the dark of the room, Axel’s smile was barely present. “Yes.”

He leaned in closer and sealed their lips together, trying to memorize this moment as best as he could. The softness of Axel’s skin, the feeling of his smile, and how it made his heart beat that much faster. It was cruel to take this away from him, but it was something that would make Axel feel better, even if it was at his own expense, which felt like the right thing to do. He had never put himself first, anyway, and surely wouldn’t start now.


	15. The Camping Trip

R18.A26

“So you two aren’t together.”

“No, but we’re not  _ not _ together, you know what I mean?”

“Absolutely not.”

“Like…” Demyx huffed, having a tough time climbing up this especially steep section of the trail while exposing his life story for all to hear. Sora helped him forward by pushing on his back with both hands. “Thanks, but it’s like, he and I, we like each other, right? We like each other, but we argue a lot, too. We don’t, like, see things the same way. He thinks quinoa salad is good, I mean, I can’t live with a person like that, you know?” 

“Hey, for real? Why do we live together, then?” Axel cut in from the back. 

“Look, Axel, I know you’re a whore for mediterranean cuisine, so I’m not surprised to learn you’re into quinoa right now, because I expected this of you, but Zexion’s one of  _ my people _ . He’s supposed to be a disgusting carnivore like me. Steakhouses have always been our thing, alright? He can’t be bringing me leaves and shit now. That really messes with a person.” 

“Wait, you’re a vegetarian?” Roxas asked the redhead, holding onto his hand as they followed the other two further up the mountain. 

“No, not really, but have you tried out Arabian cuisine? That shit could make anyone a vegetarian, easy.” 

“So you’re telling me you’re not together because he likes salad?” Sora continued from up front, making Demyx sigh out his annoyance. 

“No, haven’t you been  _ listening _ ? We’re not together because we’re always disagreeing on whatever, but we’re also unofficially together because we have a lot in common. I mean, I’ve known him for nine years. That has to count for something.” 

“I guess…” Sora paused. “You know, man, I thought you were just a chill pothead when I met you. I didn’t think you had that much fight in you, to argue with the person you care for over every little thing.” 

“Well, that’s just how we are together. I’m a water sign, so my emotions are very all over the place, and I can’t help riding the waves as they come. Is the joint out?”

“Yes.”

“That’s fine. I’ll just light up another one when we get to the top.” 

\--

“He said I was a stranger, last time I visited. It was this year. He’s seventy-one now.” 

“Damn… What about your mom?”

“Not doing any better.”

“Did she remember you, at least?”

“Oh, they both remember me. The stranger comment was just an insult, because I don’t visit often, and I put them there. They hate it there.” 

“Is it bad?” 

“Not as far as I can tell. The place is really big, with multiple wings and huge gardens; the staff seems nice and their neighbor is a partially-deaf old man, so whatever, right? Elderly Heaven and shit.” 

“They’re really old to be your parents.” Sora cut in from the ground, passing the blunt over to the redhead laying beside him. Axel shook his palm to indicate that he was good for the moment and didn’t take it. 

“Yeah, it’s pretty evident that I wasn’t planned.” 

“We weren’t planned, either.” Sora motioned for the redhead to take the blunt anyway and pass it to his brother, but Roxas quickly let them know that he was also good, so he turned and tried handing it to Demyx next. The guy was knocked out cold, though, dreaming on the grass under the stars, so Sora just put it out and kept the butt.  

“What happened?” Axel asked them.

“Mom never told us the full story, just that she met a guy once, at some bar in Minnesota, and only realized that she was pregnant four states away.”

“What the Hell was she doing in the winter of Minnesota?” 

“She liked road trips, and tried to visit every state when she got a car. She started at nineteen.” 

“Did she make it?”

“Yeah. We have pictures of her with a really huge belly in Oklahoma, and both of us in Hawaii, but by then we were already seven years old.” 

“Did she care to go after the guy, or, like, try to contact him or something, you know?” 

“No, he was just a stranger, and grandma and grandpa told her that it wouldn’t be a good idea, so she never did. She didn’t care for him, anyway. She had her parents to help raise us, and foot our expenses, until she could stand for herself, which, sure, took a while, but it wouldn’t have made a difference if she had gone after child support or whatever, so.” Sora shrugged.

“Right. That’s rough.”

\--

“You know, sometimes I feel like you hate me or something.” 

“What?” Axel glanced down at him with his brows knit together. “Where did that come from?” 

He shrugged loosely, training his eyes on the path ahead, that trailed up and around the mountain. Hopefully, the nonchalance would occur to him. 

“Is it because of what I said?”

“Huh, I fucking wonder.” 

Axel halted suddenly, staggering him back by the hand, but not letting go of it. That probably said something. 

“Are you mad at me, Roxas?” 

“Yes, actually. I am.” He ripped his hand away, and turned to look Axel in the eye. “I’m so  _ fucking _ pissed off, you know. I can’t believe I’m still fucking here, still talking to you, playing pretend like you didn’t say anything to me yesterday. Stuck on this stupid mountain for the whole weekend, just because  _ you _ decided that it was a really great idea to make me feel bad for covering for you, for being on your side. I mean, this is the thanks I get? Feeling like fucking shit and wanting to go home because  _ you _ don’t know how to deal with  _ your _ anxiety? Because you feel so guilty for liking me, that you go ahead and blame that on me, immediately feel better, and move on like it’s fucking nothing. Like it’ll just be water under the bridge by morning.”

That had been bottled up inside him all day, so letting it all loose was both cathartic, and draining. He huffed out the last bit of frustration from his chest, and was instantly hit with fatigue, as his shoulders sagged and his body felt heavy to carry. Axel didn’t look much better, either, with eyes cast aside in shame and not a single word to defend himself. 

His voice was softer as he continued. “God, man, I know what it’s like to feel so insecure about something, so in the wrong that your hands shake and your lungs collapse and you don’t know what to do next, but I don’t go around blaming it on other people, alright? I learn to deal with it by myself. I write poetry and I smoke, and you drink and do all of those fucking drugs, so why couldn’t you have done  _ that _ instead of taking it out on me? I mean, I know you’re a selfish bitch, but I didn’t think I’d be on the receiving end of it. I thought…” He quickly bit his tongue, shaking his head. He thought he meant more than that. 

“Whatever.” Empty and resigned, he took Axel’s hand again, and continued up the mountain. “I guess I don’t deserve any better than a selfish ass, anxiety-ridden piece of shit, anyway.” 

\--

The setting sun painted Axel’s hair a warm red, and brought color to his face, making his eyes glint in the dying afternoon rays as he watched the lake, covered in shadows, hundreds of feet below them. He had been mostly silent during the rest of the walk over, speaking the bare minimum and looking morose the whole time, smiling briefly and politely here and there, on cue, to seem friendly. It was heartbreaking to see him so beaten down and defeated, and Roxas took full responsibility for that, but he wouldn’t apologize for, or take back anything that he had said earlier. He had spoken of nothing but his true feelings, and if Axel didn’t like to have heard it, then he shouldn’t have said anything yesterday in the first place. 

He unlaced their hands, and trailed his own down Axel’s, touching the palm with soft fingertips until they reached the sleeve of his jacket, protectively wrapped over his wrist. Roxas grabbed the cuff. 

“When did you start cutting?”

Axel’s eyes dropped from the lake below, to the dark infinity of his own mind. His voice was stale. “At fourteen.” 

“Why?”

He shrugged. His eyes glanced up at the sky now, at the sun slowly inching behind the horizon, and he looked a little less desolate with how shiny his greens had become. “Because I felt lonely, the first time, and then… Because I hurt someone. Then because someone hurt me. Then because I didn’t like myself, because I deserved it, because it made me feel better, because it stopped my hands from shaking, because I couldn’t do it right.” He paused, and brought his arm forth, pulling the sleeve back to glance at the pale skin that stood out against the olive of his forearm. He ran a palm over it. “Because it’s cheaper than getting tattooed all the time.” 

Roxas’ eyes widened. Axel pulled the sleeve back. 

“I hope you’re not on the same boat.” 

“No… But I’ve thought about it.” 

“Don’t. Don’t even humor yourself, just keep writing your poetry.” 

“Sorry if I made you feel bad.” 

“Huh?” 

Ah, shit. “Earlier on the trail. I’m sorry for  _ how _ I said all of that. I was angry.” 

“No, that’s fine. I needed to hear it.” Axel glanced down at him. “Are you still mad at me?”

“Kinda.” 

Axel nodded in silence, turning to watch the sky fully darken. 

\--

“Are you talking about me?” 

The two adults looked up at him from their respective places on the couch. 

“No.” Axel replied meekly, breathing out a circle of smoke around the blunt in between his lips to hide a smile. Roxas took a seat on his lap.

“Bullshit.” He swiped the blunt from Axel’s fingers and toked on it as the redhead rested an innocent a hand on his thigh. He didn’t mind it; the warmth of his palm was comforting. 

Demyx grinned from across the couch. “He was just telling me how you bad you grilled him this afternoon. Is that true?” 

“Yeah.” He spoke with smoke in his lungs before breathing it out, turning to look Axel in the face. “Did you explain to him why?”

Axel’s eyes watched his lips with growing interest, half-lidded over the fire that burned his bright greens into life. The hand on Roxas’ thigh started to make a lot of sense, all of a sudden. “I’m not sure what you mean by that, honey.” 

He decided not to confront the intensity of Axel’s openly sinful gaze, and instead turned to pass Demyx the blunt, addressing him as well. “You know, he grilled me first, right when we got here yesterday.” 

“What?” Demyx reached to him, glancing at the redhead with wide eyes. “Is that true? Why would you do that?” 

Axel snorted, and the hand on Roxas’ thigh gripped it firmer. “No, it wasn’t like that. It wasn’t anything bad.” 

“Yes, it was. You made me cry.” 

Axel glanced at him while Demyx lost his mind. 

“Oh, my God, Axel, fucking really? What was the point of that?”

“Shut up, man, it’s none of your business.” 

“Hey, you two, chill. It’s all good now.” He turned to meet with Axel’s eyes. “Right?” 

Axel regarded him for a moment, with brows slightly creased at first, but slowly relaxing as he leaned back on the couch. His hand lost the tight grip, and replaced it with a caress on Roxas’ inner thigh that made his spine straighten up, pushing his shoulders back. It was an embarrassingly nice feeling, however much it started to concern him at this point.

“Yeah… Yeah, baby, we’re cool.” The passive expression on Axel’s face was misleading, but that glint in his eye, coupled with the ghost of a smile over his lips, easily gave him away to someone who had been subjected to his fangs more than once, and seen this same look back then. Roxas set his jaw, watching Axel’s greens with a fixed gaze as his hand inched further up. 

Axel was either testing him, or he had already seriously forgone their compromise in the space of a day, after all the trouble and war that it had caused them since. The latter would be a dumb move to make this far in, and the exact kind of thing that Axel was capable of. 

“Are you sure?” Demyx cut in from the couch, reaching the blunt over to the redhead. “‘Cause you’re looking at him weird, and I’m sensing a big tension here, right now.”

Roxas was unimpressed, and cut in his own reply before Axel could give his. “He just wants to fuck, that’s it. That’s all this is.” 

Axel smiled wide around the blunt. “Well?” 

Before Roxas could answer, Demyx jumped in. “I mean, I’m not surprised, ‘cause Axel’s sex drive is ridiculous, but I thought it was something juicy and actually interesting, like more drama or hot new gossip. Well, I’m disappointed now.” 

“Yeah, whatever.” Axel spoke while shifting around to make himself more comfortable on the couch, and wrapping an arm across Roxas’ waist to pull him closer. 

He plucked the blunt from Axel’s lips, and brought it to his own, not caring for the intensity of the green eyes that bore into the side of his face in response to it. He inhaled in deeply before speaking. “You can go fuck yourself, if you want.” Exhale. “That’s always an option.” 

Axel grinned. 

“Yeah, that doesn’t really sound like you two are good. So, yikes.” Demyx commented, reaching for the blunt. 

“It’s fine, I can use that kind of anger in my favor.” 

Roxas shot a sharp glare at the redhead. “Oh, really?” He scoffed. “Did you, for some reason, forget what we talked about last night?” 

“He’s pulling the receipts!” Demyx laughed. 

“Roxas, I’ve been very high the entire time we’ve been in this mountain. Don’t expect me to remember anything.” 

“You weren’t high in the canoe.” 

“But I was high when we went to bed.” 

“Did you fuck high, too?” Demyx cut in. 

“No!” It wasn’t quite a shout, but his voice was definitely a volume too loud to be used indoors. “That’s the whole point of the whole  _ thing _ ! I can’t believe you said all of that, and we went through all of this, only for nothing to mean anything, and we pretend that it didn’t happen at all. Are you  _ serious _ right now?” 

Axel blinked, unfazed. “So are we not--”

“No, of course not!” He shoved Axel off and got up to leave. 

\--

“Hey, pumpkin, are you still mad at me?” Axel closed the bedroom door behind himself, watching him change into some pajamas. Privacy was a thing of the past, and he honestly didn’t care about it this far down the road. He dropped his pants into the open bag with a little too much inelegance, before turning to give Axel a pointed look. 

“Are you fucking for real?”

The redhead lifted both palms in exaggerated surrender, walking slowly toward his own bags. “Okay, yeesh. Nevermind.” 

He sighed out the boiling frustration from within. 

Nothing in his whole life had ever been quite as bad as trying to understand Axel this weekend, and having his emotions get out of hand because of it. He, himself, was so simple to understand, that when Axel said something and then proceeded to do the polar opposite, he wanted to implode. Axel didn’t make any sense, and none of this made any sense at all. He liked Axel, therefore he wanted to be with him. He wanted to be around him, within his presence, to enjoy their limited time together. That was all, simple and easy. Axel, however, said that he liked him, but for some reason couldn’t allow himself to be with him, voiced that feeling, pissed him off, and then tried to get with him anyway? What the fuck? Roxas strongly wished that he could literally punch some sense into this guy’s concussed head, because all of this felt more and more like a fever dream the longer it went on. He had no idea how Axel’s brain worked; how it thought things through.

“I don’t get you, man. How can you say something, and then go do something else?” 

Axel shrugged. “Guess I changed my mind about it.” 

“And it didn’t occur to you to tell me?” 

“Look, I don’t know. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing, alright? I just don’t know.” 

“How do you expect me to understand anything like that?” 

“I don’t.”


	16. Injuries

R18.A26

**_From: Mom_ **

Good morning, sweetie. :) How are you liking the mountains?

_To: Mom_

It’s great. I’m having a really great time here.

**_From: Mom_ **

Glad to hear it. ETA for tonight?

_To: Mom_

At around ten. Don’t wait up, though.

**_From: Mom_ **

Ok, love you.

_To: Mom_

Love you too.

“Roxas.”

He looked up from his phone to find Axel at the doorway, hanging off the frame by a hand.

“Walk with us.”

\--

“Walt Disney is a bitch and stole all the fame and glory that Max Fleischer rightfully deserved. If you want to fight me over this right now, I’ll take off my damn gloves.”

“Disney isn’t worth busting my knuckles open for, but I _will_ let you know that if Fleischer and his studio fell into bankruptcy, that’s nobody’s fault other than his own.”

“No, it isn’t! Disney stole the fucking spotlight and overshadowed his genius, keeping him from making millions of dollars that could’ve saved his business in the nineteen thirties!”

“Sounds just like show biz, kid.”

Sora shouldered Demyx hard, knocking him against the redhead by accident. Axel shoved him right back.

“Can you two fucking quit it? Nobody fucking cares about Walt fucking Disney.”

“Whoa.” Sora’s brows shot up. “Sorry, dude. Didn’t mean to awaken the sleeping felon in you.”

“Jesus, Axel. What’s your damage?”

“None! I’m chill.” The first word cut the wind like a knife, betraying the hard scowl that creased the redhead’s face as he stomped around through the woods in front of them.

“He’s angry because I’m a piece of work.” Roxas explained to the other two, in a lower voice to indicate secrecy, but still loud enough for Axel to hear it from the front of the line.

“No, that’s not true.” Axel sighed.

“Roxas is misbehaving?” Sora commented with a comical smirk. “What’d he do? Did he eat all the chicken? ‘Cause he does that. Watch out.”

“No, God, he didn’t do anything.” Axel looked over his shoulder, passing a glance at the blonde in the very back. “You’re fine, Roxas. It’s not you. I’m just…” He cut himself short, shaking his head. “I’m just stressed about the drive back, that’s all.”

That was fucking bullshit, but Roxas would rather be caught dead before calling him out on it. One would only give way to the other.

“You don’t like driving?” Sora asked innocently.

“No, not very much. Don’t have many fond memories of that.”

“Didn’t you say something about wanting to buy a car the other day?” Roxas chimed in with a vague memory flickering back to life, in an attempt to shift the subject to something a bit lighter than the center of Axel’s rage.

“Me?” Axel raised a brow. “I mean, I’ve been thinking about it, but… I didn’t think I told anyone.”

“Well, you told me.”

“Are you so high that you can’t even remember what you’re saying anymore?” Demyx laughed. Axel turned around and shoved him playfully this time, not even hard enough for him to bump into Sora.

“Man, shut up. Mind your damn business.”

“Can you drive a stick?” Sora jumped in again.

“Yeah, but I’m not getting a fucking stick. If I’m getting a car, I want a cool one, like a Maserati or something.”

“What? Are you delusional?”

“That was a hyperbole, you dumbass. I’ll probably end up with a Mercedes, or an Audi, or whatever. There’s no way you’ll see me driving a Maserati before I’m fifty.”

Sora passed a look down the line before staring back ahead, where the redhead led them through the woods. “Are you for real? In what world do you live in, man? I mean, have you _seen_ your apartment?”

Before Axel could answer, Demyx did it for him. “He makes more money than you think, Sora. We’re only living in a dumpster because of me. _I’m_ the poor one.”

“No, dude, that’s not how it is. We’ve talked about this.”

“Yeah, yeah, you keep telling yourself that you don’t mind living in a place where we can share rent, because it’s just around the corner from Snow, and you’re never home anyway, but I know you hate it there as much as I do. I know you’d be off living in a penthouse if it wasn’t for me.”

“Demyx, please, can we not do this right now? We’re here, and I just want to relax. Please.”

They all followed Axel through the last of the forest, and into a clearing, where a big hot spring radiated warmth and steam around this little area, fogging it up a bit, and making it look incredibly inviting. The cold winter breeze could barely sneak in through the density of the woods to get at them, so undressing in the relative warmth of the steam turned out to be less painful than it could’ve been. They dropped their clothes and towels on some rocks and stepped into the water.

“Who’s Snow?” Sora asked as they sat down in a semi-circle, with backs resting on warm stones.

“His dealer.”

“And friend.” Axel explained, then immediately changed the subject. “Hey, why are you sitting all the way over there?” His eyes were fixed on Roxas’ face, so there was no playing pretend that this wasn’t about him.

All three looked at him, but he just shrugged in response, offering nothing else. Speechless.

“C’mere.” Axel nodded at his empty side, to illustrate his point, but something on his face made Roxas doubt his intentions. It was in the dull burning of his eyes, a small flame to start the kind of fire that would have Axel kissing him breathless and pulling their bodies together in no time, and it was in the faltering smirk on his lips, so subtle, but so telling, even if the tone of his voice was as conversational as a politician’s. Roxas’ heart skipped a beat.

“No.”

Axel frowned, but it didn’t mean a thing, because the smirk on his face was far beyond subtle by now. “Aw, c’mere.”

He knew exactly what this was about, and would be a damn liar if he said that it wasn’t tempting to just slide across the spring over to Axel’s lap and crash their mouths together like they had been truthfully starved of each other all weekend. They only had a few hours before having to pack up and drive back by now, and the longer Axel’s eyes looked at him in that way, so hungry and ready to grab him by the hips and bring their bodies against one another, the more he felt himself starting to mindlessly gravitate into the redhead’s pull.

Once he got within arm’s reach, it was too late. Axel took his wrist and pulled him onto his lap, bumping their noses gently together in the process, and doing nothing to remedy that. Roxas was too entranced by the prospect of physical affection to really fight it at this point, and couldn’t do anything but fix himself to straddle Axel’s thighs while closing his eyes for the kiss that was surely about to come. Axel delivered it for him with soft lips pressed firmly to his own. God, how he had missed this. His closed eyes rolled to the back of his head.

“So are you telling me that Axel’s loaded or something? Because, honestly, that sounds like bullshit, and I’ll need a little convincing to fall for it.” Sora’s voice cut through the small rustling of the forest, but didn’t well reach Roxas’ brain, not over the favored feeling of his mouth against Axel’s, and definitely fading into part of background noise once their tongues met.

His brother and Demyx had a full on conversation about his boyfriend that he never even caught.

Uh, he meant friend. Not boyfriend, of course. Of course.

Axel’s hands grabbed his thighs in that forceful way, working on the brink of marking his skin with his fingers, but not quite, and pulled him closer, so their stomachs met. Both of his arms rested atop Axel’s shoulders as he leaned forward, kissing deeper and unashamed, reveling in the feeling of Axel’s smirk against his lips. His heart skipped a beat, and he grinned, never bringing their tongues apart. He had missed their sloppy kissing, and firm touching, and overall closeness so much for the last two days that, right now, he didn’t care about their fight. He didn’t care to understand Axel’s confusing brain, how it worked and what it thought of this, because it’d ruin the current self-indulgence that he was completely submerged in, and it felt _great_. He let Axel grab his thighs and touch his ass and kiss him hard and enjoyed every second of it.

“Should we go back?” His voice was a whisper on Axel’s skin, broken up and butchered by their fervent kissing, which didn’t need answering, because his brother and Demyx got the message without being addressed to. They might’ve been high, but they weren’t completely oblivious to their surroundings just yet.

“Hey, so, we’re gonna… You know.”

“Make ourselves scarce.”

Axel laughed in good humor as the other two left the hot spring and wrapped themselves in their towels. Roxas could feel his face boil, his cheeks scorching gaps through the skin from such monumental embarrassment. He didn’t think they were being so obvious, but glancing down at their closeness, their intentions might’ve been a little more than simply on the nose.

After their friends left, Axel leaned back on the warm stones behind himself, shifting around so the water wrapped him up to his shoulders. His sharp greens fixed themselves on Roxas’ blues with a sort of open fondness that made Roxas feel very, very safe in his presence. “We don’t have to do anything.” His voice was a soft whisper in the quietness of the forest, and Roxas wanted to kiss him. He leaned down, closer to Axel’s face, so their noses touched.

“Can we forget everything--this weekend, that time in the pool, in your room-- _everything_ , and just fuck right now?”

Axel snorted.

He leaned in, sealing their mouths together. “Please.” It was whispered into the kiss, against Axel’s tongue, and didn’t need a verbal response, because Axel brought a hand to the nape of his neck, and drew him impossibly closer.

\--

He kept touching his elbow where it hurt, where the skin had been scraped off and his flesh burned through, not deep enough to bleed, just shallow enough to sting. He rubbed his palm on the spot, over the sleeve of his jacket, while watching the moving patterns that headlights of cars driving past left against the darkness of the night, like yellow markers across the backseat window. He pinched the sleeve, and thought of the hot spring. His elbows hard on the ground, his knees hitting the warm stones, and Axel’s fingers digging into his hips, his ass, his thighs, making him scream. It had been so good, it had felt so good; Axel knew exactly what he was doing, and singlehandedly salvaged the entire weekend, because that was the only thing Roxas would remember of it. His glorious first time.

However much his entire body ached, he felt nothing but blissful warmth fill his lungs, and radiate through his veins. His knees were chafed, his thighs blossomed purple roses, and Axel’s skin stuck under his nails. He was in love.

\--

Axel kissed him on the mouth when he arrived at the club one week later.

They had all come here a multitude of times before, but this time felt different. It wasn’t the club itself, or the people around them, or any of their friends, really; it was the atmosphere between the two of them. It felt lighter, and more certain at this point, as if their relationship had gone from playdough to cement, however nameless it still remained. He rarely cared for labels, anyway; they didn’t always make things simpler.

Axel danced with wild abandon. He looked so free, and comfortable, tonight, that Roxas couldn’t help but wear a big, dumb grin on his face the whole time they were cast in bright neon patterns. They danced with each other, and apart, but never drifting away to lose themselves into the crowd. They kept within good distance.

At one point or another, Axel leaned in close. “I’ll be right back.”

“Where are you going?” He shouted in response, over the music.

Axel brought a hand to his left arm, and motioned a syringe inserting into the vein. Roxas didn’t care about the cocaine at this point; it was actually something else that caught his attention, a sort of wrapping around Axel’s forearm, made of gauze. It was tied way up, on the inside of his elbow, which threw Roxas off. He watched Axel turn and go with a whirring, despite foggy, brain that couldn’t make heads nor tails of it.

He didn’t ask about it when Axel came back. It felt like it’d be counterproductive to their good night, as if asking would ruin it or something, which was the absolute last thing that he could ever want, so instead, they went back to their dancing, solo and with each other, blending into the moving waves of the crowd, and losing themselves to the music, with hands grasped tightly together. Axel kissed his face, and stayed in-step with him until the very end.

\--

“Are you coming over?” Axel asked him when they stepped outside. The angelic look on his face betrayed the sin that dripped from his voice.

“What, to fuck?”

Axel grinned wide; he didn’t need to answer that.

“Yeah… Yeah, sure.”

\--

The bright morning shine filtered in dimly through the partially drawn curtains in Axel’s room. The sun hid behind the building at this hour, clouding his apartment in a shadow that cooled the air and iced the floors. Roxas blinked away the blur from the corner of his eyes and turned around to see the redhead in bed next to him, fully clothed, reading something on his iPad. He reached over to touch Axel’s arm for attention.

“Good morning.”

Axel glanced at him with a smile. “Hello, sunshine.”

It was only Saturday, but it felt like his vacations hadn’t ended yet. Classes had resumed last week, and he attended all of them without skipping a day, but this was different. It didn’t correlate with fact, it was only a feeling. A feeling on the hollow of his chest. It might’ve been the warm way that Axel was looking at him right now.

“I had a dream…” He frowned. What was it? The details escaped him. The memory seemed so distant now. “You were going somewhere, but I didn’t let you go. I took your wrist and pulled you back. You followed me back easily, not mad at all.”

“I was probably going somewhere dumb.”

He grinned. “Knowing you, yeah. Probably.”

He got up from the bed, took full notice of his nakedness, and decided against covering up. For now. The bathroom was just across the room, a short trip away, and it wasn’t as if he bore anything that Axel hadn’t seen or touched before, so he mustered up an impassive face, and circled the bed toward the door. Axel’s eyes followed him, but he’d never be able to confront them. He was just a feet or so from the bathroom door when Axel reached a hand toward him.

“Hey, c’mere.”

He glanced across the small distance at the redhead, stopping in his tracks. Axel’s brows creased, and his greens were focused somewhere down Roxas’ body, making his heart jump. He walked over as requested.

Axel touched his hip. “Damn…” He turned Roxas to the side a bit, scrutinizing his thighs further. It was terribly inhibiting. “I’m so sorry.”

However mortally self-conscious he felt now, he couldn’t help but glance himself down at the comment, to see what Axel saw. A few red marks on his skin from Axel’s iron grip the night before and a few scratches from Axel’s nails, but nothing bad that would outlive this afternoon, despite how much he liked seeing them in the mirror. This wasn’t _nearly_ as bad as last week, in the mountains. His elbows had healed, but his knees were still purple from the rocks.

“It’s fine, actually…” He was rather into it.

“Is it?” Axel raised him a brow.

He leaned down to kiss him in return. “Yes, it is.”

\--

“I’m sorry I don’t have the energy to cook today.” Axel spoke through a big mouthful of food. More patty in there than buns. The sight alone should look absolutely disgusting, but the twins could sympathize with his current priorities, and probably didn’t look much better, either, with half a hamburger ground into their mouths as well.

“You know, between eating all of your cereal and watching two whole movies today, I didn’t have many opportunities to consider the extraordinary fact that, out of everyone I know, you’re the better cook, and I was a guest in your house, not ten minutes ago, with the power to demand a margarine commercial worthy breakfast from you this morning, like the one we had that one time. Remember? Before Christmas, when you told us about the mountains. I didn’t know you could cook, man! I’m _still_ baffled. You had me dumb with that vegan shit you pulled last week.”

“The acorn squash?”

“Yeah, that! Demyx was all bitchy about the quinoa, and then you went and made this really good, really savory _thing_ filled with quinoa out of spite. God, that was straight up murder. And the dip! What even _was_ that?”

“Avocado, but, like, special. I don’t think you can call it guacamole, though.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t know, I’m not a professional chef, but it just doesn’t feel right to call every avocado dip guacamole.”

“Well, what’s the difference between guacamole and an avocado dip, then?” Roxas cut in from the sidelines, receiving an approving gesture from his brother. Axel sighed.

“Look, guys, I don’t _know_ , but there’s cream cheese and tomatoes and hot sauce and other shit that goes in a guacamole dip that doesn’t go in the avocado dip recipe from last week. Ingredients are different, and you prepare it different, and everything else is different. You can’t just call it one thing because of a single shared ingredient. Cake and bread don’t share the same name just because there’s flour in the mix.”

“Says the guy who claims not to be a professional chef.” Sora shot the redhead a cheeky look from across the table that actually got a smile out of him, however much it accompanied an eyeroll.

This was the most talkative that Axel had been all day. They had done nothing but lounge in his living room watching movies and flipping through channels all afternoon, and he had slept through most of it, not participating in the lively, and at times heated, conversations bouncing back and forth between the twins. That had caught their attention, because Axel was usually a very fiery person, but today he looked more beaten down and left to rot than some hospital admissions that they had seen before, so it was relieving to have him actively participate in their stupid theorizations right now, over a ridiculously big hamburger and a large Coke. Whatever rumors going around about him being a vegetarian surely had debunked themselves after today.

“So what are we doing next?” Sora asked while wiping his hands on some napkins. Axel leaned back on his seat.

“You’re going back home.”

The twins stared at him, speechless. He continued. “I’m not cutting today short because I’m tired of you two, I’m just exhausted from yesterday and I need to be alone for a while. Hope you’ll understand.”

Neither one of them could say that they were very surprised to hear that, but Roxas still found it within himself to feel bad for something that he already knew in advance from observation. He offered the redhead a sympathetic smile. “Yeah, we get it. It’s cool.”

“Thanks for the lunch and for letting me stay over.” Sora added with a grin of his own. “You’re the best.”

\--

“Hey, did you see those stitches on Axel’s arm?” Sora asked while flopping down on the spot next to him on the couch. “What happened there? I felt bad about asking because he, like, slept the whole time we were there, basically, and, I don’t know, a question like that could make him feel worse, you know? So I just kinda wondered, and didn’t say anything. Did he get into a fight, do you know?”

“I didn’t ask either, but…” It looked gnarly. Deep and violent enough to have been the result of a fight, but too thin to have been caused by a pocketknife. It was the work of a razor blade. “I don’t know. He didn’t mention it, and I didn’t ask. It was covered up last night.”

“Hm. I’ll have to ask him later, when we see him again.”


	17. Sex Hotline

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NSFW and entirely self-indulgent.

R18.A26

“Is this a bad time?” Axel sounded beyond fucked up on the phone, but he daren’t mention it. He just turned the TV down a bit.

“No, not at all, we’re just watching some cooking show. What’s up?”

“Nothing. Nothing’s up, I just… I miss you. Can you come down?”

“What?”

“Come down here. I’m on the sidewalk.”

He was stricken dumb, silent for a second. “Uh… Um. Come up instead. I’ll call the guy to let you in.”

“No, that’s not good. That’s not a good thing to do, Roxas. Your mother’s in there.”

“She’s asleep. It’s three in the morning.”

“No… Fuck.”

“Cross the patio and take the elevator. Ninth floor, on the left.”

“No, no, that’s not… That’s not smart.”

“Just come up here; I’m _not_ coming down to see you.”

Axel groaned on the other end.

\--

The elevator doors slid open to reveal a very displeased redhead behind it, and the first thing he said to Roxas after walking into the hallway was, “This is not a good idea.”

Roxas grinned, and pushed himself off the wall to meet him halfway for a kiss. “Just keep your voice down, and it’ll be fine.”

Inside, Sora waved at the redhead from the couch, being responded with a wave in return. Roxas carefully closed the front door behind them.

“Nice place, pretty spacious. I can’t believe she never invited me over.”

“Why are you here?” Sora asked him curtly, without intention of being so. Fortunately for him, Axel didn’t seem to take notice of it. High as a kite.

“Roxas wouldn’t come down. I know this is bad, but he left me no choice. He thinks this is a game or something.”

“No, I don’t. You’re fine in here. What did you want to see me for?”

“Um.” Axel paused, eyes going wide. He glanced across the room at the brunette, then looked back at Roxas. “No reason. I told you I missed you, is all.”

Sora raised a brow. “Wait. Was that a booty call?”

Axel brought his palms up as his only act to defend himself. “I mean…”

Roxas could feel his cheeks heating up. He didn’t know why he had thought any different; when his brother put it that way, the call’s intentions suddenly turned out to be a little more than simply evident. He took Axel by the hand. “Come on, let’s talk in my room.”

“Hey, have fun talking.” Sora’s dumb grin split his face from ear to ear, and being so visibly high, Axel couldn’t keep a straight face at it. At the very least, he didn’t laugh, which was Roxas’ only consolation.

Axel followed him down the hallway and into his shared room with Sora, taking a second to glance long and hard at their mother’s bedroom door five feet away, before going in behind him. He did his best to close the door behind himself without much noise, and was surprisingly successful at it. “She’s sleeping across the hall?” He asked, walking further in and removing his jacket.

“Yeah.” Roxas took a seat on the edge of his single bed, and let his eyes follow Axel’s movements, the careless tossing of his jacket on the writing desk and the swift removal of his black shirt afterwards. He swallowed.

“You’ll be quiet, yeah?”

His brows shot up to his hairline. Words got lost in his throat as his blues trailed Axel’s chest down, taking in the tattoos over chiseled muscles, the olive skin bathed in moonlight, and stopping on the front of his pants. He blinked, and looked up to meet with a pair of sharp greens fixed on him, predatory. He closed his legs. “Sure.”

Axel kneeled down in front of him, and met his face with a kiss that hit like a brick, hard enough to push him back. He grabbed Axel’s shoulders to stay upright, but felt himself being pushed down anyway, and decided against fighting it. Axel laid him down and kissed him hard. He tasted of whiskey and something sweet, which was a different take on alcoholism for him, but Roxas wasn’t in a very auspicious situation to put any further thought into this; his mind quickly scattered when Axel’s hands slipped past his waistband. Not a second wasted. Axel closed a hand around his cock and stroked it, pulling it out of his boxers, letting the tip slap his firm stomach on every upstroke. He muffled the surprise into Axel’s mouth, as well as his continuous appreciation, and dug blunt nails into his shoulders.

Axel kept a steady wrist, making his legs quiver, and his body shudder, all the while drinking his embarrassing vocals in, until randomly deciding that that was good enough, and it was done for now. He very abruptly let go of Roxas’ cock, kissed him in parting, and moved up to tower before him. Two hands pulled Roxas’ boxers down and to the floor before relocating to his own belt, undoing the front of his pants as dexterously as his scrambled brain allowed him to. Roxas watched him more intently than he cared to admit, while worming out of his own shirt, and pawing it aside. Axel pulled his pants down, and his mouth went dry. This happened every single time.

Axel laid down above him again, to kiss him hard on the lips, clinking their teeth together as their bodies met in the middle, and his cock was sandwiched between them. He groaned, Axel thrust once against his stomach in response, and he groaned again, into his mouth, grabbing his hair with two hands. Axel smirked against his lips, with a tongue on his palate and cock hot on his navel, thrusting into it, into his body, making him spread his thighs wider. Axel had the audacity to hum something delicious into their kiss, his voice sending vibrations into Roxas’ mouth and down his body as a shiver, so he tightened the grip on red hair, and kissed with enough lechery to bruise. Axel bared his teeth and groaned, tensing his stomach, letting Roxas feel it against his own. His bottom lip slipped from between Axel’s teeth as he pushed himself up again, reaching for his pants with a hand. Roxas watched him pull out a condom with dread cooling his veins.

“Hey… Hey.” He took Axel’s forearm, accidentally denting it with his nails. Axel glanced at him. “Can we… Uh. Um. You don’t have anything, do you?”

Axel knit his brows. “No, why?” He straightened himself up to put the condom on, so Roxas deftly swiped it from his hand.

“Can we go without it this time?”

“No barebacking. Give it here.” Axel reached for the package, but Roxas seized it in a tight fist. His heart was pounding out of his chest.

“Just this time, just once. Please.” He brought his hand closer to his chest when Axel made for it again. “Please, Axel, the plastic hurts me. Um, a little.” His cheeks flared up from his own words, as if only registering them a second too late, and Axel noticed that, with eyes wide. He gave up trying to take the condom back, looking to be on the brink of resignation by now, so Roxas gave him an extra push to go the distance. His voice ebbed while he spoke. “Besides, I bet you feel… So good… Without it.”

Axel set his jaw, but didn’t do anything right away, simply glanced Roxas down in the ravenous fashion that had his cock twitching and his cheeks pulsing, embarrassed from how openly Axel desired him. It made him feel good, despite himself. He smiled sheepishly in response to it.

“Well?”

Axel shut his eyes and sighed, successfully converted. He reached for the lube instead. “Fine. Fuck.” He popped it open and coated his own palm with its contents, going for his cock next, stroking it slick while discarding the bottle aside. Roxas watched him unabashedly, his own body aching for the next step, thighs trembling and breath hitching in anticipation. He threw the condom carelessly over the edge of the bed, giving it no further thought as Axel lowered himself back down above him.

Axel’s face was pressed against the side of his own when the head of his cock pushed in, making them both shiver, and grab onto each other in any way they could. Axel groaned on the spot just before his ear, with breath hot on his skin while pushing in further, one hand firm on the underside of Roxas’ thigh as the other braced the mattress for balance. His legs quivered from it, and his stomach felt as if bursting into flames from how warm he felt inside, scalding to the touch, filled up with scorching iron. Axel pushed, and stopped, allowing them both a breath before really picking it up. His hand found the shaft of Roxas’ cock as he pulled out, and Roxas’ eyes closed from the anticipation, barely keeping it together long enough for the best part to begin. His nails sunk into the shoulders above him when Axel pushed in again.

Axel’s hips picked up a heavy pace while his wrist stroked Roxas in tempo, making him groan with his head thrown back, pushing against the softness of the mattress. His legs closed around Axel’s waist, locked by the ankles that dug into the low of his back without him minding it. The bed threatened to move underneath them, shaking from their piled weight, but standing inert in ultimatum. Axel kissed his neck open-mouthed, panting, and making a mess as their bodies pushed against one another. The hand tightly working Roxas’ shaft felt too good, too good when accompanied with the thrusting of Axel’s hips, buried inside him, and he couldn’t help color from rising to his cheeks, minimal sounds escaping from his throat. Waves of hedonism shot up his spine, arching him off the mattress with vocalized gratitude. Axel was quick to seal their lips together and shush him breathless.

His hand found Axel’s hair, lost itself in it, and held him down for a delicious, however badly rehearsed and sloppy, kiss, as their bodies pushed and slid against each other. Axel thrust into him shallow and hard, his hips a steady pendulum that had Roxas’ brows creasing and his toes curling, squeezing the broad frame above him tight between his thighs, and scarred under his nails. He bit his lip when Axel picked up the speed, barely holding back an embarrassing whine.

“Can I tell you something?” Axel was breathless, panting heavier the harder their hips started to meet.

He moaned, candid and careless. “Yes.”

“I think…” Axel paused to fill up his lungs. “I think I love you.”

His world was toppled upside-down, spinning a blurry mess right before his eyes from a handful of meaningless words thrown to the void. A shudder ran down his spine, making his entire body tremble something fierce as his hands grabbed Axel’s shoulders like a lifeline, digging nails into his back, and stopping himself just short of breaking right down. His teeth drew blood from his own bottom lip, and the deep crease in his brow hurt his forehead. In juxtaposition, Axel looked beautiful above him, angelic even, with bright greens shining down on him, and a perfectly unconcerned face that held the shadow of a smile on it. His chest burned.

“You’re high.” He choked out.

Axel scoffed out a laugh, then leaned further down to trace his jaw with kisses. “So what?” He murmured on Roxas’ earlobe, cheeky with a smile, dragging lips across his skin and sinking fingers into the meat of his thigh. The harder the thrusts became, the worse Roxas got at keeping silent, like he was supposed to. His chest heaved, his hands trembled, and when Axel angled his hips, a low moan escaped him, eyes rolling back. The world was dark, and his body was ablaze. Axel grabbed him by the shoulder for leverage, holding onto him with an iron grip.

“Say it again.”

He didn’t need his eyes open to _hear_ the grin in Axel’s voice. “I love you.”

His throat closed, strangling something down with it, as his brain threatened to shut down. He didn’t know if he was about to cum, cry, or asphyxiate to death, but he couldn’t breathe, couldn’t speak, and only felt hotter, hotter, hotter with every passing second, every thrust deeper. He grabbed onto Axel’s back, feeling the maimed skin under his palms, probably sensitive and burning, of his own making, and a price that he didn’t pay to keep himself afloat. His chest constricted, and he choked on a sob. He bit his lip hard to keep it from wobbling, the taste of copper overtaking his palate.

Axel kissed the corner of his mouth, and closed a fist around his cock again, starting to pump it in time with his own hips. He groaned, moaned, and arched off the bed, with the last thing on his mind being any type of silence, which granted him a heavy palm across his mouth, muffling everything that dared escape him. The grip on his jaw was so strong that the fingertips digging into his cheeks hurt, and he couldn’t well breathe like this, which should’ve upset him, but he’d be lying to say that it did. The way Axel so firmly held him down was hotter than he cared to admit it. His hands clawed at Axel’s arm out of instinct, as a first reaction, and accidentally got at the stitches poking out of his skin. Axel hissed, and bared his teeth, brows in a scowl that looked so good on him that Roxas was glad to have a firm hand stopping him from being heard so loud.

He wouldn’t last long like this.

Axel’s hips snapped against his hard, the fist on his cock squeezed tight on the upstroke, and all he could do was arch off the bed and draw blood from the big body above him, absolutely useless otherwise, aware of it, but unable to remedy it. Axel huffed and groaned in the space between them, not the epitome of silence himself but quieter than Roxas would’ve been without being shut down, and even in the addictive haze of sex and drugs, still had enough of a mind left to read the telltale squirms and twists of Roxas’ impending orgasm. He was glad for that, unable to say it outloud due to circumstance, and had every whimper and every moan muffled on Axel’s palm that deliciously crushed his face. It got worse when Axel pulled out to cum, fingertips digging in as if trying to get at the jawbone, before letting go of his face entirely, allowing him breath. His lungs had never been filled so deeply before.

Axel panted heavily above him through the afterglow, then moved up to his feet, to do his pants and put his shirt back on. Roxas watched him from the bed for a while, with an aching jaw and bruised skin, feeling sticky and messy everywhere, empty enough now to be considered a hollowed out vessel. He sat up and reached for some Kleenex, to wipe himself down while harboring the incorrect idea of forgoing a shower, when Axel stopped in front of him. His eyes looked up in time to catch the redhead pressing a big kiss to his cheek, holding the other side of his face with a hand. He pushed Axel halfheartedly away with a bright smile peering through. Axel grinned in the way that lit his face up and brought a soft glow to his features, then saw himself to the bedroom door. He pulled it open, but stopped just short of leaving, to glance back at Roxas.

“I meant that, you know.” Axel’s voice was mellow with feeling, spoken as their eyes held onto each other for just a little bit longer. Roxas didn’t have what to say in response, and let him walk out without another word.

\--

He sobbed, hiding his entire face on his pillow as not to wake Sora up. His chest felt heavy with grief, and his hands trembled, despite clutching to the corners of the pillow in a desperate attempt at holding onto something, anything to keep himself from drowning. He breathed in sharp through his teeth, choking on a sob caught in his throat. Sora rustled in his bed across the room.

“Roxas…” Sora spoke in a soft tone, however raspy it sounded from sleep. “What’s wrong?”

He sniffled, pulling himself up from the pillow to wipe at his face and breathe. No point in trying to hide away now.

“Did Axel… Did he do something to you?” Sora asked in the second he took to compose himself, or at least loosely attempt to. He shook his head.

“No, he… He said that he loves me.”

“What?”

“He said that he loves me, but he was high, and drunk, and we were fucking, and he made a big point of letting me know that he meant it, but he won’t even remember it tomorrow morning. He won’t.” His voice broke midway through, and tears dripped from his eyes, but he didn’t care to wipe them at this point, not when so many more followed. “I wish he hadn’t said a thing.”

He couldn’t see it in the dark, but he knew the soft face that Sora was making at him far too well. “Hey… Hey, maybe it’s not all bad. Maybe he won’t remember, but it doesn’t mean that what he said wasn’t true. If anything, he loved you in that moment. I think it’s better than never at all.”

\--

“Guys, my sister’s throwing a slumber party this Friday, and she’s inviting two friends, so my mom said that I can invite two friends to sleepover, too. What do you think?”

The twins grinned.

They had been to Namine’s house before, back in high school when they needed a red herring for their mother to not worry over their whereabouts, imagining them safely tucked in by ten p.m. when, in reality, they were deep into a grimy club downtown that hadn’t ID’d them, so walking in through the front door was more of a throwback than a surprise. They dropped their bags on the couch and dragged a couple of mattresses to the living room, to watch television and gossip over pizza. They were just finishing up the order on Namine’s phone when her sister emerged from the kitchen, a delicious scent trailing behind her, and causing them to reconsider takeout.

“Are you guys eating with us? We’re making a special dinner for the occasion.”

“What’s the occasion?” Sora asked. His question made Kairi grin wide, as if glad about it, while Namine only shook her head with a smile on her lips.

“That’s a very personal question, because I believe today is a special day to everyone for different reasons. Maybe you’re celebrating a new friend that you just made, and maybe someone in Thailand is celebrating a promotion, and maybe someone in Mali just got married. I’m celebrating today for being.”

“Huh, very poetic. You know it’s alright to treat yourself everyday, right? You don’t have to make up excuses to have a nice dinner and spend time with good friends.”

Kairi’s grin became sweeter. “Yeah, I know, but I like to keep in mind that life extends beyond myself. So do you guys like risotto?”

The three of them gave her their blessings, and watched her walk back to the kitchen, closing the door behind herself. There was talk muffled in there, two feminine voices and a masculine one, but they couldn’t well make out what they were saying all over each other and in the middle of spurts of laughter, so they decided to leave the others be, and went back to their own business. Namine canceled the order on her phone.

“Is your sister a Buddhist or something?” Roxas asked her innocently. He hadn’t met Kairi before tonight, only heard of her from his friend, always having imagined her to be the cool older sister that was far too popular to hang out with the younger crowd. She was only two years older than them, but the age gap had somehow always felt larger. He had no concept of older or younger siblings since all he ever had was a twin.

“No, she’s just a fancy pants who likes to look good in front of people. She donates to charity to feel good about herself and speaks up about the rights of the oppressed for the praise, but isn’t a real activist and doesn’t go out of her way to help those in need. If anything, she’s just an hedonist, and her moral compass might be questionable, but she’s still doing good in the world, so she’s alright in my book, even if I don’t always agree with her.”

“Would you say she’s PC to get laid, but nuanced?” Sora added with a playful grin, that had Namine grinning as well.

“I guess. You’ll understand better what I mean when you meet her friend Riku. He’s the real deal, and the source of all of her progressive knowledge. I don’t get why he hangs with a phony like her, but that’s not my tea.”

They did understand exactly what she meant over dinner, when they had the chance to better meet Kairi’s friends. The three in the kitchen walked out with big and steamy trays in hand to be served, her friend Riku on the front, and her other, mysterious friend on the back. Roxas’ jaw dropped when he saw Xion stepping out from behind the other two, holding what looked to be a big plate of fancy sardines with sliced lime on top. He later learned that the fish was actually whitebait, and tasted better than he thought it would.

“Xion, you’re Kairi’s friend?”

Her face went beet red, kind of adorable. “Yes, we took social studies together last semester.”

Social studies… _Kairi_ was the social studies girl that Xion was in love with? This bit of news was as eye opening as it felt tragic, for whatever reason. He recalled brief stories told by Namine of her sister’s past boyfriends, but couldn’t remember any about a girlfriend. It wasn’t fair nor accurate to assume Kairi’s sexuality based on past partners, but it still felt like the fairytale in Xion’s head wouldn’t have a happy ending.

The talk over dinner was comprised of social justice. Both Riku and Kairi were people of very strong personalities, and both were passionate about the doings and sayings of singular people that they knew in common, painting stereotypical examples of the group that those persons were a part of, and represented, whenever they did or said anything in public. That seemed to be a very big deal to the two of them, and ended up being the main topic of the entire evening.

Riku was a big feminist, and spokesperson for gay rights, which was easily noticeable in the way that he dressed, and spoke about the world. Roxas wasn’t quite sure how to box his style in two words, but if he had to try, he’d say it was closer to being a sort of pastel punk than anything else that he knew, however nuanced. For one, Riku didn’t wear any black. His shirt was white, his skinny jeans were light blue, his shoes bore random spurts of color on them, as if having been the accident of an artist’s studio, and the sleeveless jacket that he had on the coat hanger was light pink and filled with pins and patches advocating equal rights. He wore a few bracelets on his wrist, which he explained to be charity tokens from trustworthy sources, and apparently had full collections of those at home, but only wore a couple at a time, as he saw fit. Everything that came out of his mouth had very obviously been thoroughly researched, always coming from a high moral ground that almost made the others on the table feel sheepish sitting next to him, as if in the presence of a higher, and better person than mere mortals like the rest of them. This wasn’t at all the angle that Riku seemed to want to come from, but it was absolutely what Kairi wanted out of it.

The more Kairi talked, the more both twins understood what Namine had meant earlier about her. She leeched off of Riku’s higher ground, and wormed her way up there beside him, with comments that jabbed at others who stood morally below her, using social critiques as excuses to do it righteously. Whereas Riku believed in the good of the people and potential growth of society, Kairi didn’t much care for that, and had better fun by prodding at it. She was very well spoken and smart, though, able to cover up her true intentions masterfully, which would’ve worked on the twins if they didn’t already know what she was really about. Still, her social savvy was impressive. She could work any regular chump to feed her superiority complex without much effort.

It was crystal clear, from the interactions between Riku and Kairi, that they had been good friends for a while, whereas Xion was only in the middle because of her massive crush on the redhead. She was part of their regular conversations, but a lot of her input only existed to get some attention from Kairi in the first place, while the rest of the time was spent staring lovingly at her face. It was almost sad to watch.

When nighttime rolled by, sleeping arrangements were made for the guests, because they didn’t all fit into two bedrooms. Both Namine and Kairi could only fit one mattress on the floor by their beds, so two guests would be left to sleep in the living room. The twins volunteered for it, since they already shared a room back home, which left Riku with Kairi, and Xion with Namine. Watching Xion follow Namine into her bedroom gave Roxas an idea, but he didn’t act on it just yet. He’d let it brew for a while longer before making any life changing decisions about his two good friends.

“Riku is fucking hot. Did you see how tight his shirt was? He’s fucking ripped. God, I need him.” Sora spoke casually, as if this were any conversational topic out there and not something borderline predatory on the guy just down the hall from them. He made his bed, or, actually, mattress, with the face of a person who clearly didn’t hear themselves speak.

“Um, he could hear you, you know.”

“I hope he does. I hope he comes in here and rips my clothes off, too.”

“Yeah, maybe… Not.”

They flicked the lights off and laid down to catch some sleep, but it was still a little early for that, which gave Roxas a good and long hour and a half of his brother thirsting out loud for some buff PC guy who clearly deserved better than him. Someone who shared his passion for social justice and every progressive activism in existence, not only desired his body for the pleasures of the flesh. That wasn’t Roxas’ business, though, and he tried not to get dragged into Sora’s embarrassing comments, but that was difficult to do when his brother was speaking directly at him.

They heard a door open at some point into the night, and footsteps approach down the hallway. That was enough to shut them both up immediately, and crane their necks to see who had broken captivity. To Sora’s luck, it was his walking desire. For a second, Roxas thought Riku had heard their whole discussion, and was now coming over to defend himself and beat the two of them into an ethical pulp, but the guy just went into the kitchen for some water. That, however, sparked an idea in Sora’s mischievous brain.

“I’ll be right back.” He whispered hastily before gunning for the hallway bathroom. Roxas watched him with nothing more than passive curiosity.

Riku soon walked out with his full glass of water, turned off the kitchen light, and started back down the hall to Kairi’s room. Just as he was passing by the bathroom door, Sora walked out, bumped into him, and spilled water all over the two of them. Roxas could barely believe that a shitty trope like this from bad romcom movies worked like intended.

“Oh, my God, I’m so sorry!”

“No, no, it’s fine. My fault.” Riku set the glass down on a decorative piece, and wiped himself down with a hand. He looked _very_ interesting in a wet, white, practically see-through shirt.

Sora had no interest to hide just how obviously he was ogling the dude’s chest and pecs, and out of the two of them, Roxas was the only one who felt the awful secondhand embarrassment from all the way to the living room. The worst part was that Riku noticed the hard staring, too. The _surprising_ part was that he seemed to like it. Unbelievable.

“I guess you’ll have to take your shirt off or you’ll get hypothermia.” Sora’s voice was flirty, his smile cheeky and sweet. Roxas felt sick.

“It’s pneumonia.” Riku corrected, looking to have found this far more endearing than it really was, taking the bait as scripted to happen. Sora’s face was perfectly angelic, all rosy-cheeked and innocent. He knew how to play his cards well.

“Right.” Sora’s eyes dropped back down to Riku’s stomach, watching him reach for the hem of his shirt and actually peel it off overhead. He smirked. “You’re right.”

Roxas couldn’t deny just how effectively that caught his attention all of a sudden.

Riku dropped his shirt on the decorative piece, by the half-empty glass, with hungry eyes fixed on Sora. It was shocking to see such a familiar look on somebody else. “What are we really standing here for, huh?”

Sora grinned up at him, taking a step closer to touch Riku’s abs with a hand, trail his fingertips on pale skin. He looked very white to Roxas’ eyes, even under the soft yellow glow of the uplighters, but that was probably just because he was so used to seeing Axel’s olive and heavily inked body in a scenario like this.

“To have fun?” Sora’s answer was as cheeky as he looked to be, and must’ve been the right one, too, because Riku leaned down to kiss him right after.

That was when Roxas turned around and stopped watching. He heard the bathroom door swing open and closed and decided to plug his earphones in, just in case.

\--

Sora came back beaming, bright and light, with a skip to his step, as if rebranded as a whole new person. Roxas barely recognized him.

“That was the best dick I’ve ever had.”

“Gross, spare me the details.”

“I’m serious, Roxas.” His twin laid down on his assigned mattress, shifting around to cover himself up comfortably. “I think I found the one.”

“You’ve known him for three hours.”

“And it only took me twenty minutes to know his dick was made for me.”

“Ugh.” He covered his head with a pillow, and brought his phone up to his face, so maybe his brother would stop talking to him. No dice.

“You know, I don’t think I’ve ever told you this, but whenever you feel alone in this universe, it’s important to remember that someone walking this Earth has a dick of the perfect shape and size, made by Evolutionary Science only to make _you_ see stars. It’s true, gay scientists all over the world are talking about it, and I just found my One.”

“I’m… Happy for you, I guess.” He felt more nausea than actual happiness at the moment, but no matter. His phone’s screen lit up with an incoming call to save him the trouble. He sat up to answer it. “Hello?”

“Hey, baby. Are you busy right now?” He could imagine Axel tripping over his own feet from how drunk he fucking sounded.

“No, I can talk.”

“Is that Booty Call Aulicus?” Sora smirked at him from inside his tuckered in cocoon. Roxas rolled his eyes, ignoring the comment.

“Cool, are you home?”

“No, we’re at Namine’s house for a sleepover.”

“Oh. Like, for real?”

“Yeah, for once not as an excuse.”

“Can I come over?”

He sighed. “I don’t know, everyone’s asleep… Maybe if you go around to the back I can meet you on the porch.”

“What’s the address?”

He spelled out the name of the street and gave the redhead as many landmarks and easy directions to follow as he could, before bidding him goodbye and hanging up. He dropped his phone on the mattress and flopped back down next to it, feeling as boneless as a ragdoll. Sora gave him a look.

“Watch out, Roxas.”

“For what?”

“This thing that you have with him. I mean, is he even paying you for your good service?”

“Fuck you.”

Sora snickered. “No, but, seriously. Don’t let him take advantage of you.”

“I’m not.”

“Okay, I’m just saying. You don’t have to be his easy fuck just because he’s handsome and charming and the hottest thing I’ve ever seen in my life, you know? You’re a human being with feelings, not a cheap prostitute. Even _they_ can deny service.”

“What makes you think I don’t want him to come over?”

“Oh, I don’t know. Let’s see here… You bawled your eyes out after last time, and you couldn’t have sounded more stale on the phone just now.”

“Okay, first of all, _that_ wasn’t because of the sex, it was because he was being an asshole, and second of all, I’m happy to hear from him, I just wish he wasn’t so fucked up every time."

“Why, does his performance get worse?”

“No, I just…” He shrugged. This wasn’t worth discussing tonight.

“Does it make you feel used? Like he was raving all night, getting high, having fun, not thinking about you at all, until the party’s over, and he’s horny now, and only _then_ remembers you exist, because you’re nothing but convenient for him?”

Yes. “Fuck you.”

“Hey, I’m not saying he thinks like this. I’m not saying he’s _doing_ this, but it sure gives off the wrong impression, doesn’t it?”

“Can you shut up? I just want to fuck him without thinking about anything tonight, so be quiet for once in your life. Stop making me feel bad for this.”

“You know that whatever you’re feeling isn’t my fault, but, sure. I’ll take one for the team and leave you alone.” Sora ended the conversation very pointedly, picking up his phone for emphasis.

Roxas got up from the mattress and put on some pants, boots, and his coat, ready to meet with the redhead outside, since there was no chance in Hell that he’d ever let the guy into somebody else’s house. He fiddled with his phone for the few minutes it took Axel to show up behind the sliding glass doors, waving at him with a big grin plastered on his face and the enthusiasm of a child. Axel did the same for Sora when their eyes met, and received a lively wave back as Roxas got up to slide the door open.

Axel showered him in kisses the moment he took one step outside, making it difficult for him to finish doing the same for the rest of his body. He had to push Axel back while two hands cupped his face, and Axel kissed his mouth repeatedly, not budging to make space for him at all. He was stuck on the door frame, halfway onto the porch, and halfway still in the living room, which was bad, but decidedly not worse than hearing Sora giggle from the mattress.

“God, you’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.” Axel said, pausing the kissing enough for it. He took the opportunity and shoved the redhead back to make enough room for himself to join him outside.

“Shut up, don’t say stuff like that.” He spoke with a slight frown, sliding the glass door shut behind himself. Axel gave him a look.

“Why not? It’s true.” Axel leaned down to kiss him again, and he couldn’t find it within himself to turn his face away.

“Well, I don’t like to hear it.”

Axel kissed along his jawline, running both hands down his back, to his waist. He pulled Roxas close. “Do you want me to talk dirty instead?”

His eyes shut closed despite himself. “You’re just here to fuck, aren’t you?”

Axel paused, then slowly leaned away from his face. Both hands still held him close, arms fastened around his waist, as their eyes met. His pupils were blown wide from the cocaine in his bloodstream, but he still managed to look sheepish under partial moonlight. “Well, we can stand around and talk, if you want to. That’s fine.”

He glanced briefly over his shoulder, to see Sora watching them from the other side of the glass. The synapses running his brain were so fast in response to that that he barely thought about it before grabbing Axel by the lapels of his leather jacket and pulling him aside, hidden from view. “No.” He murmured between them, as they clumsily walked together over to the brick wall by the door, his back finding it first. “Let’s just fuck.” He pulled Axel down for a kiss, reaching up to meet him halfway. Axel boxed him in with both hands on the wall.

The kiss was messy, Axel was far too over the edge to help it, and deep inside, he found that to be endearing. He _liked_ it, he liked anything that Axel ever did to him, which was completely embarrassing, but he didn’t care. He grabbed Axel by the neck, feeling the Adam’s apple bob under his thumb as their tongues lapped at one another and made a mess out of their lips, their breathing, their heart rate, something devine. Axel’s hands slid down the wall, down to the front of his pants, undoing it pronto. His hips bucked forward of their own accord, unashamed, when Axel slipped a hand into his boxers to stroke his cock. He moaned into the kiss, muffled by Axel’s tongue, and had his body pressed back against the wall in reply, an open palm firm on his chest. Axel’s hand squeezed his cock tight, swiping a thumb over the slit, and around the crown, pumping him slow just to tease. He whined low, feeling his brows crease upwards as his hands grabbed Axel tighter, a balled up fist into his jacket and a sure grip on his neck. Axel grinned in response to it.

“Is that a kink or something?” Axel mumbled against his lips, seizing the bottom one in between his teeth to tug at it. That arrogant grin on his face looked far too fucking good on him.

“No.” Roxas spoke in a hushed whisper before crashing their mouths together again, pulling Axel close by the neck. He kissed that gorgeous grin off while the fist on his cock stroked him faster, pushing his legs to part on their own. He sighed and moaned down Axel’s throat, feeling his legs tremble and his stomach tense, his body engulfed in scorching indulgence. Axel squeezed him a few times more before letting go of his cock completely, and bringing both hands to push his pants down. He broke the kiss while at it.

“Turn around.”

His face heat up in embarrassment, but he did as told, bracing both palms on the brick wall once it was in front of him. A fleeting thought of being caught out here, or observed by the neighbors, crossed his mind, but being this turned on, and this hard, the risks didn’t seem more important than getting off right now. In truth, not much seemed more important than getting off right now.

He felt Axel’s hand grab his ass, fingertips digging into the soft flesh as he spread it. His eyes shut closed instantly, his entire body trembling in anticipation, his feet pretty much on tiptoes at this point. Axel touched the entrance with two digits, and he bit his lip, feeling the cold fingers push in with rather ease. Two knuckles deep, scissoring him open, avoiding his prostate on purpose. He groaned, his brows creasing hard upward, his hands closed in fists against the wall. Axel pushed in and out, making him tremble, grabbing his ass harder. It felt fucking good to have his fingers in so deep, working a hard pace inside him, brushing on his prostate every other push now just to get that jolt out of him. He rested his forehead on the wall, his body pushing back against Axel’s fingers out of instinct, trying to get them impossibly deeper, already feeling slack like jelly. He panted and his cheeks burned, glad to be facing nothing but a wall.

Axel pushed a third finger in, going straight for the prostate, and making his entire self, body and soul, shudder and moan. He arched back from that, and nearly headbutted Axel in the face. He heard Axel quickly shift behind him with a laugh, leaning back close to press a kiss to his temple. The color of his cheeks only got worse.

“Were you good this last week?” Axel whispered into his ear, sending shivers through his skin. He spread his legs further, without even realizing it.

“What do you mean?”

“Did you fuck anybody else?”

He bit his lip, eyes shut closed. “No.”

The fingers angled to hit his prostate, pushing on it so good that his legs trembled and his cock dripped. The sound that escaped him in response was more akin to an embarrassing whimper than a supposed moan, and repeated itself the more Axel pressed onto that spot, bringing him damn near the edge like this. He hid his face on the crook of his arm, whining something awful.

“Good.” Axel murmured before kissing his neck, and removing all fingers from him. His cheeks pumped red in his face; panting and gasping, he felt empty.

Axel grabbed his hip with a strong hand and held it in position, so he could meet it with his own. The head of his cock soon pushed in, followed by a good portion of the shaft that had Roxas muffling a low moan on the lip seized between his teeth. He arched back slower this time, and rested the back of his head on Axel’s shoulder, as Axel began to thrust into him. Gentle at first, maybe as a reward for something, with hands firm on his hips, fingers sinking into the flesh in the painful way that he knew would leave a lovely bruise for later. He wanted to kiss him, thank him, canonize him for the sweet, sweet, delicious intermingling of sensations running through his body, and brought a hand to the nape of Axel’s neck for it, trying to pull him down. Axel, devoted angel, complied, pressing their mouths hard together into a kiss that was as much lip as it was teeth. Axel wasn’t biting to bruise this time, only to please, but, honestly, he loved either. He loved everything.

He muffled his voice on Axel’s tongue as the hips behind him started to pick up the pace, and really thrust into him now. He staggered forward some, glad to have the wall right under his fist for support, keeping him on his feet with a braced hand. Axel ran a palm flat up his stomach, under his shirt, surely feeling his muscles tense up under the warmth of his skin, all the way up to his neck. A gust of wind swept under his shirt and made him shiver, his heart beat faster, his cock feel cold, _freezing_. He panted, bringing his free hand down to his cock, closing around it, but not stroking, fingers only rubbing over the head. Axel groped his chest and stomach some more, before sliding that palm back down to his hip bone, and further down to his inner thigh. Axel’s cold hands made him shudder.

His spine hurt, his entire body ached by now, so he broke their kiss, and leaned closer to the wall, his forehead resting against his own wrist. Axel used that to angle their hips, pulling him up to his tiptoes with hands painfully firm on his hip and thigh, so their bodies met better, smoother now, reaching him way deeper than before. Axel’s cock brushed on his prostate every other thrust, and he couldn’t help the boiling heat in his lower stomach. This was the perfect recipe for him to cum under five minutes.

“Fuck.” He breathed into his own arm, fingers grabbing onto the bricks on the wall for any sort of balance as his legs threatened to give. He listened to Axel huff and groan behind him, making his cock twitch in his own hand, dripping precum through his fingertips. He squeezed himself, but only once, before letting go completely, and bracing the wall with two forearms. He knew that, if he kept a hand down there, he wouldn’t resist the rapidly growing urge to touch himself, and cut their moment far too short. The way Axel was thrusting into him right now reached so deep, and felt so good, making his whole body tremble, drawing so many sweet sounds out of him, that he’d like it to go on for as long as he could take it, even if it meant torturing himself.

Axel’s firm hands pulled his hips further up, to meet his own something violent, catching his prostate square on as a result of it, and making him actually scream. His head was so misty that it didn’t even occur to him to shut his fucking mouth, as not to wake the neighbors, but even if he was entirely mindful of that, Axel’s cock stroking his prostate like this would never have reaped his silence. Axel shushed him from behind, which had him biting his own hand in response, the harder their hips met, and the more moans bubbled in the back of his throat, begging to come up, making it impossible to keep quiet very well. His lower stomach tensed, as if tied by a knot, and he knew he wouldn’t last much longer than this.

Axel hoisted one of his legs up off the floor, pretty much carrying the entirety of his lower half, because his legs were as good as nothing at this point, so shaky it was embarrassing to call them his own. Axel leaned in closer, chest touching the back of his jacket, making him miss the warmth of the redhead’s body out here in the cold, both of them completely covered up, save for what mattered. He reached down and grabbed Axel’s hand, which was already fingertips deep into the flesh of his thigh, but he held onto the back of it anyway, for what sliver of contact he could get. The more Axel thrusted into him, the further he inched to the edge, cutting it terribly close to toppling over with every snap of the hip. He was holding himself back as much as he could, already embarrassed beforehand to be the first to cum, as it always seemed to be the case. His cock leaked down the shaft, his body trembled and shivered and he only got worse at keeping quiet. Everything felt so damn good, so warm and ready to go over the edge, that he could’ve fucking cried. Axel kissed his neck.

“You feel so fucking good.” The whisper was low, barely audible, as Axel kissed his skin some more, so delicate and loving that it drew a sob out of him. He hid his burning face on the crook of his elbow.

“I’m close.” It was all he could manage to whimper out in a situation like this, since every single cell in his body focused on trying to _not_ cum, _not cum_ , drag this on, keep it going. Axel smirked against his throat.

“I know.” Axel kissed his neck again, letting go of his thigh to take his hand. He squeezed it like his life depended on it. “Cum, Roxas.”

Those felt like magic words. The instant they rang in his ears, he sunk his nails into the back of Axel’s hand and allowed his body to let go, shudder and shiver and tense up as the orgasm hit in waves, hit _hard_ , making him cry out and whimper with his face buried on his inner elbow. Their hips crashed systematically through the waves, causing them to multiply down his body and draw out his climax in spurts. His mind went completely blank, his knees buckled underneath himself, and all he could do was breathe, and gasp, and whine. If it wasn’t for Axel holding him up this whole time, his ass would’ve met hardboard. He couldn’t stop his body from shivering, or his legs from twitching, the whole way through, until he was completely spent. He felt as weak as paper.

Axel kissed the nape of his neck and stepped back to pull out. That, for some reason, awakened a wild panic from deep within himself, that had his heart dipped in panicked ice as he scrambled to let go of Axel’s hand, and instead grab him by the ass, to keep him from leaving. He pushed himself back when Axel tried to put some distance between them, sinking nails into firm cheeks.

“No, no, no. Keep going, just keep going. Don’t stop.” He spoke breathlessly over his shoulder, with a face pouring lava and eyes too shy to meet with Axel’s bright greens. He didn’t need to see the redhead to feel the look on his face, though. Confused, probably questioning his sanity, but despite whatever went on through Axel’s head, the good angel complied, quickly building up that speed with his hips again. Roxas could barely feel his fingertips, so firmly engraved into the flesh of Axel’s ass that rammed into him. It caused a sort of painful pleasure that, without the adrenaline, felt like a bad idea, but he didn’t want it to end. He covered his face with a hand and kept his groaning to a minimum.

Axel was close, anyway. He felt it in the extra tight grip of his hands and the erratic panting that grew a little too loud, his little sounds that became one too many as he neared the edge. Roxas shuddered, his eyes closing shut; Axel was so fucking hot that he could barely even believe it. His jaw set in response to the generalized body ache, begging for him to go lay down or something, legs too weak to even keep himself up anymore, and hips hurting so bad that the skin might as well have been burnt off. With eyebrows knit together, he listened in for how much shallower and quicker Axel’s breathing had become.

“Cum inside.” He mumbled, pushing past every single one of his inhibitions to do it. Axel groaned.

“You sure?”

“Yes.” _Please_.

It was the strangest feeling in the world. He gasped his surprise, cheeks bright red and pumping against the skin of his face as Axel sighed heavily behind him, standing still for a moment. Hands painfully anchored to his hips, their bodies pressed so close together that they might as well have been one. _This_ was what he wanted out of it, out of the whole thing, and it was so rewarding that he nearly sobbed. It felt just as good as he had hoped for, even if it didn’t last a second. Axel pulled out with a heavy breath.

They redid their pants in relative silence. Roxas’ feet felt like led on the floorboards, while his hands felt like jelly, fingers fumbling with the zipper and button as he glanced shyly up at the redhead, watching him do the same, except much more expertly. He looked at Axel’s hands, the sliver of olive skin just above the waistline of his jeans, where his shirt had ridden up, and pieces and corners of some of his tattoos poked out. His warm body, smooth skin, firm stomach. Roxas wanted to touch him, wanted to coil both arms around his big, bulky torso, and hang onto him for dear life. He needed contact, he felt so empty. So cold. He finished making himself decent and leaned back against the wall, watching the towering frame before him as something ultimately unreachable.

Axel stepped closer to him with a hand touching his elbow. “C’mere, let me kiss you.” Voice low, raspy sweet, the epitome of kindness. It hurt to hear.

He complied easily, pushing himself off the wall and into Axel’s arms, into a warm embrace with soft lips against his own. His body was so tired that, in such warm safety, it couldn’t keep straight, and relaxed into those strong arms that kept him up, squeezed him close. The kiss held a mellow sort of sloppiness to it that had him starry-eyed, submerged in lavish bliss with a pounding heart. A twisted kind of love.

Axel broke the kiss first, to look at his face, which had him staring right back. Those green pupils were still blown wide under narcotics, but not nearly as much as before, behind a half-lidded regard that clearly saw him through rose-colored lenses. His chest wanted to burst open with emotion, but he didn’t let it. He knew this wasn’t real.

“I love you.” Axel whispered between them before kissing him again, softer, sweeter, making his throat close around a sob despite himself. He grabbed Axel’s face, holding him close for just a minute longer. They broke apart soon after.

The embrace loosened and undid itself, so he latched onto Axel’s hand to keep him from leaving just yet. He felt the indentations on Axel’s hand with a thumb, the ones he had accidentally made a minute ago, and glanced down at it. He brought their hands up closer for examination, but Axel snatched his away as if it had just been burnt. Roxas looked up at him.

“I was just looking at it.” He explained amicably, but Axel still looked defensive over that. It didn’t make sense.

Unless he was hiding something else.

“Don’t worry about it.” Axel nearly scoffed. The change in his tone was drastic.

He frowned. “Let me see your hand.”

“Why?”

“Why not?”

They stared at each other, him with a frown and Axel almost scowling. He refused to budge, standing his ground with steadfast resolution and a firm look to showcase it, which got through Axel’s cocaine-induced haze somehow, and made him give in. He watched Axel set his jaw while reaching an arm across to him, so he took his hand, hesitantly, and flipped it over. He pulled the sleeve back to see fresh new cuts on pale skin. His heart sunk.

Axel drew his arm back, and took out a cigarette. He lit it up in silence.

“What happened?” Roxas’ voice was small, a whisper blending in with the soft rustling of the trees nearby. Axel shrugged.

“Nothing.” Exhale. “Who the fuck knows?”

He went quiet, no idea what to say to that. His chest hurt all of a sudden. “Will you be alright?”

“Yeah. Sure.”

\--

“So, how was it, huh?” Sora sing-songed, wearing a devilish smirk on his face when his brother walked back in. Roxas shrugged.

“Was alright.”

He dropped his coat on the couch, toed his boots off, and changed his pants for pajama ones while at it. Sora eyed him suspiciously, not buying his answer at all.

“Is that right? Because what I heard, and the rest of the neighborhood did as well, told us a very different story…”

Roxas mentally gutted himself to death, then got into bed, wrapped himself up in his covers. There would be no escaping Sora until he got the answer that he wanted, so Roxas decided to just give it to him straight. “He made me cum without touching my dick.”

“Oh my God, seriously? That’s been my dream for so long, it’s never happened to me! I can’t believe your man is hot, charming, _and_ talented. You’ve got the whole package.”

“Uh, yeah. I guess so.”


	18. Farewell and nice to know you

R18.A26

Axel couldn’t make it that weekend. Demyx said he had something going on one town over, something serious, related to either his job or his ongoing thesis, the blonde wasn’t sure, but that meant Axel wouldn’t be able to go out for a while. He didn’t say for how long, and neither of the twins asked, assuming it to not be too time-consuming, since clubbing was pretty much Axel’s entire lifestyle, and most of his personality as well, but as it turned out, they weren’t quite right. One week of absence turned into two, turned into three, turned into a month. A month and a half. Two. They asked after him, what he had been up to, how he had been doing, but Demyx didn’t have much information to give them, either. He only saw Axel for a few hours during weekdays, bid him a safe trip on Friday evenings, and saw him again by Sunday nights. They barely had any time to chat or catch up in this new, tight schedule, which left Demyx as much in the dark as the two other boys. He noticed that Axel looked exhausted all the time now, but couldn’t figure out a good moment to sit down for a heart-to-heart with him, depriving him of glorious hours of sleep, which left him rather helpless. The situation was worrying, but they tried not to let it get to them too much. They just hoped the redhead would be alright. 

Roxas missed him more than anything. Going out felt joyless without him, as if they had lost one in the war, so he stayed at home sometimes, leaving Sora and Demyx to party together, with or without Namine, depending on the day, while he wrote poetry in his bedroom, and looked at his bruises on the mirror. They disappeared too fast, the last indications that Axel ever existed, that Axel had been there. He wished their time together would’ve given him a real, permanent scar to always look at, to always touch, because right now, after they were all gone, he could only touch his own, milky clear thighs and his own, milky clear neck with a faint memory in mind. It wasn’t enough.

“You know you could stop by the lab anytime to see him, right?” Sora commented one day, in passing. Roxas had considered that before, actually, but thought of his mother catching him there, wondering what must’ve been so wrong, so urgent, that he absolutely had to interrupt her at work to speak directly with her about. Of course she’d see him there and immediately assume this regarded her, and not, in a million years, was only a quick peek to make sure that the redhead still existed in one piece. He just didn’t have a good excuse to fool her. 

“Sure, but he works with mom now. Like, literally, he’s part of her team of scientists or whatever. She’s his boss, so if I want to see him, there’s no way I can bypass her.” 

“Unless it’s lunch time.”

“What?”

“Lunch time. Do you think they stick together for lunch, too? No way. She probably eats with the rich and powerful, and he probably eats at the bisexual table.” 

“I don’t think a thing like the bisexual table exists, but… I guess… You have a point.” He glanced off above his brother’s head, where the science lab was located, its building peeking out over the treetops just a sliver, far in the distance, across campus. He breathed in deep. “Do you think they’re having lunch right now?” 

“Maybe. Go in there and see.” 

“No, what if I’m wrong? I need confirmation.” 

“Go in there and check at the front desk.” 

That wasn’t a bad idea, but he didn’t go right away. He waited for a few days, mentally preparing himself, and coming up with a good excuse for his mother, should she catch him meandering about there anyway, despite his sneaking skills, and demanded to know his motive. On the meanwhile, he and Sora came up with an infallible plan, that he only put into motion after the feeling in his gut was a favorable one. They didn’t know how well the place worked, or how it even looked on the inside, having never been there before, but it was sure to have a front desk, which Roxas could use to harvest the information that he needed. He should be able to bypass security with a pretty face, and if anything didn’t work as intended, he could just play the innocent and say that he was lost in the building, as to not get in trouble. No matter what happened, though, he was  _ not _ to alert their mother of his presence, unless strictly necessary. He took a deep breath, and once lunch rolled up, marched toward the science building. 

The entrance hall was absolutely gorgeous. It had a huge fish tank decorating the room, all around what he assumed to be a glass elevator, following it up a floor, and merging with the ground underneath it, so the transparent floors that led to the elevator was walkable over real, living fish, safe under the sturdy glass. It looked trippy, but cool, and Roxas kind of liked it. The movements of the water and the blue of the tank gave the entrance hall a very nice look, with light shining through the water as it moved with the waves, and coloring it a bluish-green hue. He walked over to the front desk, off to the side, under posh spotlights that painted the attendants with a soft yellow glow. 

“Good afternoon, sir. How may I help you?” 

“Hi, I’m looking for Aurora Lacus. She’s my mother.” 

“What’s your name?”

“Roxas Lacus.”

The girl behind the counter quickly checked her computer before looking back at him. “Dr. Lacus is currently on her lunch break, Mr. Roxas. Down at the cafeteria.” 

“Um, can I go there?” 

“Sure, I’ll just need some ID first.” 

He fished out his wallet and handed her his ID, standing around for a minute as she typed into the computer again. She soon gave his ID back, along with a keycard stuck to a lanyard. 

“All set, Mr. Roxas. The cafeteria is in the lower lobby.” 

“Thanks, uh. Tamara Jones. Thank you so much.” 

“Of course.” 

He turned around and started off toward the elevator, absently hanging the lanyard around his neck as his mind stirred, and an idea hit him. If this woman had access to the whereabouts of everyone in the building, then she probably also knew where Axel was. If he, too, was at the cafeteria or not. He probably was, but it was still in his best interest to check beforehand, just to make sure, rather than take the risk of jeopardizing everything. Axel was the whole reason of his visit in the first place, and if he happened to run into his  _ mother _ instead of the redhead, then everything would’ve been for naught. He turned right around on his heels and walked back over to the help desk. 

“Hey, um, Ms. Jones. Can you do one last thing for me?” 

The girl’s brows lifted expectantly, waiting for him to elaborate on that, so he continued. 

“Can you check if Axel Aulicus is at the cafeteria, too?” 

“Sure.” The girl looked back down at her computer screen, hidden behind the counter, and typed into it, before glancing back up at him. “Mr. Aulicus is up in the lab.” 

“Really?” His brain worked a million miles per second. “Can I go see him?” 

“I’ll have to call him for authorization. One second.” She picked up a phone and dialed into it, bringing it up to her ear. Roxas watched her intently, with his heart breaking out of its rib cage. “Hello, Mr. Aulicus? This is Jones from the front desk. A Roxas Lacus is here to see you. Should I send him up?” A pause, rather long. He held his breath. “Alright, thank you. Goodbye.” She placed the phone down, and reached a hand above the counter. “You’re allowed up; I just need the keycard back for a second.” 

He removed the lanyard from his neck and gave it back to her with blood pounding in his ears. It didn’t take a minute before she slid it back to him, smiling politely. 

“Fourth floor, last door at the very end.” 

“Thank you, Ms. Jones.” 

\--

The floor was absolutely deserted. Mostly silent, without a single person in view, only faint, disembodied voices echoing from what felt like a very long distance to reach him. The glass doors that he passed by showed not a person behind them, instead multitudes of white tiles on the floors and counters of sterilized rooms that enclosed big, wonky machines which made no sense to the untrained eye, as well as a dangerously vast number of glassware. This felt like trespassing into an abandoned, but carefully well-kept, facility. 

He reached the very last door and slowly pushed it open to peek inside, rather than storm right in. He stuck his head into the gap for a shy glance, took in the incredible size of the lab, that harbored as many strange equipments as all of the others, and was just as blindingly white as the rest of the floor, until his eyes naturally fell onto the redhead leaning on a counter, with arms crossed, staring at him, otherwise completely alone. His heart skipped, and he pushed the rest of the door open to step inside. It automatically closed behind himself without a sound. 

“Hey.” Axel greeted, voice level, an unreadable expression on his face. He looked really good in a crew neck pullover with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows, the whole thing as tight a fit as the rest of his wardrobe. Roxas forgot how big his pecs were, especially pushed up like this, under his crossed arms. Big arms, too. Big body in general. Fuck. 

“Hey…” He walked over to the redhead, slowly, regarding him from top to bottom. He looked fucking hot. “Aren’t you supposed to be wearing a lab coat?” 

“Do you see me handling dangerous chemicals right now?” 

“No, but you’re in a lab.” 

Axel sighed, uncrossing his arms. “What are you doing here, Roxas?” 

He felt sheepish. It was in the tone of Axel’s voice, pointing at how stupid this whole thing was. Belittling. “I just wanted to see you.” 

“You could’ve called or something, not showed up at my work, where your mother was  _ just _ at, a minute ago. Are you trying to get me in trouble?” 

“No, I…” God, he felt fucking dumb. This was a bad idea. “I’m sorry, I just. I missed you.” 

At that, Axel’s eyes softened, and his body language lost its defensiveness. His shoulders dropped some tension, his scowl disappeared; he looked almost upset. He leaned away from the counter and passed Roxas by, walking over to the door to lock it. That made Roxas’ heart skip a beat. He couldn’t believe that the first thing in his mind, after spending two months without seeing Axel, was nothing but sex. He felt absolutely worthless. 

Axel turned to look at him, motioning at a couple of chairs closeby. “Have a seat.” 

They sat across from each other, the toe of Axel’s boots nearly brushing his own, their chairs inched closer on purpose. He watched Axel’s feet, and the spread of his legs, authoritative but comfortable, and more importantly, in white pants.  _ White _ . Of course it was nobody’s fault but his own to be this deprived, as if in heat or something, from how bad he thirsted for Axel right now, but the white pants certainly didn’t help, and neither did the size of his thighs. Did he lift? It never occurred to Roxas to ask about that, but the answer was probably yes. Gym shorts, no shirt? He’d love to see just how much Axel could bench press. 

“Roxas.” 

He looked up, startled. He must’ve been staring at Axel’s crotch for the last whole minute. “Yeah?”

“We only have thirty minutes until your mother’s back, so if you’re here to tell me something, I suggest you stop zoning out and get to it.” 

“Right. Sorry.” He cleared his throat. This was bad.  _ Focus. _ “Um, I’m not actually here to tell you anything in particular. I mean, there’s a lot I wanted to ask you about, but I really just came here to see how you’re doing. If you’re alright, or if something’s going on. I know you don’t like to talk about stuff, but I just want you to know that if you ever do, you know, I’ll be there. I’ll listen.” 

Axel nodded thoughtfully, seeming to take that into consideration, which was relieving to see. It lifted a weight off his back that he didn’t know had been there at all. “Thanks, I’ll remember that. What did you want to ask me?” 

“Just, the weekend thing. Are you working on something?” 

“Yes. I can’t tell you a lot about it, though, but… Yeah.”

“What, is it classified?”

“No, it’s just best I don’t tell you about it.” 

“Right… Okay.” A pause. “Are you… Alright?” His eyes dropped from Axel’s face to his uncovered wrists. Last time they saw each other, at Namine’s back porch two months ago, which seemed like a lifetime now, Axel had been in very poor shape. He remembered the new cuts, after what must’ve been years of steering clear of the blade, as well as the forearm stitches. Axel’s sleeves were pulled up, and even though his wrists weren’t flipped up into view, the fact that they were exposed at all was probably a good sign. Axel noticed him staring, and willingly turned his arm over to confirm his theory. There were a few more on his skin that must’ve been done during the period apart from each other, but they all looked to be similarly old at this point. Pretty much all faded away. The sleeves covered the stitches, or where they used to be, along with the track marks, which was clever. Roxas decided against asking after it. 

“I’m fine, Roxas. Chill.” 

He nodded his resignation in silence, reaching a hand to take Axel’s. He grabbed onto his fingers. “I miss you.” His voice was just above a whisper, muttered into the quietness shared between them. His eyes met Axel’s, and he saw something familiar in them, that brought him back to their last night together, when Axel kissed him in the middle of their hug. Except, this time, there wasn’t a single trace of narcotics in his blood. It was all entirely genuine. 

Axel squeezed his hand, his brows drawing a slight crease. He looked hurt. “I’m sorry.” 

Roxas quickly shook his head. “No, it’s fine. I’m glad you’re doing better, and working hard, and looking good. Are the pants new?”

Axel smiled in good humor, the brooding moment from before swiftly dissipating. “Yeah, and so is this.” He reached into a pocket with his free hand, and took out a car key, flashing the Corvette trademark under the light before handing it to him. He took it for a closer examination with a grin on his lips. 

“Are you serious? You got a sports car?” 

“Yup. Grand Sport in red.” 

“How do you even have money for that?” 

“It’s called financial management and blowing the salesman.” 

He laughed. “Sounds like Hell. I’ll take the bus.” He watched the trademark on the back of it for a second longer, then flipped it over to look at the buttons. In his imagination, smart keys were smaller than this. He gave it back to the redhead. “Maybe you’ll give me a ride some time?” 

Axel smiled, pocketing the key. “Maybe.” He paused, and something in his face changed. It became more serious. “Look, Roxas, this is my life now. I don’t know if it’ll ever get back to what it was. There are stages we all go through, and this is a new one, so don’t get hung up on me because of that. Go out and live your life. If you wait around for me, you might be left waiting forever, you know?” 

He frowned, his heart beating slower. “What are you saying?” 

“I’m saying you should go out there, graduate, get a job, get into a real relationship, make some money, buy a car, buy a house, get married, have a family, don’t forget to invest in a trust fund, and retire well. Just, live, man.” 

His mouth felt dry. “What about you?” 

“What about me?” 

The air was heavy, his fingers were cold. He pulled his hand away from Axel’s. “Right. I get it.” 

This was goodbye. 

\--

R19.A27

“Roxas, do you remember that guy, Kairi’s friend, who was at Namine’s sleepover last year?” 

“The dick of your dreams, yeah, how could I forget.” 

“Yeah! I just found out he studies  _ here _ , at our campus! I never knew that! I thought I had lost him to the months. God is real, and She’s a gay cupid. I added him on Facebook.” 

“Cool. Good for you.” 

“No, see, he added me back. That means he remembers me! Now I just have to post something that’ll get his attention. Something about, like, gay rights and liberalism and shit. Um.” Sora spoke thoughtfully, as if spitballing ideas left and right, letting them bounce off the wall since his brother didn’t seem to be into it. He sat down on Roxas’ bed, pushing some books away to make room for himself. From the look on his face, that seemed to have shone a light in his brain. “Of course… Of  _ course _ . Roxas! You!”

“Me.” 

Sora motioned frantically at all the books strewn about, including the thick notebook in his brother’s hand. “English Major, reads a lot, writes well. You’re perfect to be my ghostwriter!” 

“Okay, before you even begin to get too into that, my answer is no.” 

“No, c’mon, you can’t say no to this. You’ll be impending true love from happening.” 

“The word impending means the opposite of that.” 

“See? This is why I need you. If you could write a small paragraph about gay rights for me, and let me post it on my Facebook, you’ll be doing God’s work.” 

“Stop talking about God as if you’re religious. As if  _ I’m  _ religious. As if it’s a strong argument that’ll actually make a difference in changing my mind.” 

“Alright, fine. I’ll pay you thirty bucks from my allowance if you write twenty lines for me.” 

“Fifteen.” 

“Twenty! It’s thirty fucking bucks, Roxas!”

He groaned. “Fine.” 

Writing the article ended up not being the problem. He could whip out twenty lines in five minutes, having mastered the art of bullshitting his way out of any essay a long time ago, but what had him truly stuck was the most basic thing of them all. He simply couldn’t write about what he didn’t know, which meant he had to do research for this shit, and thirty bucks didn’t cover that. It didn’t cover the two hours and a half that he spent looking up and reading a multitude of news reports and fresh new articles on homosexuality, which were run by a group of straight men anyway, rendering all of it pretty much useless. The more articles he read, the more fired up he got, and by the end of the third hour, had a much longer essay on this bullshit than Sora had asked for. He made sure to edit out anything too violent, so it’d be a family-friendly read, but to his knowledge, it was still a job worth far more than thirty dollars. He emailed Sora the final draft with what felt like a weight off his back. 

Their plan worked perfectly. Riku liked the post, and wrote a very long, thoroughly articulated response to it, agreeing with what had been said, as well as shining some of his view into it, which Roxas found relieving to read. He didn’t interact with the post himself, as not to look suspicious to the public eye, but he couldn’t pretend not to be interested in the community’s response to what was essentially his real thoughts. As much as there was praise, there was backlash, obviously, which he told himself he wouldn’t get involved in, and, in the end, actually didn’t have to, because Riku was on top of it. He was great at turning people’s words against themselves and making them look ridiculous, so that was fun to watch. Roxas could see himself writing more stuff like this some time. 

“Roxas, can you write more stuff like this for me?” 

“Fifty bucks.” 

“ _ Fifty? _ ” 

“You don’t know how much research goes into these things, so, yeah. Fifty.” 

“Ugh… Fine. Make it about tyranny this time, like the approved laws that go strictly against gay and transgender rights.” 

“Fifteen lines.” 

“You can’t possibly write a good argument against the government in fifteen lines.” 

“Who said it has to be good?”

“It has to be good!” 

“Seventy-five bucks and as many lines as I want, as long as it’s good.” 

“Sixty dollars.” 

“Seventy or no deal.” 

“Sixty-five.  _ Please _ .” 

He squinted. Sora brought both hands together in pleading, looking so pitiful that it almost broke his heart. He dropped the act against his better judgement and stuck out a hand to shake. “Fine, deal.”

The response to the post this time around was even more polemic now. People who supported the current government bashed on the contents of the post, while people who saw through it and actually got the point discussed the treatment that members of the LGBT community received from not only the government, but from society as a whole. The comments were a battleground that Sora, the owner of the post, refused to participate in, while Roxas only observed from afar, and Riku actively fought in. It was fun to see just how far it traveled the world, and just how many people it reached, when taking into account Sora’s extensive friends list, and the absurd number of shares that the post received. It went from being nothing to being a big deal in the span of two days. 

“Roxas!” Sora shouted, rushing into their room with his phone in hand. His cheeks looked rosy and his eyes were glassy from tears. “Roxas, oh, my God! Oh, my God!” He jumped into his brother’s bed, pretty much into Roxas’ lap, and shoved his phone screen in the blonde’s face. “He’s talking to me! He’s talking to me! I can’t believe it, holy shit.” 

Roxas drew his head back, pushing the phone away from his face in order to look at it. On an otherwise completely blank screen, a single message stood in white and blue. 

 

**_From: Riku_ **

Hey, it’s Riku Caelum, Kairi’s friend. We met at her place some time ago, hope you remember me. :) Nice job with the tyranny piece. I didn’t know you were so passionate about these things. 

 

Sora sobbed into a hand, wiping his face with the back of it. This was such an obviously big deal to him that Roxas felt bad, now, for having charged money out of him in the first place. “I can’t believe it worked. God, I can’t believe it.” 

“Yeah, that’s cool, but why didn’t you just text him first without this whole thing?” 

“Because he wouldn’t have paid attention to me. That’s not how one-night stands work, Roxas. You don’t become friends  _ afterwards _ . You don’t become friends ever.” 

“But you could’ve still tried.” 

“No, listen to me. I’ve done that before. I’ve added them on Facebook, and then bothered their inbox. It’s no good. They block you this quick, you know. I couldn’t have run this kind of risk with him.” 

“Well… Okay. So he’s a guy that wouldn’t normally be into you, because you’re two completely different people with nothing in common, and to get his attention you pretended to be somebody else, this fabricated personality that’s a mirror of his own, so you can trick him into having a relationship with you. Somehow that’s better?” 

“It’s not like that. I just wanted a second chance to get to know him.” 

“Will he get to know the  _ real _ you, who didn’t write those posts that he admires?” 

Sora fell silent. All the excitement previously radiating off of him had dimmed out and gone now, leaving behind sagged shoulders and a small frown. He wiped his cheeks with a palm. “Yeah, eventually. He’ll figure it out soon enough.” 

Riku did figure it out soon enough, perhaps even a little sooner than Sora had anticipated. He managed to go on a date with the guy, came back home beaming, twirling around and singing out loud, while Roxas got a friend request from his brother’s massive crush just a minute later. He added Riku back without thinking much of it.

 

**_From: Riku_ **

Hey, can I ask you a question?

 

The text was a surprise, but despite the strange suddenness of it, he replied anyway. 

 

_ To: Riku _

Sure.

 

**_From: Riku_ **

Why did you let Sora post your writing in his profile? It tricks people into believing that he’s the author, you know. Very misleading. 

 

Ah, shit. He glanced up to see Sora sing-songing in the kitchen while fixing himself some dinner, looking so happy and carefree that the concealed text in his hand was heartbreaking to read. 

 

_ To: Riku _

Look, he was just trying to get your attention. He really likes you. Can you blame him?

 

**_From: Riku_ **

He didn’t have to fool me and thousands of others for that. He could’ve texted me. 

 

_ To: Riku _

I know! I told him that! But he didn’t think it’d work, so we did this whole thing, and, anyway, just give him a chance. He’s sweet and kind and has a heart the size of the planet. You won’t regret it.

 

**_From: Riku_ **

Hm… One more question and I’ll stop bothering you, I promise. 

 

_ To: Riku _

You’re not bothering me.

 

**_From: Riku_ **

:) 

The articles that you wrote under his name, did they express your genuine thoughts and feelings or was that also manufactured? 

 

_ To: Riku _

No, I was legit angry with the first one, and the second was more like a collection of shitty facts than an opinion, so. Yeah.

 

**_From: Riku_ **

Good. :) 

 

_ To: Riku _

Will you give him a second chance?

 

**_From: Riku_ **

Sure, but I was thinking we could do something more fun than a one-on-one date. A double, if you have someone, or just a group of dedicated friends, if you don’t. You have a +1 ticket, so choose wisely. 

 

_ To: Riku _

Right… When and where?

 

**_From: Riku_ **

Friday night at my place. 


	19. Nice to know you and hello again

R19.A27

“I still can’t believe he invited us to his  _ house _ . I’m… Speechless.” 

“You’re never speechless, Sora.” 

“I feel underdressed.” 

“That’s because you’re visiting a mansion in shorts.” 

“He said we’ll be swimming, Roxas, what am I supposed to wear?” 

“Guys, can you keep it down? I’m about to ring the doorbell.” 

“Sorry, Xion. Go ahead.” 

The doorbell didn’t seem to have made a sound, so Xion tried it again, only to receive the same result. The three of them stood around awkwardly for a second, passing each other silent glances, unsure of what to do next. None of them had any experience at a real estate that had more than four bathrooms, or at least looked like it, so standing around uselessly petrified was the only answer to this that they could come up with. To their luck, Riku opened the door for them not too long after. 

“Hey! Thanks for coming, guys. The pool is just out there, crossing the foyer.”

This place was intimidatingly beautiful. The floors shone with their reflections, the walls were decorated with intrinsic portraits, and the stairway was detailed in gold, the steps covered with red carpet. Roxas felt as if he were visiting a museum, in swimming trunks and flip flops. It was unimaginable to believe that people actually lived here. 

The pool outside was a work of art. It cut and turned in angled shapes, passing through the garden, beautifully lit up by underwater uplighters that danced with the small waves. A sort of barbeque kiosk, or the expensive equivalent of one, stood a few paces off to one side, while the cocktail bar and lounge chairs were on the other. Riku had the guests follow him there, where a tray with four margaritas awaited them. They toasted to nothing in particular before drinking it.

The night was fun. Riku was a nice person who had other interests than raw social justice alone, liked men and Lady Gaga as much as the twins did, and knew more about RuPaul’s Drag Race than anybody in this pool, however much Xion’s knowledge of the show defied his very own. They had a lot of fun getting drunk and chatting about trivialities at what was probably the most expensive piece of land in town, and as the night dragged on, the looser their behavior became. At some point, music was turned on, their spinning brains scrambled with their dancing, and they naturally sprawled out along the expanse of the pool. The night was warm, the stars glinted bright, and the four of them felt like best friends. 

Roxas caught himself in the middle of a weird and honestly kind of wild conversation about black women rights with Riku while his brother and Xion splashed each other. The topic was all over the place, from how drunk they were at this point, but to his recollection, a lot of material worthy of a TED Talk had been shared between them tonight. Sora splashed water on them both. 

“Can we talk about something  _ interesting _ ? If you ask Roxas one more time for his opinion on someone’s rights, I’ll start to think you want to date him instead.” 

“Alright, sorry. Why don’t you give us your opinion, then?” 

“Ugh, no. I’m not--” Sora shut his mouth very suddenly, his face growing pale, eyes wide. The other three stared at him. “Uh… I mean… Yeah, sure. I’d love nothing more. I, um. I know a lot about… Women…” 

Riku raised a brow. Sora didn’t know that Riku already knew. 

“Riku knows.” Roxas informed him. His brother blinked. 

“What do I know?” 

“That Sora didn’t write the activist posts in his profile.” 

“You  _ know _ ?” Sora cut in, shocked.

“You didn’t write that? I thought they were so good… Who wrote them, then? Some college professor?” Xion asked. Her innocence stroked Roxas’ ego like no other. He cleared his throat.

“Erm, no, actually. That’d be me.” 

“ _ Really _ ?”

“Wait! Shut up, there’s something far more important going on here right now. Riku, if you know, then… Why… Am I here? What is this?” Sora asked, voice soft, predisposed to get hurt. Riku offered him a smile. 

“This is all of us getting to know each other. I wanted to know who you really are, but without making it too obvious… Is that okay?” 

Sora stared at his crush wordlessly, as his shoulders dropped and his eyes softened. He smiled, in the drunk way that was just a hair away from crying. Roxas rolled his eyes. 

“Yeah, it is.” Sora’s blues welled up. “Are you mad at me?” 

“No, of course not.” Riku spoke in a quiet, soothing voice while stepping over to Sora, closing the distance between them with a hug. Sora hid his face on Riku’s neck. “You’re alright, Sora.” 

Both Xion and Roxas glanced at each other. Not a single word needed be said; they both turned around and swam far into the furthermost branch of the pool in order to leave the two alone. 

“How come we’re both single?” Xion asked him mindlessly. She glided over to the wide underwater steps while he floated on his back, watching the stars above. 

“That’s because you’re in love with a straight girl and I’m a dumbass.” 

“Hm… Damn.” 

“I know someone who likes you, though.” 

“Really? Who?” 

“Namine.” That was a bold-faced lie if he had ever told one, but he was too drunk to care, or to finesse his matchmaking plan. Pushing two great people together shouldn’t be too hard. 

“ _ What _ , really?! I thought she was… I thought…” 

“Yeah, no, she’s as gay as you are. You’ve just been blind to it this whole time because you’re focusing on the wrong sister. Kairi is a fraud, she’s queerbait. Namine? She’s the real deal.” 

Xion was silent for a moment, probably processing this in her drunk head. Falling in love with the prospect of reciprocity for once in her life. “And she likes me…?” 

“Yup. She thinks your haircut is cute.” 

Xion blushed; it was the most adorable thing. She hid a smile behind a hand. “Man… Why didn’t you tell me this earlier? I’m reeling right now.”

“You know, I try to mind my own business, and Namine told me not to tell, but, whatever, right?” Not a single word of any of that was remotely true, but he just kept on floating around the pool looking as matter-of-factly as possible. 

“Ah, I don’t even know what to say…”

“Where’s your phone?” 

“Oh. In my purse. Why?” 

“I need to text my mom. I forgot mine at home.” 

“Sure, I’ll go get it.” 

Xion left the pool, and not a minute later was back with her phone in hand. Roxas approached the edge, resting his forearms on the dry tiles as she handed it to him. She stepped back into the water. 

“They’re making out.” Her voice was low, a secret whisper. Roxas grinned while punching Namine’s number in. 

“Is that right? I thought they’d be naked by now.” 

Xion laughed. “God, I’m glad they aren’t.” 

 

_ To: Namine _

Hey, it’s Xion. Roxas gave me your number, I hope that’s alright! 

 

He sent the text, then turned to look at his friend, keeping the screen hidden from her. “So…” He breathed in deep, almost anxious. Xion’s brows lifted. “Don’t hate me…” He spoke in a small voice, and handed her phone back. She looked down at it with eyes wider than the moon. 

“Roxas…” She brought a hand up to her head, in disbelief. She looked to be on the brink of a heart attack. 

“Hey, it’s fine. I know her, and trust me, I bet she’s super happy to hear from you.” 

“She’s not hearing from  _ me _ , she’s hearing from  _ you _ ! Oh, God, she replied.” 

“What’d she say?”

“Hi, Xion, that’s alright. Smiley face. Shit, what do I say now? I’m freaking out! Here, you do it.” She pushed her phone to him, nearly dropping it into the water, if he hadn’t caught it. They both shared an intense half-second of wide-eyed staring before he glanced at the screen, and typed into it. 

“So, Namine…” He said out loud as his fingers worked. Xion listened to him very closely. “I’ve been wondering if you’d like to have coffee sometime? Winky face.” He looked back up at her. “She loves coffee, and cake, and high tea, so this is perfect. Trust me. I’m gonna send it.” 

“I hope to God you’re right.”

“It’s fine, I’m always right.” 

They heard a sound come from the bundle of clothes discarded on the lounge chairs. Xion looked at him. 

“Did you accidentally text yourself?” 

“No, I’m sure I sent it to  _ her _ .” 

He left the water and went over to his clothes, where his phone was hidden amid them. His eyes absently fell on the couple across the pool while he rummaged through his shorts. “They’re still sucking face.” 

“I’m so glad you said face.” 

He fished out his phone and unlocked it. A text from Namine was on the screen.

 

**_From: Namine_ **

Omg, I think Xion just asked me out.

 

“Holy shit, it’s Namine.”

“What did she say?!” 

“Hold on.” 

 

_ To: Namine _

Really? I’m surprised it took her this long. She’s liked you forever. 

 

“You know what, Xion? I’m setting this up so good for you, you can thank me later.” 

“Oh, my God, what did you  _ say  _ to her?” 

 

**_From: Namine_ **

Really? Omg. What should I say??

 

_ To: Namine _

Say YES!

 

“Xion, I’m saving your life. You owe me dinner.” 

Xion screamed. 

“She said  _ yes _ !” 

“You’re Goddamn welcome.” 

\--

R20.A28

The Pride Parade was something special. It was one town over, because they could never risk attending their own town’s parade without their mother outright just knowing about it, or seeing them on the television, or on Facebook, or whatever, so when Riku invited them to Pride far enough from home for it to be safe, and close enough that bus fare wasn’t a problem, they seized it without second thought. The colorful atmosphere, the happy celebration, and all the smiling faces, singing and chanting while confetti rained from the skies, glitter sparkled under the sunshine, and music blasted overhead, composed a perfect weekend. They marched all afternoon, singing, dancing and laughing until the sun was gone, but the party continued. Heavier now, with booze and more bass, more dancing, less innocence. Strangers kissed, friends hugged, and the crowd slowly dissipated out on the street, into clubs and bars. It was the kind of long and exhausting day that they knew had made history, and would be in the textbooks of the kids of the future. It had amounted to something, and Roxas couldn’t have been more glad to have come out tonight. 

Until he saw him.

Standing there, on the sidewalk, laughing with another three people, two that he recognized, and one that made his stomach churn. The sight alone awakened something rotten inside him, that burned fiercely in his gut, feeding off of raw jealousy, and making him feel hurt. Betrayed. His eyes were trained on the group of four as his feet moved on their own, stomping his way up the street to where they stood about, chatting, and laughing, unconcerned. Riku was the only person accompanying him at that moment, supposedly walking with him back to their friends, but once he saw the fire in Roxas’ eyes, the ugly scowl on his brow and the steadfast resolve of his feet, turning away from the right path and branching off to meet with a different fate head on, he could do nothing to stop it. Riku followed him hesitantly, but presently, without saying a word. Smart move on his part. 

“Hey, guys. What’s this? A secret meeting?” His voice dripped poison, the kind that had both Axel and Demyx wide-eyed, petrified. It was oddly reassuring to see. 

“Roxas! Buddy, hey!” Demyx spoke first, sounding nervous, high-pitched and panicky. “How are you doing, man? Did you come to Pride, too? Was nice, wasn’t it? We’re just leaving, actually. I’m-I’m glad to see you here, dude. Been a minute.” He trailed off, babbling whatever came to mind first, as a result of his unnerved state. He shut up soon enough. 

Roxas ignored him, and fixed his sharp blues on the new face of the group. A tall, and pretty, boy. “Who the fuck are you?” 

The guy raised a brow, unimpressed, and not at all intimidated by his presence. Zexion, who stood next to him, also didn’t look particularly interested in any of this. Roxas didn’t mind that, though; he had never really cared for his teacher, and vice-versa. The mutuality of it worked. 

“Cloud Strife.” 

Roxas squinted. It did nothing to affect the impassive posture of this Cloud Strife, which didn’t help him like the guy very much. Not that it really mattered. 

“How’ve you been, Roxas? I haven’t seen you in a while.” Axel cut in quickly, to dissipate the awkwardness hanging in the air and redirect some attention onto himself. He looked as good as the last time that Roxas had seen him, all buff and beautiful, with the face of a chiseled God, and the body of an Olympian. Roxas fucking hated him. 

“Huh, I wonder why that is.” His voice was smaller now, as his previous fire started to fade, and caused him to deflate. Suddenly, he wasn’t as angry anymore. He stepped back, and turned around to leave. 

“Wait, who’s your friend? Don’t leave just yet.” Axel seized him by the arm, making him immediately jerk it away, as if worse than burned, instantly scorched. The fire was back in full. 

“Don’t  _ fucking _ touch me!” He shouted, so loud that his voice cracked, and startled all five who stood next to him. For a split second, there was no reaction. All they could do was stare at him, wide-eyed and taken aback, making the fire in his chest burn up to his ears. He turned around and ran. 

Riku followed him, he heard the fast footsteps right behind him as he dashed down the street, and turned the first corner in sight. At least, he  _ hoped _ it was Riku. Anybody else would’ve sent him into an instant panic attack.

The more he kept running, the sooner his lungs stopped working. He breathed, but air didn’t reach into his legs anymore, however much they expanded and deflated with every heavy breath. When it got too bad, the running came to a stop, and he leaned on the closest wall next to himself for support, otherwise his legs would simply give. He bent over and breathed, shallow and quick, then heavy and deep, then erratically, until all he could do was sob helplessly to himself and let the tears fall. His chest hurt so, so bad that he wished it could be ripped out. His heart bled. 

Riku stopped next to him, heaving and panting as well, however not nearly as bad. He was way better fit, too, so it made sense to not even have broken a sweat. Roxas felt as if he could just drop dead. 

“Fuck… Man… What  _ was _ that?” Riku panted, clearly unshaken by his constant crying at this point. He took a step closer to Roxas. “You okay?”

Choking out an understandable answer wasn’t an option, so Roxas settled for a muffled whine and a louder sob. Riku seemed to get the point. 

“C’mon, let’s go back. Everyone’s waiting for us. We’re going home.” 

Roxas clumsily wiped at his eyes, and let Riku start to guide him back to their friends, but even after all the tears, something just didn’t sit right with him. The way Axel had grabbed his arm, as if he were a possession to handle freely like that, as if he were a convenience. As if they hadn’t just spent over a year apart, for the good of Axel’s conscience, when it killed Roxas a little more with every passing day. It was infuriating, that Axel thought he had so much control over Roxas, that he could decide what happened to him. Roxas wanted to fucking kill him. He wanted to let that be known. 

So he turned, and ran back. 

Riku had no choice but to follow. Again.

He ran with the wind, powered by enough anger to move a train, to sail a ship. All he saw was red when he turned the corner, and bolted straight toward the redhead, unstoppable, fearless. The group of four spotted him easily, but were too shocked to do anything about it. In a split second, Axel braced for impact. 

They hit the ground  _ hard _ . Axel grunted upon impact, while Roxas was left unscathed, having landed on the redhead’s bulky body. This was only the beginning. Through the red of his vision, he fisted Axel’s shirt, using his chest as leverage to hoist himself up just enough to start throwing punches. He shoved Axel in the chest, hit fists against his pectorals, and managed to get a jab square on his face. It all happened very fast, before Axel could well react from the fall, having met the ground with his back, and probably hit his head, too. He only jolted back into reality from the punch in the face, but by then, Roxas was already being dragged away from him, unable to follow it up with another, many others. Two or three people pulled him away while the others helped Axel up. He was  _ fuming _ . 

Trying to fight his bonds was fruitless, since he was so clearly outnumbered, but it couldn’t be helped. There was too much fire burning at his core to make him stop trying to jerk away, pull himself free. The only thing that helped tone it down was seeing Axel stumble up to his feet with the help of Riku, a traitor, and Zexion, a nobody. He touched his face where Roxas had jabbed him, and winced, spitting out blood right after. His ninety-dollar shirt looked completely trashed. At the sight, Roxas  _ almost _ felt bad, but almost was a strong word. He felt satisfied with himself enough to stop fighting the hold, and have the others slowly let him go. He didn’t threaten to close the distance between himself and the redhead, last he were put in bonds again. 

“ _ Fuck _ you.” He spat, vicious. Nothing that coursed his veins right now was pure. 

“God, Roxas, what the fuck.” Axel mumbled, still touching his face. “I mean, I deserve that. I agree with you and everything, but,  _ fuck _ .” The last word was more of a whisper as he reached to the back of his head, and pulled his hand back, checking the color. There was no blood on it. 

Roxas breathed in deep, sharp, and found himself with tight fists for hands, more than ready to bash Axel’s face in again. Instead of lounging for him a second time and alerting everyone, though, he slowly stepped closer to him, hands shaking at his sides. “You deserve  _ much _ more than that, Axel. Do you know what you fucking did to me? How  _ I _ felt, all this time? I was fucking  _ miserable _ . I  _ am _ miserable. I just wanted today to be a good day, but of course you had to show up here, with your little friends, and I had to see it. Do you know how that makes me fucking feel?” He spoke through gritted teeth, the words uttered under his breath, his anger barely contained, too transparent to see. His eyes welled up, but it didn’t matter. By now he had taken enough threatening steps, and could grab Axel by the collar, which he did, staggering the redhead down an inch with force. “Do you even  _ care _ ?” 

Axel frowned, not saying a word, not pushing him away, not fighting him either. The other four stood around them looking very visibly tense from all of this, but not interfering. Blue met green and they did nothing but stare at each other for a while, through tears that refused to fall. Roxas’ hands were firm on Axel’s collar, despite everything, and held him down as his greens softened, and he refused to fight. Axel parted his lips to speak, but Roxas kissed him silent. Eyes closed shut, knuckles digging into Axel’s collarbone, and not even remotely worried that Axel wouldn’t kiss him back, because of course Axel would. And of course Axel did. 

The crowd of four stood in place, dazed, petrified. Absolutely speechless. 

He shoved Axel away a second later, watching him stumble back a step. The expression on his face was something in between surprised but not surprised, confused but enlightened. Roxas swiftly took Riku’s arm and ran back down the street, not looking back. 

Just before rounding the corner, he heard, shouted after him, “So do you hate me or not?” 

He ran faster. He let go of Riku’s arm and kept running. He zipped past his friends a minute later, but didn’t stop, just kept going, burning his lungs and making a blur of his legs. He ran as fast as his body would take him, anywhere, just ahead, until he physically couldn’t stand on two feet anymore. The running slowed down to a haphazard jog, which soon turned into heavy steps on the ground, his body slowly crumbling into pieces, and then throwing itself on the grass, where he lay, and breathed, and let his eyes close, engulfing his brain in darkness. 

\--

“Roxas!”

His eyes opened. Sora was there. 

“Roxas, oh, my God! What happened?” 

“Shit, Sora, he saw these guys that, I guess, he knows, and just fucking tackled one of them into the street, started punching him in the face. It was insane. We separated them, and they kind of bickered, then kissed? It was the wildest thing I’ve ever seen.” 

“What the fuck,  _ Axel _ ’s here?!” 

“Yeah, that’s the guy. How did you know?”

“He’s the only one who deserves any of that.” 

“I feel dead inside.” Roxas murmured from the ground. His entire body ached something awful. 

“Hey, it’ll be fine. We’re going home.” 


	20. Starbucks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm happy to announce that I've finally finished the playlists for this work! I went back and added them to their rightful chapters, but just so you guys don't have to go searching, here they all are:
> 
> Chapter 1: [Him, him, him](https://open.spotify.com/user/oliviazanini/playlist/1YssFtLwTzx5rEGQfpC4rR).  
> Chapter 7: [Sleeping Uneasy](https://open.spotify.com/user/oliviazanini/playlist/5vrAwOmDkwssHYhvkWhTOo).  
> Chapter 13: [To Pursuit a God](https://open.spotify.com/user/oliviazanini/playlist/6lTLIi7WzcRpqRJ3gHFOE9).

R20.A28

His phone buzzed on the table. The screen lit up with Axel’s name, so he covered it with a hand before his mother could see it. She stood across the kitchen, frying herself some eggs, safely away from the twins at the table, but still. Sora’s eyes widened when he saw it. Neither of them said a word. He picked it up to answer, leaving the kitchen in the process. 

“What the fuck do you want?” 

“Hey… Good morning to you, too.”

“What do you want? I’m not apologizing for yesterday. I  _ meant _ that. All of it. Also, fuck you.” 

Axel scoffed through a laugh. “No, I’m not calling because of that. I don’t expect you to apologize. I don’t even  _ want _ you to.” 

“I don’t give a fuck what you want.” 

He hated that he could picture Axel’s smile so vividly in his mind. 

“Hey, come on a date with me today.” 

“What the fuck? Are you delusional? How hard did you hit your head?” 

“Please, I just want to talk with you.” 

“About what?” 

“You’ll know that if you say yes.” 

“God, I hate you. When and where?”

“As soon as possible, anywhere you want.” 

“That’s not how you make plans, Axel.” 

“It’s how  _ I _ make plans.” 

“One hour from now at Starbucks.” 

“The new one close to your place?” 

“Yes, the new one fucking close to my place. Which fucking Starbucks do you think I fucking mean?” 

Axel laughed. He hated how good it sounded. “Alright.” 

“Don’t be late or I’ll murder you.” 

“I won’t.”

He wasn’t. He was leaning against the wall by the entrance doors, in Ray-Bans and a t-shirt that looked tragically good on him, when Roxas approached. Checking his phone, looking so casual yet so chic. It must’ve been the skinny jeans. Roxas wanted to punch him in the face again. His knuckles burned for it, still sore from last night. Axel’s shades shone in his direction.

“Hey.” A smirk. God, it looked so fucking good on him. Everything was always so on point, mesmerizing and gorgeous. It drove Roxas insane. 

“Hey, bitch. You’re paying.” He walked past, pushing the double doors in. Axel followed with a wide, and absolutely beautiful, grin on his face. 

He liked this one Starbucks in particular, not only because it stood a couple of squares from his house, but mainly because it was never really full. Local residents came and went in the morning, most of them only here for their fix before work or class, not really stopping or sitting down at all, which left the top floor almost always abandoned. A few older people, a crowd maybe a decade older than his mother, sat down upstairs by a window sometimes, with a thick book or a half-finished manuscript to be worked on, and enjoyed their silent stay for a couple of hours before leaving. Roxas came here a lot during this past year, when he grew tired of the deafening silence of the apartment, and when the campus finally started to feel stale. This was the newest, freshest place to be, that he could think of. It opened only a few months ago. 

They sat down in a booth where the couch was shaped like an L, and big enough to fit maybe five people in it. He sat where the cushions bent, and Axel took the seat next to him. This was where he usually put his feet up on the upholstery, and scribbled on a notebook against his thighs, but this time his legs were stretched out instead. 

“So what are we here for?” He asked. 

Axel sipped on a tall glass of iced tea, squinting to glance out the window. The Ray-Bans rested atop his head now. “To talk. I told you that over the phone. Pay attention.”

“Yeah, I know, but talk about what? I don’t have anything to say to you that I didn’t already scream at your face yesterday.” 

Axel smiled. The bruise on his jaw looked really good in this light. “Yeah, maybe elaborate on that. Who was your friend?” 

“Riku? He’s Sora’s boyfriend. Going to Pride was actually his idea, so I should probably hold him accountable for…” He motioned frantically between them. “ _ This _ .” 

“Sora’s boyfriend? Since when?” 

“A while. Officially, a few months… But you don’t get to be involved in any of it. This isn’t part of your life, it’s part of mine. And you’re not in it.” 

Axel nodded, the smile gone from his face now. He glanced down at the iced tea in his hand. “Right. I was just asking.” 

“Where the Hell have you been all this time? And if you lie to me, and say working, or researching, or writing, or whatever, I’m literally never speaking to you again. No fucking joke, Axel. I swear to God, I’ll walk away right now.” 

“I’ve been avoiding you.” 

His shoulders dropped. 

“Oh.”

“You know, I thought that cutting all relations with you would make me feel better. Would make me less anxious around your mother, feel less guilty somehow, but, obviously, it didn’t. Cutting you off wasn’t the answer. I knew that, but I’m a fucking idiot, and didn’t go back on it. I just… Kept pushing. Kept feeling awful about everything, kept going out on the weekends, doing all of this elaborate shit to go around you. I even brought Demyx into it, because I can’t just fuck my own life. I have to fuck somebody else over, too, and you know, Roxas, when you’re trying to avoid someone, when you’re building your whole life around this one thing, you realize that, inevitably, you’re making them the center of everything. I wanted you so far away that I put you right in the thick of it. I didn’t go a single day without thinking about you, without working a schedule around yours. It’s…” Axel trailed off, shaking his head. “It’s really exhausting. I’m so tired of doing that, man. I really just want to sort it all out and find a solution to this because I can’t keep going in circles around you forever. I’m done playing the coward, you know? I almost told your mother about us.” 

“ _ What _ ?”

“Yeah, I almost told her. That’s how bad it got. There was a point when I couldn’t even look at her face without wanting to fucking cry. It was some shit, but I didn’t say anything. It’s not my secret alone.”

“Oh, my God. You can’t do that.” 

“I know, but I can’t keep it forever, either. I have to tell her one day, much sooner than later.” 

“Wait, just… Just wait a while. Wait until we figure out exactly what this is. Was.” The correction felt like a stab to the chest. Axel winced at it, too. 

“No, see,  _ that’s _ why I called you here. I still…” Axel quickly cut himself short with a curt shake of the head, changing his mind. “Roxas, when I saw you yesterday, it was like a miracle happening right before my eyes. I don’t even believe in God, but, dammit, I could. Just for that moment, I could.” 

“What, did you pray for me to punch you in the face or something? ‘Cause it kinda suits you, to be honest. It’s a good look.” 

Axel grinned. “Shut up. I was so happy to see you, I could barely even believe it.”

“You have a funny way of showing it.”

“Hey, you’re the one who tackled me into the ground like a rabid animal.” 

“Because I  _ hate _ you! That’s a perfectly normal reaction to hating someone!”

Axel scoffed out a laugh. “Yeah, right, whatever. You still kissed me.”

“Look, that was… That… Don’t bring it up. Ever. It was just because you’re pretty, and it didn’t mean anything. Now,  _ this _ . Tell me what this is. This is what’s going on right now, so focus on it.” 

“You think I’m pretty?”

“Shut up! That’s not the point. What are we  _ doing _ here?” 

“We’re… Filling in the blanks. I’m telling you that you’re all I can think about, the actual center of my universe, and you have the chance to discourse on what you very heatedly shouted at me yesterday. I mean, I know what I did was absolutely terrible. It was handled very badly, and just entirely cruel, and I’m sorry for that. It killed the two of us. I felt awful.” 

“I’m… What? Are you kidding me? How can you compare what you went through, out of  _ choice _ , to what  _ you _ put me through? You’re comparing the villain to the good guy. You’re putting them on the same boat.” 

“I’m not comparing us, I’m just… Roxas, look. I missed you. I’m always thinking of you, and regretting what I did, and wishing for time to turn back around and let me do things the right way. If  _ this _ isn’t the closest to that I’ll ever get to, then I must be fucking blind. Why did you even come?” 

His throat closed. He should be discrediting this, all of it, but he could never, not with Axel sober, not with Axel right here. The more Axel went on about missing him, and thinking of him, and expressing all of these sweet emotions toward him, the more his hands started to shake. His heart beat faster, his eyes widened. His voice was softer than a whisper. “Because I missed you, too.” 

Axel’s shoulders dropped, he looked sad. A heartbeat passed before he reached a palm across the gap between them. “Give me your hand.” 

Roxas did. There was no resistance within him at this point, he was tragically compliant. Their hands met over the table and held onto one another and Axel’s felt warm, soft. A thumb swiped over his knuckles, pushing him to the verge of tears. His eyes welled up bad. Axel’s fingers felt nice on his palm. 

“Do you think we can start over?” 

The question twisted his heart, and slowly built up a fire inside him. Frustration, indignation, flat out anger. He burned. His hand squeezed Axel’s. 

“No.” He shivered. “Not how things were before. I’ll  _ never _ go back to that, ever. I can’t do that shit again, Axel. It was…” Wind left him suddenly. He fell flat, chest constricted. His vision got blurrier with tears. “It was the worst thing. I was nothing to you.” 

Axel’s brows creased. “No, God, that’s not true. I loved you.” 

He snatched his hand away. “Shut up! You  _ didn’t _ . You loved a convenience.” 

“No, Roxas--”

“You broke my heart!”

“Roxas, I loved you. I love you still.” Axel took his arm, leaning closer to him, trying to get him to meet with a pair of very genuine greens, very loving greens, but he couldn’t. His face was turned away, he couldn’t do it. The tears shed. Axel’s voice was softer now. “You’re everything to me. Look, Roxas, life has no purpose. Nothing we do amounts to anything in the end, it’s all meaningless and inconsequential and it literally doesn’t matter if we live or if we die, but we’re  _ here _ , together, giving it all sense. A purpose, some sort of direction. You make me happy, and that’s more than I could have ever asked of the incomprehensible nebula that is the universe.” Axel’s hand tightened around his arm with the intensity of his emotions, but it didn’t hurt. Their eyes met. “You. I just need you.” 

He wiped his face with the back of a palm. Axel’s hand let go of his arm, and the skin looked white where he had touched it. Roxas took his hand back. “You’re going to leave again.” Voice stale, heart in crumbles. The words cracked. Axel’s hand squeezed his. 

“No, I won’t. Not ever again.” 

“I can’t trust you.” 

“Please try to.”

“You  _ lied _ to me. You lied to me for an entire  _ year _ , and you even brought Demyx into it. You hurt me. Deliberately. You’re a fucking asshole, you’re heartless.” 

“I know, I know, I’m  _ sorry _ . You’re right, you’re absolutely right, but, just, give me a second chance. Please. I promise I’ll do things right this time, I promise I won’t leave you again. I’ll give it my all, I’ll give everything that I have. I took you for granted before, Roxas, and I regretted it so much. I’ll never do that again.” 

They both fell silent. Axel’s hand loosened the grip on his own, his eyes softened. Roxas’ heart was breaking for the nth time. 

“If you leave, you’re going to kill me.” His voice was small, smaller than a whisper, murmured into the deathly silence between them. Axel gripped his hand firmer again. 

“I won’t.” 

He held his breath, their eyes bore into each other. Axel looked resolute, and that, against his better judgement, against everything that he stood for, against everything that he had been through, made him breathe out. It was a compromise. 

“Axel, if you fuck me over…” 

“I won’t. I’ll never do that, I’ll  _ never _ do that.” 

“Shut up and listen to me. If you fuck me over again, after all of this, it’s going to be so ugly, so disgusting and lethal and messy that I don’t even know… I can’t even imagine… Axel, I’ll never love anyone ever again. So, please. Don’t break me.” 

Axel held his hand with two of his. His brows were knit in steadfast resolve, unshakable, as his greens pierced right through the wall of tears over Roxas’ eyes. This was the most committed that he had ever seen him. 

“I won’t, Roxas. Trust me. I’ve had time to mature this feeling that I have toward you, and I know how to handle it now. I’ll be the best, most supportive, omnipresent boyfriend you’ve ever seen. It’s a promise.” 

Boyfriend. The word echoed back and forth in his mind. Boyfriend… Boyfriend. He swallowed down a lump, and color rose to his cheeks. Boyfriend. His lungs filled up with air. 

_ Boyfriend _ . 

He smiled.

“Boyfriend…?” 

“What, do you have a better word for it?”

He shook his head. The smile was so wide that it threatened to split his face in two. “No, it’s perfect.” 

Axel smiled, too. “You’re adorable. I missed you so much.” 

“Shut up, don’t even start with that. I’m  _ already _ crying.” 

“When are we telling Aurora?”

His face immediately fell. The moment was over.

“What? Do we have to?”

“Yes, we absolutely do. I can’t go to work on Monday and look her in the face, impassive, after this.” 

“You want to tell her  _ tomorrow _ ? Wait, Axel, just. Just give it some time.” 

“We’ve given it enough time, Roxas.”

“Give  _ me _ some time. I can’t… I can’t tell her tomorrow. I wouldn’t even know what to say.” 

“You won’t do it alone, I’ll be there with you.” 

“Not tomorrow, though. Please. We don’t even know… We don’t know if we’ll work, anyway. We might break up next weekend.” 

“No, we won’t. You know that as much as I do. Why are you so terrified to let her know you?”

“Because I don’t know what might happen.” 

“It’ll be fine.” 

“You could lose your job. She might never speak to you again. Aren’t you scared to lose her?”

“No.” 

He frowned. “I thought she was important to you.”

“She is, but I realized that she’s not the only one. I can’t hide from her forever, anyway, and if she doesn’t like what I have to say, then, too bad. Life goes on.” 

“What if she fires you?”

“Whatever, Roxas. I  _ need _ to do this, I don’t care at what cost. You don’t know how horrible it feels to keep this… This awful secret within me every single day of my life. I need to be done with it, or I might implode, and if that means losing your mother and my job and whatever the fuck else, then so be it.” 

Axel wouldn’t budge. He had his mind set on that, and obviously wouldn’t be influenced to stray from it. Roxas had no choice but to bend to this. He swallowed. 

“Give me a week.” 

“I literally can’t go to work on Monday without telling her.” 

“Then don’t go.”

“For a whole week?”

“Yeah, go on vacation or something, I don’t care. Give me some time.” 

“I can’t just do that, I have to request time off beforehand. It’s company policy.” 

“Isn’t  _ she _ your boss?”

“Sure.”

“Then come over and ask her for this next week off.”

“Are you insane? Showing up at your  _ house _ ?”

“Then go to work with a secret.”

Axel sighed. He looked exhausted all of a sudden. “Look, fine. I’ll deal with this one way or another, so you’ll have your week, alright?”

“Good, thank you. You’re already better than before.” 

\--

Sora looked up from his phone at the sound of the door opening. Their mother was only a few paces away, either in her room or in the living room, so he didn’t say anything right away, even though his mouth nearly betrayed itself. He held his breath until his brother closed their bedroom door. 

“So how was it? Did you beat him up again, did you make him cry, is he a broken man now?”

“He’s my boyfriend now. Officially.” 

“ _ What _ ? Roxas, do you remember what he did to you? What he did to everyone, and what he’s capable of? Is this a Stockholm Syndrome thing?”

“No, it isn’t, and yes, I remember.” He sighed, toeing his shoes off before sitting down on his bed, across the room from his brother. Going into this would be complicated and long. He drew in a breath. “He wanted a second chance, because, apparently, he’s in love with me or something, and I’ve been in love with him too for, like, a decade, so I told him that he better not fuck up this time, and he said that he wouldn’t, that he’d be a good boyfriend, and that’s kind of it. He paid for my iced mocha and gave me a ride home.” 

Sora looked awe-stricken, perfectly slack-jawed. He blinked. “Are you serious, you’re going to trust him?” 

“Yes, Sora, let me fucking live. I’ve wanted this forever.” 

“I know, but… Do you think this is a wise thing to do?”

“Probably not, but he seems like he knew what he was talking about. He had thought about that, about this, for a long time. This whole time, apparently. I think he’s legit now. I mean, remember when he wanted to get a car? It took him, like, three months to make that decision. He doesn’t just jump right in when he’s doing something important, you know, when it’s about an impactful thing. He thinks it over carefully, plans out this whole financial breakdown, picks the right salesman to blow for a discount, and follows through. It’s not thoughtless, and his car still looks brand new, without a single scratch or smudge, one year later, so I think it’s okay to trust him this time. I think he finally knows what he’s doing and what he wants. He’s growing the fuck up.” 

“Huh… I don’t get half of what you mean, but I guess I’ll trust your better judgement. You probably know him better than I do. I just… I hope you’re right about this. I hope you’re right about him.” 

“Yeah, me too.” 

Sora glanced back down at his phone, tapping on the side of the screen for a second, as if in thought. He pressed his lips together before looking back up at his brother. “Can I change the subject?” 

“Sure.”

“So, um. Riku invited me to the beach this next week, but we’ve never been alone together for that long before, and I don’t even know if mom would let me go if it’s just me and him anyway, and I feel awkward going by myself, so I asked him if I could invite you, and he said that I should, so, uh, do you? Want to? Come with us, maybe?” Sora put his hands together with his phone sandwiched in the middle. “Please?”

“Wait, why are you uncomfortable with this being just the two of you?” 

“I don’t know, I just feel like I’m not interesting enough to entertain him for a whole week, you know? I don’t know anything about women’s rights or the internalized racism of our society and when he starts talking about these things, I panic! I don’t know what to say and I feel so dumb! But you’re not dumb, you’re smart, and you know things, and you can talk to him when he’s tired of discussing about Rihanna’s iconic looks this past Spring.”

“Um, have you considered… You know… Educating yourself?” 

“Yeah, I have, and I tried, but reading about hatred makes me sad, and talking about the rights that we don’t have upsets me, and I’d rather not do that. I don’t really want to know, I just wanna be happy. I don’t want to know about homophobes or racists or misogynists or transphobes and what they have to say, or what they think, I just want to do me, and talk about Rihanna’s clothes, and enjoy life, you know? Is that so bad?” 

Roxas couldn’t well argue with that. It was an act of self-preservation, self-defense and love and he could absolutely understand that. He respected Sora for it. 

“No, I get you, and I’d love to go, too, but I don’t want to third-wheel you guys. I’m sorry.”

“Then bring Axel. Do you think he’d want to go?”

“Uh, I don’t know. Why don’t you invite him?” 

“Because I’m asking  _ you _ to, and I’m doing it nicely, which means you have to do it now.” 

He rolled his eyes. “Fine, but you talk to mom, then.” 

“Deal.” 

\--

“I can’t believe none of you can fucking drive.” 

“Shut up. Look, if you don’t want to go, then just don’t. I won’t miss you, none of us will honestly miss you, Sora certainly won’t miss you. And if you don’t want to drive, Riku has a chauffeur.” 

“Roxas, baby, that hurts. Who says I don’t want to be a resourceful adult in the middle of a bunch of screaming children to supervise them at a beach and probably come back with a migraine? I’d love to, but you have to learn how to fucking drive someday. Incidentally, a  _ chauffeur _ ? Did I hear that right?” 

“Yeah, they’re rich. I think that’s what rich people do, you know, they don’t need a license or anything, so stop telling me to go get one.” 

“Sure, honey, except you’re not rich and I’m not your chauffeur.”

“Whatever. Are you coming to the beach or what? I need to tell Riku whether or not to schedule the chauffeur.” 

“Yeah, I’m coming. You know that.” 

“Good. Meet us at his place tomorrow to choose a car.” 

“Choose a car?”

“Yeah, they’re lending us a car for the trip. Haven’t you been paying attention? Jesus Christ, Axel, I’m breaking it all down for you.”

“Well, I’m sorry if I’m not in the know of the doings and traditions of a multi-millionaire family.” 

“They’re not multi-millionaires, just regular millionaires, and you’ll get used to it. Anyway, I’ll see you tomorrow, and take your sass down a notch, you’re obnoxious.”

“I love you, too.” 


	21. A foreign selection

R20.A28

Axel was waiting for them at the bus stop, a few minutes early, just as they had planned. At their sight, he picked up his bags from the bench, pocketed his phone, and approached the twins with the casual air of someone who hadn’t just spent the last year without as much as seeing Sora’s face. He greeted them briefly, looking nonchalant and detached behind his sunglasses and an inscrutable face chiseled out of marble. Roxas could sense the growing unease emanating off of Sora, but decided against opening that specific can of worms. Instead, he simply greeted Axel and took his hand. Sora spoke up on his own accord. 

“Hey, you lying, manipulative, slithering snake that I hope catches on fire and dies. How have you been?”

“Ouch, but I’ll let that pass. I’ve been doing great, thanks. Did you notice how clear my skin is, moisturized, with a healthy glow to it? Can you see it? That’s a natural effect that comes with harboring good feelings toward other people. You might want to try it out sometime.”

“Wow, really? Sorry, I can’t see it. All I see is a giant, talking snake that should’ve been out of our lives for, like, a year now, and, you know, I’d  _ love _ to have good memories and feelings about you, you just make it so hard for me to do that. Every memory of you is laced with a lie and every word you ever told me feels insincere. I’m just not really sure what to believe in anymore when it comes to you, but, yeah, I’ll definitely ignore my urges to gut you right now and instead I’ll fabricate some nice memories about you, for sure.” 

Axel raised a brow over the rim of his Ray-Bans. “Did I hurt you, too?”

“Yes, of  _ course _ you did! You lied to me, you lied to everyone! I thought you were so  _ great _ , and Roxas was so  _ lucky _ ! I can’t believe how blind I’ve been. You’re a demon.”

“Hey, I can rectify that.” 

“Guys.” Roxas cut in, standing in between the two. “Can we just pretend to love each other in front of Riku’s parents for ten minutes? I don’t want to give them a reason to hate us so early on, so please be nice, alright? We can talk about this in the car.” 

“Whatever, I don’t wanna talk about it.” Sora mumbled under his breath, more to himself than to anybody else, then turned around, and stalked off toward the general location of the Caelum Mansion. They were a few blocks away from it, perfectly walkable from here, the nearest bus stop in all of the neighborhood. Roxas supposed that the residents here didn’t take the bus very often, and didn’t much care whether or not their employees did. 

“That really hurt.” Axel commented as the two of them followed Sora, a few feet behind, watching his small but livid frame stomp off. “Is he actually mad at me?”

“Yeah, obviously. What he said is absolutely true.” 

Axel’s shoulders dropped, and a slight crease formed between his brows. The sincerity of it was upsetting. “Shit.” 

“Good luck in proving yourself. You’re on thin ice.” 

“Yeah, you  _ think _ ?” 

The Caelums were stretched out on a few lounge chairs set up in the front yard, under the cool shade of the trees around themselves, that formed a spectacular and meticulously kept garden about them, as they waited for Riku’s friends to arrive. He got up when he saw the three far out in the distance, crossing the driveway length between the gates and the front entrance on foot over beautiful masonry, with bags slung over shoulders as well as carried by their handles. A caddie had offered to pick them up, but they refused his services, and decided to walk there instead. They weren’t completely useless just yet. 

When Riku was close enough, Sora dropped his bags on the ground and threw both arms around him in a big hug, not thirty-five feet away from his parents. Roxas cringed. He and Axel approached the two soon after, watching as the parents got up from their respective seats, chattering between themselves, and leisurely made their way over. Their coordinated, matching outfits looked both expensive, and intimidating. The woman wore a gorgeous sunhat that was bigger than a sombrero atop golden locks that framed her face and showered down her shoulders. Roxas let go of Axel’s hand. 

“Hey, mom, dad, you already know Sora. This is his brother, Roxas, and this is their friend, Axel. He’s driving us.” 

The adults were delighted to meet the bunch, all brilliant grins and firm handshakes passing around from one guest to another. They both looked very European, pointedly foreign, and not very much alike Riku at all. They even had a bit of an accent that, if closely inspected, could be heard very faintly in Riku’s speech, every now and again. He probably didn’t even notice it himself. Was he adopted?

“How wonderful to meet all of you! Perfectly wonderful. We’re so glad to see our boy make such nice, new friends. Oh, you’ll be driving them, yes? Axel, was it?” The father spoke, focusing on the redhead. The couple looked him down very openly, taking in the few piercings, fiery hair and multitude of tattoos that adorned his body. Roxas held his breath. 

Axel didn’t seem to care. “Yes, Mr. Caelum, that’d be me.” 

“Most exquisite, darling.” The wife said thoughtfully, while scrutinizing the art that covered his strong biceps. She almost sounded charmed. “Fascinating. Where were you born?” 

“Uh, at Rose Valley Hospital.” 

“Oh, downtown?” 

“Where’s your family from?” The father cut in curiously. 

“Manhattan. My mother’s from there, and my dad’s from New Jersey.”

“New York?” The pronunciation sounded off, very foreign. The couple glanced briefly at each other before looking back at the redhead, completely enthralled by him. “What brings them here?” 

“Business. My dad got an offer that he couldn’t refuse, so the family came along. That was, like, thirty years ago, though.” 

“And what do you do?” 

“He’s a Chemist along with Sora’s mom. Now, dad, quit interrogating him, and let’s go pick a car, or we’ll be late.” 

“Right, right! Ah, Axel, my boy, I heard you drive a Corvette. Is that true?” The parents started off toward the opposite end of the mansion, crossing the lawn in designer footwear that looked to have been made to only be worn with their current outfit. The other four, and a few helpers, who now carried their bags for them, followed.

Axel passed the shorter three a quick glance before his eyes trained themselves on the parents again. “Yes, I do. How did you know?” 

“Our son mentioned it in passing yesterday, which was awfully nice to hear. Wouldn’t you know, I have a Stingray in blue.” 

“Really? I was between the Stingray and the Grand Sport.” 

“You have a Grand Sport in red, don’t you?”

“Yes.” 

“So do I.” 

“Oh.”

“No, I’m kidding. I don’t have a single red car. Have you driven a limousine before?” The way the man pronounced  _ limousine _ made it sound pointedly French, far more evident than it already was. Axel shook his head in reply. 

“Can’t say that I have, and, honestly, Mr. Caelum, if I can be very frank with you, I’d rather not. Ever.”

“Oh, no, you’d need a special license for that. I was only curious. So you’re a Chemist, eh? How did that come to be?” 

Axel shrugged. They had crossed most of the front portion of the mansion by now, and could see half of the garage from here, off to the side, a little in the back. It had its own exclusive access, connecting driveway and all. Looked rather spacious from the outside, high ceiling and wide doors. The old man continued to speak at Axel’s lack of a verbal response. 

“How old are you, son?” 

“Twenty-eight.”

“Ah, you’re almost an adult! I hadn’t even met my wife at twenty-eight. I used to be a scoundrel, you know, terrorizing the streets of Reykjavík way back in the day, a real troublemaker of a boy. Of course, our style was a little bit different back then.” 

“You’re Icelandic?” 

“Já! Both me and Kristín.” 

“Why did you come to America?” 

“Business, as well. This is the land of opportunities, after all. Kristín’s family owns a large brewery, and liked for us to bring it overseas. We hadn’t planned to stay long, but the years passed without us noticing, and soon enough, our son was born, which only gave us the more reason to stay.” 

“Huh.” 

The garage was as big on the inside as it appeared to be from the outside. About a dozen cars lined the two longest walls, parked askew next to each other, smaller ones on one side, and bigger ones on the other. Roxas wasn’t very well inserted into the car world, and didn’t know a lot about them, but he could see that one side had more convertibles and coupes while the other had SUVs and sedans. He wasn’t blind. 

“Let’s just take the Volvo.” Riku said simply, already on his way down the lined up cars over to the SUVs. Axel held his hands up. 

“Whoa, whoa, hold on a minute now. Can I take a look at all of these first? I mean…” His greens drifted off toward the sports cars, that only had two doors and obviously weren’t fit for this trip at all, but had caught his heart instead. “Your dad has a pretty collection.” 

“No, we’re late. Get moving.” Riku spoke from halfway down the room, his voice reverberating off of the white walls. Sora picked up his bags from the helper and followed him. 

“Alright, well.” Axel motioned aimlessly in the air with a hand, while starting off after the other two. Roxas, the parents, and the rest of the helpers stayed close behind. At his leisure, Axel looked to be stalling some. “If you want an SUV, then, let me… Let me… Is that a Tesla?” 

“Yes, Model S in white.” 

“Oh, wow.” 

“We’re taking the Volvo!” Riku shouted from down the line, already rounding up to the black SUV to get the keys off the wall. It seemed a little unsafe to leave all the keys there, right next to all of these expensive cars, but, then again, Roxas didn’t know the first thing about being an extremely rich person. 

“Can I at least--?”

“Axel, when we get back, you can drive anything you want, but, right now, just get in the car.” 

“Okay, boss. No need to tell me twice.” 

“Yes, apparently, I do.” 

“Yeesh.” 

“Riku, son, please be nice. You have a whole week ahead of yourselves, what’s a little drive around the perimeter?” The mother cut in, voice soft yet stern, lovingly scolding. Riku groaned. 

“If he gets into the Tesla, he’s not stopping at the Tesla, and I’d like to leave before sunset, please.” 

“No, it’s fine.” Axel reassured the couple, continuing on over to the Volvo. “I don’t mind leaving right now. Don’t worry about it.” 

The helpers and Sora loaded up the trunk while the other three got in and got settled. Riku had originally reached for the passenger seat, no doubt out of instinct, but quickly changed his mind about that, and offered the spot to Roxas. It wasn’t as much of a generous selflessness to let him enjoy a trip next to his boyfriend as it was raw self-interest to have the backseat row all to Sora and himself. Roxas didn’t mind that, he just hopped in and pulled the door closed. Axel did the same behind the wheel, taking a second to glance about the dashboard and trace some buttons with featherlight touch. He whistled. 

“This is something. I’ve never driven such a big car before.” 

“Then double your attention, because if you scratch the sides, you’re done for.” 

Axel turned to pass Riku a sharp look over his shoulder, picking the Ray-Bans up to make that clear. “Chill.” He let the shades drop back atop his nose before turning back around. 

At that, Riku looked sheepish, and kept quiet. He buckled up in silence while Sora climbed in and shut the door closed behind himself. 

Axel started the engine and rolled the windows down so they could wave at Mr. and Mrs. Caelum in parting. 

\--

“Hey, Axel. Sorry for being such an asshole earlier, the whole time you guys were at home, I just… I get nervous when my friends meet my parents. They’re a lot, and they change people. They like to, uh, humble brag, I guess, about our things, possessions, and they treat everyone like a guest of honor to make people feel good and want to come back. I don’t know, but, it blinds them, my friends, I mean, to what’s actually important. That’s why I was so cranky. I’m not usually like that, I promise. I just didn’t want you to get lured in and forget about us.” 

Axel lifted his chin a bit, his eyes surely leaving the road to pass Riku a brief glance through the rearview mirror, before resuming onto the asphalt before the windshield. “Hey, man, it’s cool. We’re good.” 

Riku’s lips quirked up at the corners, into a sort of feeble smile. “Sorry about how weird they were being with you, also. So inquisitive. They’re not like that, usually. They just have a lot of white friends, and when they see someone with tattoos and a tan, I guess, it threw them off. I’m sorry.” 

“It’s not a tan, I’m mixed race.” 

“Oh. Really?”

“Yeah.” 

“Huh, that’s cool. Sorry, I couldn’t tell. I… Usually can…” 

Axel lifted both brows over the rim of his sunglasses, keeping quiet. Riku slumped back onto his seat. 

“So tell me about you, Riku.” Axel spoke up a minute later, over the quiet tunes of the stereo. “These two have already told you my whole life story, but I don’t know a single thing about you. What do you do?”

“I’m in my last year of Sociology. I want to be a researcher, or maybe a professor. Maybe both. Probably both. I’m going for a Masters in LGBT Studies, or the closest I can get to that, next year.” 

A wide, beautiful grin split across Axel’s face. He beamed. “That’s awesome, buddy. I like you already.” 

Riku smiled.

\--

“Hey.” Axel spoke softly, almost privately, among the four of them, as they unloaded the trunk in front of the hotel with the help of a couple of swift bellhops who made this a lot easier than it could’ve been. He had a bag slung over one shoulder, and a free hand on top of Sora’s head, in something of a tender gesture to get his attention, almost running fingers through his hair. “Are you alright?” 

In the middle of dropping a bag onto the luggage cart, Sora glared up at him. He freed his hands before swatting Axel’s away from his head. “I’m fine.” 

“Look, if you’re mad at me, then let’s have a drink and talk about that. I’ll even let you punch my face, if you want to. It worked for Roxas.” 

“No, I don’t want anything to do with you.” Sora huffed, carelessly tossing the last of his bags onto the cart. The force with which he threw them shook the pile. 

“Listen to me, it’s cathartic. You shouldn’t bottle things up.” 

“I’ll do whatever the  _ fuck _ I want to, now leave me alone.” Sora shoved Axel on the chest for emphasis before shouldering his way out, toward the entrance to the lobby. Axel watched him go with a sigh, as the other two shared a silent glance between themselves, abstaining from the situation entirely. The can of worms, now open, made a mess. 

\--

Roxas drew the long curtains back, and the view that immediately graced him was breathtaking. Just over the balcony, and two lazy lanes across, hundreds of miles of the most stunning beach stretched out, on both sides, as far as the eye could see. The blue sea glinted underneath sunlight, moving waves crashed glitter onto the shore, big palm trees swayed leisurely with the warm breeze, and lovers shared cocktails on the sand. He never thought that the careful composition of nature could make a portrait quite so romantic. 

“Man…” Axel lamented from a few feet behind him, in their room. He turned around to watch him morosely dig through the contents of his bag. “I can’t believe Sora is so upset at me. It’s heartbreaking.” 

“Yeah, maybe you shouldn’t have given him a reason to absolutely hate you. Just a thought.” Roxas shrugged, walking over to his own duffel. He couldn’t wait to hit the beach, not after experiencing such a view from his balcony. 

“Yeah, yeah, I know, but you can’t very well change the past, right, so I gotta do something now to help speed up this forgiving process, you know? I just don’t know what that is.” 

“Uh.” He paused, then turned to the redhead. “Wow, I don’t know how to tell you this, but I don’t think there’s a process going on right now. I think he straight up just hates you, and you gotta give him time to come back around. On the meanwhile, you do you. As  _ you _ once said to me, just live, man.” 

“God, don’t even remind me of that.” Axel frowned. He pulled out a towel, sunblock, and a few other items from his bag. “Clean slate, remember? Water under the bridge. Let’s not retouch  _ that _ time of our lives ever again. Unless, you’re also mad at me?” He asked, pausing to glance up at Roxas. There was genuine worry in his greens, an open display that verged on fear as his whole body went still for that half second. Roxas grinned.

“No, dumbass. Of course not.” He shoved Axel playfully on the arm, to both make his point and break the tension, and it worked. Axel smiled, his shoulders visibly relaxing back to normal. 

“Thank God.” Axel breathed out the words, then closed the distance between them with a step, and two arms locked firmly around Roxas’ small frame, securing him inside a big hug. His hands naturally found Axel’s waist, and his face fit perfectly in the crook of Axel’s neck, burying his nose there, breathing him in, so familiar and yet so missed. He let his eyes close as Axel ran a palm down his back, swaying him to the side a bit. 

He felt a kiss on the side of his head, and murmured words tangled in his hair, but not lost to his ears. 

“I love you so much. Stay with me.” 

A grin immediately split his face in half, even though his eyes betrayed himself, and watered anyway. His hands grabbed Axel’s sides tighter; he felt as if transcending. 


	22. The Beach

R20.A28

Axel pulled his shirt off overhead and it felt, to Roxas, like rediscovering everything that he already knew about himself. He would never be sick of this. His hands went limp, abandoning whatever it was that they had been doing at the moment, when his eyes glued to the big body a few paces off to his right, widening at the sight, jaw set, and heart skipping a beat. Axel dropped the shirt on a pool chair on the way to where everyone’s belongings were bundled together in the sand, and picked up the sunblock, blissfully unaware of two dreamy blues scrutinizing the movement of his muscles, every stretch and every pull. He covered his big arms, broad pecs and firm stomach with lotion before glancing up to meet with Roxas’ eyes. That almost made him jump out of his own skin. When did he start blushing?

“Hey, Roxas, c’mere.” 

He obeyed, wordlessly, with a pounding heart. Axel tossed him the sunblock. 

“Do my back.” 

God, he was in Heaven.

Until he remembered two days ago, and what he had impulsively done. Axel’s back had a bruise the size of a planet on it, that colored countless tattoos in deep, dark purple. The sight of it sent a pang to his chest. His hands refused to move, clutching onto the bottle. 

“Is this Purgatory?” 

“What?”

“I mean, I did this to you, now am I supposed to take this moment as a religious opportunity for atonement?”

“Huh? What… Oh, the bruise? I completely forgot about that, but, uh, take it as a trust exercise, I guess. Just, please, don’t make it worse than it already is.” 

“No, I would never.”

\--

“So I said to him, no, the First Amendment doesn’t condone your hatred towards others, towards anyone who’s simply different than you in any way; it protects your right to say, oh, I don’t like the current Government. It’s not a weapon to justify hate, and spread prejudice, it’s the only way that the Government can prevent its own representatives, already in power, from foregoing democracy altogether, and implementing fascism instead, to secure their position. I said, as long as you’re allowed to tell the world that you don’t agree with so and so’s presidency, you live in a free regime, and that’s what the First Amendment was created to protect.” 

“What did he say back to you?” Sora asked during a small break from sucking on an orange straw that emerged from the pink of his drink. Riku stirred the contents of his glass with a tiny umbrella. 

“Said I was drunk, and that because he’s a forthcoming lawyer, his interpretation of the Law is far better qualified than mine, so I should just shut up, keep, quote, unquote, protecting women or whatever, and take a selfie with him already. It was one of the worst nights of my life, and that’s why I’m never trusting Kairi again when she says that some cool new fraternity guy that she just slept with the other day is throwing a party, not at his chapter, but in the backyard of his parents’ beach house.” 

“Did you take the selfie?” Roxas frowned. The disgust coming up his throat seeped well into his words, but he didn’t care to veil it. Riku snorted behind the rim of his glass. 

“Are you kidding me?” He spoke into the glass before tipping it back a bit for an educated sip, then brought it down again, away from his face. “I added him on Facebook.” 

“Ugh, why?”

“Smart.” Axel commented in passing, his own glass empty for a while now. “Keep your friends close, and your enemies also close, and mix them up a bit, to keep it interesting, and meet with them regularly for shots and coke and maybe some barbeque on a warm Sunday. Did you say beach house?”

“Beach house, but not here, somewhere so deep into a series of speculative lots that the whole town looks deserted, eighty percent of the land there isn’t even for sale yet, and half of the streets are cul-de-sacs, still in blueprint. We called it The Embryo of Capitalism, but the host guy didn’t like that, so Kairi made us change it to Ghost Village, which  _ might _ be true. I heard there’s a cemetery not fifty miles from there, and some spirits have a knack for communing with the elderly, however unconfirmed those sources were.” 

“Who’s we?” Sora asked with a raised brow. The look on his face wasn’t particularly joyful.

“Me, the forthcoming lawyer, and his girlfriend Cindy, who broke up with him halfway through the evening. We got a ride from Kairi’s smash buddy, host, frat bro, and aspiring photographer, but I think he just wanted to show off his shitty Mustang, maybe in fear that the party would flop. The paint job was really sad to look at.” 

“So did you get stupendously fucked up or what?” Axel asked, reaching for his empty glass. He plucked it out of the sand and offered it to Roxas. “Bring me another? Could be whatever.” 

“I’m not sure what stupendously means to you, but I made three new friends, caused a fist fight to break, bench pressed a girl dressed as a mermaid, and lost my scarf to a ritual of the ocean.” Riku responded while Roxas rolled his eyes at the redhead, but took the empty glass anyway, and got up to leave for the kiosk. Axel spoke after him, over Riku. 

“Thanks, I love you.” 

“Shut up.” 

“You can bench press a person?” That was the last question he could hear from Sora’s loud mouth as he stalked off with a scowl.

\--

The waves broke at their feet, parting on the way over to flow around the beams supporting the pier overhead, calm and warm this late into the afternoon. The skyline painted a beautiful blur of intermingling pinks, reds and purples closest to the sun, and differing hues of blue furthest from it. The four boys shone under gold. 

“We should play a game called Correct Me If I’m Wrong.” Riku spoke suddenly, breaking the silence with phlegmatic ease. “Xion and I made it up the other day, and it goes like this: you make an assumption about a person here, and they have to say whether you’re right about that or not. If you’re not, you have the chance to guess the reason why, but only one. The person you addressed goes next.” 

“You should go first.” Sora commented. Riku turned to fully face him.

“Alright. Sora.” He paused, thoughtful for a brief second before resuming. “You don’t actually hate Axel.” 

Sora didn’t respond right away. He glanced from Riku to the redhead, lingering on the latter, watching the rise of his brows out of interest and the expectant shine of his eyes. Axel looked to have been holding his breath, and Sora looked to have noticed that. His gaze dropped. 

“No. You’re right.”

Axel exhaled, Riku grinned. 

“Your turn.” 

Sora ran a hand through his hair as his eyes instinctively seeked out his twin, and stayed on him. Roxas stared back, too numb from the alcohol in his veins to feel threatened at the moment, and most of everything else. 

“Roxas, you only got back together with him because living without him is worse to you than anything that he could ever do to you.” 

His blood ran cold; his lips parted in a muted gasp. There wasn’t enough alcohol in the world to shield off the effects of that stab to the gut, but he’d never admit to it. Axel’s eyes bore into the side of his face but he refused to acknowledge them. 

“No, you’re wrong.” His voice was small.

Sora rolled his eyes. “I’m gonna barf. You took him back because you love him. You actually… Actually love him.” 

“Yes.” Roxas turned to the redhead next, sharp, in a quick attempt at following his answer up with anything else that would distract everybody from it. “Axel, you have something to tell Sora about this.” 

“Uh.” 

Sora’s eyes snapped over to Axel’s face, under a frown, as his blues slowly began to dance with unspilled tears. Axel tensed. 

“Um, yeah… I do.” He paused, surely to think over his own words, and choose them with care, given the delicacy of the situation. Sora’s frown deepened on this short meanwhile, his eyes shinier and shinier in the afternoon sun. Axel regarded him with a soft frown of his own. “Sora, you’re angry at me because I abandoned you, and you hate that I hurt Roxas, and you probably feel betrayed because I talked to him first, and made amends with him, and didn’t talk to you at all. You’re upset that I didn’t apologize to you.” 

The tears dripped down Sora’s face, making his cheeks shine as his brows furrowed harder together and his lips threatened to wobble. He wiped a careless and ineffective hand over his eyes. 

“So apologize.” His voice sounded strained, as if strangled by his own throat. “Do it, right now.” 

“I’m sorry.” 

Sora hit a fist in the sand. “Sound  _ sincere _ , do this from the heart, you fucking… You… Fuck.” He heaved through his words, sobbing right afterwards. Both palms covered his face now as his shoulders shook. 

“I’m  _ sorry _ , Sora. I’m sorry that I treated you, both of you, like you didn’t matter. Like I didn’t care. It was destructive, and calamitous, and I was unruly, all over the place; I didn’t even know what I was doing, but I do now. I’ll do anything to make it up to you, and I really hope you can forgive me, because seeing you hurting from what I did is heartbreaking. It hurts me, too.” 

Sora sobbed louder, into his own hands, face still covered up. His shoulders sagged as he heaved into his palms, then wiped his cheeks some more, sprinkling them with sand. He sniffled, sighed, and fixed two blues on Axel’s face. 

“Just give me some time, and don’t be an asshole. Ever. Again.” 

Axel gave a solemn nod, but before he could say a word in response, Sora followed himself up.

“Now give me a fucking hug, you jerk.” 

Axel did. He got up from his spot on the sand and crossed the small circle toward the brunette, wrapped both arms around him, brought him into his chest. Sora looked like jelly, slack and limp, probably exhausted, emotionally drained from everything that had just happened. They both sat in the sand together, Sora’s arms loosely around Axel’s broad frame, and Axel’s ones maintaining a tight hold on him, as the ocean lazily lapped at their legs and the warm sun slowly disappeared behind the horizon. Roxas snapped a picture of them that Sora would later get framed. 

\--

He climbed into bed, feeling the soft linen give under his knees as he crawled across his empty side, closer to Axel’s. He stopped by the big body laying shirtless on the mattress, leisurely twisting a joint with the finessed ease of a professional. His eyes watched the careful fingers that held the blunt up, and the sliver of tongue that swiped along the edge of the paper, before dropping down to the strong jaw underneath it, thick neck, wide pectorals, and the divine stomach that followed. He touched it with a hand, soft fingers tracing a few of the resident tattoos there. Axel watched him over his work. 

When their eyes met, his cheeks colored, but that didn’t stop him from smirking anyway. 

“Can I suck you off?” Voice quiet, almost shy, and yet perfectly certain of itself.

Axel mirrored his smirk, fingers swiftly twisting both ends of the joint to finish it up. “I hope that’s a rhetorical question.” He commented in passing, then stuck the blunt in between his lips to light it. 

Roxas’ hand moved lower.

\--

“Ah, shit.” 

The little icon that doomed him flashed on his phone screen, in white over a completely black background, a battery with a slash across it. He threw the phone down onto the towel as a pointed act of frustration. 

“What?” Riku asked, unpreoccupied, from his spot on the pool chair, with a cold orange juice in hand, hair tied up in a gorgeous bun, and entirely covered by the shade of a long coconut tree. He looked to have no interest in acquiring a tan this week. 

“I forgot to charge my phone last night.” 

“Guess you were too busy doing something else.” 

He passed Riku a glance from behind his round lenses, half convinced that he somehow knew about last night, like maybe Axel had told this semi-stranger about it, but also half convinced that he didn’t mean it like that. Maybe he meant it completely innocently, and Roxas was here, profiling him as an extension of Sora’s dirty personality. He just kept quiet about that, and turned around to where everyone’s belongings were gathered in a bag. 

“Yeah, I guess you’re right.” He agreed briefly, while dumping his phone into the bag, and incidentally catching a glimpse of Axel’s. He just wanted to take a picture of the redhead and his brother having a nice water fight in the ocean, so if he used Axel’s phone for that, he wouldn’t get mad, would he? Roxas reached for it tentatively, glancing up at Riku on the meanwhile, so maybe being witnessed doing this marginally illegal thing would make it socially acceptable, or make him feel less of a felon, but Riku didn’t seem to have been watching him. His sunglasses were directed at the ocean, where their significant others splashed each other with salt water. Roxas took Axel’s phone and lit up the screen. 

A single notification stood in the center of it, below the clock, and before he could remind himself not to pry, his eyes had already read the sender, and the first line of the mostly-concealed text. It was from Demyx, and he sounded upset, apologizing for the other weekend. Did he and Axel have a fight? Roxas didn’t know a single thing about that. He felt his heart leap for his throat as his thumb pulled on the notification tab to expand it. 

 

**_From: Demyx_ **

Hey, Axel. I’m sorry for yelling at you last weekend. I was just on the phone with Zexy about it and he really wants me to move in with him, he’s insisting that I do, and, I don’t know. I can’t say that I don’t want to, but I can’t say that I do want to. Either way, one thing he said is right. We want different things, you and me. And I know that living with him instead isn’t the answer, because it’s not solving anything, but I think I’ll do that anyway. I think it’s best, I don’t know. I’m just. Sorry. I’m sorry. I love you. Are you coming back on Friday or Saturday? Please call me, I miss you. I hope you’re not mad at me. Sorry if I sound clingy, it’s because I am. You know that. Anyway, yeah. Yeah.

 

A frown slowly formed on Roxas’ brow the longer he read the text. His heart went from running a marathon to tripping, falling, and breaking into pieces. This bit of insight into whatever that was going on between his two good friends was upsetting to read, and made him realize that prying was instant karma. He wished that he hadn’t seen this at all, but more importantly, he wondered if Axel had. If so, then what he thought of it. Realistically, though, if the notification was still there, then he was probably still oblivious to it. Roxas made a point to keep that in mind. 

“Is that Axel’s phone?” Riku’s voice broke into his soliloquy like thunder being cast into his ribcage, setting his heart off, and making his hands clasp the screen to his chest, in clear indication that he had been caught. He was sweating, suddenly, and his eyes were blown wide behind his circular frames. Riku grinned coolly. “Sorry for scaring you, were you gonna take a selfie with it? I want to be in it, too.” 

He exhaled. Maybe Riku hadn’t caught him snooping. He got up from the towel and sat down on Riku’s pool chair, scooting up next to him for a series of dumb selfies that he’d later make Axel share in the group chat. 

Axel only saw the text a handful of hours later, while they were all on the way to the aquarium a few blocks down the street. The Ray-Bans rested atop his head as he consulted his phone, which gave Roxas the opportunity to watch every emotion that flashed past his eyes. First, the regular scowl on the brows that he always wore when focusing on something, then the desolation that followed it, then a harder scowl for scrutiny, then a slight drop of the shoulders and generalized softening of his features, in heartbreak or mourning or both. Axel stared at the screen for a long second, fingers hovering over the keyboard, but never replying. Instead, he locked it and put it away in a pocket, with wistful eyes glancing off to the ocean waves, rolling and breaking onto shore, across the beach from where they followed the sidewalk. He watched the ocean for a while, in absolute silence, with chest falling rather than rising, and a hard scowl on his face, before dropping his shades to cover it. He took Roxas’ hand and peeled his eyes away from the waves. 

Roxas didn’t say anything. Couldn’t say anything. If he did, it would completely give himself away to something terrible, the broken vows of privacy, the very foundations of a relationship. He felt bad, and was blowing this completely out of proportion, but it didn’t change the fact that he only knew half of the story, and now thirsted for the rest. Still, he kept his mouth shut while they reached the aquarium, and visited the first few tanks. Rows of it lined up each side of a long hallway, that soon came up to an intersection, where one side branched off to fish and crustaceans while the other moved on to mammals and some birds. Sora wanted to see the birds, because, apparently, he had no concept of penguins, so, to antagonize him, Roxas said that he wanted to see the sharks instead. At that, both Axel and Riku passed each other a knowing glance, and agreed on splitting ways for now. They’d meet up again later, by the exit door, on the way out. 

He didn’t actually give a shit about sharks, but loved spending time alone with Axel, and rather enjoyed watching him look at the groups of tiny little fish swimming around their big tanks, all different, reflecting color onto his face, and bringing a shine to his greens. He seemed blue as they leisurely walked down the hallway, a forlorn look in his eyes. Roxas squeezed his hand. 

“Hey, are you having fun?” His voice was soft, but not too tender, or it’d hint at something deeper that he didn’t want Axel to know that he knew. He just tried to sound friendly. 

Axel glanced over at him and grinned. Beautiful. “Yeah; I’m really glad to be here with you.” 

His chest inflated, his cheeks blushed. His smile was sheepish. “I’m glad to be here with you, too.” 

They approached a selection of smaller tanks set next to each other in a sort of aquatic mosaic and stopped by an informative plaque that told the fish apart, their scientific names, and some fun facts. Axel looked at it with fleeting interest while Roxas simply couldn’t keep his eyes off of the redhead. He was mesmerized, bewitched. Destined to have his heart guarded by another, thrown into an astronomical pull that perpetually interlaced their lives, and he was fine with it. He was fine with never leaving Axel’s side. 

“Check out these sardines, how big they are.” Axel commented airily, nodding at the right tank to make his point. “I could stuff them with some charmoula, throw them into a frying pan, and serve with a few lemon wedges for taste. Would be delicious. You really gotta try my charmoula some time, by the way. I make the best one.”

“That’s, like, Mediterranean, right? Charmoula?” 

“Yes.” 

“Why do you like Mediterranean cuisine so much? I mean, remember the trip to the mountains, how all you cooked for us were Mediterranean dishes? I’m not, like, criticizing that or anything, please. I’m just curious to know, because I don’t know a lot of people who can make couscous or even know what that is.”

“Couscous? My grandma used to make it for me when I lived with her. Her parents were Turkish.” 

“You used to live with her?”

“Yeah, when I was a kid, right after my brother died. My parents almost went through a divorce during that time, so they left me with grandma until all of that was sorted out, because, I guess, they didn’t want me to watch the arguments, but I also think they weren’t fit to house me anymore. I don’t know; I just stayed with her for a long time, and it was nice. My room smelled of lavender and she taught me how to cook.”

“Wow… How long did you stay there for?” 

“Like seven years.”

“ _ Seven years? _ What a long ass divorce discussion, Jesus.”

“I know, right? But I think they were supposed to take me back earlier than that. I don’t exactly know what happened back then, I just remember my parents being really upset, and grandma consoling them, giving them advice and stuff. My mom was admitted at a psychiatric hospital for a while, and my dad just… Turned into somebody else. He was like a zombie when he visited, I barely recognized him. Those were a weird few years, I gotta say.” 

“Jeez… What happened to your mom?”

“She checked herself in because she couldn’t deal with the situation and needed, like, space and others looking out for her, reminding her to eat and shower, you know? She was stressed out and upset and needed time away from it all. That’s what she told me.”

“So you just stayed with your grandma until when? Like, when did you go back home?” 

“At thirteen. It was just dad and I for a while, because mom was still admitted, and grandma was also, like. She… She had, um. She didn’t have a good heart. She, uh. It was… It doesn’t matter, actually. I saw mom again after the funeral and from then on she just stayed home, too.” 

Roxas nodded, softening his tone. “What was her name?”

“Quibele Sevda.”

His throat closed. Axel tore his eyes away from the sardines, and resumed their previous walk along the hallway, pulling Roxas to tag along by their intertwined hands. He staggered but followed, after a brief glance down at the redhead’s arm, where  _ Sevda _ was etched into his skin, in careful, cursive letters, surrounded by a dozen random designs that didn’t touch it. 

\--

The walk to the closest seafood restaurant from the aquarium wasn’t a long one. According to Sora’s phone, one was just down the block from it, so they all walked there together, two couples hand in hand. Sora and Riku walked a few paces ahead, while the other two didn’t mind falling a little bit behind, not even to chat in concealment, but just to enjoy each other’s presence without immediately eavesdropping into Sora’s conversation with his boyfriend. Roxas held onto Axel’s hand while mindlessly wondering if the redhead had the least bit of interest in responding to his best friend’s upsetting text anytime soon. 

Half a block down, Axel stopped in his tracks, tugging Roxas back to do the same. His greens were glued on the colorful display of flowers beside them, protected behind the glass of a shop. He grinned, instantly going for his phone. 

“Make a pose, Roxas.” Axel spoke with a nod, unlacing their hands to step back some for a nice angle. 

He felt self-conscious all of a sudden, but moved closer to the window anyway, and tried his best not to fuck up a smile. It probably looked awkward, because his cheeks were burning and his heart was trying to make a break through his rib cage, but staying still was the best that he could do at the moment. He held his breath until Axel brought his phone back down, grinning wide at the screen. He sighed, his shoulders relaxed.

“You look so fucking cute.” Axel commented while walking back to him, eyes still on the screen. He gave the redhead a playful shove once within distance. 

“Shut up. Do a selfie now.” 

Axel grinned and held out his phone, leaning down a bit to get closer to him, one arm across his back. His smile felt a lot more genuine this time around. 

\--

“Look, I’m not saying that I love Jack Shephard, or even like him, honestly, but given the chance, I wouldn’t pass up a night with him. I mean, a Neurosurgeon, seriously? Looking that good? Hit me up, guy.” 

“So you’re easy, then.” Riku commented simply, while stirring his margarita with the olive pick. Sora gave him a look. 

“No, I just know how to separate love from sex.” 

“How do you not like him?” Axel asked, brow raised, helping himself to some Sprite. His glass already had enough vodka in it as it was. “He’s, like, the only one suitable to marry. He’d make a great husband.” 

“You know that he didn’t.” Sora’s tone was cross before he sipped on his third mojito. “He’s a shit fucking dad, too, you know that. You saw that.”

“He’s not a dad, he’s an uncle. That was his nephew.” Roxas corrected. He hated Lost with every fiber of his being, but, thankfully, his bloodstream swam in enough alcohol at the moment to make him strong enough to live through the discourse. Sora rolled his eyes. 

“Whatever.”

“And he wasn’t even a shitty uncle, either. He was nice with the kid.” 

“Yeah, for real. And he was a decent leader, too. Not the best, like, not very democratic, but, whatever, he could dictate me around all he wanted, I wouldn’t even care. I’d love it.” Axel put the bottle of Sprite down and sampled half of his drink in one go. 

“Look, no. He’s manipulative, and controlling, and annoying, and I hate that. I’m much more of a Jin guy myself. He’s the only one actually suitable to make a good husband.” 

“Jin, seriously?” Riku raised a brow. “Aren’t you forgetting someone?” 

“No.”

“He thinks Sawyer is full of shit.” Roxas clarified, one sip away from finishing his glass. 

“No, I didn’t mean Sawyer, I meant Charlie.”

“Oh, wow. I forgot about Charlie. Good choice.” Axel pointed out. 

“Charlie? He’s, like, a bro. He’s… Cute, not husband material. But Sawyer, I’d marry him in a heartbeat. He’s literally the only reason why I kept watching that Goddamn show.” Roxas downed the bottom of his drink and passed the empty glass over to the redhead. Axel took it, and instinctively reached for the vodka, but he seized his arm with a hand. “No, no, chill. I’m good. Thanks.” 

“Did we watch the same series? Because Sawyer was insufferable. He got better later on, but was still insufferable.” 

“No, look, I’d fuck Sawyer. I mean, I agree with you, Riku, he’s insufferable, but that’s a nice quality to have in bed.” 

“Sora, you’d fuck every guy in the show.” 

“No, that’s not true. I wouldn’t fuck Charlie.” 

“What the fuck?” 

“He reminds me of Roxas!” 

“What?” Roxas frowned. “What about him reminds you of me?” 

“Like, everything. His trashy style, the way he dresses, the bracelets, the eyeliner, the black nail polish. He writes songs, which are basically poems, and he’s just fucking emo! He’s you if you could play the guitar.” 

“I don’t think he wore nail polish. I think you’re getting Charlie and Boone mistaken.” 

“No, I’d fuck Boone.” 

He rolled his eyes. 

\--

Axel’s weight pressed him against the mattress; two hands anchored his hips down as their fingers dug into his flesh, deliciously razor-edged, sending shivers up his spine. He bit his lip, eyes shut tight and brows arched up in muted pleas. He had missed this so much. Axel’s body heavy on his own, Axel’s teeth buried into his neck and hands bruising his skin, marking him, branding him. His heart throbbed, swollen to the brink of explosion from how much he absolutely loved this,  _ needed _ this. Axel’s hips snapping against his own, their loud breathing breaking the quietness of the room, memories filling it. His hands fisted the linen directly in front of them, nearly ripping the corners clean off the mattress as their hips met, and Axel’s weight made it difficult to breathe. Heaven, Heaven. This was Heaven. 

Axel kissed his neck. “When was your last time?”

His brain was a mess, fogged up and confused, wholly unable to process that at large, but even through the constant shocks up his body and the shivers on his skin, he heard that. His head drew an immediate blank, but he tried to focus, if only for half a second, to reach an answer. His last time. A club, surely. Some stranger, what was his name? His face? Axel’s hand moved up from his hip, to his waist, holding onto it so firmly that he could almost picture the skin breaking apart. He groaned, pushing up against Axel’s crotch out of instinct, and getting a groan out of him, too. His heart sped up at it, his cock twitched. Axel held him down harder in response. Shit, focus. Guy from a club, he had been wearing a blue bomber jacket, they fucked in a bathroom stall. It had been terrible. The memories flooded back one by one and he shuddered.

“Fuck, two months ago? Three? I don’t know.” He breathed, gasping out the words directed at the mattress. Axel moved up from his neck to nuzzle his hair, the spot behind his ear, and speak there, too. His eyes rolled to the back of his head. 

“How was it? Was he good?” Axel’s voice was a purr into his hair, warm where he spoke. Roxas leaned into the touch, arching his back to get Axel closer, straining his arms to keep himself up. They trembled. 

“No.” He gasped, simply, truthfully. That hadn’t been the first stranger ever since Axel had left, but it hadn’t been any less heartbreaking than the last. The hands that had touched him were the wrong shape, the face that had kissed him was the wrong color, the feelings in his chest had been amiss. Hollow. He had been perfectly hollow, and a stranger’s cock couldn’t patch that, however much he had insisted on it. He arched further back, until Axel’s lips pressed soft kisses to his jaw. His chest felt fuller. “It was the worst. He wasn’t you, and I missed you so much.” 

Axel kissed his cheek, one of his hands swiping a thumb over the blossoming bruise on Roxas’ waist. He let his head drop back down, and his spine take a rest, since his arms just threatened to give under added weight. He heaved, suddenly hit with something overwhelming, a wave that made his chest heavy. Axel kissed the nape of his neck. 

“Who’s Cloud Strife?” The words left him strangled and broken up, before reaching his brain, before he could understand them at all. The blonde guy, the pretty one from Pride. He didn’t know why this dude was suddenly on his mind, but a scowl settled on his face in response to it. Axel scoffed out a small laugh. 

“Cloud? He’s my friend, don’t be jealous.” 

“Friend?” His teeth gritted. Axel kissed his neck again, missing just how glassy his blues had become in only a couple of seconds. He was great at this. 

“Yes, friend. He’s married. They have a daughter, or maybe two.”

His cheeks flared up quick, they burned fast. He felt dumb now, guilty from being so out of line. His throat closed with the embarrassment, and he just kept quiet, remorseful for the rest of it. Despite that, Axel’s kissing was soft over the purple roses just fresh on his skin, making his heart resonate. He was undeserving, but wouldn’t say it. The swelling in his chest and the love in his lungs were too good to pass up. 

He brought a hand back to Axel’s hair, to tug on it, hold onto it. Axel breathed in sharp in response, kissing his neck something sweet. He could’ve cried. 

“Don’t leave me.” He whispered into the relative quietness of the room, just small enough for Axel to hear it. The hands that held him grabbed on tighter. 

“Never.” 

\--

Footsteps shuffled around the room, circled the bed, coming and going, pacing about without a clear objective, non-directional. He kept his eyes closed, pretending to be asleep still, but with ears perked up, listening intently, as he pictured the body that belonged to the footfalls. Shuffle, shuffle, stop. The sound of the glass doors sliding open, but not closed, and pitter-patters disappearing onto the balcony. His blues peeked through a squint, and at the sight of an empty room, opened completely. Axel must’ve gone outside to smoke. 

He sat up in bed, feeling the familiar and so incredibly welcome ache that spread through his body, stung his hips and burned his thighs. He pulled the covers back to look at Axel’s handiwork from last night, not to be disappointed. His heart jumped at the colors on his skin. 

“Hey, I guess you’re not up yet.” 

Axel’s voice startled him something so violent that he might as well have been struck by lightning. A hand shot up to his chest, but soon relaxed, when he realized that Axel was still outside, probably on the phone. He sighed. 

“Or maybe you’re busy, I don’t know. I thought you didn’t come in on Wednesdays. Well, anyway. I got your text.” 

His veins went cold. He listened in. 

“Look, if you want to go off and live with Zexion, that’s fine by me, as long as it’s what you want to do. If it’s what  _ he _ wants you to do, or if you believe that living with him will somehow be the solution to our clash of interests, then don’t. Don’t do that. Just stay home, and we’ll figure something out when I come back, alright? I’ll be there by Saturday morning. Please don’t do anything dumb on the meanwhile, and don’t move in with him. I love you.” 

Silence. Roxas held his breath, expecting Axel to come back in any time now, but he didn’t. The sound of the lighter made that clear enough. 

He got out of bed for a shower, and maybe to look at his reflection on the mirror for the next fifteen minutes. 

\--

Sora plopped down next to him with two cans of beer in hand. Offered him one, but he didn’t take it. Beer was the last thing that he’d drink deliberately. Sora stuck a can in the sand before opening the other.

“Why won’t you take off your shirt?” 

He tensed. Hopefully, it wasn’t very visible, and Sora was drunker than he seemed. He managed a loose shrug in reply. 

“Don’t feel like sunbathing today.” 

The bruises on his waist and the bites on his shoulder burned. Sora took a swig from his beer. 

“Are you alright? You’ve been writing in your diary for the last three hours.” 

“For the last time, this isn’t a diary, it’s my portfolio. Please get it right.” 

“But don’t you write poems about your feelings in there?”

“Sure.” 

“Then it’s a diary.” 

He groaned, and looked back at the notebook on his thighs, hoping that it would be enough indication for Sora to get a move on, and maybe leave. Or, at least, stop engaging him. As per usual, though, he had no such luck. 

“So are you alright or is something wrong?” 

“I’m fine, Sora, I’m just…” He trailed off, waving non-committally with a hand, then dropping it with a sigh. “I’m trying to figure out how to tell mom about Axel. He wants to talk to her right when we get home, and I don’t… I don’t know how to do that. I don’t know, I think I’ll have a heart attack.” 

“No, you won’t. He’ll be there with you, and you’ll outnumber her. Look, I thought I’d die telling her about Riku, but he did it with me, and it turned out not being so bad.” 

“Okay, but Riku is just a guy that she doesn’t know personally, doesn’t work with, and doesn’t want out of her life. Riku’s fine, everybody loves Riku, but Axel’s like a Hellspawn to her or something. She’s going to decapitate me and probably get him fired, too, and never speak to him again and rip me out of her will. She’s going to hate me.” 

“I don’t think so. I think she’s going to hate  _ him _ .” 

“Even worse. He loves her so much.” 

“Well… I don’t know what we can do about that. Does he really want to tell?”

“Yeah, he’s very adamant about it. He’s gonna do it whether or not I’m there with him.” 

“Maybe let him do the talking, I guess, and if you want me there, too, I’ll be there.” 

“No, it’s fine. Thank you, but I think this is something we have to do alone. I don’t know. I feel bad not saying anything, like, not helping at all, just hanging around like dead weight. I already feel like that on a day-to-day basis.” 

Sora looked off to the side, over at the ocean, seeming thoughtful while humming his response. He took a few sips from the beer before glancing back at his twin. 

“Were you thinking about writing her a poem?”

“No, I was literally just wondering how to approach her with this. Like, I think he’s coming home with us on Saturday, and she’s going to see him walk in with us, and, for some reason, I feel like she’s going to know. She’s just going to know right then and there everything that we’ll be about to tell her. I feel like it’s all going to be pointless, and I don’t need to say anything, just bring him home by the hand and let her see it.” 

“Man… That might be worse, but… It might be the most effective way to tell her. But maybe also say something, too.” 

“Yeah, sure. He wants to have the whole sit down anyway. It’ll be Hell. I might as well just start picking the outfit for my funeral.” 

“Make it that one good pair of skinny jeans that you have, the one with only two holes on the knees, and that one Lady Gaga merch that’s, like, a white, long-sleeved shirt with The Cure art on the back. Can I do your makeup?” 

“Yes, but make it goth.” 

“Goth or emo? I think you meant emo.” 

“It doesn’t matter, Sora, I’ll be dead.” 

“It matters. Oh, it matters.” 

\--

Walking out of the bathroom, steam from his shower followed him close behind, floating up to the ceiling and vanishing in thin air as he turned the corner. His eyes immediately fell on the redhead sitting in bed, a few feet away, with his notebook in hand. He freezed. His heart did a stunt, and pumped cold shock down his veins, as he stood there, dumb in place, and stared, wide-eyed, at Axel’s face. The crease in his brow and the tears in his eyes, blinked away, but still streaming down. Roxas' throat closed, he could barely breathe. A shiver ran down his body, but it wasn’t from his lack of a shirt. He stepped forward, tentatively, and had Axel look up at him. His legs paused. 

Wordlessly, Axel closed the notebook and handed it to him, extended his arm toward Roxas. He stepped closer and took it with a broken heart, brought it to his chest immediately after, cradling it to safety. Axel couldn’t meet with his eyes, two greens off to the side, dripping helplessly. His arms tightened around the notebook. 

“Don’t do that.” His voice trembled, sounding smaller than a whisper. Axel gave him one solemn nod in response. 

“I’m sorry.” 

He walked over to his bags, slowly, as if his feet were made of lead, and set the notebook down. His eyes were on the cover, but the image didn’t reach his head. How much had Axel read? Which page had made him cry? He turned around, catching the redhead wipe at his face with a hand, brows knit hard together. He frowned, his heart ached. He swiveled back to the notebook and opened it, perused it for a quick second until a page stuck out to him, the one that he had been looking for. He grabbed it and went over to Axel, sat next to him on the mattress with the notebook offered to him. Axel glanced down at it before looking up to meet with his eyes. The greens shone with unshed tears. He had never seen Axel cry before. 

“Read it.” Soft spoken, as if from a dream. Axel took the notebook from him and complied. 

It was one of the very first poems that he had ever written about Axel, about what they had together, about how he felt. Very innocent and from the heart, awe-stricken and amazed by the redhead’s sole existence, by the very fact that Axel had acknowledged him,  _ liked _ him. Cared for him. He thought it was a sweet one that could cheer Axel up, but he might’ve been wrong, because it only made him cry more. He reached over and touched Axel’s leg for comfort, squeezed his knee. Axel handed him the notebook back a minute later, wiping at his eyes with the back of his free hand. 

“Shit.” Axel murmured. “I’m so sorry.” 

Roxas closed the notebook and put it aside. 

“Sorry about what?”

“What I did to you. Everything that I put you through. How I made you feel.” Axel sniffled, still helplessly wiping at his face. “I’m so fucking sorry.” 

“It’s fine.” His voice was a whisper, an attempt at comfort. “It’s alright now. I’m alright now.” 

Axel glanced down at him with sharp greens that pierced through the tears. It was so sudden that it shocked him. “No, you’re not.” He spoke in a cold tone and took Roxas’ hand from his knee, flipping it over to look at the wrist. His face was impassive; there wasn’t a single mark on the pale skin. 

“You can’t see it anymore. It was only once.” 

“Don’t do that shit. Don’t ever do that again.” Two dour greens fixed themselves on his face as Axel continued. “It’ll destroy you. Once is just how it begins; it’s always going to be ‘just once’.” 

His lips parted, but words failed him. His heart was beating fast, now, from the intonation of Axel’s words, their austerity, making his eyes well up. He felt fucking stupid. 

“I’m sorry, I was just in a bad place.” Voice smaller than a breath, soul smaller than a hummingbird. The tears dripped. 

Axel touched the side of his face with a hand, so tender, so soft, running a thumb across his cheek. Leaned over and pressed a chaste kiss to his lips that felt warmer than anticipated. He leaned into it, letting his eyes close and wash away the unshed tears, down his face to Axel’s fingers. His chest filled up with life. 

“I’ll be here for you.” Axel spoke when they parted, a whisper against his lips. “You don’t need to go down that path.” 

“I wasn’t… I won’t.” 

\--

A default ringtone behind his head broke the silent contemplation of his three friends in line at the kiosk, some good dozens of feet away from him, who lounged on a towel without care, under the shade. The three couldn’t have looked more unhappy to be in line. He reached behind himself and grabbed the phone that had been ringing. It was Demyx, calling the redhead. He answered. 

“Hey, Demyx. Axel’s in line to get me a margarita right now, so he can’t talk.” 

“Oh, Roxas, hey! That’s alright. Man, I haven’t actually talked to you in a while. I’m sorry about that, about that other night at Pride. I was so nervous from being caught. God, I hope you and I are good, even though I lied to you…” 

“Yeah, well. I know you only did that to cover for Axel, but, you know, it still… Didn’t feel great.” 

“I know, I’m sorry. I really meant to get in touch with you again, but these last few days have been really crazy for me. I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore.” 

His heart skipped a beat. “What’s going on?” This felt like being handed the key to a mystery. 

Demyx sounded morose. “God, I lot. A lot’s going on, I… I’m so torn. Did you know we’re looking for a new apartment?”

“Oh, really? I didn’t know.” 

“Well, we are, and it’s such a mess, because Axel wants to live somewhere nice, but I can’t afford it, so he’s like, it’s fine, you don’t have to pay rent or anything, just come live with me, and I’m like, no, God, I can’t do that. That’s so shitty. I’m not a freeloader, you know? I can’t just live in  _ his _ apartment. I honestly can’t do that, so I tell this whole situation to Zexion, because maybe he could help me with it, but instead he just tells me to go live with  _ him _ , and now I have more options than I know what to do with. I’m totally lost.” 

He hummed in thought, processing all of this before giving a reply. “Right… Maybe, if you stay with Axel, and move and stuff, you could help with something other than money. Like, maybe you could help around the house? I don’t know. Just do anything to make you not feel so bad about it, I guess.”

“But I don’t even know if I want to move with him. I mean, I love him, and I love living with him, but one day he’ll need his own place, and I’ll need mine, you know? We can’t live together forever, that’s not part of growing up. One day, he’ll make a home with you, probably, and I’ll end up living with Zexion anyway, sooner or later. It might as well be sooner.” 

His hand tightened the grip on the phone. “Uh, what do you mean? Make a home with me?” 

“Yeah, I mean. It’s what couples do, they go live together eventually. You really thought you’d be living with your mother for the rest of your life?” 

“No, but I just… I didn’t consider that. I didn’t think so far ahead.” 

“Well, I don’t know. You two might be different, and have your own separate homes, never to live together, but I know that I’ll want to go live with my husband one day. I want my own house, and a cat, and some children, you know. I’ll visit Axel all the time, of course, but we’ll have our own separate lives to live, and maybe this is the start of that.” 

“Um.” He glanced off at his friends, where they finally got to order, and now stood off to the side waiting for their drinks. “I don’t think Axel’s ready for that. He’s very emotionally dependent on you.” 

“Yeah, I know, but he needs to grow up, don’t you think? He needs to go live his life without me holding his hand the whole way through. I get it that we’re family, he and I, and his emotional dependencies are very deep-rooted, from a time of his life when it felt like even his parents were giving up on him after his brother died, and then there was Quibele’s funeral and he was just utterly, and completely alone and, shit, Roxas, that’s why he’s neck-deep in drugs and alcohol all the time. I think he just has a very big void in his chest that can’t be filled. It hurts, so he numbs it however he can. I know how that feels, because, I think, I have it, too. Always did. Must’ve been the, ah… The institute. Foster care. Shit, I haven’t thought about it in years…” Demyx trailed off, falling silent. Roxas honestly didn’t know what to say to that, so he kept quiet until Demyx resumed. “Am I being an asshole saying that he should go live by himself when we both damn well know that he can’t?” 

He breathed in deep. Seventy feet away, a girl strutted past his friends to place her own order and her very existence changed the atmosphere of the kiosk. She did nothing but stand in line while on her phone, which was enough for Axel to check her out openly, without second thought. Roxas rolled his eyes, sighing. “No, he’ll be fine. Trust me.” 

“I don’t think he will. I don’t think he’ll even move if I don’t go with him, and, you know, when I move out by myself, and he can’t latch onto me anymore, he’s going to latch onto you for sure.” 

He watched a group of men thirst for the new girl in line, vocally harassing her as she just tried to order something to drink. She looked uncomfortable, and so did Riku. He whispered among the other two with a very hard scowl on his face. Roxas hummed. “It’s fine, I don’t care about that.” 

“I don’t, either, like, it’s not a bad thing, I’m just giving you a heads up, so you know.” 

“Thanks.” 

Riku stormed off toward the group of men. Axel and Sora followed, trying to stop him, pull him back, but justice wasn’t a force to be seized by human hands. Roxas sipped on his water as Riku engaged the four loud men across the kiosk. 

“You know, Dem. I think you’re absolutely right about all of that, but I just don’t think that it’s the right time for you to move in with Zexion just yet. It’s the right time for Axel to buy his own nice apartment, sure, but if I were you, I’d go with him for now, until it’s time for you to move in with your future husband. I mean, do you even know if it’s going to be Zexion?” 

“No, I don’t. I don’t know jack shit, Roxas.” 

The four men didn’t enjoy Riku’s aggressive approach, and what was probably supposed to be a peaceful, verbal confrontation soon had one person shoving the other, quickly escalating the situation. A few strangers that stood around them quickly rushed in to keep them apart from each other, with Riku and the other two on one side, and the four men on the other. The accusatory rise of their voices, however, continued as they cursed each other out. 

“Then stay with him until you do. Don’t go off doing something stupid just because you can. Be smart.” 

Demyx sighed from the other end. “Fuck… I’ll feel so bad if I do that.” 

“Then just think about how happy you’ll make him instead.” 

The crowd managed to de-escalate the reactions of the confronting men and drive the four loudmouths away as his friends’ drinks were handed to them. Roxas watched the three walk back while discussing something between themselves. 

“I know, but it doesn’t feel right.” 

“Well, why don’t you talk to him? He’s here now.” 

“Oh, alright. Thanks for the advice, Roxas. Hope to see you soon, my man.” 

“You too, Dem.” 

Both Sora and Riku took their respective seats next to each other on a single pool chair while Axel laid down on the other, empty one. They were still discussing among themselves, but Roxas paid none of it any mind. He sat up on his towel, stretched out in between the two chairs, and exchanged the drink in Axel’s hand for the phone. Axel looked at him quizzically. 

“It’s Demyx.” He clarified, making Axel immediately move up to his feet and walk a few feet away to answer. He sipped on the cold margarita before glancing over to his brother. 

“You really gotta stop picking fights like that, Riku. You’ll get your ass kicked one day.”

“I don’t care; those disgusting pigs deserved to be told the truth. I couldn’t  _ not  _ do anything about it, Sora. I don’t stand for this kind of shit.” 

“No, I know, but, fuck, I just want to have a nice ten minutes without you stirring up trouble for once.” 

“Are you seriously blaming me for standing up against harassment?” 

“No, I’m just saying that you’re not some superhero who can save the whole world from all misogyny, racism, homophobia, transphobia, and whatever the fuck else. You can’t change people, or win every battle, and I don’t think you understand that.” 

“So I should just quit trying, right? Isn’t that what you’re telling me? Don’t you get it that it’s with one good example that other people start standing up against this sort of behavior? We have to denormalize hate, Sora.” 

“I know, I know, but I’m just so  _ tired _ of getting involved. I just want to have a good time.” 

“So do I, and so did that girl in line.” 

“Hey, guys?” Roxas interrupted from the beach towel, causing the other two to glance down at him. “Can you shut up? I’m trying to enjoy this nice weather that we’re having in silence.”

Sora shut his mouth in response to that, while Riku rolled his eyes behind heart-shaped frames and sipped on his daiquiri. Surprisingly effective. 


	23. The sit down

R20.A28

The car was silent. The radio had been turned off, none of the passengers were speaking, and only the sound of asphalt under the tires echoed faintly into the cabin. Roxas turned around a bit, to glance behind his own seat, at the two sleeping in the backseat, Sora leaning on Riku’s shoulder and Riku sandwiching his own arm between his head and the window. So he and Axel were truly alone. He turned back around. 

“Are you dropping Riku off and coming home with us?” He asked, quietly, not to break the relative silence too much. Axel didn’t flinch, didn’t move at all. 

“Riku and the car.” Axel replied. “I figured we get this out of the way as soon as possible, but it doesn’t have to be right when we arrive, if you don’t want to.” 

“No, that’s fine with me.” A pause. Axel was still immobile behind the wheel, with shades directed right ahead at the long stretch of road over the windshield, so he glanced out of his own window, and watched the landscape go by. Trees and grass whipping past, morphing colors together and turning into a wide blur as the Volvo sped. The sky, however, remained unmoving overhead, with lazy clouds meandering to the side. He turned back to look at the redhead. “Demyx told me about the apartment situation, the whole thing.” 

Axel arched a brow. “The whole thing?”

“Most of it. He didn’t give me his final verdict, so what is it? Is he moving in with Zexion?” 

“No, but I can tell that he’d like to.” 

“He’s staying with you, then? You’re moving together?” 

“Yes; we’ll be looking at some apartments this week. He doesn’t want to, but, whatever. I do, and I will.” 

“Right… I don’t think he wants to move in with Zexion.”

Axel didn’t counter that, or say anything in response to it. His eyes were fixed on the road ahead, and his hands were firm on the wheel, knuckles not yet white, but close. Roxas swallowed; this felt a little unnerving. He kept talking to break the weight of the atmosphere. 

“He told me that he wants kids and a husband one day, but from how he talks about Zexion, I don’t think he considers Zexion to be the future husband, so I don’t think he wants to move in with him yet. I just think he doesn’t want anything to change right now, even though that’s unrealistic.” 

Axel didn’t answer; his face was impassive, unreadable, and straight ahead, still. Roxas felt small in the passenger seat.

“What do you think?” He asked, trying to get anything out of the redhead, even if just a single word. Axel shrugged. 

“I think he can do whatever he wants. It’s his business, not mine.” 

“What if that means being away from you?” 

Axel tilted his head aside in consideration, in seeming resignation. His face remained perfectly placid. “Even if that’s the case.” 

Roxas nodded. Keeping quiet and looking out the window seemed like a better idea for the rest of the drive. 

\--

Sora was the first to walk in, pushing past the front door and onto the living room, where their mother had been reading a book. She glanced up at her children, and greeted them in passing, watching as the twins stepped in with not only their bags, but also Axel, in tow. She raised both brows at that, but didn’t immediately say anything. Sora excused himself to his room while Roxas dropped his bags on the ground and Axel swung the front door closed. 

“Hey, Aurora.” Axel greeted her nonchalantly, his indoor voice level and smooth. He didn’t look at all nervous or fazed or shaken in any way, and Roxas really admired that, because he, himself, couldn’t keep his own hands from shaking and sweating and grabbing onto themselves. He felt to be just about on the brink of hyper-ventilating. Axel placed his bags on the ground next to Roxas’, following himself up without missing a beat. “Can we have a word?” 

Aurora watched them skeptically for a second, but slowly closed her book anyway, and got up from her seat on the couch. She walked over to the redhead with an arm out, indicating the kitchen arch. 

“Sure, follow me. Is this about your sudden vacation?” 

She walked past them, into the kitchen, so the two towed along. 

“Not really, but kinda.” Axel paused for thought, following her over to the table. They all took seats next to each other, with Axel in between mother and son. Aurora gave Roxas a look. 

“Um, honey, could you…?” Her voice was soft as she indicated the exit arch with a delicate hand. Roxas’ heart leapt for his throat, making his blood sugar drop, all of a sudden. His cheeks flushed, and his throat closed. He felt this close to fainting. Axel spoke for him. 

“We actually need him in here. This is about him, too.” 

She raised a brow, but didn’t offer a vocal follow-up to that. Axel continued. 

“Um, Roxas and I, we’ve been… Seeing each other, for a while now.” 

Aurora was silent. Roxas could feel his heart pounding loudly in his ears, his hands shaking. He could throw up. 

“We’ve been meeting for a while and have recently decided to get together, so. We wanted you to know.” 

Silence. She glanced between the two with wide eyes, looking more and more mortified by the second, pale, speechless. Her lips parted, but she didn’t say anything. They met, then parted again. 

“You’re… You’ve been… Sneaking out, Roxas? Behind my back?” Her voice was small but stern, even if a little hurt. Her brows creased as she scrutinized the two of them. Roxas felt his eyes water. 

“Kinda. I didn’t think you’d let me hang out with him if I told you, so I lied. I’m sorry.” 

Her eyes were fixed on his face for a good long second before they moved to settle on Axel’s. He didn’t look at all affected by this. 

“And you… You met with him? You indulged him?” 

“Well--”

She cut him short. “What is it that you two did? What did you see each other for? How did this… How did that even happen?” 

“We met up to dance. We kept running into each other at nightclubs all the time, so we exchanged numbers and started doing it on purpose, going out together. Including this whole beach trip thing, I was there the whole time. Was fun.” 

A scowl slowly formed on her forehead, color eased back to her face. Her jaw set. 

“Are you telling me that you two are in love or something?” The tone was harsh, through gritted teeth, and it made Roxas’ vision blurry. Yet, the tears didn’t fall. He couldn’t speak, so Axel did it for him. Again.

“Yes, I am.” Simple and to the point. His voice was calm, and his posture was relaxed, as if entirely comfortable with the conversation. Axel almost looked jaded, as if he had been expecting this for a long time. Thinking about it for a long time. Roxas doubted that the outcome would surprise him in the least. 

Aurora moved up from her seat, fast, making the chair legs scrap the tile floor with noise. Her palms were on the table and her scowl was directed at Axel’s face, but despite how offensive her body language might’ve been, it didn’t scare him. It didn’t touch him at all. He barely even blinked at it.

“Do you have any idea what you’re doing?” She spoke slowly, pronouncing each separate word, her voice low for emphasis. “You’re twenty-eight years old.” Her eyes pierced through him, one hand lifted to indicate Roxas. “He’s only a child.” 

“No, I’m not.” 

The words left him before they were thought through. Blood ran cold in his veins as the other two looked at him, Aurora clearly fuming and Axel still stone-faced. He swallowed down his inhibitions and elaborated. 

“I know what I’m doing, mom, and he does, too. We have this figured out.” 

“Oh, do you? Right.” Her tone was sarcastic, but she didn’t push it. She shook her head and glanced back at the redhead, addressing him next. “I can’t believe you’re acting so childishly, so immaturely. How could you ever even humor him with something like this, as serious as this? I really expected you to be acting your age by now.” 

Axel sighed, and from the way that his eyes closed in that half second, Roxas could see just how exhausted he was. This was either draining him, or he was already long over it. 

“Look, Aurora, I know that you don’t trust me with him, and you think that I’m leading him on, or humoring him, or whatever, but I’m not. Frankly, what we have doesn’t even involve you. We’re only here to tell you that we’re together, not to discuss our relationship, or change our minds, or have our decision diminished in any way.” 

“What do you mean this doesn’t involve me? I am his mother. He lives in my house.” 

“He is his own person and can make his own judgments and, honestly, I don’t know what you’re so concerned about. Your other kid is in a relationship, too, and as far as I know, your acceptance rates for that were high up.” 

“Because Sora is dating a nice boy his own age, not a nihilistic, suicidal, deranged menace to himself and everyone around him. I barely know Riku, but he seems like a nice boy, and if we’re being perfectly honest, I feel more comfortable trusting him with my son than you.” 

“So you’d rather trust a stranger than someone you’ve known for over a decade?”

“Yes, Axel, that’s the problem. Over a decade. Those two, they’re just starting to date. They’re exploring what the world has to offer them, they’re having innocent fun, not being serious about it. Now, you. You’re supposed to be in another mindset right now. You’re supposed to be building yourself a home, not having mindless fun with a kid.” 

“That’s not what’s happening.”

“Sora and Riku are serious.” Roxas cut in, frowning. His heart was in pieces. “They’re not having ‘innocent fun’, they’re serious. Their relationship is just as serious as ours.” 

“Roxas.” Her voice was a tired sigh as she sat back down. “Of course they take themselves seriously, but the fact of the matter is that they’re young, and will change their minds about a lot of things in the upcoming years. Completing twenty years of life doesn’t make you an adult, it makes you a child who doesn’t have the full perspective of what’s going on, or what they’re doing, or how they’re affecting others. It’s like Axel never grew past the age of twenty-one and is now trying to live in Neverland. That’s why you and him think alike.” 

Axel shook his head a bit, keeping quiet during her speech. He looked even more tired now. 

“I’m not refusing to face adulthood, Aurora. This is a conscious commitment that Roxas and I have agreed on, that we both deliberately want. He knows that he can leave at any time, because he doesn’t owe me anything, and I’ll never hold him back. I want to see him grow, not suffocate to death. That’s all I’ve always wanted, anyway. At first, I thought that leaving him alone would be best for him, because I saw myself as a hinderance, but now I know that that’s not the case. He wants to be with me, and I want nothing more than to just be with him, too.” 

Aurora’s eyes were cold, piercing, and entirely disapproving. It chilled Roxas’ spine, so he took Axel’s hand and leaned closer to him, watching her still. 

“Mom, I’m not changing my mind. I’ve wanted him since I was twelve.” 

Axel glanced over at him with a brow raised, and the ghost of a smile on his lips. That was the first hint of emotion that Roxas had seen on his face all day, and it made his heart flutter. Aurora scowled. 

“Don’t be ridiculous.” 

“No, mom, I’m serious. I’ve liked him forever. This is like a dream come true for me.” 

“Roxas, please, you’re embarrassing yourself. Think before you speak.” 

His throat closed, and his eyes dropped down at the table, cheeks burning, tears unspilled. Axel held his hand tighter. 

“Aurora, this is all. We are only the bearer of news so you won’t be kept in the dark about it, not so you can insult either of us. We won’t change our minds about this.” Axel’s voice was polite, but the words were sharp on his tongue, as if he were holding back from saying what he really wanted to. He got up from the table, still holding Roxas’ hand, which was a blessing, because the last thing he wished for was to be left alone with his mother right now. He got to his feet, as well. 

“Since I’m done here, I’ll be going.” Axel turned to him, and the look on his face immediately softened, the tone of his voice changed to something far more tender as he addressed Roxas next. “Do you want to come with me?” 

“With you where?” Aurora interrupted before Roxas could say a word. Axel looked back over at her. 

“To my apartment.” 

The scowl on her face deepened, and the way that she glanced between the two of them made Roxas’ heart sink. He clutched Axel’s hand with all that he could, leaning closer so his face would rest on the redhead’s shoulder, partially hidden by his upper arm. 

“Yes, please.” He murmured on the sleeve of Axel’s shirt.

Aurora couldn’t have been less pleased about that. 

\--

The curtains ruffled leisurely with the wind, making no sound to break the quiet contemplation of the morning light shining in from the window, filtered through the fabric, as Roxas lay with his head on Axel’s chest, his cheek just above a softly beating heart. He blinked, silently, washing away the tears from his eyes, but unable to clear out his vision, still blurry and trembling. He breathed in deeply, and felt his chest ache. Axel touched his hair with a hand.

“Are you alright?” Voice hoarse from just waking up, fingers running through blonde streaks. 

Roxas had been awake for what felt like decades. 

“No, you know I’m not.” He barely pushed the words out, past his lips, in a sort of morose mumble. He felt so heavy. 

“Hey… If this is about Aurora, she’ll come around. I promise you. Just give her some time.” 

“Will she, though?”

“Of course. She’s your mother.” 

Axel moved up a bit, to place a kiss on his head, then shift around to leave the bed. Roxas got off of him, and kneeled on the mattress instead, finally taking measure into wiping the tears and their tracks away. This was stupid, anyway. Crying over nothing, as if it’d change a single thing. The tears continued to drip, and he continued to rub his hands over them. Axel cupped the side of his face to make him stop. Their eyes met. 

“It’s going to be okay. You’re with me now.” 

“Can I stay here?” 

“Yes, for as long as you want.” 

“Forever?” The question left him fast, immediately strangling him in the process, making his breathing catch, and his heart skip. He was horrified with himself, while Axel only smiled warmly in response to it. 

“Forever.” 

Epilogue

Demyx paced about the empty room with a hand on his chin, and a crease in his brow, looking rather serious while pondering the dimensions that surrounded the four of them. He walked over to the sliding glass doors leading to the balcony, and turned on his heel, to face the opposite of the sunlight, and watch where it touched the hardwood floors from there. A few feet away, Axel crossed both arms over his chest. The realtor looked impatient. 

“You know what, Roxas? I think you’re right. I think this can make for a fantastic sitting parlor.”

“Right?”

“We would only need a few layers of curtains, the flowy kind for the summer, and the thick kind for the winter, so the guests can enjoy their high tea undisturbed, but well lit.” 

“I agree completely.” 

“Are you two done? This adjacent room is just supposed to be the living room.” Axel spoke casually, giving a signal for the realtor to continue on with the tour of the penthouse. The little man stepped out into the hallway, and waddled along its length, to a large arch by the end of it. The other three followed. 

“Well, don’t criticise me for having taste.” Demyx defended himself. Roxas nodded in agreement. 

“We were only discussing whether or not the settee would look splendid in the afternoon light, dear. Don’t be cross.” Roxas added with a fake accent that had the other two grinning, even if Axel rolled his eyes at it. They followed the little man into the empty home theater as he announced it. 

“Can I make this my bedroom?” Demyx joked. 

“The bedrooms are in the next hallway. If you’d follow me, please.” The realtor spoke quietly before cutting his way through the crowd, and starting down the perpendicular hallway that met this one in the middle, quite unconcerned if the guests were actually behind him. They were. 

“Oh, good. Your room is a ways away from ours, Dem, so we don’t have to hear you and Zexion--”

“Shut up! So  _ I _ don’t have to hear  _ you two _ !” 

“Guys.” Axel cut in politely, placing a hand on each one of their shoulders for attention. “Please don’t make me regret this.” 

Both blondes grinned wide in response. A couple of feet ahead, the realtor spoke over his shoulder. 

“If you’d follow me into the kitchen…” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading!


End file.
